South-Pony Collision

by misterawesome

5aving Pieces

"Put my hands up? Fuck you sayin' bruh?
Cause I'm a black man, in a Phantom?
Or is it 'cause my windows tinted,
Car cost three hundred thou and I blow Indo in it?"
-Jayceon "The Game" Taylor
from "Ali Bomaye" off of Je5us Piece, 2012

When we get to Discord, he’s back in the park behind the hedge maze. He looks down at Cartman and says, “Sir Derpingham III, where have you been? Now get back to cleaning my couch!”

Cartman yells back, “No way Discord, you bitch! You tricked me into being your slave.”

“Aurgh! Screw you, Sir Derpingham! I thought I was your friend.” He turns to me, and looks at me suspiciously. He says, “Waaaait a second. I’ve heard about you.” He points to me, and I get a bit nervous. I say, “Who, me?”

“Yes, you. You are the good-looking human that turns into a pony, and that way you get all the girl ponies.” Discord is actually not happy right now. He actually gets angrier and says, “And you slept with every one of the mane six! What the?”

“That’s right,” I say. “You’re just jealous of a high-class, stylish, popular human.”

“Indeed. But, you are also a friend of the Mane Six! I must shun you to death!” He calms himself down, and looks down on me. He says, “You know, all that sex can get you sick and die. Maybe it’s about time you should give up on big pimpin’, eh? Live a normal life, with a wife, in your own human world, and avoid the dangers of promiscuity.”

Instead of my eyes swirling and turning grey, I look at Discord frustratingly with my arms crossed the whole time he was talking. I say, “I know what your ass is up to. I’m not buyin' that shit."

“Sweet Celestia! How could you possibly resist my sheer, ingenious tricks?”

“That’s because I’m intelligent. I am not naïve like kids or ponies. Also, your evil tricks are terrible. You make chocolate rain instead of highly concentrated acid rain. You overturn buildings instead of demolishing them. You just simply piss off and be mean to ponies instead of killing them. You make the wild look only hella weird instead of depriving it of living. If you want to be an actual villain, you got to damage and terminate shit, not just troll people and ponies. Because that’s exactly what a bad villain does. You are a BAD villain."

That shocks and appalls Discord. He says, “I’m a-bad villain? Is all that why?”

I pull out my guns and turn them to fire. I say to him, “That’s right. A bad villain-that’s the shit I don’t like!” BANG! BANG! go the pistols, as one bullet hits Discord’s stomach while the other hits his head. He could not do anything because he had never thought he would feel so much pain ever. He falls to the ground. “Ahh! The pain! I don’t think I can walk again! What happened?” he complains. He has difficulty speaking too because he’s conflicting with the pain. Among with that, his arms, legs, and claws cringe.

“Dude, pound it,” says Cartman. I give him knuckles and yell to Discord, “Hey Discord-ha! That’s what you get for being Equestria’s villain-the pussy villain of fine, cute ponies. So I had to be the villain of your life!” Cartman and I stare at Discord with sinister facial expressions.

Discord says, “If you see the Mane Six, tell them that they…are…are…” His mouth stops moving, his arms and claws drop to the ground. Discord is dead now. Cartman and I cheer and throw our arms in the air. “That was so tight butthole!” says Cartman. “High-five!”

I give him a high-five and say, “Come on big guy, let’s go tell the news to all the others!” So us two go back into town to spread the word, first to the Mane Six.

When the Mane Six get a view of Discord’s dead body for the first time, they are astonished out of happiness. They make interjections, talk to each other about how great this whole situation is and all. Then Twilight Sparkle says, “Well, we should know who this hero assassin is. How Discord died is beyond me!”

Cartman and I are standing next to the ponies, and I tell Twilight, “I killed Discord. No bullshittin’.”

“Dear Celestia,” Twilight excitedly says, “It was you?”

“It’s true,” Cartman says, “I was witness to it.” The ponies rush over to me and surround me with their big smiles. Pinkie Pie puts her hooves around my torso and says to my face, “Peter, you are a WONDER! How did you kill him?”

I reply, “I just put my intelligent and human powers to work on him.” I don’t bother telling them I had used my guns because I don’t feel like making another bang out in this small town. They don’t know what a gun is either anyway.

“Well damn, I better go tell Celestia that you killed Discord,” Twilight says. “All of Equestria has been waiting for this day. Oh, and we should turn Ponyville back to normal the same way we had done when he came before. That being said, anypony know where the Elements of Harmony are kept?”

The other ponies and I shake their heads. Cartman asks, “Elements of Harmony? Dafuq are they?”

I explain to him, “The Elements of Harmony are some powerful necklaces and a tiara for each of these ponies. Nobody knows where they are now.”

“Yeah, I’m too tired to find that shit. But if they’re for cleaning up this mess of the great bitch Discord, then I’ll hop on.”

“Awesome. Alright girls, me and Cartman are finna hunt down the Elements of Harmony. I think you guys should just celebrate somehow now that Discord is dead.” Pinkie yells, “Party at my house, everypony!” The other ponies cheer collectively in response.

However, both the unicorns would not go. Twilight says to Pinkie, “Well this is a pretty big deal right here. I must tell Celestia about this. Later girls,” Twilight turns away and gallops her way to Canterlot. The other unicorn says, “Sorry again, Pinkie. But I got some unfinished business with Peter tonight. I’d like to be by his side when he and this kid find the Elements of Harmony.” She puts her front leg around my torso, then I do the same to her with my arm.

“It’s okay,” says Pinkie. “Everybody in town is invited cause it’s the death-of-Discord celebration.”

Cartman tells me, “Pete, I want to go to Pinkie’s party now!”

“Nope,” I say. “First of all, this species produces booze only occasionally. Second, you will find the music they play worse than the radio you listen to.”

Rainbow interrupts, “And you have to take care of some so-called business with Rarity! Hahahaha! Yeah right, like that will happen.”

“Shut up, Rainbow Dash,” I say.

“Yeah, shut up, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity says.

Of course, she doesn’t. She says, “I got my eyes on you.” She puts her hoof on her nose, then points to me and Rarity, scaring us.

“Come on ponies,” says Pinkie. “Let’s go party!” The three who would party follow Pinkie Pie to her house, who hops on the way. Then she says bye to me, Rarity, and Cartman and we wave back.

Then I say to the two, “Alright. Let’s meet back at my house before we find the Elements of Harmony. So we can plan how to get them." The two nod in agreement, and the three of us hop back on the train to my house. So we can avoid being swarmed by others, we tell nobody and no pony that I killed Discord.

********************************************************************************

When we’re in the living room, and by the way I’m back in human form, the three of us discuss how we would find the Elements. Rarity suggests, “Now Pete, you’re like the most popular brony in town. Do you know any interesting nerds who would know where they are?”

“Great idea Rarie,” I say. “I actually know of this one guy who lives in downtown that always does these missions with a time lord pony.”

“And if he doesn’t tell us where they are,” says Cartman, “we should hold him hostage, and shoot him if he still doesn’t cooperate, just like in the movies. That'll be awesome!”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” exclaims Rarity. “That’s a horrific plan.”

“But baby,” says I, “This is a serious matter. I mean, those Elements aren't just stones-they're the only key for Equestria's survival! Plus, Celestia would approve of you six doing special missions. And besides, sometimes you gotta be bad to survive. This is one of those times.”

“Fine, I suppose so. But you gotta teach me how to use a gun.”

“Don’t worry, Imma do that. Cartman, stay inside and watch TV or whatever-and DON’T STEAL my weed this time!”

“Yeah sure, whatever,” he replies. Then Rarity and I go outside to the field part of my lawn. I pull out the revolver in my right hand and say to her, “Now take this one. She grabs it with her magic. “Okay, now what?” she says.

“So, you see these tiny metal things on the top of the gun?”

“Yeah, what about them?”

“Look closely at the farther one, but make sure you line them up with one of your eyes. That means close one eye, and look through them with another.” She figures out how to use her aim. “Okay,” she says, “what now?”

I think of something for her to shoot at. Then I realize that I’ve had my frozen coffee with me the whole time since I had bought it. I walk a fair distance away from Rarity, and set down my coffee on the grass. I take a few steps to the side, point to my drink and tell her, “Now align the sights with this coffee I’m pointing at.” So she does just that. Then I head back behind her, and when I get there, say, “Okay, now pull the trigger.”

Rarity pulls the trigger with her magic. Because of the loud gunshot noise, she yelps, jumps back, and drops the weapon. However, she manages to hit the cup of coffee and make it explode. “Perfect,” I say. “You did everything right. That is the exact shit I wanted you to do.”

However, Rarity has something different on her mind. “Holy crap!” she says. “This gun is loud as fuck. I don’t think I can handle using this.” She says the last sentence in a guilty manner.

“Don’t let that get in your way,” I tell her. “I can get you some earmuffs so you won’t be affected. Come inside.” I pick up the other gun.

“Please do,” says Rarity. “If you have any Chanel earmuffs that would be lovely.” So we head inside my room and grab a pair of black Chanel earmuffs. Rarity puts them on immediately after I grab them off the shelf. She does a few random poses and I say, “Haha, that’s cute. But let’s get going, okay?” We head out the door and I tell Cartman, “Eric, get off the TV. We’re going to that guy’s house right now.” He turns off the TV and gets up looking as if he doesn’t want to go. “Goddammit!” he says. “I was just about to see Cleveland fall out of his bathtub!” He follows me and Rarity into my garage.

********************************************************************************

I turn on the lights and tell the two, “Now hop in the Caddie again.”

“No dude, come on,” Cartman says, “Let's at least take the truck this time.”

“Nope. It’s better if we went out with more class for this specific trip.”

“Alright, alright. But I call dibs on shotgun!”

“In your dreams, child,” Rarity says. “Peter and I both know that I have to get the front seat when we ride together.”

“She’s right,” I say. “Cartman, get in the middle row.”

“Fucking Jews!” Cartman says all pissed off. So we hop in the Escalade, I start the engine, back out of the driveway, and we’re on our way. The drive is six miles from my rich neighborhood to the apartment near downtown Bronyapolis. Rarity and I talk on the way while Cartman plays Clash of Clans on his iPhone.

As we park next to the apartment, I turn towards the others and tell them, “Alright. This is our place. Rarity and I will take the guns and question this guy. Cartman stays back and watches over the Escalade.”

“Why do I have to watch out for your car? It’s a boring ass job.”

“But I’ll leave they keys in so you can listen to the radio and adjust the A/C. And keep the doors locked, of course.”

“Well…if you say so, I’ll stay.”

“Awesome. Let’s get to it, girl.” Rarity and I hop out, and as we walk to the door, she asks, “Dear baby, please carry my gun for me. I can’t bother to carry it myself until the time comes.”

“Of course,” I say, “why the hell wouldn’t I?” I cock one gun, which is for Rarity. Then we go inside the apartment, and head up in the elevator. I press the button for the fourth floor.

“So darling, what’s the name of the man that lives in this apartment?” Rarity asks.

“His name is Zach Kissov,” I say. “His grandparents were technology and science smarts in this secret human war called the Cold War. So he had those talents passed down to him, which pretty much allows him to do all these crazy adventures and shit with his time lord partner.”

"Ah I see. Wait a second-a secret war? Oh my Celesita! Nopony in Equestria would have ever thought of such thing. I'd like to see how that all started."

"Well girl-you see, there is a lot I'd have to explain to ya about the Cold War. But it's mostly about politics, which is boring stuff."

"Indeed. It would be very surprising if I were to ever talk about politics."

The elevator dings and the doors open. As we walk out the elevator and to the guy’s apartment room, I tell Rarity, “Now, when I give you the gun, only pull the trigger when I do so, and point the gun at whatever I’m pointing mine at. Just so things don’t get fucked up, you know what I’m saying?”

“Yes Pete, I understand,” she says. At this time, the two of us arrive at the door to Zach Kissov’s apartment room. “I’d rage like hell if it turns out he doesn’t have the Elements with him,” I say.

I knock on the door, and a random brony in the corner opens it for us. Apparently he’s Zach’s drug dealer, because he’s wearing a black hoodie and is holding a bag of cocaine. Kissov is lying on a couch across from us texting. He’s wearing jeans, glasses, a black bowl cut, and his shirt reads, “KEEP CALM AND HIDE THE EVIDENCE.” His time lord partner is a tan pony with a brown tail and mane. He’s sitting at a table eating some fast food.

So we come in the room and I tell the guys, “Hey, kids. How ya boys doin'?” The dealer closes the door.

Then Kissov slouches out of his couch a bit towards me. I come up to him, give him the "stop" signal with my hand, and say, "Hey, keep chillin'." Then I move my hand in an upward motion, pretty much meaning "keep just lying on your couch." So Kissov gets up and lies down on the couch again. Rarity trots to the kitchen and takes a look around it.

Then I turn to the time lord and say to him, “You know who we are? We’re associates of the Princess looking for the Elements of Harmony. You do remember when you and Kissov over here used them for a mission, don’t ya?”

The time lord didn’t answer, and instead looks up to his left. I continue, “Now I’m gonna take a wild guess here…" I point to him. "You’re Doctor Hooves, right?”

He pauses for a second. “Yeah, I am Doctor Whooves,” he replies with a debonair British accent.

“I thought so. You remember those Elements of Harmony, don’t ya Doctor?”

“I remember them.”

“Good. Yo, seems as if me and Rarity caught you boys at meal break. Whatcha havin'?”

“Hamburgers.”

“Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any healthy American meal. Where from?”

“Ah, Culver’s.”

“Culver’s, that’s that Wisconsin burger joint. I’ve heard they got some tasty burgers. Now I ain't ever had one of they burgers myself, how is one?”

"It's, it's very good."

"You mind if I try yours?"

“Yes sir, right ahead.” I slowly grab the burger and take a big bite out of it. I happen to enjoy the taste and say, “Hmmmm. This is a tasty burger.” Then I point to Whooves’ drink and ask him, “What’s in this?”

“Mountain Dew.”

“Mountain Dew, good. You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?”

“Yeah, sure.” So I grab the soda and drink all the Mountain Dew that’s left. I set the cup down and say, “Ahhh. That hit the spot.” Then I turn to Zach and ask him, “You-Kissov, know why we’re here?”

Kissov nods his head. I continue, “Won't you tell my girl Rarity, where you’ve got that shit hid.”

The drug dealer says, “It’s over there, it's-“

I swiftly turn to him and yell, “I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GODDAMN THING!” The dealer freezes and stares at me out of shock. Then I turn back to Zach and ask him, “You were sayin’?”

“It’s in the cupboard,” Kissov says. He points to the cupboard in the kitchen. Rarity uses her magic to open the cabinet, and pulls out a black briefcase with a Post-It-Note stuck to it that says “Elements of Harmony.” She puts the briefcase on the counter and says, “The Elements of Harmony! Glad to see them once again.” Next she opens the briefcase, because it’s already set to the unlocking code (420). Sadly, instead of the Elements lying perfectly in the briefcase, there is only a note at the bottom of the case that says “I.O.U.” Rarity’s face turns from happy to confused, combined with a bit of sadness.

“They in there?” I ask.

“I’m afraid not,” says Rarity. “All I found was an I.O.U.”

Doctor Whooves says nervously, “Look, I'm sorry. Ah, I didn't get your name. I know your girl’s-Rarity, right? But I never got yours.”

I unkindly tell him, “My name’s Wiz, and your ass ain’t talking your way out of this shit.”

Whooves says, “No...I just want you to know, how-” I give him the “stop” signal with my hand, and he shuts up. Though a few seconds later he continues, "I just want you to know, how sorry we are, that-that things got so fucked up between us and the Elements.” While he’s talking, I slowly pull out my 9mm and casually, blindly point it at Kissov. “Zach and I constantly travel into time periods and dimensions to fight various monsters, and we only had so little time, really. I never, in-”

I shoot the gun aimed at Kissov, barely missing him. He turns around just in time, and he tries to calm down, but appears to be having a spaz attack. Doctor Whooves whimpers and shakes, afraid I would kill him.

“On, I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?” I tell the Doctor.

Doctor Whooves continues to shake and pant.

“I didn't mean to do that, please," I tell him. "Continue. You were saying something about ‘so little time?’ What’s the matter?”

But Doctor Whooves is too scared to speak. So I continue, “Oh-oh, you were finished? Oh well allow me to retort.” I stare closer at the Doctor and ask him, “What does the case of the Elements of Harmony look like?”

“What?” the doctor says anxiously.

Now I get furious and flip his table. I yell, “WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU FROM?”

“Wha-what?” anxiously says the Doctor.

“‘WHAT' AIN'T NO COUNTRY I'VE EVER HEARD OF. DO THEY SPEAK ENGLISH IN WHAT?”

“What…?”

“ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?”

“Yes!”

“THE YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?”

“Yes!”

“DESCRIBE WHAT THE ELEMENTS CONTAINER LOOKS LIKE!”

“What? I-”

I draw my gun on him and yell, “SAY ‘WHAT’ AGAIN. SAY. ‘WHAT.’ AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE-DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! SAY 'WHAT' ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!”

Whooves starts to pant and he says, “It’s…it’s wooden!”

“GO ON!”

Whooves pants some more. “And gold!” he says.

“Does it look like a chest?”

“Wha-what?”

I shoot the Doctor in his shoulder. I slowly yell, “DOES IT LOOK LIKE A CHEST?”

In a higher-than usual voice, the Doctor screams, “NOOOO!” Then I ask him, “Then why you gotta lose it like a bitch, Whooves?”

He spasms and says, “I didn’t!”

“YES, YOU DID. YES, YOU DID, WHOOVES! Your ass lost them. The Elements of Harmony don’t like to be lost by anybody except…nopony. You read the Bible, Doctor?”

“Yes…!”

“Now there’s this passage I got memorized; seems appropriate for this certain situation. Heads up, Rarity!” I pull out my other gun and toss it to her. She catches it with her magic and aims at Doctor Whooves. “Ezekiel 25:17,” I tell Whooves. I walk around while saying the verse.

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison, and destroy my brothers. AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD, WHEN I LAY THY FINGERS UPON THEE!”

I aim my 9mm at Doctor Whooves, who is shrieking like hell. Me and Rarity shoot him a total of eight times, which kills him. While we were shooting him, the dealer drops to the floor, and Kissov starts to cry. After we shoot the Doctor, Rarity and I leave the apartment room without saying a word. She also gives me my gun back as we walk out.

Just after we leave and close the door, Zach Kissov, who’s still panting, says to the dealer, “Don’t worry, they didn’t kill him. The Doctor always reincarnates.”

********************************************************************************

As we walk toward the door we had first entered, Rarity says, “Boy that was some rather brutal stuff.”

“I know,” I reply. “But as I said earlier, sometimes you gotta be bad to get what you need. Now hop in.” So she gets in shotgun, and I get in driver’s seat, then I start the engine. As I adjust my rearview mirror, in it I see Cartman duct-taped to his seat. His mouth is also duct-taped. I get immediately shocked, and say, “HOLY FUCK!” and swiftly turn towards him. Then Rarity turns towards him, and she screams.

“Cartman?” I ask. “What happened?”

His voice muffles through the piece of duct-tape, so we can’t understand what he’s saying. Then I say, “Okay, do exactly what I’m about to do.” I open my mouth wide, bite down quickly, pretend to eat, and spit. So he does exactly that. He bites down on the piece of tape, gets it in his mouth, and spits it out. Then I say, “Good, now what happened? I thought I locked this thing.”

Cartman says, “Oh God. I was just chilling on my iPhone, minding my own business, when your baby blue friend-”

Rainbow Dash quickly pops out of the back seat and shoved her hoof into his mouth. She gives me and Rarity a sinister look and says, “Your sorry ass forgot to lock the trunk door.” That confuses and pisses me off at the same time.

Rarity gets angry and tells Rainbow, “You will not get away with this, Dash! He’s mine tonight!”

“But I’m Rainbow fucking Dash! I can do anything with my sheer agility.”

“Anything?” Rarity says condescendingly. She unlocks the car and opens Cartman’s car door. Then she picks up Rainbow Dash. “Uh, what’s happening? Put me down!” says Rainbow. Then Rarity tosses her out to the sidewalk and slams the door as quickly as she could, and yells, “Drive! Drive!” So I slam my foot on the accelerator and we’re off.

At this moment, Rainbow Dash gets up and shakes her head. She has bruises on her left legs and left side of her face. She turns toward the direction the Escalade is headed, and catches a glimpse of it driving off. She snarls and flies after us.

Back in the SUV, I say, “Well, that was a lucky shot. If we didn’t think of that, we’d be fucked right now.”

“No worries,” Rarity says. “Let’s just safely drive back home and do what we do best.” She puts her left front leg around and relaxes me.

But I look into the rear view mirror for a second time, and catch Rainbow flying towards us. I yell, “Shit!” and pound my fist on the dashboard. This annoys Rarity and she asks me, “Oh, what could it possibly be now?”

“Look in the back window,” I answer. So she looks back, and when she sees RD, she facehoofs and worriedly says, “Awww, noo!”

To make matters worse, Cartman says, “Man. I’ve been in a car for a long time, and had a hard time breathing when I was taped up. I need some fresh air.” So he takes off his tape, and rolls down the window. Rarity and I yell, “CARTMAN, DON'T!” but his ignorance of Rainbow Dash on our tail allowed him roll the window all the way down. “What’s the big deal?” he says. “I’m just getting some nice air.”

When Rainbow sees Cartman rolling down his window, she flies faster and catches up on Cartman’s side of the car. Then she gets near the open window, and Cartman sees her and says, “Holy crap! How the hell did you get here?” Rainbow giggles, and she jumps through the window into the SUV. She hits the other middle door, and lands on the seat next to it. Rarity sees this and says “No!” in agony and starts to cry. I get the feeling that I’m done for.

“So guys,” Rainbow says sinisterly as she gets up, “les jeux sont faits. Translation: the game is up. All your asses are mine.” She pulls out the following items: the belt she had worn earlier in the story-but this time has chains attached to it, a truncheon, and the fragrance she had purchased from the salon earlier. Then she sprays that fragrance in the air so the vehicle smells like it. Cartman hates the smell, as he coughs and asks me, “Peter, where did this bitch come from? Her perfume smells like swamp ass!”

“You’re close chubby,” says Rainbow, “it does smell like ass. But it really smells like Pete’s ass. My favorite smell in the world.”

Cartman screams as if he were in pain from the perfume. I say to him, “That’s on you, Eric. We warned you not to roll up the window.”

Now Rainbow turns towards me and says, “Oh, Peter. How could I not forget about you! Come on, let’s bond a little shall we?”

Now I’m scared as shit. I know she will perform S&M acts on me, and now that’s imminent. Because I’m the driver, and the only thing I should have my eyes on is the road, so I couldn’t fight back. I sweat from nervousness.

So she gets behind my chair, and seductively says, “So boy, are you a good driver? A safe driver?” She continues to talk seductively for the time she’s here.

“Not really,” I say timidly. “I usually speed and-OW!” RD had just hit me in the upper right leg with the truncheon.

“Bullshit!” she says. “Drive at the speed you normally would.” The last speed limit sign I had saw is 35, and I’m going 43 now. So I stay at that speed, or Rainbow would hit me again.

But she does, and not just once. Her control over me does not stop. As we come to a crossroads, she asks, “Do you turn here often?”

“Yes,” I say.

“Righty tighty or lefty loosey?”

“Right.”

“Well, turn left.”

“But I’m in the right turn lane-AH!” Dash this time slaps me on the right hip with her front hoof. “I don’t care,” she says. “And as your master, you must obey my orders! Turn left!” So I turn left on the crossing road via the right turn lane. Then she says, “So, did that good ass slap get you in the mood?”

“I don’t understand why it would,” I reply.

“You’re terrible,” says Rainbow. “Really, really terrible. I’ll be waiting for some joy as soon as this gets you.” She puts the belt on me around my neck, the one with two links of chains attached.

Rarity has not stopped crying since RD had flown in from Cartman’s window. And when she sees the collar with links on me, she stops crying and starts getting into rage mode. So he tells Rainbow, “DASH! Eyes on me!”

“What is it, Ms. Single?” she replies.

“You know, how do you think it would feel if all this same exact shit was used against YOU? You would probably feel the same way Pete is right here!”

“Shut the fuck up! Sticks and stones may break my bones, smacks and chains however-get me pumped up!” She pulls the chains on the collar, and chokes me for a few seconds. Rarity screams. When Rainbow hears that scream, she says, “Oh, you like it huh? Well in that case, I’ll choke him every ten seconds, starting now.” She tugs on the chains again. “Oh yeah! I’m really loving this!”

Rarity has had enough. So she thinks about how she could get rid of Rainbow Dash, and successfully sleep with me when we get back to my house. She also knows it has to be done ASAP, because Rainbow is only gaining more control over me. While she thinks about a plan, she thinks about me and looks at me out of sadness. But as she does this, she notices one of the revolvers sticking out my right pocket. She slips it out with her magic, and taps me on the shoulder with it. As I look at the 9mm trapped inside a purple cloud, and look at Rarity. “You’ll need this,” she says. Then she drops it on my lap.

I ask her, “But how will I-” I cough from Rainbow choking me. “How will I be able to use this right without breaking something?”

“Open the skylight window, and aim through the open space it makes,” Rarity says.

So I press the button on the stereo that opens the panoramic roof, and it opens. Then I pick up my revolver. But just as I get a grip of the weapon, Rainbow chokes me again; my arm waves in the air and lose grip of my gun. Luckily, my thumb and middle finger keep a grip on it the whole time.

When the choking stops, I immediately regain full grip of it. I aim it at the sky exposed by the open skylight. I smile out of confidence, and pull the trigger. The noise does not affect either me or Rarity. It affects Cartman, but in a positive way. He reacts by closing his eyes and jumping up, but while smiling cause he's always wanted to hear a gun.

As for Rainbow Dash, she had never heard a gunshot in her life, nor had she ever seen a gun. It’s fierce noise and loud sound changes her mood right away from seductive to freaked the fuck out. She loses grip of those chains she chokes me with. She looks out all of the windows for any potential threats to her. When she finds none, she gets very anxious and says, “Uh guys, does anyone know what that was?”

Cartman says, “It’s-”

“I don’t really know,” I say in an honest tone. “But it sure sounds dangerous. It must not be safe to be down here on the ground.” Rarity and Cartman don’t react.

“Then I have got to retreat to Cloudsdale. Lucky for me, those intruders won’t even look there,” says Rainbow. She removes the collar from my neck, grabs the truncheon and perfume, and then flies at her racing speed out of Cartman’s window, still rolled down.

As soon as Rainbow is too far to hear us, Cartman exclaims, “Holy shit! What a relief!” He also rolls up his window.

While he goes back to playing Clash of Clans right away, Rarity of course is pretty joyous. She screams “YAY!” while throwing her front legs in the air. “Peter!” she says, “You are a hero!” She’s shedding some tears and hugs me.

“Love you too,” I say, “but please take it easy cause I’m still driving.”

“Oh yes,” she says, “I just can’t contain myself, dear. HahahaHA! I’ll let the radio calm myself down.” She turns on the stereo, and she turns it to a DJ talking. After he does a little more talking, he plays the song Diamonds by Rihanna.

“Goddammit!” exclaims Cartman. “This song is always on the radio.”

“Shut up!” I tell him. “This song is wonderful. Because it reminds me of,” I turn to Rarity with a smile on my face, “you.”

“That’s so true!” she happily says. She gives me a kiss on the cheek. “Now we just listen to this song in peace, and head back home for the fun.”