Hello! I'm a fellow brony wandering through the strange path of life writing bad stories and watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
Time Turner has fallen in love with Derpy. Does she feel the same way? Is he going to tell her? What if she says no? Will Henry get in Time's way? Why does Henry want Derpy as well? Does he even like her?
*Author's note: well um....there's a sequel in case you didn't know it's called Derp's Time. If you want to read it...
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Hi! I'm a pretty new writer myself (Only one story), and though I'm pretty sure I'm in no place to give a really proper critique, I know I'm desperate for feed back and I wanted to just throw in a little constructive criticism. It's what I would of wanted at least.
There is a bit of trouble with the pacing of the story, which is mostly due to the frequent, short paragraphs, and its very disorienting. It's because this story is dialogue driven, with little to no description of actions or scenery, that everything is in a sort of rushed pace and why the sentences are so short. Throw in just a little tidbit of action with the dialogue and a blink of the scenery and it will dramatically slow the speed of this story, taking it from a blinding, pedal-to-the-metal pace, to a smooth cruise so I can enjoy what is going on at the moment in the story.
Another, more apparent mole on your story is that you are telling me this is that and that is this. The entire story happens on the page and I can't really picture it in my head. It probably all comes together in your head, but for the reader, you got to show us the evidence, and let logic lead us to the conclusion. For instance: "Derpy's wings and front arms were tied behind her back with a rope controlled by a pulley which the unicorn has control over. Under her were razor sharp needles, the point soaked with a rattlesnake's venom." could be improved by being more subtle, "Derpy struggled in her binds, swaying back and forth over a pit of long, thin needles, each tipped with a foul green ooze. Her suspending rope trailed up through a rusted pulley, and back down to an arrest in a charcoal black glow by the unicorn's madly grinning face." It's not, of course, the way to do it, but just the way I would have put it. What is most important here is that I never said he was dangling Derpy over the needles, but that Derpy was over a pit, a rope held her there, and the bad guy was holding the other end. You can easily understand what's being implied, but you're given enough room to imagine the scene in your own head. It's forcing the reader to think because the story isn't told to them, so as they connect the dots themselves, they are forced to imagine the scene as they mentally put it together.
I hope I don't come off too obnoxious with all this, I do get the overall feel of your story, I just want to see you and your stories succeed. When I am feeling down about my writing, I enjoy reading green artist's stories because it reminds me it's a process and I shouldn't feel down about producing some rotten eggs. From a noob to another, my advice is just to remember that the perfect story isn't made in one single action, but in many, many, many revisions and edits done over an extended period of time. Good luck with your next update and I'll be watching for that inevitable improvement.
Little known fact. His official name is now Dr. Hooves. Just notifying you.
3050452 I know about his name its just I don't know much about Dr. Who so I revised it
3049217 thanks for the feedback I'll make sure I can make changes :)
3051852
TOO SHORT!
ITS KILLING ME
OH GOD!
Oh Derpy! I thought you liked time! Stupid henry.
wtf? xD
Suddenly! Feelings have changed. :D
3129808 haha I know I'm very sorry about that
but I'm trying to get this story done and over with
3050452 hate to be like this but its whooves
i think, if the story would had have Moore Details, it could be a pretty gold and adventurous story. :D
but i linke it so far, except the part where her verlaufenden ngs suddenly switched over Tod timer.... this was kinda unrealistic. :/
3185664 I know, but I think it would help the reader understand so far what Time Turner is doing
3182365
Dr. Hooves. Fan name is Dr. Whooves.
plot twist
3186159
Why do I have to put a password to read the new chapter ?
3188331 Oh, it's still a work on progress and I accidentally put publish instead of edit and now it won't go away
3185664>>3186159
Oh god, just realized what i really wrote. Dumb auto correction!
What i meant to say, was that the story would be way better, if it got more details. But I like it so far, except the part, where derpy changed her feelings... This was kinda unrealistic. Not my type.
3190450 hahaha it's fine and sorry you didn't like that part as I said I'm trying to get this story over with :)
3188747
So that's why I can't read
i wanted to get full story before i said something. first off this is a great story. but why are you rushing it
3049217 i wanted to see if you would tell me what you think of my derpy/doctor story
i would to know what you think
you can find on my home page it should not be hard to find i only have 2 stories
3209898 trying to get it done and over with
sorry if it seems rushed I'll see what I can do
3210109 i like the fast pace but your starting to give stuff away keep us gussing on whats going to happen im not given stuff away but i know who derpy saw
3210386
I didn't mean to publish it....nevermind 
hahaha 
3214503 how can that be
3215188 long story...
MOOOORE I NEED MOOORRRREEEEE. MOOOOOO.
PLOT TWIIIIIIISSSSSSST
that ending is the bomb
3316861
thank you :)
3317079 i love how you ended it. that's was soo sweet i give you a 10/10 for that.
3317508 thank you :) this week inspired me
as did...other things...
3317522 other things as in.................. roooooomance!?!?!?!??!
3320120 XD you made me laugh and....maybe
3323865 GASSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
O:
I thought you wanted to finish this already and now you make a Sequel!
I'm looking forward! :)
Omg omg I can't wait
and here you had me thinking you where done with this story
ending was WAY too blatant.
Awwwwwwwww Nawwwww I wanted it to be Doctor just as badly as he did! Oh, well... MUST READ ON!!
WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT???????!!!!!!! I MUST FIND OUT!
AAAAAWWWWW NAAAAA DERPY!
WHY DID YOU SAY HENRY?! 
Oh well must read on and figure out how the Doctor wins Derpy's heart 
Fuck Henry
"Doctor Whooves and Assistant"? *eye twitches* ...Excuse me, I have an orange unicorn voodoo doll to maim...*trots away*
HOW YA LIKE THEM PEACHES YOU TARDIS-WRECKING WAIFU STEALER?! I'LL SHOW YOU THAT NOPONY BUCKS WITH MY OTP!!!
*heavy breathing* I feel better now.