“Hey Ms. Raindrops?” Scootaloo asked when Raindrops told them it was time for bed.
“Just call me Raindrops, Ms. makes me sound old. What can I help you with Scootaloo?” She ask.
“Well since I’m staying here for awhile, instead of my own room, can I have a sleepover with Dinky and Sparkler? I haven’t really talked to them before and it’ll be fun.” She asked as Dinky stepped beside her and flashed a million bit smile shiny enough to be almost blinding.
“Gahhh! Weaponized cuteness! Turn it off! Turn it off!” Raindrops said jokingly with a chuckle as she shielded her eyes with her forelegs, when they turned down the wattage on their smiles she laughed and ruffled Dinky’s mane, “Well I don’t see why not, just make sure to go to bed in a few hours. You all have school tomorrow and I’m going to be waking you fillies up around 7.”
With a cheer the fillies ran to their room with Raindrops trotting behind them. After making sure that Scootaloo had everything that she needed, and made sure Dinky Doo and Sparkler had brushed their teeth and groomed their manes looked at them through the door entryway, “Listen fillies, I need to have a talk with Princess Twilight, or at least talk to Spike. I’ll be home in a little while and I want you to promise that you will all behave, alright?”
“We Promise!” Came the chorus of voices.
With a smile she shut the door and left them to their own devices. As she got her saddlebag and a bottle of water for the trip. She took off for the Golden Oaks Library. Although it was a relatively short five minute flight, she loved the cool, crisp, night air caressing her wings. Her meeting Scootaloo brought back memories of her past and she let herself get drawn into her memories as her body enjoyed its flight.
When Raindrops was five her family put her in a Canterlot Orphanage, at the age of seven she ran away. The orphanages when she was a filly were a lot different than they are now in days. The Headmarm was a cruel, world weary mare with a penchant for sadistic punishments to keep her foals in line. All the while working them to the bone to make goods that went to boosting the income the orphanage got through stipends, fundraisers, and charities. The second she was old enough to fly was the day she bolted and never looked back.
For three years she lived in the alleyways of Brokeback Way, several blocks south of Alicorn Row. While not the shadiest of places, it was far enough that the light of the castle looked like a mockery of a fairy tale. She knew a group of older stallions and mares who had fallen on hard times and made their way scrounging bits however they could come across it without descending to the drugs and violence that sometimes overtook the more destitute sectors hiding in the Princess’s shadow, and the blindspot of the nobility’s wealth. Those were dark times for Raindrops, scraping together what could loosely be defined as a life, withering away in the depression of her family leaving her to that monster, and the mental scars that wrecked wrench inflicted upon her young psyche.
But on her third year she decided that she had enough of scraping the refuse that the well-to-do wanted no part of, and decided to steal a chunk of that living herself. The scam worked for a few months, then she got caught by a member of the town guard, Lt. Shimmering Breeze. He noted that she matched the description of a filly that had left the same time that other ponies valuables had gone missing. While he escorted her to the station on the other end of the city, he told her that she could do community service while back in the orphanage, or she could serve jail time and then when she was released if she was old enough she would be sent back until of age to leave.
It was when she learned that even after she ran for so long that evil mare was going to have her back in her clutches that Raindrops broke down. And in the middle of her tear fueled babbling that she told him everything. About the orphanage and Headmarm Sugar Sweet. About how she ran away and had been on the streets for years. Even her wanting a better life so she stole to survive. Everything. An hour later he was just looking at her, and used his wings to wipe away her tears, “Listen, I have to look into this, but I want you to know that I’ve seen a lot in my time in the Guard. I’ve seen liars crying dragon tears to wiggle out of punishment, I’ve seen those who shifted blame for their actions on others, and I’ve seen those who would do anything to escape punishment.
“But I’ve also seen enough to know when somepony is being honest with me. I trust you, but I have procedures to go over. While I’m looking it over I’ll make sure you’re in somewhere safe. But you are still going to make up the money to pay off your debt to society for all the stuff you stole. If you tell me who you stole from, and where you sold it too. I’ll make sure that the judge is lenient on you, alright?” He said in a voice that was both steely, yet gentle like a light storm breeze.
“Wait! So ... So you aren’t sending me back to that place? You really mean it?” Raindrops squeaked.
“With what I heard from you, and your obvious fear on your face I couldn’t send you back. Well here we are. I’ll get you processed. You’ll have to spend the night here, but I’ll make sure it is in the cells we save for minor offenders. Well I’ll be seeing you little filly.” And with that Lt. Shimmering Breeze got her processed and put her in her cell.
It was a day later that she was told that the Orphanage was violating several labor laws for foals, had proof of abuse and neglect, and was under review for other criminal activities. For her part of bringing it to the guard her term was lessened, and Shimmering Breeze came up to her while she sat in shock after the good news. “Hey, listen, about the terms of your sentence. I spoke to my captain and the Head of the Town Guard. Who talked the judge and for what you did I’m going to give you two choices. First is house arrest with me at my place, where you’ll be my ward until you're of age to move out. You’ll also be doing seven hundred and thirty hours of community service between school work. The other choice is that you do six months of jail time, a 166 bit fine, and will be sent to a different orphanage, which won’t be like the one you were at, as a ward of the state until you reach maximum age.
Now this mare behind me is Quid Pro Quo, she’s a lawyer here for you to talk over your options and make sure you understand your rights.” When he was done explaining a mare that she didn’t see until just now trotted into view, but Raindrops didn’t need anything explained. Anything was better than another orphanage and she told them all she wanted house arrest.
The next few weeks she fell into her normal state of depression and gloom. Seeing his new house guest in such a state, he took her out in a rainstorm and brought her up to the lighter grey clouds beneath their hooves. Popping open a small patch over his property letting the light fall around it, he scooted over and waved for her to lay near the edge and look down.
“I guess I should tell you that the house arrest idea was my own. I saw where you were in life, and it was better when I was some snot nosed punk in a gang over at Blood Moon circle. But when I was a bit older than you I met a member of the Town Guard, and he says to me one day after he beat some sense into me. Setting me on the straight and narrow, “Hey Breeze! I saw potential in you to do good when I saw you all those years ago. So I took you under my hooves and helped you out. I want you to promise me that someday when you see somepony who needs help you’ll do the same for them.”
“Well I promised him, and now I’m going to help you get on your hooves and become a good mare someday. I saw potential in you, and I know you probably don’t need a lecture, and I’m not going to ask you to make the same promise. That’ll be up to you to decide when your older. But I wanted to say something my mother told me when I was a little fledgling, Pegasus barely out of junior flight school.
“There are times in life, where like a storm on ground side, you're hit on all sides by problems you can’t stop, can barely hold more than a mouthful at a time, and seems unending. Like it’ll never get better. And the skies in your life will be seem so unendingly grey that it can bog you down. Just remember this. Above every raincloud, the sun is shining, and every storm, no matter how long and how hard it may seem, will eventually end.
“So Raindrops. I’ll help you if you want me to, but remember that while things might seem dark now,” pointing to the dark spots outside the light, “ The sun is waiting to shine for you again.” He said waving his hoof at the bright sky around them, “and all you need to do is ask for help. And if I can I will, and if I can’t I’ll find somepony who can.”
Raindrops was listening to his conversation and absorbed and stored it away till later. It seemed a kind of thing that somepony who hadn’t been in her place would say, ‘look at the brightside of life’, and other such nonsense. But as she thought about it, it made sense. When all that stuff was happening it was easy to look at the negative, but she had some parts of her life outside the orphanage that wasn’t all that bad. Letting his lecture digest, she decided that she’d see if it ever became useful.
And useful it did become. As the months, the therapy visits, and group sessions went by between community service, school work, and chores. She learned the wisdom behind those words as the groups she went to said basically the same thing, emotions are like waves, they peak and fall. It’s easier to focus on the negative in life, but if we work at it we can see that things aren’t always as bad as we paint them. Not to say that they aren’t stressful, horrifying, or bad at the moment, or that sometimes they are as bad as we paint them. But you can’t let those emotions control your life. Something that for Raindrops wasn’t all that easy.
Eventually she ended her service, and more importantly, she was done with the first eight weeks of groups. When she stopped by a nursing home that she was working at. When she told the ponies that she was helping that she was leaving she was treated to a small thank you party. It was here that she learned how much she had helped the ponies in the home, and how much they were touched by her listening to them and helping them out with their emotional problems. It was at that moment, that it clicked. Everypony has rainy days in their life, but by her reaching out and being there for them she had made a small but profound effect on their lives brightening their days. It was then that she got her Cutie Mark, three raindrops.
She came out of her memories as she neared the library. Flitting down she gave a knock on the door where she heard a male voice telling her to come in. Using her wing to open the door she stepped in seeing a dragon sitting across from Princess Twilight drinking tea while an owl went around cleaning the place up. Raindrops was caught between wondering if she should bow or walk in first causing her to prance about nervously as she was caught between the two actions.
“Don’t worry about it. You don’t have to bow to me. I get enough of that at Canterlot, just treat me like any ordinary pony.” Twilight said with a practiced smile of serenity.
“Ok, but you’re a Princess now though, are you sure that I shouldn’t bow or curtsy, or something? I wouldn’t want to be rude?” Raindrops asked nervously while scratching her left ear with her foreleg.
“Think of it as a royal request. After all, I was a normal unicorn pony before I became a Princess. So don’t worry about it. So how may I help you today?” Twilight asked.
“Um ... well this is kind of private. Could we talk alone please? If that’s okay with you I mean.” Raindrops asked.
“No problem. Spike, could you make our guest some of your famous brownies?” She asked the young dragon.
“Sure, let me know when your done talking, and don’t let the tea go to cold. I know how much you hate it when that happens.” And with that he walked off into the kitchen.
Taking the seat that Twilight offered her, Raindrops sat and taking a deep breath began, “Now I ran into Scootaloo this late afternoon -”
“What did she do this time? And why come to me and not her parents or somepony else?” Twilight interrupted.
“She didn’t do anything, and it’s not right to assume the worst in a pony just because they’re rambunctious. Oh! Sorry Princess.” Raindrops said, the dissonance of knowing her as a unicorn, and now an alicorn making her more flustered than she felt she should be feeling at the moment.
“No, don’t be sorry, and you’re right. It’s not right to jump to conclusions, sorry for interrupting you please continue.” Twilight said waving off Raindrops worries with a hoofwave.
“Well I saw Scootaloo and now this is confidential since I Pinkie Promised I would tell only you until she was ready to tell everypony else. So if you could keep this between as few ponies as possible that’d be great but I trust you’re discretion in who you tell. But she was dumpster diving for food and was eating throwaways from Le Pasture’. -”
“She was what?!”Twilight yelled, surprised at what she just heard.
“She. Was. Eating. From. A. Dumpster. I found out that she’s been homeless for the last five years after her parents died, and I took her in for the moment. Now I have the necessary paperwork for emergency housing for her to stay with me until the end of winter wrap up.” Raindrops replied.
“Or course. But I’ve known, well in passing, Scootaloo for four years. Her friends are my friends sisters, and I just don’t know how nopony noticed before. I have to tell the girls about this.” Twilight looking over the offered paperwork.
“You can’t! Sorry Princess,” Raindrops said, “ I mean Twilight, or whatever. I meant to say that Scootaloo is in a delicate position, and it would be best that she lets everypony know that in her own time. When she’s ready. As for how nopony knew, well homelessness, and orphans, are an unknown here in Ponyville. So there was no reason for you to expect anything. That and from what I’ve seen of the Crusaders during my flights over Ponyville they are all very resourceful.”
“Well how has she been surviving up till now? I’ve seen her buy things when out with the crusaders. Where did the money come from?” Twilight asked looking at her with an inquisitive eye.
“I have an idea, but I’d like for her to talk to me herself. I haven’t learned a lot today since she just arrived, and I wanted to give her time to adjust before bombarding her with questions,” She replied while taking a sip of the tea, “This is really good tea by the way. Where did you get it?”
“Oh! It’s some of Celestia’s favorite blend. Golden Cloud Pu’reh tea. It’s made in a pegasus community in Neighpon, using a specialized process of mixing certain soils with dense clouds, and given lots of water and sunlight. Only five tablets a year are ever made, and it has the best aging over time of all the Pu’reh teas. Apparently the Princesses get one tablet a year as tribute for Celestia helping set up their city a few centuries ago. With more Princesses now, Celestia gives a rotation of one tablet to Cadance, Luna, myself, then her so that we each can get our own collection . But how they produce the tea before processing it is amazing. I’ll have to tell you about it later.
“Well, Spike should be getting here soon, and while I respect that Scootaloo wants this to be told to as few ponies as possible. I’ll be discrete, but she’ll have to open up eventually. So what are you going to tell ponies when they ask where her parent are at?” Twilight asked after having caught herself from going on into full on lecture mode. It was something that Celestia was teaching her to do now that she was a Princess. Although it was difficult not to share such interesting information with ponies.
“Well, that’s good. Wow! The Princess’s favorite tea, and I can see why. This stuff is amazing. As for Scootaloo, we’re going to tell others that her folks are away on business and I’m looking after her while they are away. It wouldn’t be the first time that I had to do it, although it will be the first time that I had to do an emergency foster status in Ponyville, and the first time ever that I had to do it in secret. But Scootaloo’s needs come first, and I want to make sure this is as by the books as possible.”
“Anyway, you’re doing a good job. Spike should be done with his brownies by now. Take some with you, and thank you for stopping by. I’ll try looking into her past to see what I can find and I’ll let you know of anything if I find it. Although I want you to do the same. Even if I never really dealt with her personally I’ve heard a lot about her from Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity.”
Raindrops shook on it and with a bag full of warm brownies left for her house. As she felt the cool breeze beneath her wings. Well that went surprisingly well. I think that it’s nice that Twilight hasn’t let her tiara go to her head, and is a nice down to earth unicorn. Although I find it hard to treat her like a normal pony with the whole Alicorn thing, it’s rather nice. Now to get these home and in the fridge, and it can be treats for the fillies for their lunch tomorrow.
This wasn't too bad.
The bit with the tea kinda threw off things.
~Skeeter The Lurker
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Thank you.
Originally I was going to skip the tea after Raindrops commented on it. But then I remembered this was Twilight I was talking about. If it interest her she will usually geek out and take control of a conversation and go on a few hour lecture on it.
I hope that it didn't throw things off too badly, or overdo the mini Twi Geekout moment?
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The whole thing just felt out of place.
The switch between orphan and tea was faaaar too abrupt.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3056404
Sorry it took so long to get ahold of you. My computer decided that it wanted to be retarded.
Anways, I cut out everything between "Celestia's favorite blend", and "Well Spike should be getting here soon." Hope that makes it flow more smoothly.
Assuming 2 working hours for community service per day (which is more than should be expected of any filly), she would have to work for 41 years. Pretty harsh, dont you think?
30,000 h / 2 (h/d) = 15,000 d = 41.1 a
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That's a touch better, yes.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3056843
*Is so bad at math
* Looking back I did that totally wrong in every way. So yes. That is a bit harsh. I wanted her doing Civil Service for a year. So I'm going to change that over to 730. Thank you for pointing that out.
Although she did do about 650 bits worth of goods in total. And I'm not familiar enough with the judiciary system to know what 12 counts of misdemeanor Theft by Taking (50 - 200 USD) would be worth. I didn't want to be to much, but not just a few month smack on the wrist [or whatever a wrist would be for a horse]. [3 Dollars per bit.]. So I wanted a single year of work.
Is a year better, or what sounds like it'd make more sense?
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What sentence would be passed heavily depends on the kind of law you want to see present in Equestria.
Taking most European law systems, she would have been under the minimal age of criminal responsibility (can't really guess the age so I assume between 10-14), meaning there would be no penalty at all. Assuming she is older, I would say in Germany she would face a maximum of 30 hours community work, as the penalty is thought to bring her back into normal society and she had to steal to life.
Now, assuming a law system like in the USA. Everything is possible. Some states have a death penalty for stealing cigarettes three times and there are cases where people get arrested for writing bad comments in the internet or helping their little sisters pee. I would daresay everything goes depending on the state and the mood of the judge.
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That is some good food for thought later. With what I can only assume from what I've read in other fics, and the medieval setting of the Gaurds armor / ruler in a castle. That they'd have dungeons. So a more American version of the judiciary process [retribution instead of rehabilitation]. Although It would be interesting if they had a Medieval version of the Norway system. Which I just remembered reading about, and rechecked after you brought up that wonderful point.
So I'm going to have to say my version would be a mix of American Jail's building structure, sentencing, and containment. But with some of Norways rehabilitation systems within the prison walls. As well as no death sentence. So that gives me lot of lee-way, while it not being something as horrible as a dark fic would be.
Thank you for giving me this to think about for future fics.
Gives Cookie
mlpchan.net/pic/thumb/1342824002658.png
this was another great chapter, loving this story so far![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
btw are stories are so close on views and likes right now![:rainbowlaugh:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowlaugh.png)
(of course your story is better !)
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This story is now fully edited. Chapter four will be edited later and posted up when it gets polished.
I didn't think to examine stuff at first but these caught my attention so I thought I'd point them out. They're not the only issues, but I'm pressed for time.
This feels weird because the human brain operates by having a short list of things that don't feel weird in this construction and treating everything else as weird. (Names, "girls", "boys", "men", "ladies", "fellas", etc.)
Don't believe me? Try "Listen, women," instead of "Listen, ladies," or maybe even "Listen, fellows," instead of "Listen, fellas," or "Listen, people," pronounced with the wrong vocal stressing.
Also, it's canon that ponies use "girls" in these sorts of sentences, just like we do. (Most memorably, "Hi, girls!" from Twilight in Lesson Zero but I also remember other spots. For example, I know one of the mane 6 used it to refer to the others at least once during the first few episodes.)
"well-to-do" In modern usage, this has graduated from a phrase to a compound noun in its own right. As such, it's hyphenated to indicate that it's a single, compound word rather than multiple individual words.
(This is especially importance since, in its current form, it's broken in half by the word-wrap, which aggravates the mind's tendency to process "that the well", then have to rewind when the anticipated sentence structure doesn't work.)
Seeing his new house guest in such a state, he took her out in a rainstorm
There are times in life where, like a storm on ground side, you're hit on all sides by
You're inserting "like a storm on the ground side" into the middle of a perfectly good sentence (There are times in life where you're hit on all sides by...) so you need to use commas to give the reader hints about where they need to suspend their processing of the main sentence temporarily and then come back to it. (Without the commas, a reader who doesn't know what to expect (anyone but the person who wrote it) has to read it twice. (Once to figure out the structure and again to actually make sense of it based on what they learned from later words.)
Also, the idiom is "hit on all sides", not "hit by all sides". (Technically, "hit by all sides" would be valid English but, since it would require "sides" that are capable of hitting things, it would mean "All the teams/armies/individuals (sides) in a battle attacked/punched/shot/etc. (hit) the same person" with the implication that it's happening at roughly the same time. It's also never used in common speech or writing so the brain stumbles over it, loses all the momentum of the sentence, and finally assumes it's a broken attempt to say "hit on all sides".)
Finally, I'm not sure what you mean by "a storm on the ground side". A storm cloud at ground level? The underside (ground-facing side) of a storm cloud? The side of the cloud that a built-up electrical charge will flow to if allowed? A very awkward attempt to talk about being caught in a storm while not flying?
Where do I start?
"problems" is a countable plural noun. (one problem, two problems, many problems)
"can barely hold more than a mouthful at a time" is conjugated in a way that, while technically valid when examined in detail, feels wrong unless used for an uncountable plural noun. (no water, some water, a mouthful of water, all the water)
"seems unending" is conjugated for a singular noun. ("It seems unending" vs. "they seem unending")
Above every raincloud, the sun is shining
The natural order of that sentence is "The sun is shining above every raincloud" so, when you reorder it, you have to add a comma as a way of saying "Hold that thought. Things are out of order." Otherwise, the reader's brain will initially try to assume, from the order of the words, that "the sun..." will be used as an adjectival phrase modifying "raincloud". ( which isn't actually that far-fetched. While it's a strange thing to say, the version without the comma can be read to mean the same thing as "Above every raincloud which the sun is imparting a shine to (polishing)"
That's why commas are important. Without the hints they give, the reader may keep building an incorrect expectation until, when they finally hit a part of the sentence which just can't be made to work with it, they lose their train of thought and have to go back and start reading from the beginning of the sentence again.
every storm, no matter how long and how hard it may seem, will eventually end.
(You inserted "no matter how long and how hard it may seem" into the middle of "every storm will eventually end". Hence, the need for a comma before and after it.)
All in all, though, I think you really need a beta reader or co-author for that scene. If it's going to work, it should feel emotional and poetic but it just falls flat and feels like it's pointlessly drawn out, making me want to skip forward until I see the word "Scootaloo" again.
While I respect that Scootaloo wants... what? "While ..." is a dependent clause and you didn't add an independent clause for it to modify.
It's like saying "I'm flattered but." But what?
This is Twilight, not Applejack. "where her family is", "where her parents are", or maybe even "where her folks are" but not "where her folks are at".
Also, the "Oh! It's some of Celestia's favorite blend..." and "Well, Spike should be getting here soon" paragraphs are very confusing. Starting the second one with "Well, " rather than something like "Anyway, " makes it feel less like a continuation and more like a change in who's speaking. (A mistaken impression strengthened by the paragraph break)
"Well" is an interjection so, when you use it at the beginning of a sentence, you put a comma after it. Otherwise, the brain has to try and discard spurious interpretations like `"Well" is a noun and "that's good" is an adjectival phrase modifying it.`
(Sort of like the actual, valid phrase "all that's good")
Also, the Wow! feels out of place somehow. I'm not sure how to improve it but having such an emphasized reaction to something be separated so far from what it's in reaction to (especially by the "Well that's good.") feels wrong.
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The whole "fillies" thing is something that I use throughout my stories, and I think this one when it comes up. It's just an artistic choice I use. I did 98% of the edits you pointed out but I have a question on two of them.
Don't know how to fix that problem.
and
She wants it to be told to as few ponies as possible.
___________________________________
Sorry it took me so long to get to this. IRL's been hectic. Thank you again for pointing those things out. Have a good day, and Happy New Year!
Other than some grammatical errors, this was pretty dang good!
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Thank you. I'm finding by taking longer periods of time between chapters is allowing my editor more time to go over things and find more mistakes. So my later chapters Especially 9 -11 have less problems as he re-goes over everything. I hope you like the rest of the fic as well
.
Nice to get to know some of Raindrops history, this time. I liked this chapter, though Scoots does seem a little too familiar with her new housemates.
I think the only real thing that got to me was when they randomly stated talking about tea. As soon as Twilight went into that tangent, the thought hit me: what does this have to do with Scootaloo being an orphan or Raindrops temporarily adopting her?
Also, your writing style seems...how should I put it? A little fast? Sometimes I have to pause and think "why's it written like that?" But nobody else seems to notice, so this might just be me. Feel free to ignore it.
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I was told the earlier chapters were kind of fast. But I've been working on pacing, and foundation building with this fic. And I think it get's gradually better. Especially now that I'm not trying to put out a story every two weeks, but when my editor thinks that it's as good enough to put up.
I'm currently reading this story... Its not that bad thus far... It is currently keeping me inthroled....![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
3057430 Don't often comment and this is old but it intrigued me having done jury service in the last year or so, and no jury I know would under her context would see her (9 or 10 years old as well) guilty of petty theft after getting away from all that and charge it too those who abused her.
The nation seemed more enlightened then the US.
Not that punishment in certain contexts is ok and not others. Norway is FAR less violent (relatively speaking) then the USA in many ways and I doubt a violent thug could be handled that way, but others could... context.
6013934
Yep, one of these days I'll have to get into what happened with the Headmarm of the Canterlot Orphanage, or at least see a bit of Raindrops putting her away for foal abuse. Since I see that orphanage being one of the big reasons she got into FPS. Well not so much as a part of it since she moved into Ponyville, since they don't really have need of one. But she's still certified, and takes in wards when they have nowhere to go in the bigger cities.