The country of Marence is on the route to conquest, and after allieing with Gryphony, turns it's eyes to Equestria. At the same time, a mysterious young Alicorn shows up from nowhere, and seems to terrify all the wild life. Nopony knows why, though. The Mane 6 and all their friends are needed on the front lines. But what is the new Alicorn's agenda?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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My first fanfic ever. In fact, my first non poem story ever. Constructive criticism please!
you defenintly need to work on getting more into the characters and devolping the plot better there needs to be some lead up back onto the character part i believe the characters would more suprised to find an alicorn just walking into town ALSO who is this alicorn are you give him a backstory or did he just mysteriously come into exsitence and futher more you defenintly should write these things longer it took me 2 minutes to read this thing on a positive note the idea is intresting and i think you could do a lot with story and shape into somthing truly magnifecient maybe make it into one of the ones that everyone has heard abot i.e. cupcakes, past sins, etc.
10038 It all gets explained. As far as character stuff goes, I realized that myself, so a lot of back story in the next few chapters, I think.
This is good practice, and for a first time writing something other than poetry it's not half-bad.
*flexes fingers*
So first off, in the very first paragraph, you do an excellent job painting the picture of a character. However, you don't really do anything do describe the location. All you say is "stepped out of the Everfree Forest". Where exactly? Is it daytime? Nighttime? Is there activity? Is it still? Is he alone? Fill in the gaps here.
Second paragraph: still don't know the time of day. I imagined night time, but the next paragraph with Dash suggested day. What am I supposed to envision as I read this? Where is he in relation to Fluttershy? Is he standing in the coop? Has he moved from his position? Does he notice Fluttershy? What does he think of her? Does he react at all?
Then we get into the dialog. The dialog is weak, but not just because of the lines themselves. You need to dish out that description even during the dialog. Correograph this for us! These are pegasi we're dealing with. They are very maneuverable, and could be in any kind of position or relative location to each other in the sky. SHOW us where they are, and give us something we can picture in our minds as we read what they're saying.
Also, each line of dialog should have some kind of energy to it, otherwise it falls flat. There needs to be a weight to it. The characters need to "act", just like real actors in a play.
Now, since this is so short, I'm going to re-write just the first part of this so I can show you how this would look under my own pen. It will have bias, of course, since all authors have their own flavor, but the purpose of this is to demonstrate the level of description you need to achieve. Pay special attention to the way the scene is painted, giving enough details for the reader to picture it fully in their imagination. Also, note how the character's thoughts play into things, letting the reader in on why they make the decisions they do. In particular why Fluttershy thinks this is a dangerous pony.
Note also the coreographed dialog, showing the reader what the characters are doing as they talk. Even what I wrote here is a bit thin in detail, but I kind of threw this together as a quick example. A more fleshed out version would have facial expressions, hints as to how the characters feel about this mysterious character, and possibly some internal dialog.
Speaking of dialog, I changed it up just a bit to give the characters a bit more energy, and really bring out their personalities a bit more. This simply comes with practice, though, and is heavily influenced by an author's writing style. You're develop your own style as you write more.
=====================================================================
A deep blue alicorn colt stepped into the blazing sunset, golden rays striking the grass just out of the Everfree forest as small animals ran from his wake. He turned his head towards a town in the distance, his mane settling to show off his red tipped spikes buried amid the black. A curious cutie mark adorned his flank: A skull embossed shield super-imposed on a sword, surronded by small hearts. A name came to his mind as he formed an identity for himself:
Midnight Burn
A short distance away, Fluttershy was tending the chickens. She was captivated by the dangerous looking pony as he sauntered past, her chickens quietly shifting back inside their coop. She felt a strange chill as this pony rounded the corner and disappeared, her lips quivering as her mind begged to ask for answers. She had never seen an alicorn before, even inside the forest. Perhaps he was here to help? But no! Alicorns with such shifty demeanor could only mean trouble. This new pony was something different. Something sinister.
Spreading her wings, she willed herself into the air, flapping into the sunset. She stayed close to the ground, but let the wind fly through her mane as she soared quickly over the gold-laden grass.
A short distance away, Rainbow Dash was practicing her tricks, a blue streak of colors in the air. Fluttershy stopped right in the middle of the circling blur, pulling her forelegs up as she hovered mid-flight.
"Um...Rainbow Dash", Fluttershy muttered, "There's...um...there's a problem".
Rainbow Dash didn't even notice her until he rounded the corner and nearly ran into the yellow speck floating right in the way.
"FLUTTERSHY!" Rainbow Dash yelled out, whipping backward as she reared in mid-air. "Watch it! I nearly plowed right into you!"
Fluttershy cringed, muttering incoherent apologies. Rainbow's face fell as she saw her and flew up, roughly patting her back a few times.
"Ah! I didn't mean it like that" he said awkwardly. "Just...watch out next time, okay?" she said.
Rainbow's face lit up again as she pulled back, swirling and looped through the air enthusiastically, grinning at Fluttershy.
"So!" she said. "Come to watch the next Wonderbolt, huh?" she bragged, spinning out impressively as she few up to Fluttershy again, throwing her hooves up like she had just won a race. "My new sequence is AWESOME! I'm sure to win the tryouts next year!"
"Yes, they were nice..." Fluttershy muttered, barely audible. "But there's a problem."
"What's that? A problem?" Rainbow Dash asked, leaning so close to Fluttershy his ear was nearly touching her mouth. Pulling back with her hands on her hips, she let out boldly, "What is it? The Amazing Rainbow Dash can handle it!"
Fluttershy rubbed her hooves together nervously as she considered how to say this. That strange form in front of her chicken coop slipped back into her mind.
"Well...you see...this creepy alicorn came out of the Everfree forest. He looked really scary. I've never seen a pony like this before! And all my animals were scared, too!" She said, speaking up a bit in fright. "I think he's dangerous!"
"Dangerous, huh?" Rainbow blurted. "Where is she! I'll show her!"
"I don't know.." Fluttershy pulled back. "He just kind of disappeared after he passed by my coop. He could be anywhere!"
Rainbow swung around, tearing through the air shouting, "We can't let this guy threaten our friends! Come on! We'll look for him after we've let everyone know!"
Fluttershy let out a squeak. "Rainbow Dash! Wait up!" she let out timidly, flying like a bumble bee after the trailing rainbow.
10087 Thanks a lot, especially with the dialog critique. Some of those things are addressed later in the story, but dialog is something I don't do well with. I'll try to improve my descriptions too. I'll go back and edit chapter one later!
defintly better. this is another story im stayig with and if this is your first time writing a true fic ...... welll enough said
you've got some typos. his when you meant her (remember
most everypony in this world is a filly/mare) and the wrong to (he finished his turn, to come face to face w/ 
) but that's a technical matter and can be caught with more proof reading.
Speaking of which, do you know of any critique groups around you? Sometimes fiction writer wannabes gather at, say, the local library to discuss writing techniques. Feedback is the best way to go from an inexperienced writer to an experienced one.
As a matter of fact, as NaNoWriMo is coming up, you may be able to find more writerly types at your library, or you could always ask in the region-specific forum at www.nanowrimo.org
Good luck!
10515 Thanks!
this story is actually awesome XD
This chapter was supposed to be less about relationships and more about preparing for a coming storm, but when I thought about what the characters would do naturally, it just kept getting longer... and longer. I swear, some excitement is coming!
isn't it manehatten not neigh york? anyway good chapter! rainbow got owend and then gilda got owned XD
11268 I figured, in our world, Manhattan is a bueru of New York, so why wouldn't it be in Equestria, too?
I couldn't make it to Manehattan. Way, way, way, way, WAY too many errors in the grammar. I'm going to guess that English is not your main language.
If you need any help, I'm happy to help with proofreading. I've got plenty of time on my hands, and I already have experience helping another author. Just send me a message if you want me to help.
I'm liking this so far! Grammar mistakes generally don't bother me, but watch for them anyway, and good luck!
10038
Fillies and Gentlecolts, the worlds longest run-on sentence.
Excellent job so far! I loves me a good war fic.
Minor grammar errors, nothing serious.
Do you think that you would need a(nother) proofreader? If you do, I am up to the task.
Dude, I hope you realize that most people would TL;DR that comment something fierce.
that last comment was directed at ganymede
12147
First off, my comment isn't directed at everyone. I only intended it to be read by the author.
Second, as someone who just double-posted their comments 3 times in a row, I really don't think you're in a position to criticize the way other people comment.
ohh yeah she si deaaaad
so...when si the next part?
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:MontgomeryScott.jpg
"She's breaking up captain!"
20056 We seem to have a broken jpeg here.
A 5.0 rating and over 5,000 views? Wow! Thanks to all my readers!
:0 noo rainboow noooo
First of all, I cannot rate this. The reason will become clear as I explain. Here are the points to be made:
The craft of writing is not polished, it leans heavily towards "telling" rather than "showing".
The technical aspects do not lend themselves well to the physical layout of the species present. It seems a little forced, haphazard, and constructed along more "human" based analogs.
The action, overall decisions, and feel of the military structure do lend itself to fantasy writing. It lacks a certain feel of realism and it leads me to believe that the author has not had any real combat experience beyond possibly peace-time training films and exercises.
Overall, it is decent in quality and pacing for fanfiction. The major problem is that the entire purpose, theme, and feel is wrong. It doesn't belong in the My Little Pony universe, it has completely missed the intent of FiM, and it addresses things that the scope of the animation's characters could not hope to adapt to. I'm sure the author will disagree, possibly that coping with such trauma and adversity will be a test to temper their souls... striving to remain who they are against the pressures of overwhelming conflict.
I, however, say that this story would work fine standing alone. No ponies, griffons, or such, just original characters and in its own universe. This is obviously not the first modern war in Equestria, nor will it be the last. In closing, I wish to say that it is not a bad read, but as far as My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfiction goes... you are doing it wrong.
~Az
Alright a few things. I thought that putting thoughts in italics might make things easier to follow, so let me know if it helps, so I can change the old chapters, or not. Also, this story is starting to get unweildy, so I was considering splitting it into two... Opinions, please!
well i could just follow the story nicely, saw no spellig errors but thtas my opinion, and the chapters before this were good so in my opinion you don't ahve to change anything
I agree with Yusha, but I have a request: you BETTER make Rainbow able to fly again, or many tears will. Be. Shed.
Please put trixie in the story, and make her a bad guy
21710 Thank you for not rating just because you don't agree with where I'm taking the story. I've been told about my telling problems, and I'm slowly working on them. The reason the training and structure lend themselves to fiction is because actual military structure is about as bland as it gets... not very good for writing.
32763 That sounds less like a request and more like a demand... you'll just have to see!
34036 I'm not sure how to fit that in now. Also, while Trixie is a horri-bad pony and full of herself, I don't think she would be natrually inclined to betray the princesses, or Equestria.
Sorry for such a long delay everypony. Real life has been hitting me with everything it can think from every direction. I finally got a little time to write, and got it up here as fast as possible. I promise the next wait won't be this long.
Nice chapter, well done.
............yay
Enjoyable chapter, I must say. You've really gotten me drawn into this story, good job. Still holding out for Dashie, though!