Rule 63 Rarity and Fluttershy, now called Elusive and Butterscotch respectively, retire for the evening after a great event... only to be drawn closer in their rest.
Tea will be a few minutes... will Lilith rabbit be alright for the night? You normally make arraignments for her when you stay.
I think you meant arrangements, not arraignments... unless Angel/Lilith is finally under arrest for abusing Fluttershy/Butterscotch.
Nitpick aside, I enjoyed and devoured this fic. Those two make a surprisingly good couple, and you're certainly well aware of what the issues regarding backdoor entry are. Only thing I would have wanted to see is a little more lead-up in the form of perhaps a solid description of a hoof job and attempts at oral before moving on to the mane event.
Sorry about the favorite. It turns out when the site got redone, I lost my "read later" tab so when I see something interesting and want to read it later, I just use favorite.
I suppose I could contact a mod, but that would require effort that I can't spare. Besides we all know it's the users fault 100% of the time.
Anyway, I'm giving this story a no-vote. It has a nice, friendly atmosphere and Rarity does make a pretty cute stallion, but the exposition feels clunky. Having people come home at the end of a day and talk about what happened is awkward when the two people have been with each other the whole day and know this stuff firsthand. Just something to keep in mind. This thing needs some editing too. You should link actions and speech to character perspective so instead of this...
Elusive pushed open the door to his shop. Inside it was dark and warm... he used his magic to flick on a light:
"We're home!" He shouted into the empty establishment. "Alexanderite! Come see Daddy!"
You get this...
Elusive pushed open the door to his shop. Inside it was dark and warm... he used his magic to flick on a light. "We're home!" He shouted into the empty establishment. "Alexanderite! Come see Daddy!"
Elusive walking into the shop and speaking to the cat are all told from his perspective, so they share a paragraph.
There are spelling and other grammar issues, but nothing a good editor can't fix.
I must say I'm liking the Rule 63 concepts. It was fun deciphering who the stallion versions were.
This story is really fun. It gives just enough detail to make you curious as to what it could be like to be in such a situation. Nothing too over-the-top. I also like the confusion being shared by Butterscotch in how he expected to be doing what he's doing with Elusive with a mare. Definitely puts a lot more depth into the characters than just making a story with Rule 63 characters going at it.
I think you meant arrangements, not arraignments... unless Angel/Lilith is finally under arrest for abusing Fluttershy/Butterscotch.
Nitpick aside, I enjoyed and devoured this fic. Those two make a surprisingly good couple, and you're certainly well aware of what the issues regarding backdoor entry are. Only thing I would have wanted to see is a little more lead-up in the form of perhaps a solid description of a hoof job and attempts at oral before moving on to the mane event.
Okay I'm not sure wether or not that was a Borderlands reference the whole Angel/Lilith thing
Sorry about the favorite. It turns out when the site got redone, I lost my "read later" tab so when I see something interesting and want to read it later, I just use favorite.
I suppose I could contact a mod, but that would require effort that I can't spare. Besides we all know it's the users fault 100% of the time.
Anyway, I'm giving this story a no-vote. It has a nice, friendly atmosphere and Rarity does make a pretty cute stallion, but the exposition feels clunky. Having people come home at the end of a day and talk about what happened is awkward when the two people have been with each other the whole day and know this stuff firsthand. Just something to keep in mind. This thing needs some editing too. You should link actions and speech to character perspective so instead of this...
You get this...
Elusive pushed open the door to his shop. Inside it was dark and warm... he used his magic to flick on a light. "We're home!" He shouted into the empty establishment. "Alexanderite! Come see Daddy!"
Elusive walking into the shop and speaking to the cat are all told from his perspective, so they share a paragraph.
There are spelling and other grammar issues, but nothing a good editor can't fix.
Good luck with your future stories!
I must say I'm liking the Rule 63 concepts. It was fun deciphering who the stallion versions were.
This story is really fun. It gives just enough detail to make you curious as to what it could be like to be in such a situation. Nothing too over-the-top. I also like the confusion being shared by Butterscotch in how he expected to be doing what he's doing with Elusive with a mare. Definitely puts a lot more depth into the characters than just making a story with Rule 63 characters going at it.
Looking forward to reading more soon. :)