South-Pony Collision

by misterawesome

The South Shadys LC

Author's Note:

READ THIS FIRST, PLEASE!!

First of all, I will say this again: this fanfic is not the normal type. There's also other interesting things about it weird for a general story. Some things both bronies and non-bronies should take not are:
- The story should be read more analytically-I made it that way.
- Think of South Pony-Collision as not some typical, fantasy/epic fanfiction. It's more like an action thriller movie told in a six-part novella.
- Since this story has South Park in the mix, there will be South Park type humor in here. And we all know that it's for the most part amazing, but some see it as out of line. If you see something you think goes too far, just try not to let that get to you-we know that it's there just for comedic effect. And also that I don't condone any of that stuff.
- There are some words italics and other words in caps lock. So to clear all confusion, all words in italics are emphasized, and all words in CAPS LOCK are SPOKEN LOUDLY.
- (bronies only for this one, tho) SPC takes place between seasons two and three. I say that cause this story makes certain episodes in seasons 3 and 4 impossible to have ever happened.
- This story is supposed to be fun to read, but there is a pretty serious message within the action.

Bronies, please keep reading the notes.
Okay now listen up. I am very different from most bronies. Now, I understand many anime fans watch MLP, because the context is very similar. I have never been an anime person-the only ones I've seen are Pokemon, Avatar, and the Boondocks-if those even count lol. Personally I hate anime so much, and I've also never really been what would be considered a computer nerd, fanboy, etc.
That being said, two things. ONE: Imho, I f'n hate most bronies. Now I'm not gonna try to start arguments with you, but I still gotta share my opinions and truths. Sometimes when I browse through the titles and descriptions on the home page, I'm thinking "WTF?" I would never make such weird plotlines of cute, cuddly creatures when one main theme of the show is to escape such adult-like content, and strive for child innocence at an age where that's really hard to find.
Which brings me into reason TWO: I don't view My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic like the average brony does. Now I don't know what specifically MLP's animation has in common with anime that draws its fans towards it. But the #1 reason I watch that show is simply for happiness-feel-good combination of all this: cute animation, at least a partial feeling of childhood innocence, variety of character personalities, and legitimate plotlines unlike most "girly" cartoons. After seeing many suggestive pics of anime girls, strange anime plotlines, weird-ass pics of ponies which have scarred me for life, and many angry comments on the internet showing discontent about something in an MLP episode or something about a character.......you know what, I think you get the idea at this point.
Now, there is a share of anti-brony material in the first chapter and early on in the first, but they're too ignorant to reflect my views-I'm a critical person, not a judgmental one. But, I understand I hate most bronies, and most bronies will probably come to hate me at some point in the story. I'm more than happy to agree to disagree-but however you plan to insult/troll/rant on me, for the love of God please don't disrespect the way I see MLP:FiM and its characters. Because that's part of the game plan for this story. If you can't accept that, you won't enjoy a highly entertaining story with a special message meant to inspire every reader. And finally: while I said yall can insult me as a person, I still won't let anyone troll or hate on the story. I put a lot of work and focus into it, proving that anyone who jabs at it simply just doesn't understand its message. You can shoot the opposition, but not the messenger.

Thanks for reading this and hope you enjoy SPC,
misterawesome (I wish to remain anonymous)
Author
Editor

PLEASE READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTES FIRST!!!!

"Bought a ticket to your concert
Just to come and whip your ass
Bitch I'm coming out swinging
So fast it'll make your eyes spin
You getting knocked the fuck out like Mike Tyson"
-Marshall "Eminem" Mathers
from "Just Don't Give a Fuck" off of The Slim Shady LP, 1999

It is 2:50 PM at South Park Elementary. The school day ends in ten minutes; at three. In the fourth grade classroom, Mr. Garrison uses the rest of the school day to assign a project for the class. “Alright children,” says Mr. Garrison to the class, “now before you leave school today, I would like to go over a group report over what we have covered on these past few weeks on the journey of Baggins’ Ring. This project is due after the three-day weekend on Monday. That’s in five days.”

“Aww!” screams the pissed off class as a whole.

“Five days?” Eric Cartman asks out loud. “That’s no time at all!”

“Yeah,” Jimmy Valmer answers. “We have more I…I…important things to take care of than research a fucking r…r-r…ring. We need at least a week extended on this...cr…cr…crap.”

“Gosh darn it, kids!” yells Mr. Garrison. “Don’t be slacking around. You will be making a poster on different aspects of the journey, due Monday. No excuses, I rest my case!” He pounds his fist on his desk, and the class screams “Aww!” another time.

Then Garrison assigns his students their group topics. He says, “Wendy, Craig, Clyde, and Bebe: you will be presenting on why the ring must be returned and what its powers were. Tweek, Butters, Token, and Pip: you will be working on how the ring was stolen and how it was used as a stolen item. Eric, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny: you will work on the steps on how the ring would be returned. Now, each kid will have a certain job in the project. One person will write articles and captions, one person will get pictures from the internet, another person will design the poster, and that remaining person will present the poster to the class when the time comes.”

Mr. Garrison continues to assign groups, while Stan, Eric, Kyle, and Kenny get cracking down on their project. Stan starts by assigning his pals their jobs. He says, “Okay guys. Kyle does the writing, Cartman puts together the poster, Kenny presents, and I got the pictures. We cool?”

Cartman is relieved and says, “Whew. Now I can spend the weekend playing Call of Duty while the rest of you actually put time into your crappy little ring.” He giggles.

Recognizing his laziness, Stan purposely changes positions. “Change of plans a little,” he says. “Kyle puts together the poster, while Cartman writes.”

While Kyle giggles, Cartman gets upset and points a finger at Stan. He says, “I will kill you, after your faggot Jew friend.”

Later that night, Stan is in his room, researching pictures. The time is 8 PM. He researches pictures of meetings discussing how to deal with the ring. As he scrolls through the images. He finds a picture of Boromir captioned “One does not simply walk into Wal-Mart/There is an evil there that does not sleep.” Stan looks at it and laughs out loud. He says, “I wanna look at more of these ‘One does not simply walk into Mordor’ things. That's hilarious!” So he types into the search bar: “one does not simply walk into Mordor Boromir.”

So Stan scrolls through these results and enjoys the pictures he sees. But there are three certain pictures that confuse him: “I wonder why characters from My Little Pony appeared in the search results three times. And two of them copy Boromir. Hmm...” He scrolls back to one of those pictures, clicks on it, and goes to its website. The website is a forum on the meme research site Know Your Meme, and this specific forum features “One does not simply walk into Mordor” parodies.

As Stan looks through the page, he finds users with profile pictures the same ponies he saw in the images. “Okay, what is going on with people and these stupid ponies?” Stan says frustratingly. He then scrolls up a little, and catches a list of the “Trending Memes” on the top of the screen. One of the memes on the list reads “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” Stan says, “This must be it.” and clicks on the link.

The page he clicked on is about a generation of My Little Pony he never came across: "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” The page has a video at the top, but Stan skips it and reads the article instead. He finds out from reading the article that this My Little Pony trend on the internet is popular because it is obsessed not by young girls, but by teenage and adult males. As he reads the sentence that says that, he yelps and jumps out of his chair. He gets back up in his seat and angrily yells, “What the hell are these people doing? Praising My Little Pony on the internet?!”

Stan gets an mad urge to know everything he could about these people, so he stays up until eleven researching them.

********************************************************************************

The next morning at school, Cartman, Kenny, and Kyle grab their books from their lockers. Stan walks up to them with saggy eyes and his head tilted down. He drowsily says, “Hi, guys.” They turn to him and are surprised by the way he looks. Kyle says, “Dude, is there something wrong?”

Stan tells Kyle and his friends everything he did on the computer the previous night. He tells them he looked up pictures on the internet for the Fellowship of the Ring project, and found the “One does not simply” picture, which led to the ponified versions. He then tells them how he found out who the bronies are, and how the internet grabbed a hold of MLP:FIM in the first place. Then Stan explains the memes associated with the show, including ponifying. Other things he explains are fan art, the bronies’ massive spread, their damn good creativity, and cloppers. The reactions of the other three were priceless. They had their mouths open and expressions change the whole time Stan talked.

When Stan finishes, Cartman responds first by saying, “Wow. Unbelievable. That's just one more group of stupid people for me to screw over.”

“Stan,” says Kyle, “This is a joke, right?”

“I’m afraid not,” Stan replies, “I’m scared just as much as you guys are.”

“Well what are we waiting for,” asks Cartman, “Let’s go fuck with these guys!” This gives Stan an idea. He says, “Wait a second. There is one thing I did not mention to you guys. Listen up.

“There is actually a portal to the land where the ponies exist. It comes out at a city in that land where legit bronies live. No, really-trust me on this one. It's a chain-link fence said to be accidentally mixed with obsidian and toys of the ponies I saw. It's put on the side of an interstate over in north Illinois. There's even an intercharge that goes through it and leads directly to Bronyapolis, a town inhabited by 200k people, mostly bronies. Guys, if we could just grab a ride to that highway exit in Illinois, we can go raid the place and hurt as many hoes as we want!”

Cartman says, "That. Is. PERFECT!."

Says Kyle, “That's amazing. Hey, we should all meet at lunch to discuss this all, okay?” The three nod in agreement. "Alright guys, we have a deal!" Then the boys head off to class.

At lunchtime in the cafeteria, the boys are sitting down eating and discussing plans for their raid on bronies.

“Now, we are going to torture these douchebags,” says Stan. “But we should not kill them. Anyone know of anything that will hurt them bad, but not lethally?”

“Well,” says Cartman, “They are all pussies. We can probably kick their asses with just our fists and feet.”

“But some of them are fat. If they wanted to, they could body slam us!” implies Stan.

“How about we grab some baseball bats from Sports Authority and whack them with those,” muffles Kenny.

“Again,” says Kyle, “we are too weak and young to hit them with a baseball bat and give them the pain they deserve-they are a disgrace to society.”

“True," compliments Stan. "We might as well need something that isn't a manual tool. An electronic or something.”

What Stan just said gets Cartman thinking about how he could hurt all the bronies with a simple device. Then he gets an idea. An awful idea. Cartman gets a wonderful, awful idea. He shouts out one word in exclamation: “TASER.” His friends stare at him in confusion. He says, “We could use tasers to tase these dicks. There's no strength required, we just sneak up on them and go Zap! I think it's genius.”

“He’s right,” exclaims Stan. “Not just anyone can take the shock of a fucking taser! We can just take some from the police, then we're set. Kyle and Kenny, do you agree?”

Both shout “Yeah!”

Then Kyle says, “Okay, we have our weapons. Now how the hell are we supposed to get to Illinois?”

“Well,” says Stan, “there is a bus in town that is set to leave to Wisconsin Dells at four today. And to get to the water park, you have to take the highway to Interstate 39, and head north on it. That's the highway where the portal is. Trust me, we will see the exit to Equestria after we merge onto that highway.”

“Where exactly does the bus leave?” asks Cartman.

“Oh, just outside of the police station.”

“Gold! We just ask Barbrady for some tasers, sneak onto the bus, and we hit jackpot!”

“Excellent!” says Kyle. “Let’s all head down there right after school.”

The boys arrive at the station at around 3:30. They come up to the receptionist, and Stan asks for Officer Barbrady. The receptionist responds, “Sure, in his office on the third floor.” Stan replies, “Thanks much!” and the boys rush to the elevator. When they have arrived on the third floor, they rush to Barbrady. While the gang is coming up next to the officer, Cartman, who is panting from running, points to him and says, “Officer Barbrady!”

“Oh, what do you kids want now?” answers Barbrady, frustrated upon their arrival.

Cartman says, “Officer Barbrady, may we please borrow four tasers?” in a sweet, innocent little girl voice in hopes of Barbary’s approval. However, Barbrady yells back at him, “NO! You kids are too young for tasers! They are dangerous as hell. You don’t even know!”

At this point, Cartman realizes there is nowhere to turn but to make some excuse for Barbrady. So he continues in his little girl voice, “But officer, our parents are trying to get rid of tigers that keep coming onto our yards.” Kenny adds, “Yeah. They are really pissing all our families off.”

This time, Barbrady listened and believed them. He tells them, “Well, okay kids. The tasers are down in our arsenal on the first floor.”

“Thank you very much, officer,” says Cartman in his sweet voice one last time. Then the boys head down to the arsenal and grab one taser for each kid without interference. Then as they step out of the police station, they see the bus to Wisconsin Dells filling up. So they head to the parking lot the bus is on. They sneak on by stealthily cutting in line, and they find a place in the back to sit. Luckily, they did not caught due to their relatively short heights in a crowd of people. Once they sit down, Kyle says to the rest with a sinister look, “Now, we just wait. Nobody else is in our way at this point. Next stop: Equestria.” The four kids giggle.

Then, a childish voice out of nowhere speaks to Kyle, “Hey, you fellas kickin’ some brony butt too?” That is Butters. He is sitting on the seat on the same row as the boys, but on the other side of the bus.

“Holy crap, Butters!” exclaims Kyle. “You are going to Equestria to fuck with bronies like us?”

“Yeah! I googled ‘Fellowship of the Ring’ on images, and got a bunch of stupid ponies! Then I found out the uploaders were-“

“Butters, we know. Stan told us everything already. By the way, do you know if they will kick us out if they find out about us?”

“Aw, shucks no. Since all these Asians have their eyes closed half the time, they will barely even recognize us! And because lots of them are short, especially the girls, we'll blend in right with them.”

“Well, that’s a huge relief. You know Butters, I remember these Asians. The hogged up all the lines at the ski lifts last winter.”

“Yeah. There were so many of them, we only went skiing three times. There were like, four buses of Asians and we had to fight our way to ski.”

“It’s probably that Asians travel in packs. You know, like Mexicans.”

A man with a clipboard comes on the bus, and it's Tuong Lu Kim, the owner of the Chinese restaurant City Wok. Wearing a white polo and khaki pants, he stands in front of everyone and takes attendance. Luckily for the boys, he only skims the crowd and does not look at anybody directly, not to mention his eyes are closed often. So he only notices Asians and not white kids. He doesn’t even look away from his clipboard; he only calls out names and checks them off. As he finishes, he sits down with the other trip planners in the front row. He says to the crowd, “Arright dwivew, we awe weady to go. Next stop, Wisconsin Derrs!” The driver starts the engine, and the trip to the Wisconsin Dells officially begins.

********************************************************************************

Throughout the trip, the five kids had to really hide strategically. For most of the ride, they just chill on the seats they were on when they left. When the bus would stop for food or a rest stop on the highway, the boys head out last, and take as little time as possible on their break. When they would get back to the bus, they would hide under the same back seats they've been sitting on, and finally hop on when everyone else does. Overnight, most of the bus spends the night at a hotel in a town in western Nebraska. Since a room for them was never booked, the boys spend the night in the storage compartment at the bottom of the bus. But they're woken up by the bus leaving so they had to say there until their next stop. They fight along the way blaming each other, but stop when Stan tells the group it could have been worse. He brings up the time he, Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny went to Afghanistan. They were going to return a goat there, but when they load it into the cockpit of a military plane they get locked in. What would be worse, Cartman farted and the other three had to breathe it in for the entire flight. Back to the bus, they finally get off in Omaha when everyone on the bus stops for Subway. Then the five get back on their seats as quickly as possible.

On I-39 north, just about one mile until the portal, the bus comes to a stop at a rest area. As it stops, the five stay on and hide under the seats until everyone else gets off. When these five kids get off the bus, Stan tells them, “Well guys, we are damn close. We just gotta walk two miles, and we’ll be in the promised land.”

“Walk two whole miles?!” Cartman blurts out. “I ain’t ever doing that shit in my life! Could one of you bros carry me on the way there?”

The others give him a look. Cartman continues, “Butters? Stan? You two are the most generous people I know…and I will each buy you a soda inside.”

Butters unsurprisingly volunteers, saying “I got your back, Eric!” knowing he will get a soda. But Stan refuses. He says, “No, no, no. Nobody is being lifted. That’s fucking stupid.” However, Butters tells Stan, “But then we’d have to be walking in Equestria.” This changes Stan’s mind. “Okay, fine,” he says. “But I’m not carrying Cartman. I’m the most responsible here, so I should lead ya’ll. Kenny, you carry him for me.”

Kenny muffles, but his verbal expressions say that he doesn’t want to carry Cartman’s fat ass around. So Eric convinces Kenny, “Come on Ken, do you want a soda?” Kenny says, “Aw yeah!”

“Alright, alright,” Cartman says. “I’ll go inside and get two sodas. See ya in a minute or two.” So he walks in to get sodas from the vending machine.

As Cartman walks away from the rest of the group, Tuong walks up to them. He is talking on his smartphone, saying, “Yes. Werr, this fiwst one has a brue buttoned shiwt and bronde haiw, the second weaws an owange coat and a gween huntew’s hat, the thiwd…” He is describing Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, and Kenny to the cops back over in South Park. Stan overhears what he is saying, and yells, “CARTMAN! COME BACK NOW!” Cartman turns around and jogs over to Stan. “Come on, let’s go! We’ve got no time!”

So Stan sprints toward the interchange that leads into Equestria, and the boys follow him right away. Tuong stops talking on his phone for a second and shouts at them, “Hey, you mothewfuckews! Get youw rittre asses back hewe!” Then he chases the kids, whom are sprinting across the parking lot. Because they are kids and the Tuong is in his mid-30’s, he's easily gaining up on them. As he is ten feet away from them, however, a semi-truck backs out of its parking space and hits him, sustaining serious injuries. Even though the kids get scared as shit from that, they continue to run away. They sprint until they could no longer see the rest stop. As they finally stop, they pant heavily, and fall to the ground from fatigue. Also since it’s dusk at this point, they sleep there through the moonlight.

Butters is the first to wake up; he opens his eyes at 8:10 AM. He gets up and realizes that the rest of his friends are asleep, leading him to say, “Well, I don’t wanna wake these fellas up, so I’ll just let them wake up on their own.”

But as he turns around and faces north, he sees a highway sign that reads from top to bottom, “Exit 86/Interstate 139 EAST/Bronyapolis/EXIT ONLY” An exit ramp leading into the fence lies below the sign. As soon as Butters sees this, he yells, “Fellas! Fellas!” He wakes everyone else up. Kyle, who’s pissed that he awoke, asks Butters, “Butters, what the hell is it?”

He answers, “Look! We’re here!” He points to the Bronyapolis exit sign.

Kyle turns around in that direction, and instantly screams “Oh my God! We’ve made it! Wake up everybody, vamanos!” The rest of the gang gets up from the ground, and all stare at the exit in chill excitement. Then Kyle leads them up the side of the exit ramp, and where meets the fence. They stare at the fence for a few seconds. Then Stan says to the gang, “Boys, this is it. This is that fence I told you about.”

“So,” says Cartman, “is this fence legit?” He puts his arm through the fence to make sure. When he puts his arm through, it causes ripples in the fence as if he put his arn in water. He also doesn't see that part of his arm on the other side. “Well, I’d be damned if it wasn’t,” he says. So the boys pmoceed to walk through the fence and into the land known as Equestria.

Now, here is the scene of Equestria the boys first see: Below them is the exit ramp they came on, which forms with other lanes to make Interstate 139. (Once Bronyapolis was established, the US Government purchased the land it would be on. And its state is still Illinois.) The exit lanes come out of a mountain. To their right are some suburban neighborhoods. Farther in the distance, and to the left of the suburbs, were apartments and office complexes, meaning downtown Bronyapolis. To the left of the boys is the Everfree Forest. In front of them appeared more stretches of houses and some businesses. A dirt road and railroad both run through the entire town. These are the routes to other Equestria cities, since ponies don’t drive.

It is also important to see that Equestria is to be seen by the SPC readers in the MLP: FiM animation, not in the South Park animation or a real life perspective. However, the humans, what they wear, and the things they are touching remain in South Park animation.

*******************************************************************************

Now, the boys are quite fascinated by their first scene of the landscape, as well by the MLP animation it brings. “How come a palace of pussies looks so much more cooler than our shitty town?” asks Kyle.

“The residents are gay,” says Kenny.

“Yeah, yeah,” says Kyle. “It always seems to be the homosexuals that are better than straights at art. I mean, Freddie Mercury for Christ’s sake.”

“Ayo!” interrupts Cartman. “Quit your chattin’ and let’s get crackin’. I’m starving.”

“Okay okay, whatever you say,” says Kyle. So they continue down the roadside of I-139.

A few minutes later, Stan’s stomach growls. “I actually agree with Cartman,” he says. “Let’s get food before we do anything else.”

“Seriously!” blurts Cartman. “I haven’t had anything to eat since some beef jerky in Des Moines.”

So soon the boys get off the highway at an exit to Strong Avenue, a major road where several businesses and attractions are. As they walk down Strong, they see some bronies and some ponies on the sidewalk and in buildings. However, all of them have a bracelet on them with a small button. When the brony presses the button, he turns into his own unique pony, and vice versa.

Stan looks at these people and ponies and asks, “Do you know what I realized?”

“What is it?” Butters replies.

“I gotta feeling about this city. Almost every guy I’ve seen is nerd that looks like either Michael Moore, a hipster, or something inbetween.”

“Eww! Those people freak me out. And their clothes-they all wear blue jeans and glasses. I hate glasses and jeans.”

While Stan and Butters talk, Cartman spots a McDonald’s that the rest just seem to miss. He runs right to it. “Come on guys!” he says to the rest. They look at him with a confused look, since Cartman is excited and the rest have no idea why. Anyway, Cartman goes into the crowded McDonald’s and the others, now salivating, follow. So then they just go order their food and sit down somewhere.

When all five boys sit down, Cartman whispers to Butters, “Hey. You and I go get the food. As we leave, I’ll tase the first person in line. Then we can tase whoever we want. By then, this place would go bananas.”

“But Cartman…” asks Butters.

“What is it?”

“I don’t have a taser. I have no idea how all you fellas got one and I-" Cartman covers Butters’ mouth. “I got this, boy,” he says. “Kenny?”

“Yeah?”

“Butters doesn’t have a taser and he needs one. Can he borrow yours for a second?”

“Oh, sure.” Kenny pulls out his taser and tosses it to Butters.

“Order number 1-5-5 for Eric is ready,” says an employee over the PA. Cartman tells Butters, “Come on, Butters. Now is our chance!” The two get up out of their seats to the cashier. They grab the food. As soon as Cartman turns around, he stops. Silently but swiftly he takes out his taser, and turns it on. He immediately tases the first brony in line, who faints down to the floor from pain. The customers watching this react with much shock and fear. They run around the restaurant and scream.

Butters starts tasing other bronies, while Cartman runs back to the others through the horde. He tells them, “Guys, let’s get to the tasing! Hahaha!” They laugh with him a little, and go around tasing most of the brony customers still freaking out. Once all the bronies have either fainted or fled the restaurant, Kenny notices one of the McDonald’s employees calling 911. He points it out to the others, and then they all run out of McDonald’s with their food down Strong Ave. They flee the scene before authorities arrive, and find a quiet place in one of the suburban areas to be safe.

They chill on a sidewalk curb, and eat their food while talk about the tasing. They're saying how awesome they thought it was, and laugh about it some. When they finish, Kyle says, “Alright guys, listen up. Here’s part two of this plan: So I will go up to one of these houses, and ring the doorbell. When the nerd answers, I will tase him right away. The rest of you will just chill on the sidewalk. When I say ‘Fly,’ we will run off to the end of the road, and walk to a house on another street to repeat the process. Don’t fret, we can take turns doing the tasing. You all up for it?”

“Aw yeah!” "Totally." "Yessir!" "I'm in." the rest say.

“Awesome. I’ll go first. Now just stay here.” So he walks up to the nearest house and rings the doorbell. The person living there opens the door. He looks just like any other brony the gang has seen on the street: nerdy-looking, blue jeans, pimples, big glasses, and long, unstylish hair. So Kyle quickly tases the unsuspecting brony, and he falls down. Kyle closes the door and shouts “Fly!” The rest get up and run with Kyle to the closest road crossing, and they keep running down the new street. They continue to do their ding-dong-tase-and-ditch tactic on that street, and kept on doing that for two more hours.