A deep blue alicorn colt stepped out of the Everfree forest into a harshly sunny day. He noticed he was rather near a cottage of some kind, with a yellow pegasus mare standing outside it. He didn't even consider the odd pegasus as he walked by. His mind was occupied with the job he had to complete. Every time he had to do a job, he hated himself a little more. But it was the only thing he could ever do.
The alicorn's mane was black, with red tipped spikes. His tail was the color of space, if every star was bright red. His cutie mark was the strangest anypony could ever remember. A skull embossed shield super-imposed on a sword, surronded by small hearts. It definently wasn't helpful if you wanted to figure out what his talent was. He had decided to call himself Midnight Burn, it seemed to fit the color scheme, plus it wasn't too horrible of a name. The town in the distance held an allure, telling him this was the place his next job had to be completed. He barely noticed the animals fleeing from the area. None of them wanted anything to do with an ancient god. Especially not this one.
Fluttershy was tending the chickens as Midnight trotted by. She was captivated by the dangerous looking pony, and it took her a second to realize her chickens had all fled back into their coop. She knew this was a bad sign, and set out to find all her friends. They needed to be warned.
Rainbow Dash was practicing her tricks over an empty field outside of Ponyville when Fluttershy flew up. "There's a... problem" muttered Fluttershy, to soft to be intelligible. Rainbow didn't even realize Fluttershy had flown up next to her. Rainbow finished her routine, not even realizing as a particularly difficult groups of flips and rolls nearly had her colliding with Fluttershy. Coming to a halt, looking exhausted but pleased with herself, Rainbow looked around to see if anyone had seen the routine. Spotting Fluttershy, Rainbow zoomed up, getting fight next to Fluttershy before throwing a hoof aroud her shoulders.
"Come to watch the next Wonderbolt, huh?" Rainbow bragged, bobbing up and down in the air, painting a scene with her free hoof, "My new sequence is AWESOME! I'm sure to win the tryouts next year!"
"Yes, they were nice..." Fluttershy was barely audible, causing Rainbow to really have to strain to hear her. "But there's a problem."
"A problem? What is it? The Amazing Rainbow Dash will handle it!" At this, Rainbow fluttered a few feet higher, striking a pose reminiscint of a conquering hero.
"Well... this creepy pegasus came out of the Everfree forest, and he scared me. And all the animals, too. They ran away. I think he's dangerous..." Fluttershy cringed at the memory of Midnight, and how her chickens had reacted to him. Not to mention the way his gaze had slid right past her, as if she wasn't worth his time.
"U-huh... well, uhh, where is he now?" Rainbow was trying to hide her scepticism, and failing miserably. After all, Fluttershy was scared of well... everything.
"I don't know... I came to find you... and I didn't see where he was going, I guess." Fluttershy's voice trailed off into oblivion by the time she was done speaking. She hid baheind her mane and dropped a few feet.
"... Well, let's go look for him. And we can tell everyone else, I guess." Rainbow shook her head at Fluttershy's timidness, and took off for Ponyville.
As Midnight descended into Ponyville, he felt that custom probably required him to eat, and decided he should probably try to fit in. Seeing an apple cart in the bustling town square, he headed over. His end destination was the orchard, intuition told him so, and who knew? Maybe he'd find himself a way to get in. Bonus, he thought, this is one cute mare. "I'll take an apple pie, please. And could you tell me about any work in the area?"
"Well, sure. We can always use help wit' the buckin' down at the farm. By the way, that's four bits."
Paying out the bits from the store he made sure to keep, he thought about the job the cart's mare had offered. Since the farm was his end destination anyways, it would make his real job easier. It was bad enough without having to sneak about too much. Doing some real helpful, work may feel good, Midnight told himself. If nothing else, it may ease some of the guilt. "Well, I think I'll take that job. When do I start?"
"You can start tommorow. Name's Applejack, by the way. What's yours?" Applejack inclined her head slightly, waiting for a response. Any new pony made her curious, especially a unicorn that looked this strange.
"Midnight Burn, but just call me Midnight, please. I guess I'll see you..." Before he could finish his sentence, or his pie, he felt a major impact on his right side. All he saw before blacking out was a small blue blur. And a rainbow?
My first fanfic ever. In fact, my first non poem story ever. Constructive criticism please!
This is good practice, and for a first time writing something other than poetry it's not half-bad.
*flexes fingers*
So first off, in the very first paragraph, you do an excellent job painting the picture of a character. However, you don't really do anything do describe the location. All you say is "stepped out of the Everfree Forest". Where exactly? Is it daytime? Nighttime? Is there activity? Is it still? Is he alone? Fill in the gaps here.
Second paragraph: still don't know the time of day. I imagined night time, but the next paragraph with Dash suggested day. What am I supposed to envision as I read this? Where is he in relation to Fluttershy? Is he standing in the coop? Has he moved from his position? Does he notice Fluttershy? What does he think of her? Does he react at all?
Then we get into the dialog. The dialog is weak, but not just because of the lines themselves. You need to dish out that description even during the dialog. Correograph this for us! These are pegasi we're dealing with. They are very maneuverable, and could be in any kind of position or relative location to each other in the sky. SHOW us where they are, and give us something we can picture in our minds as we read what they're saying.
Also, each line of dialog should have some kind of energy to it, otherwise it falls flat. There needs to be a weight to it. The characters need to "act", just like real actors in a play.
Now, since this is so short, I'm going to re-write just the first part of this so I can show you how this would look under my own pen. It will have bias, of course, since all authors have their own flavor, but the purpose of this is to demonstrate the level of description you need to achieve. Pay special attention to the way the scene is painted, giving enough details for the reader to picture it fully in their imagination. Also, note how the character's thoughts play into things, letting the reader in on why they make the decisions they do. In particular why Fluttershy thinks this is a dangerous pony.
Note also the coreographed dialog, showing the reader what the characters are doing as they talk. Even what I wrote here is a bit thin in detail, but I kind of threw this together as a quick example. A more fleshed out version would have facial expressions, hints as to how the characters feel about this mysterious character, and possibly some internal dialog.
Speaking of dialog, I changed it up just a bit to give the characters a bit more energy, and really bring out their personalities a bit more. This simply comes with practice, though, and is heavily influenced by an author's writing style. You're develop your own style as you write more.
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A deep blue alicorn colt stepped into the blazing sunset, golden rays striking the grass just out of the Everfree forest as small animals ran from his wake. He turned his head towards a town in the distance, his mane settling to show off his red tipped spikes buried amid the black. A curious cutie mark adorned his flank: A skull embossed shield super-imposed on a sword, surronded by small hearts. A name came to his mind as he formed an identity for himself:
Midnight Burn
A short distance away, Fluttershy was tending the chickens. She was captivated by the dangerous looking pony as he sauntered past, her chickens quietly shifting back inside their coop. She felt a strange chill as this pony rounded the corner and disappeared, her lips quivering as her mind begged to ask for answers. She had never seen an alicorn before, even inside the forest. Perhaps he was here to help? But no! Alicorns with such shifty demeanor could only mean trouble. This new pony was something different. Something sinister.
Spreading her wings, she willed herself into the air, flapping into the sunset. She stayed close to the ground, but let the wind fly through her mane as she soared quickly over the gold-laden grass.
A short distance away, Rainbow Dash was practicing her tricks, a blue streak of colors in the air. Fluttershy stopped right in the middle of the circling blur, pulling her forelegs up as she hovered mid-flight.
"Um...Rainbow Dash", Fluttershy muttered, "There's...um...there's a problem".
Rainbow Dash didn't even notice her until he rounded the corner and nearly ran into the yellow speck floating right in the way.
"FLUTTERSHY!" Rainbow Dash yelled out, whipping backward as she reared in mid-air. "Watch it! I nearly plowed right into you!"
Fluttershy cringed, muttering incoherent apologies. Rainbow's face fell as she saw her and flew up, roughly patting her back a few times.
"Ah! I didn't mean it like that" he said awkwardly. "Just...watch out next time, okay?" she said.
Rainbow's face lit up again as she pulled back, swirling and looped through the air enthusiastically, grinning at Fluttershy.
"So!" she said. "Come to watch the next Wonderbolt, huh?" she bragged, spinning out impressively as she few up to Fluttershy again, throwing her hooves up like she had just won a race. "My new sequence is AWESOME! I'm sure to win the tryouts next year!"
"Yes, they were nice..." Fluttershy muttered, barely audible. "But there's a problem."
"What's that? A problem?" Rainbow Dash asked, leaning so close to Fluttershy his ear was nearly touching her mouth. Pulling back with her hands on her hips, she let out boldly, "What is it? The Amazing Rainbow Dash can handle it!"
Fluttershy rubbed her hooves together nervously as she considered how to say this. That strange form in front of her chicken coop slipped back into her mind.
"Well...you see...this creepy alicorn came out of the Everfree forest. He looked really scary. I've never seen a pony like this before! And all my animals were scared, too!" She said, speaking up a bit in fright. "I think he's dangerous!"
"Dangerous, huh?" Rainbow blurted. "Where is she! I'll show her!"
"I don't know.." Fluttershy pulled back. "He just kind of disappeared after he passed by my coop. He could be anywhere!"
Rainbow swung around, tearing through the air shouting, "We can't let this guy threaten our friends! Come on! We'll look for him after we've let everyone know!"
Fluttershy let out a squeak. "Rainbow Dash! Wait up!" she let out timidly, flying like a bumble bee after the trailing rainbow.