The scared gray pegasus looked down in fear. This is what I get for following that mysterious unicorn. She looked at the unicorn his coat was light blue and his mane was dark gray. Derpy's wings and front arms were tied behind her back with a rope controlled by a pulley which the unicorn has control over. Under her were razor sharp needles, the point soaked with a rattlesnake's venom.
"You'll never get away with this!" Derpy screamed trying to break free.
"Ugh I hate it when ponies say that! Plus I already have!" said the unicorn with a heavy German accent, who was laughing manically as he pushed to red button.
Self destruct in 3 minutes
Derpy panicked and struggled to get free "Help somepony please help!" pleaded Derpy at the top of her lungs.
"Forget it! No pony can save you now! BWHAHAHAHA!" the unicorn laughed again
"I beg to differ!" charged in the Doctor.
"Doctor!" screamed the now happy pegasus.
"Hello!" piped the brown earth pony.
"Help me!" panicked Derpy.
"Hm? Oh right!" the Doctor rushed towards Derpy and untied her, Derpy flew down in front of the Doctor.
"Thank you Doctor!" she hugged the Doctor. He felt butterflies in his stomach.
And cut! Ok, everybody it's a wrap we'll finish this scene tomorrow! announced a pale green earth pony, whose cutie mark had lights and a camera.
Yep, that's the director of the show "Doctor Whooves and Assistant", starring Time Turner and Ditzy Doo or aka Derpy Hooves. Ditzy and Time have been really close friends ever since foal school.
"Hey Time!'' exclaimed the pegasus.
"Oh hey, Derpy! I loved your acting, you've gotten really good over the past few years." said Time with a grin on his face.
"Thanks, so did you! Anyways I was hoping if you wanted to hang out later and go to Sugarcube Corner?"
"Of course, I would love to! What time do you wanna go?"
"How about around 4:30?" asked Derpy
"Sure that sounds great! See you then! Bye!" Time Turner smiled and squealed with delight as soon as she was out of view.
They didn't notice the light blue unicorn listening to their conversation.
Time starts to walk off a heads for home, on the way he starts thinking
Do I like Derpy? What's not to like, her beautiful golden amber eyes sparkle every time she smiles, and her silky blonde mane shimmers in the light. Time Turner shook his head. I really need to stop watching soap operas.
Time Turner finally got home and took a nap. When he woke it was 4:00.
"Well time to get ready!" Time Turner smiled.
Time happily got up from his bed and trotted over to the mirror and combed his mane. He often caught himself humming a catchy tune. He wore the green tie that Derpy gave him for his birthday last week. He looked at himself one last time in the mirror and walked to Sugarcube Corner.
"Hi Time! I'm glad you made it! I was just talking to Henry." Henry's coat was light blue and his mane was gray, he is the same unicorn that plays the evil "Victor Bloodcraze".
"Oh hey Henry!" Time cursed under his breath "What are you doing here?" Time asked annoyingly.
"Well I wanted to try some muffins, blueberry are my favorite." Henry replied he looked at Derpy and said it loud enough for her to hear.
Derpy gasped "Wow really? Those are my favorite kind of muffins too!"
"Of course they're his favorite muffins." Time muttered under his breath.
"Did you say something Time?" Derpy asked.
"Erhm..no Derpy it's nothing really." Time smiled at the pegasus.
"Oh ok so I'll just go ask for some blueberry muffins, I'll come back in a bit!" Derpy smiled and walked towards Mrs. Cake.
"So 'Henry' what are you really doing here?" Time sneered at the unicorn who had a sheepish grin on his face.
"I overheard you and Derp talking and I decided to tag along as well." Henry chuckled meanly.
"First of all it's Derpy not 'Derp' and you are 20 years old, you shouldn't act like a foal eavesdropping on ponies conversations that have nothing to deal with you!" Time huffed clearly bothered at Henry.
"Oh Time!" Henry playfully punched Time arm a little too hard, "When are you going to realize that wall eyes likes me and not you, you're just jealous."
"Wall eyes! How dare you! Derpy's eyes are beautiful! and ME?!? jealous of you? I'll show you jea-" before Time could do anything, Derpy jumped in.
"Hey guys! I got two blueberry muffins and a chocolate chip muffin for Time." Derpy smiled and handed everypony their muffins.
"Oh Derpy, you remembered!" Time smiled and took a bite.
"Of course I did what kind of friend would I be if I didn't remember your favorite muffin?"
Time couldn't help but blush at the mare's response. After everyone was finished eating the muffins, Time and Derpy said goodbye and planned to have lunch another day. They both went to their separate houses.
Time sighed, jumped on his bed, and couldn't help but think about Derpy.
How dare he, calling her wall eyed as if she was just a piece of trash. Her eyes are beautiful. No why am I- oh forget it! I'm in love. Nothing wrong with it!
Time fell asleep dreaming about him and Derpy watching Celestia's beautiful sunset.
Hi! I'm a pretty new writer myself (Only one story), and though I'm pretty sure I'm in no place to give a really proper critique, I know I'm desperate for feed back and I wanted to just throw in a little constructive criticism. It's what I would of wanted at least.
There is a bit of trouble with the pacing of the story, which is mostly due to the frequent, short paragraphs, and its very disorienting. It's because this story is dialogue driven, with little to no description of actions or scenery, that everything is in a sort of rushed pace and why the sentences are so short. Throw in just a little tidbit of action with the dialogue and a blink of the scenery and it will dramatically slow the speed of this story, taking it from a blinding, pedal-to-the-metal pace, to a smooth cruise so I can enjoy what is going on at the moment in the story.
Another, more apparent mole on your story is that you are telling me this is that and that is this. The entire story happens on the page and I can't really picture it in my head. It probably all comes together in your head, but for the reader, you got to show us the evidence, and let logic lead us to the conclusion. For instance: "Derpy's wings and front arms were tied behind her back with a rope controlled by a pulley which the unicorn has control over. Under her were razor sharp needles, the point soaked with a rattlesnake's venom." could be improved by being more subtle, "Derpy struggled in her binds, swaying back and forth over a pit of long, thin needles, each tipped with a foul green ooze. Her suspending rope trailed up through a rusted pulley, and back down to an arrest in a charcoal black glow by the unicorn's madly grinning face." It's not, of course, the way to do it, but just the way I would have put it. What is most important here is that I never said he was dangling Derpy over the needles, but that Derpy was over a pit, a rope held her there, and the bad guy was holding the other end. You can easily understand what's being implied, but you're given enough room to imagine the scene in your own head. It's forcing the reader to think because the story isn't told to them, so as they connect the dots themselves, they are forced to imagine the scene as they mentally put it together.
I hope I don't come off too obnoxious with all this, I do get the overall feel of your story, I just want to see you and your stories succeed. When I am feeling down about my writing, I enjoy reading green artist's stories because it reminds me it's a process and I shouldn't feel down about producing some rotten eggs. From a noob to another, my advice is just to remember that the perfect story isn't made in one single action, but in many, many, many revisions and edits done over an extended period of time. Good luck with your next update and I'll be watching for that inevitable improvement.
Little known fact. His official name is now Dr. Hooves. Just notifying you.
3050452 I know about his name its just I don't know much about Dr. Who so I revised it
3049217 thanks for the feedback I'll make sure I can make changes :)
3051852
3050452 hate to be like this but its whooves
3049217 i wanted to see if you would tell me what you think of my derpy/doctor story i would to know what you think you can find on my home page it should not be hard to find i only have 2 stories
"Doctor Whooves and Assistant"? *eye twitches* ...Excuse me, I have an orange unicorn voodoo doll to maim...*trots away*
HOW YA LIKE THEM PEACHES YOU TARDIS-WRECKING WAIFU STEALER?! I'LL SHOW YOU THAT NOPONY BUCKS WITH MY OTP!!!
*heavy breathing* I feel better now.