Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Butters enter the world of Equestria, plotting against bronies who live in an all-brony community. But everything takes a major turn when they meet one brony in particular-who's different from the rest.
This story is not easy to summarize. Look, I don't want to give out any further details about the plot other than this: it's the South Park kids-Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Butters who travel to Equestria. And everything else happens in Equestria. It doesn't get taken into the outside world. I just don't want to give out any more spoilers without you reading it. But I will tell you that this story is thrilling, hilarious, fun-reading, meaningful, controversial at points, unconventional for MLP:FIM fanfics, and motivational. Also, I cannot emphasize this enough: read the author's notes at the beginning of the first chapter, please. Without it, you would be completely lost and all like "WTF" the entire story, stop reading early, and miss the entire point of it. It's that important, like you probably would want to take a screenshot or smartphone pic of it. If you're for whatever reason a non-brony, you should only really need to read the first part.
"Bought a ticket to your concert Just to come and whip your ass Bitch I'm coming out swinging So fast it'll make your eyes spin You getting knocked the fuck out like Mike Tyson" -Marshall "Eminem" Mathers from "Just Don't Give a Fuck" off of The Slim Shady LP, 1999
It is 2:50 PM at South Park Elementary. The school day ends in ten minutes; at three. In the fourth grade classroom, Mr. Garrison uses the rest of the school day to assign a project for the class. “Alright children,” says Mr. Garrison to the class, “now before you leave school today, I would like to go over a group report over what we have covered on these past few weeks on the journey of Baggins’ Ring. This project is due after the three-day weekend on Monday. That’s in five days.”
“Aww!” screams the pissed off class as a whole.
“Five days?” Eric Cartman asks out loud. “That’s no time at all!”
“Yeah,” Jimmy Valmer answers. “We have more I…I…important things to take care of than research a fucking r…r-r…ring. We need at least a week extended on this...cr…cr…crap.”
“Gosh darn it, kids!” yells Mr. Garrison. “Don’t be slacking around. You will be making a poster on different aspects of the journey, due Monday. No excuses, I rest my case!” He pounds his fist on his desk, and the class screams “Aww!” another time.
Then Garrison assigns his students their group topics. He says, “Wendy, Craig, Clyde, and Bebe: you will be presenting on why the ring must be returned and what its powers were. Tweek, Butters, Token, and Pip: you will be working on how the ring was stolen and how it was used as a stolen item. Eric, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny: you will work on the steps on how the ring would be returned. Now, each kid will have a certain job in the project. One person will write articles and captions, one person will get pictures from the internet, another person will design the poster, and that remaining person will present the poster to the class when the time comes.”
Mr. Garrison continues to assign groups, while Stan, Eric, Kyle, and Kenny get cracking down on their project. Stan starts by assigning his pals their jobs. He says, “Okay guys. Kyle does the writing, Cartman puts together the poster, Kenny presents, and I got the pictures. We cool?”
Cartman is relieved and says, “Whew. Now I can spend the weekend playing Call of Duty while the rest of you actually put time into your crappy little ring.” He giggles.
Recognizing his laziness, Stan purposely changes positions. “Change of plans a little,” he says. “Kyle puts together the poster, while Cartman writes.”
While Kyle giggles, Cartman gets upset and points a finger at Stan. He says, “I will kill you, after your faggot Jew friend.”
Later that night, Stan is in his room, researching pictures. The time is 8 PM. He researches pictures of meetings discussing how to deal with the ring. As he scrolls through the images. He finds a picture of Boromir captioned “One does not simply walk into Wal-Mart/There is an evil there that does not sleep.” Stan looks at it and laughs out loud. He says, “I wanna look at more of these ‘One does not simply walk into Mordor’ things. That's hilarious!” So he types into the search bar: “one does not simply walk into Mordor Boromir.”
So Stan scrolls through these results and enjoys the pictures he sees. But there are three certain pictures that confuse him: “I wonder why characters from My Little Pony appeared in the search results three times. And two of them copy Boromir. Hmm...” He scrolls back to one of those pictures, clicks on it, and goes to its website. The website is a forum on the meme research site Know Your Meme, and this specific forum features “One does not simply walk into Mordor” parodies.
As Stan looks through the page, he finds users with profile pictures the same ponies he saw in the images. “Okay, what is going on with people and these stupid ponies?” Stan says frustratingly. He then scrolls up a little, and catches a list of the “Trending Memes” on the top of the screen. One of the memes on the list reads “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” Stan says, “This must be it.” and clicks on the link.
The page he clicked on is about a generation of My Little Pony he never came across: "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” The page has a video at the top, but Stan skips it and reads the article instead. He finds out from reading the article that this My Little Pony trend on the internet is popular because it is obsessed not by young girls, but by teenage and adult males. As he reads the sentence that says that, he yelps and jumps out of his chair. He gets back up in his seat and angrily yells, “What the hell are these people doing? Praising My Little Pony on the internet?!”
Stan gets an mad urge to know everything he could about these people, so he stays up until eleven researching them.
The next morning at school, Cartman, Kenny, and Kyle grab their books from their lockers. Stan walks up to them with saggy eyes and his head tilted down. He drowsily says, “Hi, guys.” They turn to him and are surprised by the way he looks. Kyle says, “Dude, is there something wrong?”
Stan tells Kyle and his friends everything he did on the computer the previous night. He tells them he looked up pictures on the internet for the Fellowship of the Ring project, and found the “One does not simply” picture, which led to the ponified versions. He then tells them how he found out who the bronies are, and how the internet grabbed a hold of MLP:FIM in the first place. Then Stan explains the memes associated with the show, including ponifying. Other things he explains are fan art, the bronies’ massive spread, their damn good creativity, and cloppers. The reactions of the other three were priceless. They had their mouths open and expressions change the whole time Stan talked.
When Stan finishes, Cartman responds first by saying, “Wow. Unbelievable. That's just one more group of stupid people for me to screw over.”
“Stan,” says Kyle, “This is a joke, right?”
“I’m afraid not,” Stan replies, “I’m scared just as much as you guys are.”
“Well what are we waiting for,” asks Cartman, “Let’s go fuck with these guys!” This gives Stan an idea. He says, “Wait a second. There is one thing I did not mention to you guys. Listen up.
“There is actually a portal to the land where the ponies exist. It comes out at a city in that land where legit bronies live. No, really-trust me on this one. It's a chain-link fence said to be accidentally mixed with obsidian and toys of the ponies I saw. It's put on the side of an interstate over in north Illinois. There's even an intercharge that goes through it and leads directly to Bronyapolis, a town inhabited by 200k people, mostly bronies. Guys, if we could just grab a ride to that highway exit in Illinois, we can go raid the place and hurt as many hoes as we want!”
Cartman says, "That. Is. PERFECT!."
Says Kyle, “That's amazing. Hey, we should all meet at lunch to discuss this all, okay?” The three nod in agreement. "Alright guys, we have a deal!" Then the boys head off to class.
At lunchtime in the cafeteria, the boys are sitting down eating and discussing plans for their raid on bronies.
“Now, we are going to torture these douchebags,” says Stan. “But we should not kill them. Anyone know of anything that will hurt them bad, but not lethally?”
“Well,” says Cartman, “They are all pussies. We can probably kick their asses with just our fists and feet.”
“But some of them are fat. If they wanted to, they could body slam us!” implies Stan.
“How about we grab some baseball bats from Sports Authority and whack them with those,” muffles Kenny.
“Again,” says Kyle, “we are too weak and young to hit them with a baseball bat and give them the pain they deserve-they are a disgrace to society.”
“True," compliments Stan. "We might as well need something that isn't a manual tool. An electronic or something.”
What Stan just said gets Cartman thinking about how he could hurt all the bronies with a simple device. Then he gets an idea. An awful idea. Cartman gets a wonderful, awful idea. He shouts out one word in exclamation: “TASER.” His friends stare at him in confusion. He says, “We could use tasers to tase these dicks. There's no strength required, we just sneak up on them and go Zap! I think it's genius.”
“He’s right,” exclaims Stan. “Not just anyone can take the shock of a fucking taser! We can just take some from the police, then we're set. Kyle and Kenny, do you agree?”
Both shout “Yeah!”
Then Kyle says, “Okay, we have our weapons. Now how the hell are we supposed to get to Illinois?”
“Well,” says Stan, “there is a bus in town that is set to leave to Wisconsin Dells at four today. And to get to the water park, you have to take the highway to Interstate 39, and head north on it. That's the highway where the portal is. Trust me, we will see the exit to Equestria after we merge onto that highway.”
“Where exactly does the bus leave?” asks Cartman.
“Oh, just outside of the police station.”
“Gold! We just ask Barbrady for some tasers, sneak onto the bus, and we hit jackpot!”
“Excellent!” says Kyle. “Let’s all head down there right after school.”
The boys arrive at the station at around 3:30. They come up to the receptionist, and Stan asks for Officer Barbrady. The receptionist responds, “Sure, in his office on the third floor.” Stan replies, “Thanks much!” and the boys rush to the elevator. When they have arrived on the third floor, they rush to Barbrady. While the gang is coming up next to the officer, Cartman, who is panting from running, points to him and says, “Officer Barbrady!”
“Oh, what do you kids want now?” answers Barbrady, frustrated upon their arrival.
Cartman says, “Officer Barbrady, may we please borrow four tasers?” in a sweet, innocent little girl voice in hopes of Barbary’s approval. However, Barbrady yells back at him, “NO! You kids are too young for tasers! They are dangerous as hell. You don’t even know!”
At this point, Cartman realizes there is nowhere to turn but to make some excuse for Barbrady. So he continues in his little girl voice, “But officer, our parents are trying to get rid of tigers that keep coming onto our yards.” Kenny adds, “Yeah. They are really pissing all our families off.”
This time, Barbrady listened and believed them. He tells them, “Well, okay kids. The tasers are down in our arsenal on the first floor.”
“Thank you very much, officer,” says Cartman in his sweet voice one last time. Then the boys head down to the arsenal and grab one taser for each kid without interference. Then as they step out of the police station, they see the bus to Wisconsin Dells filling up. So they head to the parking lot the bus is on. They sneak on by stealthily cutting in line, and they find a place in the back to sit. Luckily, they did not caught due to their relatively short heights in a crowd of people. Once they sit down, Kyle says to the rest with a sinister look, “Now, we just wait. Nobody else is in our way at this point. Next stop: Equestria.” The four kids giggle.
Then, a childish voice out of nowhere speaks to Kyle, “Hey, you fellas kickin’ some brony butt too?” That is Butters. He is sitting on the seat on the same row as the boys, but on the other side of the bus.
“Holy crap, Butters!” exclaims Kyle. “You are going to Equestria to fuck with bronies like us?”
“Yeah! I googled ‘Fellowship of the Ring’ on images, and got a bunch of stupid ponies! Then I found out the uploaders were-“
“Butters, we know. Stan told us everything already. By the way, do you know if they will kick us out if they find out about us?”
“Aw, shucks no. Since all these Asians have their eyes closed half the time, they will barely even recognize us! And because lots of them are short, especially the girls, we'll blend in right with them.”
“Well, that’s a huge relief. You know Butters, I remember these Asians. The hogged up all the lines at the ski lifts last winter.”
“Yeah. There were so many of them, we only went skiing three times. There were like, four buses of Asians and we had to fight our way to ski.”
“It’s probably that Asians travel in packs. You know, like Mexicans.”
A man with a clipboard comes on the bus, and it's Tuong Lu Kim, the owner of the Chinese restaurant City Wok. Wearing a white polo and khaki pants, he stands in front of everyone and takes attendance. Luckily for the boys, he only skims the crowd and does not look at anybody directly, not to mention his eyes are closed often. So he only notices Asians and not white kids. He doesn’t even look away from his clipboard; he only calls out names and checks them off. As he finishes, he sits down with the other trip planners in the front row. He says to the crowd, “Arright dwivew, we awe weady to go. Next stop, Wisconsin Derrs!” The driver starts the engine, and the trip to the Wisconsin Dells officially begins.
Throughout the trip, the five kids had to really hide strategically. For most of the ride, they just chill on the seats they were on when they left. When the bus would stop for food or a rest stop on the highway, the boys head out last, and take as little time as possible on their break. When they would get back to the bus, they would hide under the same back seats they've been sitting on, and finally hop on when everyone else does. Overnight, most of the bus spends the night at a hotel in a town in western Nebraska. Since a room for them was never booked, the boys spend the night in the storage compartment at the bottom of the bus. But they're woken up by the bus leaving so they had to say there until their next stop. They fight along the way blaming each other, but stop when Stan tells the group it could have been worse. He brings up the time he, Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny went to Afghanistan. They were going to return a goat there, but when they load it into the cockpit of a military plane they get locked in. What would be worse, Cartman farted and the other three had to breathe it in for the entire flight. Back to the bus, they finally get off in Omaha when everyone on the bus stops for Subway. Then the five get back on their seats as quickly as possible.
On I-39 north, just about one mile until the portal, the bus comes to a stop at a rest area. As it stops, the five stay on and hide under the seats until everyone else gets off. When these five kids get off the bus, Stan tells them, “Well guys, we are damn close. We just gotta walk two miles, and we’ll be in the promised land.”
“Walk two whole miles?!” Cartman blurts out. “I ain’t ever doing that shit in my life! Could one of you bros carry me on the way there?”
The others give him a look. Cartman continues, “Butters? Stan? You two are the most generous people I know…and I will each buy you a soda inside.”
Butters unsurprisingly volunteers, saying “I got your back, Eric!” knowing he will get a soda. But Stan refuses. He says, “No, no, no. Nobody is being lifted. That’s fucking stupid.” However, Butters tells Stan, “But then we’d have to be walking in Equestria.” This changes Stan’s mind. “Okay, fine,” he says. “But I’m not carrying Cartman. I’m the most responsible here, so I should lead ya’ll. Kenny, you carry him for me.”
Kenny muffles, but his verbal expressions say that he doesn’t want to carry Cartman’s fat ass around. So Eric convinces Kenny, “Come on Ken, do you want a soda?” Kenny says, “Aw yeah!”
“Alright, alright,” Cartman says. “I’ll go inside and get two sodas. See ya in a minute or two.” So he walks in to get sodas from the vending machine.
As Cartman walks away from the rest of the group, Tuong walks up to them. He is talking on his smartphone, saying, “Yes. Werr, this fiwst one has a brue buttoned shiwt and bronde haiw, the second weaws an owange coat and a gween huntew’s hat, the thiwd…” He is describing Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, and Kenny to the cops back over in South Park. Stan overhears what he is saying, and yells, “CARTMAN! COME BACK NOW!” Cartman turns around and jogs over to Stan. “Come on, let’s go! We’ve got no time!”
So Stan sprints toward the interchange that leads into Equestria, and the boys follow him right away. Tuong stops talking on his phone for a second and shouts at them, “Hey, you mothewfuckews! Get youw rittre asses back hewe!” Then he chases the kids, whom are sprinting across the parking lot. Because they are kids and the Tuong is in his mid-30’s, he's easily gaining up on them. As he is ten feet away from them, however, a semi-truck backs out of its parking space and hits him, sustaining serious injuries. Even though the kids get scared as shit from that, they continue to run away. They sprint until they could no longer see the rest stop. As they finally stop, they pant heavily, and fall to the ground from fatigue. Also since it’s dusk at this point, they sleep there through the moonlight.
Butters is the first to wake up; he opens his eyes at 8:10 AM. He gets up and realizes that the rest of his friends are asleep, leading him to say, “Well, I don’t wanna wake these fellas up, so I’ll just let them wake up on their own.”
But as he turns around and faces north, he sees a highway sign that reads from top to bottom, “Exit 86/Interstate 139 EAST/Bronyapolis/EXIT ONLY” An exit ramp leading into the fence lies below the sign. As soon as Butters sees this, he yells, “Fellas! Fellas!” He wakes everyone else up. Kyle, who’s pissed that he awoke, asks Butters, “Butters, what the hell is it?”
He answers, “Look! We’re here!” He points to the Bronyapolis exit sign.
Kyle turns around in that direction, and instantly screams “Oh my God! We’ve made it! Wake up everybody, vamanos!” The rest of the gang gets up from the ground, and all stare at the exit in chill excitement. Then Kyle leads them up the side of the exit ramp, and where meets the fence. They stare at the fence for a few seconds. Then Stan says to the gang, “Boys, this is it. This is that fence I told you about.”
“So,” says Cartman, “is this fence legit?” He puts his arm through the fence to make sure. When he puts his arm through, it causes ripples in the fence as if he put his arn in water. He also doesn't see that part of his arm on the other side. “Well, I’d be damned if it wasn’t,” he says. So the boys pmoceed to walk through the fence and into the land known as Equestria.
Now, here is the scene of Equestria the boys first see: Below them is the exit ramp they came on, which forms with other lanes to make Interstate 139. (Once Bronyapolis was established, the US Government purchased the land it would be on. And its state is still Illinois.) The exit lanes come out of a mountain. To their right are some suburban neighborhoods. Farther in the distance, and to the left of the suburbs, were apartments and office complexes, meaning downtown Bronyapolis. To the left of the boys is the Everfree Forest. In front of them appeared more stretches of houses and some businesses. A dirt road and railroad both run through the entire town. These are the routes to other Equestria cities, since ponies don’t drive.
It is also important to see that Equestria is to be seen by the SPC readers in the MLP: FiM animation, not in the South Park animation or a real life perspective. However, the humans, what they wear, and the things they are touching remain in South Park animation.
Now, the boys are quite fascinated by their first scene of the landscape, as well by the MLP animation it brings. “How come a palace of pussies looks so much more cooler than our shitty town?” asks Kyle.
“The residents are gay,” says Kenny.
“Yeah, yeah,” says Kyle. “It always seems to be the homosexuals that are better than straights at art. I mean, Freddie Mercury for Christ’s sake.”
“Ayo!” interrupts Cartman. “Quit your chattin’ and let’s get crackin’. I’m starving.”
“Okay okay, whatever you say,” says Kyle. So they continue down the roadside of I-139.
A few minutes later, Stan’s stomach growls. “I actually agree with Cartman,” he says. “Let’s get food before we do anything else.”
“Seriously!” blurts Cartman. “I haven’t had anything to eat since some beef jerky in Des Moines.”
So soon the boys get off the highway at an exit to Strong Avenue, a major road where several businesses and attractions are. As they walk down Strong, they see some bronies and some ponies on the sidewalk and in buildings. However, all of them have a bracelet on them with a small button. When the brony presses the button, he turns into his own unique pony, and vice versa.
Stan looks at these people and ponies and asks, “Do you know what I realized?”
“What is it?” Butters replies.
“I gotta feeling about this city. Almost every guy I’ve seen is nerd that looks like either Michael Moore, a hipster, or something inbetween.”
“Eww! Those people freak me out. And their clothes-they all wear blue jeans and glasses. I hate glasses and jeans.”
While Stan and Butters talk, Cartman spots a McDonald’s that the rest just seem to miss. He runs right to it. “Come on guys!” he says to the rest. They look at him with a confused look, since Cartman is excited and the rest have no idea why. Anyway, Cartman goes into the crowded McDonald’s and the others, now salivating, follow. So then they just go order their food and sit down somewhere.
When all five boys sit down, Cartman whispers to Butters, “Hey. You and I go get the food. As we leave, I’ll tase the first person in line. Then we can tase whoever we want. By then, this place would go bananas.”
“But Cartman…” asks Butters.
“What is it?”
“I don’t have a taser. I have no idea how all you fellas got one and I-" Cartman covers Butters’ mouth. “I got this, boy,” he says. “Kenny?”
“Yeah?”
“Butters doesn’t have a taser and he needs one. Can he borrow yours for a second?”
“Oh, sure.” Kenny pulls out his taser and tosses it to Butters.
“Order number 1-5-5 for Eric is ready,” says an employee over the PA. Cartman tells Butters, “Come on, Butters. Now is our chance!” The two get up out of their seats to the cashier. They grab the food. As soon as Cartman turns around, he stops. Silently but swiftly he takes out his taser, and turns it on. He immediately tases the first brony in line, who faints down to the floor from pain. The customers watching this react with much shock and fear. They run around the restaurant and scream.
Butters starts tasing other bronies, while Cartman runs back to the others through the horde. He tells them, “Guys, let’s get to the tasing! Hahaha!” They laugh with him a little, and go around tasing most of the brony customers still freaking out. Once all the bronies have either fainted or fled the restaurant, Kenny notices one of the McDonald’s employees calling 911. He points it out to the others, and then they all run out of McDonald’s with their food down Strong Ave. They flee the scene before authorities arrive, and find a quiet place in one of the suburban areas to be safe.
They chill on a sidewalk curb, and eat their food while talk about the tasing. They're saying how awesome they thought it was, and laugh about it some. When they finish, Kyle says, “Alright guys, listen up. Here’s part two of this plan: So I will go up to one of these houses, and ring the doorbell. When the nerd answers, I will tase him right away. The rest of you will just chill on the sidewalk. When I say ‘Fly,’ we will run off to the end of the road, and walk to a house on another street to repeat the process. Don’t fret, we can take turns doing the tasing. You all up for it?”
“Aw yeah!” "Totally." "Yessir!" "I'm in." the rest say.
“Awesome. I’ll go first. Now just stay here.” So he walks up to the nearest house and rings the doorbell. The person living there opens the door. He looks just like any other brony the gang has seen on the street: nerdy-looking, blue jeans, pimples, big glasses, and long, unstylish hair. So Kyle quickly tases the unsuspecting brony, and he falls down. Kyle closes the door and shouts “Fly!” The rest get up and run with Kyle to the closest road crossing, and they keep running down the new street. They continue to do their ding-dong-tase-and-ditch tactic on that street, and kept on doing that for two more hours.
"Know that motherfucker-well, what you gonna do now? Whatever I want to do, gosh! It's cool now Know I'm gonna do-AHHH-it's the new now Think you motherfuckers really really need to cool out" -Kanye West from "Monster" off of My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, 2010
After two hours of tasing bronies, the five boys find themselves in the rich neighborhood of Bel-Mare. Cartman seems happy to be in the neighborhood because he says, “Aw yeah! Now we can tase the most famous people in Bronyapolis!”
Stan searches for the house that is richest in his mind. When he finds that house, he tells the rest, “Guys! Let’s go to that one, over there. He seems like the richest guy here.” He points to my house on a hill and leads the others over there.
As they walk to my door, Kenny asks Stan, “What makes you think THAT house is the richest of them all?” Stan tells him, “Well first of all, the bitch has a freaking sports field with a soccer net, field goal, and giant net behind it. Second, his fence is as tall as Lebron James. Plus his garage is HUGE, which means he inevitably has multiple sweet rides.”
The boys approach to the gate to my garage. Stan hesitates in front of it, which is for some reason left open, and says, “Now you all know how only one person goes up to the door? We should all go. Because the one guy who tases will have to run this long distance and back himself.” So Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters all go through the gate and arrive at my front door.
My house is only two floors tall, but is indeed huge. The garage lies to the right of the boys and is large enough to fit four cars. Above the garage door is a basketball hoop, where I, well, shoot hoops. The house is a large cobblestone house with some glass walls and a silver roof. On the boys’ left is the field I use with friends or for personal use. It also has a huge net set up behind it, so I never lose the balls into my backyard, A.K.A. Everfree Forest. There's also a pool and home gym on the roof.
Anyway, the boys arrive at my front door and Butters rings the doorbell. The others pull out their tasers ready to go after me. I open the door, but didn't get tased when they first saw me. The five boys stand and stare at me in shock, mainly because I look and dress so much more different and appealing than most bronies in town. I have on no glasses, but I do have headwear, a New York Knicks snapback cap. I am also wearing an unbuttoned purple dress shirt from Calvin Klein, black Christian Dior pants, two gold chains: one from Gucci that's just links and another that has the word "KING" filled with diamonds hanging from it, and silver Rolex wristwatch along with my pony transformation wristband. I''ve also got a fat Swisher Sweet in my hand. Instead of having messed up hair, it’s simply a black crew cut. In addition to clothing, I have my arm around a girl in a bath robe whom I have recently had sex with, holding a bottle of Ciroc Premium. I'm known for my promiscuity.(That is, fucking human girls as a person and girl ponies as a pony.) The boys can also clearly hear a song from my amps inside, which is Whatever You Like by T.I. Indeed, I am one of the more socially successful bronies in town. And I’m not even old enough to legally drink.
I look down at the boys and tell them, “Whatsup?”
They stay in shock. I get a first response from Cartman, who says, “Dude…are you the brony at this house?”
“Well heheh,” I reply, “Why wouldn’t I be? Why else would I live here? Hahahahah!”
Cartman orders to the other boys, "Everybody...please put away your tasers.” The four kids with tasers turn them off and slowly slip them into their pockets.
Then Butters looks at me and says, “Sir, we all really like you. And we’re sorry for threatening to tase you-”
“Butters!” angrily yells Cartman. “God damn you!”
I get confused, then suspicious as to why Butters had said that. I tell them, “What the?...Waiiit a second. Are you five little douches trying to TASE ME?! What the hell is going through yo damn minds, you little cockroaches? You came all the way to Illinois from your homes JUST so you can tase people here? WHY?!”
Stan exclaims, “Well I don’t know about you, but we’re going around tasing various people here-basically so they'll stop obsessing over a fucking little girls’ show!”
“Aw man! You wanna play rough, you piece of shit?” I yell back.
“Are you going to do anything to us, sir?” asks Butters timidly.
“No, but I know two people who might." I pull out two loaded 9mm revolvers on them. "Say hello to my little friends: two problem solvers, and they're both named Revolver!” That turns the boys from aggressive to scared, and back off my doorstep thinking I’ll shoot them. Kenny repeatedly says “No!” Kyle yells “Please, we’re just kids!” Butters cries.
However, Cartman gets frustrated instead of scared. He then asks me, “Come on, man. Can’t you just take it sleazy?” That makes me laugh. His last three words he had just said are from Workaholics, one of my favorite shows up there with MLP. “Yo redcoat,” I say to get Eric’s attention.
“Yeah?” he answers.
“You watch Workaholics?”
“Hell yeah I watch Workaholics! That's the funniest show ever.”
The other four take note of our conversation and start to join in. We then have a good, five minute discussion about the show. Then Stan says, “Well man, it’s been nice knowing ya. But we got to get going.”
I laugh and say, “No way you kids can get back home without anywhere to sleep. It’s not like you can afford a hotel room without parents’ money ahahahaha! So it’s best you come in and stay here for a while. Don't want to leave you kids sleeping on the damn street.”
“I mean,” says Kyle, “Since you seem like the coolest brony ever…”
“Oh thanks, man.”
“And you’re rich…do you have any extra beds?”
“Oh sure. I got six guest beds in my house upstairs.”
They talk it over, and all agree to stay at my house for a while. My slut asks me in a sassy manner, “Uh! Do we really need to let these losers stay with us?”
I answer, “Of course, Jessica-just chill out for a second. Come right in bros. You all look like you badly need to rest.” So they all enter my house and sit down in my living room.
I enter the living room and catch Cartman fucking with my Netflix. I ask him, “Hey, whatcha you doing on my Netflix?”
“I’m trying to find Workaholics,” he says.
“Okay, I’m fine with that.”
“Pete, why did you let these these losers in here,” says Jessica, “especially when they think they can watch adult shit like that. I’m leaving.” She goes back to my room, gets dressed, and then heads out the door. Just before she leaves my sight, I tell her, “Hey, Imma call you sometime today. Alright?”
“Sure, whatever. Hey, but thanks for the good time sexy!” she replies.
"Ay, ya welcome, girl," I say. She leaves the house to call a cab, and I close the door then sit back down with the boys. Right as I sit down, Stan says to me, “So you’re a pimp. And barely 20. And you’re rich. Sporty, too. And behind all that, you’re somehow a…brony.”
“That’s right,” I say.
“How is there even a person like you? I feel like you’re a complete phony.”
“Well, I guess I should say my job is a music producer in the rap industry. So I'm homies with lots of big names out there, no lie. So of course I'm loaded with that cash, those clothes, the women, and a busy schedule when I'm not chillin here at the crib.
“Wait, you've got to be kidding. That's awesome! How can you even keep up with that life?”
“Well unlike most bros my age, I know what I want to do in life. That is-make dope music, get lots of money, go out a lot, and travel the world. I'm so lucky to be here-for real, but I've just been smarter about life and know what I want to do with the one life I've got. So I gotta make the most of it-can't be more greatful for doing that now.”
“Wow, that’s unbelievable man. Now tell me-why you make sick beats, pick up chicks, look fly, like to blast hip-hop, are the sporty kind of kid, and happen to like…ponies?”
“Well, being a huge brony used to be my guilty pleasure-but I go after what I want in life, so I bought a place here after getting rich. I like to listen to those kinds of guys and watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic for two different reasons. Sure we like these ponies for how cute and happy they are, but we don’t associate them with sunshine, flowers, hearts, and shit. Also, the show’s main producer, Lauren Faust, originally made the animation for not only little girls, but also for hopes of mature audiences. That means these episodes actually have plotlines that aren't only real, but appeal to us older viewers. What's also awesome is that all the ponies have distinct personalities we can relate to in some way, shape or form. Look bro, we don’t watch this show because we are all a bunch of-well some actually are, but…pussies, gays and furries. There are much better and more legit reasons why than those generic, ignorant, shitty suggestions.”
The five boys like what I'm saying a lot, and are all amused by my rich and famous lifestyle and what the bronies actually find appealing in MLP. So they slightly applause me for that out of thanks and gratitude.
“My God, you're even more awesome,” says Kyle, “By the way, I'm just saying it’s funny how you’re like the only cool guy in a land full of nerds.”
I laugh and say, “Yeah, I know. I mean, I got some respect for them, but there's just no way I can hang out with them. I really don’t mind living alone much, as long as things are just chill. And since I ball hard and get so much pussy, I’m never really alone anyway. I even got a girlfriend, but don't wanna get into that now.”
"Was it that girl that just left?" asks Cartman.
"Nah, she's no hoe. Cause I hang out with her when I'm not travelling somewhere for parties or studio recording."
“So you often go clubbing?” Kyle asks.
“Hell yeah. I go to places all across the country, and even the world. I mean, if there was a club here in B-Polis, it would be so nerdy. All the booze, walls, music, etc. would be themed of anything most nerds worship-Pokémon, anime, Sci-Fi, video games, all that kind of stuff man. Not that I don’t like or anything, I'm just tired of all that getting shoved in my face all the time. It’s like you expect every last person to like it as much as you do. Chill out.”
“Well anyway,” says Stan, “I have to owe you one big apology, man. I was searching pictures for a project, and I found out about your people through a couple of them, and reacted like most people would when they first find out about you. So I and my friends got the idea to sneak up on a bus, come here and tase your neighbors because they like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Now you showed us such a bright side of yourselves. I feel like…a complete dumbass.”
“Oh, it’s all fine,” I reply. “Of course not everyone is fond of us, big deal. Sometimes you just gotta accept the hate. But enough of that, let’s just chill and watch some Workaholics.” I pick up the remote, and browse through some episodes to watch.
After a couple episodes, I get up and tell the kids, “Well I don't wanna turn this day into a Netflix marathon. How about I take you to Ponyville and meet my best friends over here, and stars of FIM-the Mane Six.”
“No way!” Cartman blurts out. "What are you even talking about?" He has been high for quite a while because while we were watching Workaholics, he stole from my weed stash without my knowledge.
"Cartman," says Stan, "those were the main characters I told you about. Don't you remember?"
"No, I don't remember!" Cartman continues. "That was weeks ago."
"Oh my God, it was just two days ago! It was that long talk I gave before class."
"Let me handle this," I tell Stan. I trick Cartman into going by telling him, “Cartman, I’ll get you some Taco Bell if you decide to go.”
“Okay fine, I’ll take it,” says Cartman. This gets the others to say they would go with me. Then I say, “Alright then, everybody hop into one of my cars.”
The five smile knowing they'll be checking out my garage. I put on a pair of Jordans, and open the door in the living room leading to the garage. I head in and the boys run right behind me. I have four cars: Audi R8 convertible, Mercedes E450, Ford Super Duty, and Cadillac Escalade. All cars also have tinted windows and custom rims.
"See, I told you guys," says Stan. "This guy has some awesome cars."
"I know," Kyle replies, "too bad we could prolly only ride in the Cadillac. I wanna take a joyride in his Audi."
"Yeah, me too," Kenny muffles. "That would be the best."
"Your friend's right," I tell the boys. "Everybody hop in the Caddie." So we all get in the SUV and drive myself and these kids down to a local train station. Then we take the train to Ponyville. As we get off, half the passengers run out and cheer. Kyle asks me, “Dude, why are all these people on ecstasy?”
I reply, “Well, Ponyville is the town where MLP takes place, so fans are always pretty excited to be here.”
Cartman looks around Ponyville and says, “This place sucks titties. It’s mostly old shit and there’s no Taco Bell! What’s a town without that?”
I say to him, “Well haha, I have to agree, but it’s much more active than it looks like to you. Besides, all the main characters live here.”
“Wait a second,” says Stan. “We never exchanged names. What's yours?”
“Me? Call me Peter LeShay...or Peter, Pete, LeShay, what the hell ever.”
“Well I’m Stan.”
“I’m Kyle.”
“Wha? Oh, I’m Eric. But everyone calls me Cartman. I don’t know why.”
“Howdy! My name’s Butters!”
“And I’m Kenny.”
“Excuse me?” I reply. “I can’t hear you because your big-ass hoodie covers your face, which is weird…”
“Kenny.”
“Wha?”
“KENNY.”
“One more time.”
He waves his arms in the air and says, “Mother fucking KENNY, you BITCH!”
Stan finally tells me, “His name’s Kenny.”
“Man, thank you. Now Kenny, why didn’t you just put your hood down?”
“He told us it’s a secret that nobody except him should know.”
“Okaaaaay…Anyway Eric, what color is SpongeBob?” I ask this question only so if I can see if he’s still high from the weed he stole from me.
“Uh...yellow,” he replies. Then he looks around the town and tells me, “Dude Peter, fuck this place, let’s go get food.”
“Dammit,” I say. “Just behave yourself okay? This place is pretty innocent so don’t do anything fucking stupid.”
Then Butters says, “Ya know what, Cartman’s right. This town is so girly and-”
I put my mouth over Butters’ mouth and tell him, “Okay yeah this town may seem like its lame, but tons of shit has happened here. I told you, the plots in Friendship is Magic are much more better than the MLP versions of the past. Now calm down while I just show you around town and let you meet the awesome main characters.”
“Are they any cool?” asks Butters.
“Yeah they all do pretty sweet stuff,” I reply. “Now come on, let’s go.” I take the boys through the streets, but they remain unimpressed. Then Applejack spots me while she’s at her apple stand. She shouts, “Hey Pete! Over here!” I turn around and move towards her, and say, “Whatsup, AJ?”
“Howdy, rider,” she replies.
“So how’s business going today?” I ask.
“Ah, same as usual. Wait-you got some brothers with you?”
“They aren’t my brothers haha. But they’re my new friends.”
“Yee-haw, count me in with your new friends. Besides, my brother’s gonna replace me in a few minutes, so I’ll come with you anyway if you’re cool with it.”
“Oh yeah, we’re just meeting everyone else. Let’s go.” Applejack and I walk back to the boys standing to the side. We keep on walking, and Stan asks Applejack, “So, what do you do that’s awesome?”
“Hey little orchard, my name’s Applejack. I run a family apple business that’s been in existence ever since the founding of Ponyville.”
“Is it any cool of a business?”
“Well my grandmother actually founded this town, so yeah. We’re awesome.”
“Now that’s actually pretty cool.”
“Yep…what they hay are these rabbits doing here?” Some rabbits were hopping toward Applejack and the boys and grabbing on to them. I turn stop to turn around, and get a weird facial expression from the rabbits. Then I see Fluttershy running towards us in the distance panting. I yell out to her, “Fluttershy! What’s going on?”
She comes up to us and tries to regroup the rabbits. Kyle turns to her and says, “Are all these rabbits yours?”
“Oh, yes yes,” Fluttershy responds. “I am so sorry-I just can’t keep them under control today.” Then she regroups the rabbits, then comes up to me with them and says, “Hello Peter, I am so very sorry. These bunnies are just crazy today-“
“Fluttershy,” I say, “it’s all fine. I honestly thought it was funny.”
“Oh, good. Hey, who are your cute little friends over here?”
“Oh, they’re just some kids that came to my house and needed a place to stay.” She goes over to look at Kenny and says, “Aw, this one is cute with his orange thing.” She rubs her hoof on Kenny’s hood. The boys and I stare at her and say, “Ya know, Fluttershy, let’s just find the rest of the girls.” So we keep on walking.
Soon I stop in front of Rarity’s hose. I say to everyone, “Okay guys, now Imma talk this next one alone, so please stay out here.”
They stay put, and I go up to the door of Rarity’s house and ring her doorbell. Rarity opens the door, sees me, and gasps out of happiness. She says, “Petey! Hello!” and we hug each other.
“Ah, how’s my favorite pony doing?” I ask.
“Splendid, my darling! Come right inside!” Then she leads me into her house. When we get inside, I hand her back a fedora and say, “Here’s the fedora you asked me to model for in Fillydelphia last month.”
“It’s about time. Why haven’t you given it back sooner?”
“It’s just so awesome-I couldn’t get it off my head!”
Rarity chuckles. “I’d probably do the same.” She walks over to one of her pony mannequins; this one is wearing a white blazer decorated in gems. She points to it and tells me, “I just want you to wear this again.”
“You frontin? That’s the third time I’ve worn it in a month.”
“Well this next show in Manehattan is a bit casual, so I’d just let you wear my favorite jacket.”
“Okay I’m cool with that. And I really like it a lot to-“
“Well why didn’t you say so, sweetie? It’s yours.” She hands the blazer over to me. I change into pony form to put it on, and then change back into human form. I say, “Thank you so much, Rarity. It’s no secret your Element is generosity.”
“Oh, you’re quite welcome.” Then she looks out the open doorway and notices Applejack, Fluttersy with her rabbits, and the boys. She asks me, “Hey, isn’t that your crew out there?”
“It sure is .”
“You’ve got to include me in this, you know.” She waves at Fluttershy and AJ.
“Of course I’ll include you. Come on, leggo.” We walk towards the gang, where Rarity talks to AJ and Fluttershy, and the boys stare at my blazer. Says Stan, “Holy crap dude, you look like Michael Jackson in that thing.”
“I know,” I tell him. “Oh and that white pony, Rarity-is my girlfriend. She designs high-end fashion, and has flawless beauty. Sometimes I model for her designs, that's why you'd see me in somethings like this.”
“But she doesn't seem like any hot celebrity,” says Kenny as we start walking again.
“Exactly. Most celebrities aren't really beautiful-its mostly just marketing tools by the big businesses. Since Rarity’s the most attractive pony on the inside as well as the outside, I legit care for her.”
“Man I wish I was a pony,” says Cartman. “Then I could really fuck the white one!”
The boys and I give him an angry look. “What?” he says. “You guys know how sexy she is. Seriously, don’t be gay!”
“You’re still high,” I frustratingly say to him. “How much of that shit did you smoke?”
“Ahh…I guess most of those two bags.” I face palm.
Later we meet up Twilight Sparkle, who sits down on a bench reading A Game of Thrones. I look at the book in surprise and ask her, “Twilight? You’re really reading that in public?”
“Oh, Peter,” she says and takes a sigh of relief. “Thank Celestia you’ve come. Yeah…this book has some freaky things in it. I was just reading this part where this lord gets beheaded in front of his daughters by some ruthless tyrant!”
I laugh and reply, “Well why you bought it in the first place?”
“I hear bronies talk about the show all the time, and most of them have read the book. I didn’t know much though. Now I don’t even care if-”
Cartman rips off a page of the book and rolls up weed in it. Everyone stares. “Good,” says Twilight. “I don’t even care if somebody rips off pages in it. Fuck this; I want to hang with you guys.” She throws it on the ground and proceeds to talk to Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy. Then I tell Cartman, “Kid, you were lucky. But seriously, you don’t just rip out somebody’s book pages and make them rolling papers.”
“Look Pete,” he says, “I don’t give a fuck about anything in this city. All I want is some good food, okay?”
I roll my eyes and say, “Jesus kid, control yourself. Now I've been with some completely stoned out people before hahaha, but nobody would dare to get as high as you. That worries me.” Then we keep on walking through town, just after Cartman picks up the book.
In the middle of the road, Pinkie Pie looks down at us from a rooftop a bit away. When she spots us, she gets excited and says, “Oh my goodness, is that my boy Pete? With my friends? And new ones? Oh, yes! I gotta see them!” She hops along the rooftops towards us, and when she lands in the middle of the group, she scares away Fluttershy’s bunnies, as they run off in multiple directions. Fluttershy attempts to call them back, but gives up and says, “Oh, it’s no use. Pinkie, why did you have to scare them all away?”
“Hiya Fluttershy!” inadvertently says Pinkie. “Your bunnies were so cute. Why the hell did they have to run away when I came along? I hope they don’t hate me.”
“You scared them away, dumbass,” Applejack tells her. “Do you not realize the consequences of jumping in front of innocent creatures and make Fluttershy upset again?”
“Oooooooooooh…” says Pinkie. “Oops, my bad. Hahahahaha!” Then she runs to me like the Flash would, puts her front arm around me and says to my face, “Oh how are you doing, Mr. studly-pants? You got some new friends with you? Cause I’d love to meet them!”
“Uh,” I say timidly, “Yeah, these guys are awesome. You should really say hi to them.” So Pinkie rushes over to the boys and says to them, “Hi little kids, my name’s Pinkie Pie, and I’m your new friend. What can I do to make you smile?” Butters and Kenny are frightened by Pinkie until she had just said that, so they look at each other and make arm gestures that indicate they’re thinking “whatever.” But Cartman asks first and tells Pinkie, “Can you kill every Jew you see?” Kyle slaps Cartman in the face and yells, “Don’t!”
Kenny asks her, “Can you get me some big-ass titties?” Pinkie Pie laughs at Cartman’s and Kenny’s questions and says, “Silly gooses. I would only give such grown-up stuff to your boy, Pete.” I turn back and smile. She replies with a bigger, creepier smile, and then proceeds to talk with the other ponies in the group.
Further up the road, Spike spits fire into the sky. He runs and pants while holding a plastic bag out in front of him. A burnt bird drops and lands a few inches away from the bag, and he quickly picks it up and puts it in the bag. Rainbow Dash walks towards Spike and says, “Wow, Spike. You didn’t miss one spit. You’re the most accurate fire-spitter I’ve seen!”
“I know,” Spike says. “Thanks, Rainbow!”
“No competitor in the Amateur Fire-Spitting Contest will stand against you.”
“Just like no guy stands against your agility.”
“Right, Spike. And, I got my eyes on one certain guy.” Rainbow carries Spike into the air, and points to me in the distance. “Lovely Pete,” she continues.
“Wait…isn’t he that one good-looking brony?”
“Yes, he is the one.” Rainbow puts a black belt around her neck. “The lucky bastard I’m finna have a good play date with,” she says seductively, as she takes out a whip and waves it in the air twice.
“But Rainbow,” says Spike, “don't you think you should treat him nicer that cracks and whips?”
Rainbow replies “Chill your dragon balls. I know how to deal with handsome ponies, and he's the most handsome brony a mare could possibly want.”
“Yeah I know that, but-“
“And that makes him the best. Plus, since I’m still no Wonderbolt, don’t I deserve the best for the time being?”
“Well of course! I mean you do, but-“
“You know what, Spike? Lesson’s over for today. Sorry little dude, but I got plans.” She flies over to the beauty spa and enters it, heading into the store there. The cashier, Aloe, sees Rainbow and says excitedly, “Holy crap! Is that the one and only Rainbow Dash? OMG. What can I do for you?”
“Don’t ask any questions,” Rainbow replies in a sinister manner. “I’m just getting ready for some action.” She heads over to the perfume counter and picks up a fragrance kept in a black glass container. Aloe is in shock at this point because the fragrance Rainbow had just picked up is known throughout Equestria as a popular perfume used for BDSM.
Rainbow brings the perfume right to the counter and Aloe, whom is nervous, says “Uh…is that all you’re getting?”
“Certainly is,” Rainbow boldly says. Then she makes the purchase awkwardly as Aloe has a WTF look on her face. As Rainbow turns around, she notices me through the door window walking with the boys and other five members of the Mane Six. She stares at me and says in a slow, sinister manner, “I am ready when you are, Pete. Come to me, and Imma make you my bitch.” Aloe faints from just witnessing Rainbow, and Rainbow laughs at that. Then she exits the spa.
The eleven of us finally stop walking and arrive at the park to calm down. Then the ponies and I sit down on a hill and talk for a little bit. Then out of nowhere, Spike flies down towards us. Me and the ponies react like “Holy crap!” As Spike nears us, Twilight catches him with her magic and slowly brings him down. She asks him, “Spike? What the hell is going on?”
Spike says, “Uh…” and rolls his eyes. “Me and-”
Rainbow Dash lands down near us while laughing. “We saw you guys walking down near the salon, so we’d figure we’d visit you all,” she says.
Twilight face hoofs and says, “But did you two really think launching each other at us is the best way to say ‘hi’ to us?”
“Oh, shut up!” replies Rainbow. “Hahahaha! How big of a deal is it?”
“How big of a deal is it?” Twilight sarcastically asks. “That was some complete bullshit! It’s like when you zapped me during that one Nightmare Night Festival.”
"Guys," says Fluttershy. But she's too quiet for Rainbow and Spike to hear. So she repeats it a couple times, but is still to quiet for them.
Rainbow says, “That was hilarious!” Spike says in agreement, “Yeah, Twilight. What’s not to hate about good humor?” He starts to laugh as well.
I notice Fluttershy trying to get their attention, and realize she's not doing enough. So I tell the two, “Can both of you please shut up? You know you’re being complete idiots right now.” After I say that, I look around and realize the kids are gone. I look around more, but couldn’t find them at all. I say, “Hey, you girls seen my friends anywhere?”
Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny are coming out of the hedge maze surrounded by stone statues. They are all mad because they couldn’t find its exit.
“Damn you Cartman,” says Kyle, “You said there would be an exit to this maze.”
“There is,” Cartman replies. “They probably just cut it down.” He takes another hit of his joint.
Then he stops in front of the statue of Discord and says in shock, “Whoa, nelly. This here is one big, bad monster.”
The other four kids look up at it with great interest. “Oh Jesus,” says Butters, “it’s so angry at me!” He starts to shake because the statue is looking right at him.
“Now, now Butters,” says Stan. “It’s just a lizard.”
“I know Stan, but it’s so scary!” Butters starts to cry. Then he hugs Stan for sympathy, who hugs him back.
“Actually,” Cartman says who’s sitting down with his back against the statue. “This thing…is actually Satan.”
Stan grows angry and replies, “Aw, you’re such a piece of crap, Eric!”
“Yes it iiiissss!” screams Butters, who continues to cry. “He’s the only non-pony and he’s the only angry one!”
“It’s sadly true,” says Cartman. “It’s all on Wikipedia.” He takes another hit.
“No way,” Kyle argues. “It’s just a dragon statue. What’s there to really be-”
“Dragon?” Stan exclaims. “I thought you guys would agree it’s a damn lizard.”
“No way Stan,” Kenny says. “It’s definitely a snake!”
Kyle yells back, “Kenny, are you retarded? There’s no way it’s a snake!” He, Kenny, Butters, and Stan continue to argue over which animal Discord is. At the same time, us eight walk up to the maze talking, and then I catch the boys fighting in front of the Discord statue. I jump back a little and exclaim, “Oh shit! We’re done!”
“What’s the matter, Pete?” asks Pinkie Pie.
Pieces of stone chip off Discord’s statue, while white light rays shoot out of the holes in it. The five kids stop their argument and stare at the breaking statue in complete disbelief. Cartman runs to get behind Stan. Soon, all the pieces come off as a ball of white light appears where the statue had just fallen apart. The boys' argument in front of the statue caused it to break open. My group runs into some nearby woods, close enough to see what is happening with the Discord statue. We hide behind trees and bushes, and watch all the action in peril.
"Imma tell you twice cause it's Gucci two times Fuck your clique and fuck your wife If you got drama nigga, you can meet me outside Get your head bust open for your old man's pride" -Radric "Gucci Mane" Davis from "Mouth Full of Gold" off of Return of Mr. Zone 6, 2011
The ball of white light disappears, making Discord visible, alive and well. He first feels frustration, as he says, “Grrr. Who would be despicable enough to awaken me from my dream? I was so close to killing Celestia…” He looks around, but I, Spike, and the ponies hid in time so he doesn’t see us. He saw the kids, however. He appears confused at first sight because he had never seen humans before. He asks them, “You. Yes, you five.” From their facial expressions and insides, all my boys look scared as fuck.
“Ah, hello sir?” asks Kyle.
“Greetings, foreigner. Allow me to introduce myself. I am the one and only, Discord. The bringer of evil. The darkness in a light. The party douchebag. The cause of melancholy and rage. The master of chaos. And you all are…”
“Well, I’m Kyle.”
“I’m Stan.”
“I’m Butters.”
“I’m Kenny.”
“And I am Sir Derpingham III,” says Cartman, who removes his hat and bows in front of Discord.
“Ah, good. You creatures do communicate with an understandable dialect.” They boys look at each other as they’re all thinking “WTF is up with this guy?” “Now, Sir Derpingham,” Discord continues, “you seem to be the head of this parade. Are you?”
“Indeed, I am,” Cartman says.
“Very well then. So do you know if any of your tribesmen here argued in front of my statue?”
At this time, the Mane Six, Spike, and I are watching Discord and the kids talk. We’re so nervous, we drench in sweat.
“Indeed,” Cartman says. “These four idiots were fighting to see who would take a hit of my joint first.”
“Your what?” asks Discord.
“This thing, right here.” He holds up the joint for Discord to see. Discord looks down at and examines it. He says, “What is this thing, and how does it work?”
“You light up the end,” explains Cartman, “then you inhale from the other end, and exhale. Then you get the best feeling in the world. It’s so relaxing…”
“Well that seems nice, Sir Derpingham, but I have no time to relax right now. I need to take your naughty friends to play an impossible game.”
“Ha! Yeah, give them shit!” Stan, Butters, Kyle, and Kenny get scared as hell.
“Oh I will, Sir. As for the rest of you, please. Follow me.” Discord walks to the start of the maze, and the boys follow him. He stops in front of the start, which is where the boys start. “Now if you four could please align yourselves arms-length apart?” So the boys nervously do that. Discord continues, “Alright, creatures.”
“We’re humans!” interrupts Butters.
“Okay, human. That’s what you’re called. Very well, then. Ahem. I have for you four a challenge. Each of you are to find these gems.” He shows four gems out so the boys could see. “Stan, you find the purple gem. Butters, go find the orange gem. Kyle finds the red gem, which leaves Kenny to find the green gem.” He throws the gems out into random places. “My only other two rules are, no lights are allowed to be used. And every human……FOR HIMSELF! Hahahahahaha!” As he laughs, Discord Summons a thunderstorm and three extra hedges that separate the four kids.
Back where I rest at, Pinkie Pie rushes over to me and says, “Oh shit! He’s doing to your friends what he did to us!” Then she shrieks and faints.
Back at the maze, Discord flees away to somewhere behind the maze. Then Butters says, “Oh hamburgers! If I don’t come out alive, please-”
“Butters,” implies Stan, “This challenge doesn’t seem hard at all. If that dude really thinks he’s that badass, he does not know how to be a real villain. Now come on, there’s nothing to worry about. Let’s go, people.” The four start their individual searches for their gems.
Kyle finds his gem right beside a pond. As he picks it up, Discord takes a dive into the pond. He returns as a reflection in the lake, but this time, dressed as a Mormon missionary. He has on a white shirt, black tie, carrying a book and all. Kyle looks at “Elder” Discord and says, “Now I did not know you were a Mormon. Weird.”
“Oh yes, I am,” Discord says. “Now, how much commitment do you put into your religion?”
“Uh, very little. I wish I could convert to another religion. Preferably Christian.”
“Good. Now there are a lot of Mormons in your state of Colorado, I suppose. It’s spreading pretty quickly up there.” Discord then says in a condescending manner, “I could tell you why the Mormons kick ass, and I could go on for hours.”
That last sentence Discord had just said starts to cast a spell on Kyle. It gets his eyes to swirl for a short time, as if he was being hypnotized. He also turns gray. Then he says to himself, “This is probably the coolest religion ever. Sign me up, Elder Discord!”
“As you wish,” Discord replies. He comes out of the pond and dresses Kyle up in a missionary uniform, with a nametag reading from top to bottom "Elder Broflovski/The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.” He is also given a backpack and The Book of Mormon. “All your instructions start on the first page of the book,” continues Discord. “And happy travels.”
“God bless you, Elder Discord,” Kyle replies, as he leaves for Ponyville to convert, and reads through The Book of Mormon.
Kenny finds his gem on the ground between a naked stripper’s legs. She was just twerking it for Kenny. He stares at the ass for a while, happy and aroused, then she walks backwards and gives him a lapdance. However, when she gets up, turns around and dances facing Kenny, he screams and runs around in circles horrified. The face of the dancer is actually that of a guy, and he’s wearing a wig by the way. The dude quickly says to Kenny in Discord’s voice, “Fear not, Kenneth.”
The jokester stripper turns into Discord. He says, “Now, do you know what you just saw?”
“A fucking nightmare!” Kenny yells. “That’s what I saw.”
“No, no, I assure you, Kenny. You being aroused by that guy is actually the right thing to do.”
“What? How is that possible, Mr. Mean Guy?”
Discord talks down to Kenny, just like he had did with Kyle. He looks down at Kenny and tells him a false idea about how it’s the males that are supposed to give birth in the human species. He goes on to say that the vag is “just for the straight man’s pleasure, and if she gets pregnant, that just mean’s he is a dumbass.”
Now this time, Kenny’s eyes swirl for a few seconds like Kyle, and turns gray, just like Kyle. After that happens to him, he says to himself, “Hm. I wonder if I can get a vibrator in this town.”
Discord tells him, “Well what are you waiting for? Go on and get it in!” Kenny walks out to Ponyville in search of an adult shop.
Butters finds his gem on a small table. Sitting at that table is his mom, who is pouring him a glass of milk. She says, “Hello, Butters. Would you like to care for a glass of milk?”
“Sure thing,” says Butters. “I love milk!” So he rushes over to the table, and grabs the glass of milk. But as he first gets a grip of it, his mom grabs him by the arm. She says, “Whoa there, sweetie.” “Huh?” says Butters. “What did I do wrong?” Then his mom transforms into Discord. He tells Butters, “You silly, little, naïve child.”
Butters shakes. He says, “But Sir Discord, I didn’t do anything!”
“Look, Butters-hehe! ‘Butt’-ers! That milk is expired, for Pete’s sake. Look at the date, kid!”
Butters reads the date. “Ah…Oct 8.” He literally pronounces it as “Oct” instead of saying “October.”
“And do you know what today’s date is? Oct 13. That milk is five days expired! If you drink expired milk, you will get very sick and die. That milk was a bad choice!”
“Aw shucks, Sir Discord. You got me good.”
“Indeed. And do you know why you believed me when I asked you for a glass? You just simply believed it was safe right away!” He turns to speak in hid condescending voice, “It’s you accepting every opportunity, everything you’ve been told, no matter how logically inaccurate it is. The only way for you to stay out of trouble, is to say ‘no’ to everything.”
And now Butters’ eyes swirl for a bit, and his whole self turns gray. Then he says, “They say ‘never say never,’ but I say, ‘never say always!’”
“That’s right, my little Butters. Now stay!”
“Aw, hell naw.” He leaves the maze to head back to Ponyville.
Stan finds his gem in a fake African wildlife reserve, fake because Discord had created it. He finds the gem more specifically in a leopard’s food bowl. As he picks it up, the leopard that regularly eats out of that bowl says to Stan in Discord’s voice, “Hey kid, whatcha doin’ snatching up my food?”
“Wait-WHAT?” exclaims Stan. “Is that you, Discord?” The leopard changes back into Discord. He says, “Why, of course. Now do you want to know about the truth of this place?”
“Uh, sure,” says Stan. Discord snaps his fingers, and everything disappears. The animals are still out there, but they fall down and die. Stan is incredibly shocked by this, screaming, “WHATVAHAK?”
“Yes, these animals sadly can't be healed,” says Discord. He continues in his condescending manner, “You see, animals are stupid. They were created so that humans could have resources to get what they need for survival, innovation, and much more. Also, the only reason why preservation organizations exist is so there can be more animals on this planet, just for the humans. Hm?”
Finally, Stan falls under Discord’s spell, as his eyes swirl for some seconds, and then he turns gray. He says to himself, “Must. Kill. The. Wild. Must. Stay. Alive. Stay. Alive. Ah. Ah. Ah. Yeah. Stay. Alive.” He walks out of the maze and heads toward Everfree Forest. Discord looks at Stan walking in the distance, rubs his hands together and says, “Yes, little boy. Kill every animal.” Then he does an evil laugh.
When all the boys leave the maze hypnotized, Cartman is walking around the statues, still high. Suddenly Discord comes up to him and says, “So, Sir Derpingham III. How would you like it if we destroyed that town?” He points to Ponyville.
“Aw, hell yeah!” Cartman replies. “I’m so in, it’s gonna be awesome! That town is a motherfucking poor, girly little lowlife that deserves to get its ass kicked.”
“That’s my boy,” says Discord. “Come on, Sir Derpingham. Hop on my back, and together we will buttfuck Ponyville.” Cartman jumps onto Discord’s back, and the two are headed into town.
The Mane Six, Spike, and I regroup in Everfree Forest. Because we were seeing everything going on, we don’t say a word for a minute, out of shock. We just look at each other nervously. Then Spike finally says, “So…I guess we all agree that we will get our asses kicked by Discord again?”
The six ponies sorrowfully nod their heads in agreement. “And Peter,” says Twilight, “all your kids are out on the loose. I guess we should just let them die.”
“Chill out, Twilight baby,” I say. “Don’t get all your magic in a bunch yet, I-”
Suddenly Stan jumps out from a bush and yells, “Halt! Can you creatures speak English?” He also has a rock in his hand. We all respond with a bunch of “Yeah”s and “Uh-huh”s.
“Very well then,” Stan says. “I must go deeper into the forest.” He walks away from us while letting out an Indian chant. We all sigh in relief.
“So, Peter,” continues Twilight, “What is your master plan or whatever?”
“It better be good, partner,” implies Applejack, “cause with Discord on the loose, we’re too afraid to even enter Ponyville.”
“So true,” says Fluttershy, “cause all my animals might die! Eeeee!” She faints.
I tell everybody, “Well, your fears influence some of my plan. I’ll have the seven of you stay at my place and chill out. Once you guys feel better, we can go check the town out, while I find and kill that stupid son of a bitch. Then of course, we gotta put the town back together. That means getting the Elements of Harmony, and you six do your thing. As for the boys, I don’t know how that’s gonna turn out. But they seem like they can handle themselves, considering the fact that they came from their land, all by themselves, to here.”
“But Pete,” says Rarity, “you’re just going to let those boys die in the cold?”
“Naw, not at all. Besides, the guards should probably catch them anyways. Rarity, you know I’m always right like this.”
“Ha. I suppose you do, dear.” She hugs me.
“Excuse me Peter,” says Spike, “But I want to tell you something.”
“Go right ahead,” I tell him.
“Are you in love with Rarity?” He makes all the ponies look at us both.
“Heheh,” I say. “Not that complicated, actually. I love her a lot, and she loves me a lot, despite the fact that I go around and be with other girls outside the Mane Six. But all those girls are a specific type of girl: a hoe. And as pimps, we don't love them hoes. So I can actually commit my love to one woman that way, while still being able to be with others.’”
“Huh?...Well screw you! She’s the only thing I actually love.”
“Okay, Spike. Let’s back up. How do you really feel about Rarity?”
“Well uh, I really like her beauty, I suppose.” She listens closely to him.
“Okay, now what about her personality?”
“Hmm. I don’t really know.” Rarity gets pissed off now.
“What about her fashion talents? Anything nice?”
“I...well...I don’t like fancy things.” She facehoofs.
“Wow, dude. Is she the only pony you find beautiful?”
“Uhhh,…..no. Not really. Other fashion ponies might be beautiful.”
“God dammit, Spike.”
"Wha...what?"
“That feeling you have for her is plain wrong. Look, nothing about Rarity interests you except how attractive she just appears. That's all about her that interests you. You don’t care for her, you don't explore her talents, and you barely know anything else about her-you think of her as a mere object of beauty. Pretty much, fuck you! She's mine, and I care about her enough to stand up for her in the worst of times. And fo' real, think about all the times that feeling for her has gotten out of hand. What made that time when she was trapped in the cave worse than she could have handled it? You had no faith in her getting past those monsters and screamed back to the rest of us. What about that time when you completely ruined her day when you told everyone you liked her, when she was already feeling down when she made Fluttershy a supermodel? And don't even get me fuckin' started on your birthday-it's just that, even then you don't deserve to be a greedy shit. You little dick.”
Spike thinks through those moments, and says, “You’re right. I should apologize-AHWOHAOH!” Rarity picks up Spike with her magic, and brings him in front of her face. She gives him a mean look and angrily says, “You are such an idiot! I will most certainly not be happy with you if you only like me for my looks. I'm not just a beauty symbol, I am elegant, ambitious, and artistic. Besides, I've been loving that handsome mare named Pete. You are a weak, baby dragon who has too much to learn-there's no way I can possibly fall in love with you. Spike, I can’t believe this. I thought we were friends! And don't mess with me and my boyfriend until you learn to treat me as such.” She drops Spike. He lands on his face, and he goes back to Twilight with tears in his eyes. Twilight gives him a mad look.
I walk up to Rarity, fist-pump her and say, “Now that girl, is some impressive shit. Putting that little douchebag in his place.”
“Thanks man,” she replies, “but I’m still worried about Discord.” She wraps her front leg around me, closes her eyes, and says, “Mind if you cheer me up tonight?”
“You bet I will.” Then I get kicked my some pony in the ass. It’s Rainbow Dash, who puts on her belt again and tells me, “Eh, you two may get along, but I must have some fun tonight. Cause I have to head back to Cloudsdale tomorrow for some training.”
Rarity proves her wrong as she tells her, “We just went to Cloudsdale with you all last week while you were in the Wonderbolts' elite camp. Rainbow Dash, you’re a liar.”
“Oh, so you really have to take it this far?” Rainbow says.
“Yes. Peter is not into S&M and you know it.”
“Well I don’t really care! Besides, you can’t catch me cause I’m the fastest pony in all of Equestria. You heard?”
“But I am a unicorn, and so is Petey. Either one or both of us can fuck you over however we wish.”
“Ha! You’re just jealous because-”
“Girls, shut up!” yells Twilight. “We don’t have the time for arguing now. Our little town’s in trouble...again.” Rarity and Rainbow turn away from each other in frustration. “Come on girls,” continues Twilight. “Don’t you two see this is exactly what Discord wants us to be doing right now?”
The two look at Twilight and owe her a forced apology. Then I say, “Wow that was scary. We really should get going to my house, cause you all seem as if you need some damn rest.” So we all hop on the train, and drive back to my house.
Back at my house, we all clam our nerves in beds and watch television. Fluttersy, Twilight, Applejack, and Spike are in one room watching Adventure Time. The other three ponies are in another room watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I am below them in my own room, bumpin' my tunes while watching an NFL game, Chicago vs. Detroit.
In the room with Adventure Time on, Spike's still bummed out from my and Rarity's rants. "Hey Twilight?" he says.
"What is it, Spike?" she replies uninterestingly.
"There's no way I can get over Rarity not wanting to be around me. How am I supposed to not even be around her anymore? Sometimes, I don't do anything more than just helping her."
"Spike, I know this is very tough, but what those two said are true. You're way out of her league, meaning she wouldn't even need you for much things, help is among them. She'll go to ponies such as me, Peter, and her family. Cause we're at that age where we understand what's useful for her. It's not like Fluttershy talks to her pets about her problems, or like Applejack would make her younger sister watch the house for her." The two shake their heads in agreement.
Spike understands Twilight's words, and bows down his head and sighs. "Okay, Twilight," she says, "I get it now. I won't help her or anypony else bigtime for a while. Screw me."
"Hey little boy, at least I still find you useful in the library," says Twilight. Spike gets cheered up a bit, getting a faint smile on his face.
Soon I hear somepony or someone knock on my room door. I open it, and in comes Rarity looking sad and worried. I ask her, “Whatsup girl?”
She hops onto my bed and I get back in, too. She says, “I just need help getting things off my mind.”
“Like what? Rainbow? Discord?”
“Yes. I know we’re in this relationship with benefits, but Dash is acting really desperate right now-as if she doesn’t want us to be in love.”
“I know, she sees it like there’s no second chance.”
“She doesn’t even care that you hate those ways-I feel she could end up raping you!” She bawls and covers her face up with the covers. I say, “Shh, shh,” pet her, and she calms down some. Then I say, “Now that’s where you come in. When she hits on me, or hits me-I will trick her into doing something she enjoys, then we can get it on shortly after so we can forget about it all, and show who the real mistress in town is.”
“Pete my darling, there is no brony as wonderful as you.” We then hug each other. Then Rarity goes back upstairs feeling better.
When Rarity begins to lie back down, Rainbow asks her, “Did you guys do it?”
She sighs and says, “No. We just talked."
“Very well then,” says Rainbow. “But I need to tell you something: you are such a cockblock. Did you know that?”
Rarity responds, “Augh! You are such a loveblock. Did you know that?”
“Well, I am an actual celebrity athlete, so I can rob thousands of bits in merchandise and nopony will give a shit.”
“Yes, they would! Have you ever heard of paparazzi? Or Ponies magazine?”
“The only reason why you read it is so you can find a new boyfriend.”
“What? Am not! Barely half those boys are single.”
"Why does that matter? Whenever Peter's in his world, he cheats on you so much-"
"Noooo! He doesn't cheat me, he's just-"
“GIRLS! QUIET!” interrupts Pinkie Pie. She points to the TV and says, “Kim's in such a freakout right now, look!” Rarity and Rainbow immediately stop arguing and turn to the TV screen to watch Kim acting all bitchy again. They laugh along with Pinkie, and peace is restored to the room.
A couple hours later in the other room, Twilight gets startled from Fluttershy’s reactions to some of the trippy things she sees on Adventure Time. Twilight also thinks it’s about time we all go check out what had happened to Ponyville. So she heads downstairs, opens my bedroom door and walks toward me. She says, “Pete, I can’t really rest any longer. Discord’s driving me insane.”
“So? Aren’t we all?” I say back. I’m unsure of why she had said this.
“So…it has been a few hours now, and not everypony is in a sleeping mood. I suggest that we should check out Ponyville and stop Discord now.”
“Nah. This game's got six minutes left and the score’s tied.”
“Peter, think about those kids we walked through town with today.”
I sigh. “Okay fine,” I say. “Tell the rest to pack up cause we’re heading out.”
“Sure thing, boy.” She gets everypony and Spike to head outside. I get back in human form and put on a different outfit before I head out: high-end shoes from Margiela with no laces, multicolored Nike Elites, dark jeans from Dolce and Gabbana, blue Versace tee, the white gem blazer Rarity gave to me earlier, and a black Supreme snapback with a leopard skin bill, while keeping both chains, the Rolex, and the pony-transform wristband. Then, the eight of us head out and catch the train again to Ponyville.
"This shit is wicked on these mean streets None of my friends speak, we're all tryna win but then again Maybe it's for the best though cause when they're saying too much You know they're trying to get you touched" -Shawn "Jay-Z" Carter from "D'Evils" off of Reasonable Doubt, 1996
When we arrive in town, things look as crazy as they had been when Discord attacked before. Clouds are cotton candy that rain chocolate, trees become candy canes, wild animals are hella tall and skinny, and others are chodes. The buildings were also transformed into the most random foods one can think of, while others were turned upside down. These include some paths and other pony-made things. Everything is affected except for domesticated animals and residents. Some of these attacks had been inspired by Discord, others by Cartman because he had been high still.
We all sit on the ground to get a glimpse of the town because all the chairs are electric and all the benches have needles sticking out of the planks.
I look around and say, “I must say, this is fucked up a little worse than last time, but it doesn’t look very disastrous. Ponyville just has a little genetic mutation.”
“But all these ponies are so affected out by this,” Twilight implies. “Look around, the damage speaks for itself.” So I look around.
There are plenty of unusual things going on. I see Lyra and Bon-Bon sit in front of their bench because needles are sticking out of it. DJ-P0N3 puts in Skrillex and Deadmau5 records for an outdoor disaster relief party. But instead of playing dubstep and electro house, they play country music-Garth Brooks and Brad Paisley. It irritates the ponies in attendance and they leave. On another view, Derpy Hooves sets down a stack of papers in front of Miss Cherilee’s front door. Derpy rings the doorbell, and leaves as Cherilee opens the door, waves to her and yells, “Thanks, Derpy!” Then she reads through the papers, and has a big grin on her face. She shouts, “Oh my Gosh! My school is among the top ten in Equestria!”
I tell Twilight, “Gotta agree with you, Twi. The town really is hit hard...Now I suggest you guys head over to your own houses to see if everything is alright.”
“You’re right,” says Twilight. “Girls, head back to your homes to check on your houses and families. Come on, Spike.” Those two head off to Twilight’s library, as the other ponies split up, heading towards their own homes. I walk around town looking for coffee, knowing that I should be awake and ready to face any shit coming towards me.
As Twilight and Spike walk towards their library, Spike asks, “So uh, I’m kinda having a weird day. To cheer ourselves up, you want to play pretend when we get back?”
“No,” Twilight answers. “Let’s just remain calm in this crazy time.”
“Wow,” says Spike, “I bet it’s because you have to ‘studies’ you ‘need’ to get on to.” They walk through the door.
“Yes, I have to know what I can about how magic can completely clean a pony’s body.” She pulls a pony hygiene book off the shelf and starts reading it.
“But how is that relevant to Discord? Or the current state of Ponyville? Or Peter and his friends? Twilight, I think you need to calm your busy mind for once.”
That gets Twilight thinking. She realizes something, and says to Spike, “You know, you’re actually right. Even with my friends on my back I still cannot think about these studies I’m just so damn curious about. Let’s play a little pretend to ease our minds, shall we?”
“Alright! Let’s be cop and criminal this time. I’m the cop and you’re the criminal.”
“I’m cool. Just let me look like one first.” She digs through a treasure chest and pulls out an old hat and disguise glasses, then puts them on. Spike gets a police hat and puts it on. Then he proceeds to play by grabbing Twilight by the hooves and says, “Young man, you’re under arrest!”
“What did I even do, officer? This is a nice town, why would I fuck with this place?”
Kenny walks in front of the library, and notices the two playing pretend cops through the window. Because Twilight is wearing a male human-disguise pair of glasses, and Spike is wearing a cop hat, he interprets the two playing as gay sex role-play. He thinks Twilight’s a male homo. “Yes, you are held under suspicion of drug dealing,” Spike continues. “You think I’m a drug dealer? Ask me what the smell of weed is like!” says Twilight. Kenny turns away from the window and busts the door open, making a sassy pose upon entrance. The pony and dragon stop what they were doing and turn towards Kenny. They look confused. Then Kenny says in a dainty way, “Hey, boys!” Then he walks toward them in a sexy manner.
“Uh, hi Kenny,” says Spike. Kenny strips his pants off and moves toward Twilight, saying, “So you’ve been going around town fucking shit up, huh?” The two become even more dumbfounded. Kenny stops behind Twilight, who sweats out of nervousness and has no idea what the hell to do. Spike looks at what’s going on awkwardly. Assuming she is continuing her role as a suspect, Kenny puts his hands on her hips and tells her, “So you’re too nervous to talk, buddy. Looks like you’ve robbed a hundred grand or something.” He begins to jump on Twilight’s back, but she kicks him with her right back leg, sending Kenny back three feet. He ends up on the ground with a bloody nose. Twilight takes off her disguise and gets furious with Kenny, angrily saying, “What do you think you’re doing? Spike and I were playing pretend, when out of nowhere you just randomly come in here, take off your pants and assume I’m a gay guy? That’s beyond insane. I’m a motherfucking pony, you’re a human child!” Spike runs up to his little bed because he’s scared from Twilight’s yelling. “Out of my house-I don’t want to see you again! And take your silly pants with you.” Kenny quickly puts his pants back on, rushes outside and slams the door.
Twilight out of insecurity gallops up to her bed and tucks herself in, as Spike follows her and does the same. “Spike,” she says, “I don’t wanna be involved in this anymore-I’m done. Discord…he has just taken this to a whole new level. Now go grab me the book I pulled out as we came in.” So he does exactly that and brings it to her. She immediately opens to where she had left off.
Meanwhile at the bakery, Mr. and Mrs. Cake have a word with Pinkie Pie. “Pinkie,” says Mrs. Cake, “where have you been all this time? You left without us, and now you seem tired as hell.”
“And you seem nervous too,” adds Mr. Cake. “Did you do anything bad?”
As crazy as she can get in these situations, she speedily tells the truth without resistance. “Well, I saw my friends walking in the streets, so I hopped on over to them. That one awesome brony Peter LeSay was there and-"
“Wait a second,” Mrs. Cake interrupts, “why in your right mind would you be with that guy? You could have gotten a fatal disease!”
“No, Mrs. Cake. Me and all my friends are his friends. He also brought some younger human friends with him, and we all went to the park. But we’d later find those other boys arguing in front of Discord's statue at the maze, and-"
“They released Discord?” suspiciously asks Mr. Cake.
“Yes. And he turned four of the five human boys gray, and took off with the one boy who remained normal.”
“Damn Pinkie, it sounds like you got into real danger. Not cool.”
Mrs. Cake says, “And as a punishment, Mr. Cake and I will take the kids for a walk, so you can watch over the bakery for us.” The two head upstairs to grab Pound and Pumpkin out of their cribs, dress them, then take them downstairs to put them in a stroller. As the head out the door, Mr. Cake says, “You better take good care of this place, Pinkie. Don’t cause any messes, or else.” The Cake family closes the door, and Pinkie Pie stands at the counter alone and ashamed.
Immediately Pinkie starts having some thoughts. She says to herself, “Mr. and Mrs. Cake shouldn’t treat me like this. I’m their employee, not their kid. I know I’m crazy and sometimes do fucked up stuff, but I never get hurt from anything stupid I do, right? It’s not like I eat the food here, I know its theirs. Seriously, I’m not dependent like Pumpkin or Pound. I’m in just fine condition, and nothing crazy I do will kill me!…On the other hand, I do get extra pay for doing this, right? Yeah. So it’s like a reward, just for standing and being bored! Now I enjoy doing this just for that reason. I know it’s weird, but it’s reasonable.” Then she stares out the door and waits for a customer to walk in.
A few minutes later, Rarity walks in with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. Rarity and Pinkie Pie greet each other.
“I found these girls playing in my house,” Rarity says, “and they would certainly not be safe alone. So I figured that chilling at your place is the best idea.”
“No can play, Rare. Mr. and Mrs. Cake made me work for hanging with Pete and leaving without asking.”
“That's terrible. Well, we’ll be upstairs, alright?”
“Wait sis,” says Sweetie Belle. “We want some treats from Pinkie.”
“Okay Sweetie, here’s some bits for you fillies.” She hands the bits over to Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, and they buy cookies, then the two head up with Rarity to Pumpkin’s and Pound’s room. When they get there, the fillies dig through the toy box.
Scootaloo pulls out Guess Who and asks Sweetie, “Wanna play this?”
“Nope,” she replies out of boredom.
She digs deeper, pulls out Twister and says, “This game is way more fun.”
“Are you kidding me? That’s so haaaard! I must find something else.” Sweetie digs deeper and pulls out Yahtzee. She says, “Now this is not so impossible.”
“I don’t want a game that involves stuff we learn in school.” Scootaloo picks up Connect Four and says, “This game gets intense. Everybody at school loves this!”
“You know what? Forget games. Let’s try to get our Cutie Marks again. Now what can we get ours in this time? Hm…” Sweetie and Scootaloo think of ways to get their cutie marks. However, the lady in charge knows something would go wrong here, so she thinks of something simple. “Cleaning,” she says.
“Cleaning?” the two fillies ask. “Why the hay would we want to get out cutie marks in cleaning?” asks Scoot.
“Well first of all, you made this whole room a mess,” says Rarity. “Secondly, if you clean for a while, you could start picking up trash ponies dropped and save Equestria.”
“Really?” asks Sweetie Belle. “Cleaning up helps save Equestria?”
“Absolutely. Picking up trash is very helpful because leaving it on the ground is frightening for Equestria. And all you have to do is pick up trash, making Equestria a better place, and nopony will get sick. Cause trash can make anypony sick.”
“Well,” says Scootaloo, “I guess you’re right. Come on Sweetie Belle, let’s pick these toys up faster than Rainbow Dash.”
“Totally!” Sweetie says. So the two fillies put away the toys as fast as they could. Once they finished, they check their flanks to see if they now have gotten their cutie marks. And like always, no cutie marks show up, and the fillies bow their heads in shame.
Then Sweetie Belle looks at the toy box. She notices Monopoly and says to Scootaloo, “Hey Scoots, it’s that monopoly game where you got Diamond Tiara bankrupt pretty early in.”
“Ahahahaha! Yeah, did you see her rage? It’s a fun game by the way. Let’s play it!”
“Now we finally have a game to play.” Sweetie takes out the game and continues to play it with her sister and friend.
Back downstairs, the door opens and in comes Butters. He asks Pinkie Pie, “So I guess this is the bakery in town?”
“Yes-sir-ey!” replies Pinkie.
Butters heads up to the counter, puts his arm on it, and looks at Pinkie with a concentrated expression. He says, “So, what’s the best you’ve got here?”
“It’s this strawberry cake, over here.” She points to it, which is a pink cake below the counter behind glass. “It’s been in the Cake family for generations, and it has done amazing things for ponies. It was the only affordable and favorite cake during the Equestrian Great Depression and-”
“Fuck history, just give me some chocolate chip cookies.”
“Oooookay…” Pinkie grabs some cookies, bags them and puts them on the counter. Butters grabs the bag of them. “That’ll be three bits, sir,” Pinkie says.
“I ain’t payin’ no bits. I only have American dollars.” So he takes three bucks from his pocket and puts them on the counter. But Pinkie says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t recognize this money.”
Coming up with an excuse, Butters tries to get the cookies and says, “It’s the same as American bits, Goddamit!”
“Okayokayokayokayokayokayokayokayokay! Pay with your money, take your food and leave!” Pinkie takes the $3 from Butters and he takes his cookies. Then he says, “This place looks crappy. Can I go upstairs to see if it’s any cooler?”
“Ahhh, sure…” Pinkie says, frightened from how Butters had just treated her. He heads upstairs and walks in on Rarity, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo. Rarity smirks and nervously says, “Uh, hello Butters.”
“Oh wow, another friend!” Scootaloo says. “Would you like to play Monopoly with us?”
Butters replies, “No. Monopoly is for corporate fat cats to pass time and have a little fun. If you play like the fat cats, you live like the fat cats.”
“O-kay…” says Rarity, “never heard of that one before. Hehehehehe.” Butters heads back downstairs. While this happens, Sweetie Belle asks her sister, “Oh gosh! Who is he? Please just tell me Discord made him act this way.”
“Yes, Sweetie Belle. Discord did just mess around with him. Not a big deal.”
“Whew, thank Celestia. If that were his actual self, I’d have nightmares. Anyway, we should get back to our game.”
Butters comes up to Pinkie Pie and tells her, “Your place is terrible! It’s all girly and crap, and you just had to be the baby mama of two kids!”
Pinkie could not stand Butters’ denials and shots. She feels insulted, anxious, and shocked all at the same time. She gasps and backfires, “I would never have been a baby mama, I’m not a slut! And this place is supposed to be girly. This is a bakery, and the Cake family and I have always wanted to make the place look as sweet and great as our food.”
“That explains why I hate this place, oh-and your cookies don’t even have the right starches! Did you learn anything from chemistry class?”
“No! You PRICK! Now let me tell you something else. This ain’t chemistry-this is fun. Cooking is fun. And the shit I cook is the bomb, so don’t be telling me.”
“The shit you cook is shit. You and the Cake family will not make garbage. You will produce a chemically pure and stable product that performs as advertised. No adulterants. No baby formula. No pumpkin powder.”
“No, no, pumpkin P is my signature!”
“Well...fuck that shit! Not anymore.” Butters finishes those words retreats from the bakery, slamming the door on his way out. Pinkie Pie stares at the door with tears hanging in her eyes. A few seconds later, she cries so hard her tears come out of her eyes like streams from a water fountain. Rarity hears Pinkie cry and she rushes down to her to see what the problem is. “What’s wrong, dear?” she asks.
Pinkie Pie stops crying and says, “Butters is so mean! He accused this place of being girly, said that my ways of baking are shit, and I should change the-e-em!” She goes back to crying a fountain.
“Dear Celestia,” Rarity says in a frustrated manner. “It seems as if Discord really crossed the line this time.”
Around this time, Applejack knocks on her house door. Granny Smith is there to open it. “Oh, Applejack,” she says.
“Hi, Granny.”
“Come right in, we have a big change to our family.”
Applejack walks into the room and Granny Smith shuts the door before heading back to her rocking chair. To the left of Applejack, Applebloom and Big Macintosh sit on the couch between Kyle. He’s reading out of The Book of Mormon to the Apple family.
“Now Applejack,” says Granny Smith, “a couple hours ago, this young human came to our door and started telling us about this wonderful book called ‘The Book of Mormon.’”
“The one he’s reading out of right now?” Applejack asks in a nervous manner, knowing that Kyle is grey from Discord, and that she believes he cast a spell on Kyle to read the holy book to her family.
“Indeed. Now, Elder Broflovski told us that there are many great teachings out of The Book of Mormon. He’s sharing some more stories and lessons with your siblings right now.”
“Hm, I got a feeling about this…” Applejack says suspiciously. “What specifically is this ‘Book of Mormon’ about, Granny Smith?”
AJ’s question gets Kyle’s attention. He says to her, “Oh hello, Applejack. The Book of Mormon is an amazing book. Probably the best in the world. It’s about the stories and teachings of an American prophet long ago named Joseph Smith. In the long past year of 1832, two angels come down from heaven and brought the original Book of Mormon to him.”
“Wait-let me get this straight here. So Fluttershy’s bunny and twin-”
“No, sis!” Applebloom interrupts. “He’s not talking about Fluttershy’s pet. He’s talking about a human who lives in Heaven, has wings and a big gold ring above his head. They are the servants of God and heaven.”
“Hold on there, sugar cube,” implies AJ. “What is this ‘heaven’ place?”
“Heaven,” Kyle explains, “is up in the clouds. It is the place where people go when they die, and they live there forever.”
“What? Heaven isn't the place up in the coulds-that's Cloudsdale. I've been there before, and everybody I saw was well alive. This is weird already. I sure cannot wait to find out who ‘God’ is.”
“God, He is the father of all people and living things. He lives in heaven. He is our love, our supernatural ruler, the creator of the world. He is also our ultimate savior, and the light of the world.”
“Granny Smith, do you believe all the bullshit this kid is telling us?”
“Of course I do,” Granny responds in a rather angry manner. “And it isn’t ‘bullshit,’ you rotten barrel! Elder Broflovski speaks the truth!”
“It is true Applejack,” says Applebloom. “If you were here when Elder Broflovski walked in, you would understand everything.”
“But that’s impossible,” Applejack continues, “Princess Celestia is the creator and ruler along with Princess Luna, and everypony knows that. In fact, everypony should know that!”
“I know,” Applebloom goes on, “but God is the overall creator and ruler. Besides, He cares for us. Would Celestia take us all to a perfect world someday? Nope. She’s just the ruler of Equestria, while God is the ruler of the whole world. Ain’t that right, Big Macintosh?”
“Eeyup,” Mac replies.
“Besides,” Kyle says, “Your religion has Princess Luna in addition to Celestia. That’s two supernatural beings. There is only one true supernatural being, that is God-our loving, powerful savior.”
Applejack growls. She exclaims, “Alright, Apple family! Your brains have been mushed into applesauce. Not only do you spontaneously deny our princesses' powers, but the consequences of a pony switching to another religion are even worse!”
“Don’t worry Applejack,” Kyle says, trying to calm her down. “As long as they have the Book of Mormon in their house, your family is A-Okay.”
Someone knocks on the door three times. Granny Smith says, “Hey AJ, would you mind getting the door while us Mormons pray?”
“Uh, sure Granny.” She walks towards the door and opens it. In come two Equestrian soldiers. The one on the right asks AJ, “Is this the Apple residence?”
“Yes sir,” she answers.
“Now which members of this residence believe in the Mormon religion?”
Applejack points to her family members as she says their names in remorse: “Ahh, Granny Smith, Big Macintosh, and Applebloom.”
“Brock,” says the soldier, “let’s take them away.” The four break from prayer and scream. The soldiers tie together the front legs of the three ponies with a rope. Applebloom and Granny Smith cry, Macintosh repeatedly says “Nope,” Kyle drops his jaw, and Applejack sheds tears as she watches the scene. Then the soldiers take the ponies outside and throw them in a steel carriage with two small windows.
Applebloom asks one of the soldiers, “Why are you monsters doing this to us?”
The other soldier replies, “You three are under arrest. It is part of the Royal Equestrian Code for all natural-born ponies to believe in the Celestial religion. Which means belief in any other religion is forbidden.”
Granny Smith yells at the soldier, “You cannot arrest me! I own a strong business that dates back-”
“Silence!” the soldier interrupts, as he points a spear toward Granny. “If you don’t shut up, we’ll make you!”
“Okay okay, whatever you say.”
AJ and Kyle walk onto the scene and reach the soldier. Applejack asks him, “Are you seriously taking my family to the royal jail?”
“Applejack,” says the soldier, “your family members are criminals. You can to nothing about them at this time. We leave that for justice.” Then he calls out to the other soldier, “How’s the fire coming along, Henry?”
Applejack turns around in the direction the soldier is facing. She gasps heavily and says, “What in tarnation! Why the hay are you burning Apple Acres?”
“It’s coming along fine,” the other soldier yells back over at Apple Acres, whom has now set fire to a dozen trees at Apple Acres. Applejack is in complete shock now, and she falls to the ground from feeling strong, harsh emotions.
“That’s cool,” yells the other soldier, “that’ll spread to where I desire.” He turns back to Applejack and tells her, “I told you, kid. Justice would take care of your family, and part of that justice is setting fire to a third of your farmland.” He again yells back to the other soldier, “OK man, let’s take these guys to the slammer.”
So the other soldier heads back over to the carriage. As he does this, Applejack releases an emotion part sad and part angry onto Kyle. She tells him, “This is all YOUR FAULT! If you didn’t convince my family that Celestia was fake, none of this shit would’ve happened. But now, you got me traumatized!”
Kyle says apologetically, “I am so very sorry, Miss Applejack. Us Mormons are just doing our job.”
“Well your ‘job’ might get my historic family business shut down for good! Leave Apple property! NOW!”
Kyle walks away in shame with his head looking down at the ground, while Applejack watches the soldiers fly her family away. She bows her head in sadness, sighs, and says to herself, “How can this be? My future is in so much danger, thanks to that fucker Discord. I think hanging with Pete would be the best thing to do. He’s the only pony I know rich and smart enough to get rid of that hoe.” She walks into Ponyville looking for me.
As Fluttershy opens the door to her house, she says out loud, “Hello, everybody! I’m ho-ome!” to her animals. But she looks around and finds none of her pets. She gets nervous and says, “Uh, where is everybody? They all might as well be upstairs sleeping. Hopefully, I didn’t wake anybody up.” So she heads upstairs. As she walks into her room, she smells something terrible, making her say, “Ew! I bet they pulled pranks on me-turning this fresh tree into a junkyard!”
She turns on the lights and sees all the beds with lumps underneath the covers. She says, “I knew it. They’re all just asleep.” She turns around and notices an empty birdcage. “Oh no! One of my parakeets is gone. I suppose it’s resting with Angel.”
Fluttershy heads toward Angel’s crib and unveils the cover. The bird isn’t there, but Angel is. However, he was not even breathing and has blood leaking out of his stomach. Fluttershy screams so loud that it can be heard throughout most of Ponyville and into the clouds.
In the clouds, Rainbow Dash is sleeping peacefully, until she awakes form Fluttershy’s scream. She says, “Oh, crap. I can tell something’s wrong with Fluttershy.” So she stands up, lifts off from her could/bed, and quickly flies to Fluttershy’s cottage. She rushes up to Fluttershy, who is lying down and crying in front of Angel’s bed. Rainbow asks her, “What’s the matter, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy sniffs a tear, turns to RD and says, “Angel’s dead, man.” She goes back to crying.
Rainbow gets very shocked really quick. "Oh no!" he exclaims. Then she gets angry and says, “Who in Celestia’s name would do such bullshit?”
“I would,” says Stan’s voice. He comes out of a cabinet drawer for the two to see. Rainbow and Fluttershy, who is still crying, turn towards Stan. They gasp, and Rainbow only grows more angry. She says, “It’s YOU?! What are you doing here? Killing the pet of such a calm, innocent pony?”
“I’m hunting,” Stan replies. “There is not much I could find in this forest back here. But then I came to this house, and I could not believe what I saw: tons of different animals, all of which could make something useful. So I killed all the animals that lived here with a spear. So now, I can put these raw materials to work.”
Both Rainbow and Fluttershy get even more shocked, and scream out loud, “NOOOOOOOOO!”
Rainbow Dash continues her mocking toward Stan and tells him, “AURGH! Go fuck yourself, kid! Next time you kill an animal make sure it’s not a damn pet. Now get out of this house!”
“Okay I’m sorry,” says Stan, who walks down the stairs and out the door with a sad face on. Then Fluttershy turns to Rainbow and says, “Please, stay at my house for as long as I need you.” She sniffs. “I cannot deal with this alone.”
“Of course I will help you cope with this thing,” says Rainbow. “That’s what good, long-time friends are for.” She pats Fluttershy on her back.
“And please, buy me new pets!”
“Yeah, I don’t have the money for that. Pete does though, we can ask him.”
“Alright. Gee, I don’t know where to turn if he turns that down.” She continues sobbing as the two walk downstairs and go find me. My location, though?
While the Mane Six suffer from what the boys bring them, I am walking around town with a frozen coffee. Walking in the opposite direction is Octavia, who spots me and is in shock. But then she smiles, blushes, and walks over towards me. She says, “Oh, look who we have here: the most handsome guy any pony has seen.”
I stop in shock and look at Octavia. I say, “Ah, hello Octavia. You’re one of the cutest ponies I’ve seen.”
“You really think I’m that attractive?”
“Yes, you have one of my favorite voices I’ve heard from a pony. And I know you have one of the best manes, too.”
“Ah, you make me feel as beautiful as my music.”
“You know why? That’s cause you really are.”
“Oh, stop it you! Now just take me to your bedroom. I want to see your beautiful mare body.”
“Well, I’m already busy tonight. I’ll set you up for tomorrow night.”
“Tomorrow night? Shit, I got a concert.”
“Then I’ll be your groupie for the night.”
“Peter, you are a wonderful man. My concert starts at eight in the park and lasts for 2.5 hours.”
“That’s awesome. I’ll see you then.”
“Later boy…I hope your body’s as beautiful as it looks.” She kisses me on the cheek and walks away.
On the same stretch of dirt road Octavia walks away from me on, Cartman runs toward me panting. When he gets to me, he says, “Peter! You’ve got to listen to me!”
I knew it’s been quite a while since Cartman had last smoked weed, so I decide to take him seriously this time and ask, “Whatsup, little bro?”
“Discord is suck a fucking idiot!” he yells.
“I know. Everypony and every brony knows.”
“His destruction to the town is gay. He really never destroyed any buildings or kill any people. What he did was make the town look like it’s on acid. The only real violence I did was use my taser on a couple ponies, but even then he told me it wasn't "real evil" and I was being distracting. Is that not fucked?”
“Yeah, he thinks he’s a badass villain but his tactics are weird and suck. And he's just a huge asshole. By the way, why are you so hyped up about this?”
“Because I only went around town with him destroying it when I was high, and I thought it was funny. But when I sobered up, I realized he was making me his bitch: he summoned the grossest couch and made me clean it up, so he could sit and enjoy the weird so called destruction he had done to Ponyville. It took me over an hour! When I finally finished that shit, he sat down and summoned popcorn in his hands, and purposely ate them like a four year old so that there would be all these popcorn pieces lying on the cushions! Who is he making pick them up? Me! I didn’t want to do it, so I ran from the couch as quickly as possible to find you. Because you’re the only person I believe is cool here, and I don't know where else to go.” He calms down and starts breathing heavily again.
“So, what should we do?”
“It's simple, we uh kill the Discord.”
"Hahaha. Just up and kill him? Why so serious?"
"Because of something important I've learned from Discord. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn."
I stop for a moment and think that through. “You're right" I say. "Okay Eric, I'm up for it. That is-if he doesn’t know what guns are.”
“Well...I never told him about guns, and he never spoke about them. So we should be good.”
“That’s perfect! Bring him to me now.” So Cartman leads me to where Discord is chillin' at.
"Put my hands up? Fuck you sayin' bruh? Cause I'm a black man, in a Phantom? Or is it 'cause my windows tinted, Car cost three hundred thou and I blow Indo in it?" -Jayceon "The Game" Taylor from "Ali Bomaye" off of Je5us Piece, 2012
When we get to Discord, he’s back in the park behind the hedge maze. He looks down at Cartman and says, “Sir Derpingham III, where have you been? Now get back to cleaning my couch!”
Cartman yells back, “No way Discord, you bitch! You tricked me into being your slave.”
“Aurgh! Screw you, Sir Derpingham! I thought I was your friend.” He turns to me, and looks at me suspiciously. He says, “Waaaait a second. I’ve heard about you.” He points to me, and I get a bit nervous. I say, “Who, me?”
“Yes, you. You are the good-looking human that turns into a pony, and that way you get all the girl ponies.” Discord is actually not happy right now. He actually gets angrier and says, “And you slept with every one of the mane six! What the?”
“That’s right,” I say. “You’re just jealous of a high-class, stylish, popular human.”
“Indeed. But, you are also a friend of the Mane Six! I must shun you to death!” He calms himself down, and looks down on me. He says, “You know, all that sex can get you sick and die. Maybe it’s about time you should give up on big pimpin’, eh? Live a normal life, with a wife, in your own human world, and avoid the dangers of promiscuity.”
Instead of my eyes swirling and turning grey, I look at Discord frustratingly with my arms crossed the whole time he was talking. I say, “I know what your ass is up to. I’m not buyin' that shit."
“Sweet Celestia! How could you possibly resist my sheer, ingenious tricks?”
“That’s because I’m intelligent. I am not naïve like kids or ponies. Also, your evil tricks are terrible. You make chocolate rain instead of highly concentrated acid rain. You overturn buildings instead of demolishing them. You just simply piss off and be mean to ponies instead of killing them. You make the wild look only hella weird instead of depriving it of living. If you want to be an actual villain, you got to damage and terminate shit, not just troll people and ponies. Because that’s exactly what a bad villain does. You are a BAD villain."
That shocks and appalls Discord. He says, “I’m a-bad villain? Is all that why?”
I pull out my guns and turn them to fire. I say to him, “That’s right. A bad villain-that’s the shit I don’t like!” BANG! BANG! go the pistols, as one bullet hits Discord’s stomach while the other hits his head. He could not do anything because he had never thought he would feel so much pain ever. He falls to the ground. “Ahh! The pain! I don’t think I can walk again! What happened?” he complains. He has difficulty speaking too because he’s conflicting with the pain. Among with that, his arms, legs, and claws cringe.
“Dude, pound it,” says Cartman. I give him knuckles and yell to Discord, “Hey Discord-ha! That’s what you get for being Equestria’s villain-the pussy villain of fine, cute ponies. So I had to be the villain of your life!” Cartman and I stare at Discord with sinister facial expressions.
Discord says, “If you see the Mane Six, tell them that they…are…are…” His mouth stops moving, his arms and claws drop to the ground. Discord is dead now. Cartman and I cheer and throw our arms in the air. “That was so tight butthole!” says Cartman. “High-five!”
I give him a high-five and say, “Come on big guy, let’s go tell the news to all the others!” So us two go back into town to spread the word, first to the Mane Six.
When the Mane Six get a view of Discord’s dead body for the first time, they are astonished out of happiness. They make interjections, talk to each other about how great this whole situation is and all. Then Twilight Sparkle says, “Well, we should know who this hero assassin is. How Discord died is beyond me!”
Cartman and I are standing next to the ponies, and I tell Twilight, “I killed Discord. No bullshittin’.”
“Dear Celestia,” Twilight excitedly says, “It was you?”
“It’s true,” Cartman says, “I was witness to it.” The ponies rush over to me and surround me with their big smiles. Pinkie Pie puts her hooves around my torso and says to my face, “Peter, you are a WONDER! How did you kill him?”
I reply, “I just put my intelligent and human powers to work on him.” I don’t bother telling them I had used my guns because I don’t feel like making another bang out in this small town. They don’t know what a gun is either anyway.
“Well damn, I better go tell Celestia that you killed Discord,” Twilight says. “All of Equestria has been waiting for this day. Oh, and we should turn Ponyville back to normal the same way we had done when he came before. That being said, anypony know where the Elements of Harmony are kept?”
The other ponies and I shake their heads. Cartman asks, “Elements of Harmony? Dafuq are they?”
I explain to him, “The Elements of Harmony are some powerful necklaces and a tiara for each of these ponies. Nobody knows where they are now.”
“Yeah, I’m too tired to find that shit. But if they’re for cleaning up this mess of the great bitch Discord, then I’ll hop on.”
“Awesome. Alright girls, me and Cartman are finna hunt down the Elements of Harmony. I think you guys should just celebrate somehow now that Discord is dead.” Pinkie yells, “Party at my house, everypony!” The other ponies cheer collectively in response.
However, both the unicorns would not go. Twilight says to Pinkie, “Well this is a pretty big deal right here. I must tell Celestia about this. Later girls,” Twilight turns away and gallops her way to Canterlot. The other unicorn says, “Sorry again, Pinkie. But I got some unfinished business with Peter tonight. I’d like to be by his side when he and this kid find the Elements of Harmony.” She puts her front leg around my torso, then I do the same to her with my arm.
“It’s okay,” says Pinkie. “Everybody in town is invited cause it’s the death-of-Discord celebration.”
Cartman tells me, “Pete, I want to go to Pinkie’s party now!”
“Nope,” I say. “First of all, this species produces booze only occasionally. Second, you will find the music they play worse than the radio you listen to.”
Rainbow interrupts, “And you have to take care of some so-called business with Rarity! Hahahaha! Yeah right, like that will happen.”
“Shut up, Rainbow Dash,” I say.
“Yeah, shut up, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity says.
Of course, she doesn’t. She says, “I got my eyes on you.” She puts her hoof on her nose, then points to me and Rarity, scaring us.
“Come on ponies,” says Pinkie. “Let’s go party!” The three who would party follow Pinkie Pie to her house, who hops on the way. Then she says bye to me, Rarity, and Cartman and we wave back.
Then I say to the two, “Alright. Let’s meet back at my house before we find the Elements of Harmony. So we can plan how to get them." The two nod in agreement, and the three of us hop back on the train to my house. So we can avoid being swarmed by others, we tell nobody and no pony that I killed Discord.
When we’re in the living room, and by the way I’m back in human form, the three of us discuss how we would find the Elements. Rarity suggests, “Now Pete, you’re like the most popular brony in town. Do you know any interesting nerds who would know where they are?”
“Great idea Rarie,” I say. “I actually know of this one guy who lives in downtown that always does these missions with a time lord pony.”
“And if he doesn’t tell us where they are,” says Cartman, “we should hold him hostage, and shoot him if he still doesn’t cooperate, just like in the movies. That'll be awesome!”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” exclaims Rarity. “That’s a horrific plan.”
“But baby,” says I, “This is a serious matter. I mean, those Elements aren't just stones-they're the only key for Equestria's survival! Plus, Celestia would approve of you six doing special missions. And besides, sometimes you gotta be bad to survive. This is one of those times.”
“Fine, I suppose so. But you gotta teach me how to use a gun.”
“Don’t worry, Imma do that. Cartman, stay inside and watch TV or whatever-and DON’T STEAL my weed this time!”
“Yeah sure, whatever,” he replies. Then Rarity and I go outside to the field part of my lawn. I pull out the revolver in my right hand and say to her, “Now take this one. She grabs it with her magic. “Okay, now what?” she says.
“So, you see these tiny metal things on the top of the gun?”
“Yeah, what about them?”
“Look closely at the farther one, but make sure you line them up with one of your eyes. That means close one eye, and look through them with another.” She figures out how to use her aim. “Okay,” she says, “what now?”
I think of something for her to shoot at. Then I realize that I’ve had my frozen coffee with me the whole time since I had bought it. I walk a fair distance away from Rarity, and set down my coffee on the grass. I take a few steps to the side, point to my drink and tell her, “Now align the sights with this coffee I’m pointing at.” So she does just that. Then I head back behind her, and when I get there, say, “Okay, now pull the trigger.”
Rarity pulls the trigger with her magic. Because of the loud gunshot noise, she yelps, jumps back, and drops the weapon. However, she manages to hit the cup of coffee and make it explode. “Perfect,” I say. “You did everything right. That is the exact shit I wanted you to do.”
However, Rarity has something different on her mind. “Holy crap!” she says. “This gun is loud as fuck. I don’t think I can handle using this.” She says the last sentence in a guilty manner.
“Don’t let that get in your way,” I tell her. “I can get you some earmuffs so you won’t be affected. Come inside.” I pick up the other gun.
“Please do,” says Rarity. “If you have any Chanel earmuffs that would be lovely.” So we head inside my room and grab a pair of black Chanel earmuffs. Rarity puts them on immediately after I grab them off the shelf. She does a few random poses and I say, “Haha, that’s cute. But let’s get going, okay?” We head out the door and I tell Cartman, “Eric, get off the TV. We’re going to that guy’s house right now.” He turns off the TV and gets up looking as if he doesn’t want to go. “Goddammit!” he says. “I was just about to see Cleveland fall out of his bathtub!” He follows me and Rarity into my garage.
I turn on the lights and tell the two, “Now hop in the Caddie again.”
“No dude, come on,” Cartman says, “Let's at least take the truck this time.”
“Nope. It’s better if we went out with more class for this specific trip.”
“Alright, alright. But I call dibs on shotgun!”
“In your dreams, child,” Rarity says. “Peter and I both know that I have to get the front seat when we ride together.”
“She’s right,” I say. “Cartman, get in the middle row.”
“Fucking Jews!” Cartman says all pissed off. So we hop in the Escalade, I start the engine, back out of the driveway, and we’re on our way. The drive is six miles from my rich neighborhood to the apartment near downtown Bronyapolis. Rarity and I talk on the way while Cartman plays Clash of Clans on his iPhone.
As we park next to the apartment, I turn towards the others and tell them, “Alright. This is our place. Rarity and I will take the guns and question this guy. Cartman stays back and watches over the Escalade.”
“Why do I have to watch out for your car? It’s a boring ass job.”
“But I’ll leave they keys in so you can listen to the radio and adjust the A/C. And keep the doors locked, of course.”
“Well…if you say so, I’ll stay.”
“Awesome. Let’s get to it, girl.” Rarity and I hop out, and as we walk to the door, she asks, “Dear baby, please carry my gun for me. I can’t bother to carry it myself until the time comes.”
“Of course,” I say, “why the hell wouldn’t I?” I cock one gun, which is for Rarity. Then we go inside the apartment, and head up in the elevator. I press the button for the fourth floor.
“So darling, what’s the name of the man that lives in this apartment?” Rarity asks.
“His name is Zach Kissov,” I say. “His grandparents were technology and science smarts in this secret human war called the Cold War. So he had those talents passed down to him, which pretty much allows him to do all these crazy adventures and shit with his time lord partner.”
"Ah I see. Wait a second-a secret war? Oh my Celesita! Nopony in Equestria would have ever thought of such thing. I'd like to see how that all started."
"Well girl-you see, there is a lot I'd have to explain to ya about the Cold War. But it's mostly about politics, which is boring stuff."
"Indeed. It would be very surprising if I were to ever talk about politics."
The elevator dings and the doors open. As we walk out the elevator and to the guy’s apartment room, I tell Rarity, “Now, when I give you the gun, only pull the trigger when I do so, and point the gun at whatever I’m pointing mine at. Just so things don’t get fucked up, you know what I’m saying?”
“Yes Pete, I understand,” she says. At this time, the two of us arrive at the door to Zach Kissov’s apartment room. “I’d rage like hell if it turns out he doesn’t have the Elements with him,” I say.
I knock on the door, and a random brony in the corner opens it for us. Apparently he’s Zach’s drug dealer, because he’s wearing a black hoodie and is holding a bag of cocaine. Kissov is lying on a couch across from us texting. He’s wearing jeans, glasses, a black bowl cut, and his shirt reads, “KEEP CALM AND HIDE THE EVIDENCE.” His time lord partner is a tan pony with a brown tail and mane. He’s sitting at a table eating some fast food.
So we come in the room and I tell the guys, “Hey, kids. How ya boys doin'?” The dealer closes the door.
Then Kissov slouches out of his couch a bit towards me. I come up to him, give him the "stop" signal with my hand, and say, "Hey, keep chillin'." Then I move my hand in an upward motion, pretty much meaning "keep just lying on your couch." So Kissov gets up and lies down on the couch again. Rarity trots to the kitchen and takes a look around it.
Then I turn to the time lord and say to him, “You know who we are? We’re associates of the Princess looking for the Elements of Harmony. You do remember when you and Kissov over here used them for a mission, don’t ya?”
The time lord didn’t answer, and instead looks up to his left. I continue, “Now I’m gonna take a wild guess here…" I point to him. "You’re Doctor Hooves, right?”
He pauses for a second. “Yeah, I am Doctor Whooves,” he replies with a debonair British accent.
“I thought so. You remember those Elements of Harmony, don’t ya Doctor?”
“I remember them.”
“Good. Yo, seems as if me and Rarity caught you boys at meal break. Whatcha havin'?”
“Hamburgers.”
“Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any healthy American meal. Where from?”
“Ah, Culver’s.”
“Culver’s, that’s that Wisconsin burger joint. I’ve heard they got some tasty burgers. Now I ain't ever had one of they burgers myself, how is one?”
"It's, it's very good."
"You mind if I try yours?"
“Yes sir, right ahead.” I slowly grab the burger and take a big bite out of it. I happen to enjoy the taste and say, “Hmmmm. This is a tasty burger.” Then I point to Whooves’ drink and ask him, “What’s in this?”
“Mountain Dew.”
“Mountain Dew, good. You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?”
“Yeah, sure.” So I grab the soda and drink all the Mountain Dew that’s left. I set the cup down and say, “Ahhh. That hit the spot.” Then I turn to Zach and ask him, “You-Kissov, know why we’re here?”
Kissov nods his head. I continue, “Won't you tell my girl Rarity, where you’ve got that shit hid.”
The drug dealer says, “It’s over there, it's-“
I swiftly turn to him and yell, “I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GODDAMN THING!” The dealer freezes and stares at me out of shock. Then I turn back to Zach and ask him, “You were sayin’?”
“It’s in the cupboard,” Kissov says. He points to the cupboard in the kitchen. Rarity uses her magic to open the cabinet, and pulls out a black briefcase with a Post-It-Note stuck to it that says “Elements of Harmony.” She puts the briefcase on the counter and says, “The Elements of Harmony! Glad to see them once again.” Next she opens the briefcase, because it’s already set to the unlocking code (420). Sadly, instead of the Elements lying perfectly in the briefcase, there is only a note at the bottom of the case that says “I.O.U.” Rarity’s face turns from happy to confused, combined with a bit of sadness.
“They in there?” I ask.
“I’m afraid not,” says Rarity. “All I found was an I.O.U.”
Doctor Whooves says nervously, “Look, I'm sorry. Ah, I didn't get your name. I know your girl’s-Rarity, right? But I never got yours.”
I unkindly tell him, “My name’s Wiz, and your ass ain’t talking your way out of this shit.”
Whooves says, “No...I just want you to know, how-” I give him the “stop” signal with my hand, and he shuts up. Though a few seconds later he continues, "I just want you to know, how sorry we are, that-that things got so fucked up between us and the Elements.” While he’s talking, I slowly pull out my 9mm and casually, blindly point it at Kissov. “Zach and I constantly travel into time periods and dimensions to fight various monsters, and we only had so little time, really. I never, in-”
I shoot the gun aimed at Kissov, barely missing him. He turns around just in time, and he tries to calm down, but appears to be having a spaz attack. Doctor Whooves whimpers and shakes, afraid I would kill him.
“On, I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?” I tell the Doctor.
Doctor Whooves continues to shake and pant.
“I didn't mean to do that, please," I tell him. "Continue. You were saying something about ‘so little time?’ What’s the matter?”
But Doctor Whooves is too scared to speak. So I continue, “Oh-oh, you were finished? Oh well allow me to retort.” I stare closer at the Doctor and ask him, “What does the case of the Elements of Harmony look like?”
“What?” the doctor says anxiously.
Now I get furious and flip his table. I yell, “WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU FROM?”
“Wha-what?” anxiously says the Doctor.
“‘WHAT' AIN'T NO COUNTRY I'VE EVER HEARD OF. DO THEY SPEAK ENGLISH IN WHAT?”
“What…?”
“ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?”
“Yes!”
“THE YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?”
“Yes!”
“DESCRIBE WHAT THE ELEMENTS CONTAINER LOOKS LIKE!”
“What? I-”
I draw my gun on him and yell, “SAY ‘WHAT’ AGAIN. SAY. ‘WHAT.’ AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE-DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! SAY 'WHAT' ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!”
Whooves starts to pant and he says, “It’s…it’s wooden!”
“GO ON!”
Whooves pants some more. “And gold!” he says.
“Does it look like a chest?”
“Wha-what?”
I shoot the Doctor in his shoulder. I slowly yell, “DOES IT LOOK LIKE A CHEST?”
In a higher-than usual voice, the Doctor screams, “NOOOO!” Then I ask him, “Then why you gotta lose it like a bitch, Whooves?”
He spasms and says, “I didn’t!”
“YES, YOU DID. YES, YOU DID, WHOOVES! Your ass lost them. The Elements of Harmony don’t like to be lost by anybody except…nopony. You read the Bible, Doctor?”
“Yes…!”
“Now there’s this passage I got memorized; seems appropriate for this certain situation. Heads up, Rarity!” I pull out my other gun and toss it to her. She catches it with her magic and aims at Doctor Whooves. “Ezekiel 25:17,” I tell Whooves. I walk around while saying the verse.
“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison, and destroy my brothers. AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD, WHEN I LAY THY FINGERS UPON THEE!”
I aim my 9mm at Doctor Whooves, who is shrieking like hell. Me and Rarity shoot him a total of eight times, which kills him. While we were shooting him, the dealer drops to the floor, and Kissov starts to cry. After we shoot the Doctor, Rarity and I leave the apartment room without saying a word. She also gives me my gun back as we walk out.
Just after we leave and close the door, Zach Kissov, who’s still panting, says to the dealer, “Don’t worry, they didn’t kill him. The Doctor always reincarnates.”
As we walk toward the door we had first entered, Rarity says, “Boy that was some rather brutal stuff.”
“I know,” I reply. “But as I said earlier, sometimes you gotta be bad to get what you need. Now hop in.” So she gets in shotgun, and I get in driver’s seat, then I start the engine. As I adjust my rearview mirror, in it I see Cartman duct-taped to his seat. His mouth is also duct-taped. I get immediately shocked, and say, “HOLY FUCK!” and swiftly turn towards him. Then Rarity turns towards him, and she screams.
“Cartman?” I ask. “What happened?”
His voice muffles through the piece of duct-tape, so we can’t understand what he’s saying. Then I say, “Okay, do exactly what I’m about to do.” I open my mouth wide, bite down quickly, pretend to eat, and spit. So he does exactly that. He bites down on the piece of tape, gets it in his mouth, and spits it out. Then I say, “Good, now what happened? I thought I locked this thing.”
Cartman says, “Oh God. I was just chilling on my iPhone, minding my own business, when your baby blue friend-”
Rainbow Dash quickly pops out of the back seat and shoved her hoof into his mouth. She gives me and Rarity a sinister look and says, “Your sorry ass forgot to lock the trunk door.” That confuses and pisses me off at the same time.
Rarity gets angry and tells Rainbow, “You will not get away with this, Dash! He’s mine tonight!”
“But I’m Rainbow fucking Dash! I can do anything with my sheer agility.”
“Anything?” Rarity says condescendingly. She unlocks the car and opens Cartman’s car door. Then she picks up Rainbow Dash. “Uh, what’s happening? Put me down!” says Rainbow. Then Rarity tosses her out to the sidewalk and slams the door as quickly as she could, and yells, “Drive! Drive!” So I slam my foot on the accelerator and we’re off.
At this moment, Rainbow Dash gets up and shakes her head. She has bruises on her left legs and left side of her face. She turns toward the direction the Escalade is headed, and catches a glimpse of it driving off. She snarls and flies after us.
Back in the SUV, I say, “Well, that was a lucky shot. If we didn’t think of that, we’d be fucked right now.”
“No worries,” Rarity says. “Let’s just safely drive back home and do what we do best.” She puts her left front leg around and relaxes me.
But I look into the rear view mirror for a second time, and catch Rainbow flying towards us. I yell, “Shit!” and pound my fist on the dashboard. This annoys Rarity and she asks me, “Oh, what could it possibly be now?”
“Look in the back window,” I answer. So she looks back, and when she sees RD, she facehoofs and worriedly says, “Awww, noo!”
To make matters worse, Cartman says, “Man. I’ve been in a car for a long time, and had a hard time breathing when I was taped up. I need some fresh air.” So he takes off his tape, and rolls down the window. Rarity and I yell, “CARTMAN, DON'T!” but his ignorance of Rainbow Dash on our tail allowed him roll the window all the way down. “What’s the big deal?” he says. “I’m just getting some nice air.”
When Rainbow sees Cartman rolling down his window, she flies faster and catches up on Cartman’s side of the car. Then she gets near the open window, and Cartman sees her and says, “Holy crap! How the hell did you get here?” Rainbow giggles, and she jumps through the window into the SUV. She hits the other middle door, and lands on the seat next to it. Rarity sees this and says “No!” in agony and starts to cry. I get the feeling that I’m done for.
“So guys,” Rainbow says sinisterly as she gets up, “les jeux sont faits. Translation: the game is up. All your asses are mine.” She pulls out the following items: the belt she had worn earlier in the story-but this time has chains attached to it, a truncheon, and the fragrance she had purchased from the salon earlier. Then she sprays that fragrance in the air so the vehicle smells like it. Cartman hates the smell, as he coughs and asks me, “Peter, where did this bitch come from? Her perfume smells like swamp ass!”
“You’re close chubby,” says Rainbow, “it does smell like ass. But it really smells like Pete’s ass. My favorite smell in the world.”
Cartman screams as if he were in pain from the perfume. I say to him, “That’s on you, Eric. We warned you not to roll up the window.”
Now Rainbow turns towards me and says, “Oh, Peter. How could I not forget about you! Come on, let’s bond a little shall we?”
Now I’m scared as shit. I know she will perform S&M acts on me, and now that’s imminent. Because I’m the driver, and the only thing I should have my eyes on is the road, so I couldn’t fight back. I sweat from nervousness.
So she gets behind my chair, and seductively says, “So boy, are you a good driver? A safe driver?” She continues to talk seductively for the time she’s here.
“Not really,” I say timidly. “I usually speed and-OW!” RD had just hit me in the upper right leg with the truncheon.
“Bullshit!” she says. “Drive at the speed you normally would.” The last speed limit sign I had saw is 35, and I’m going 43 now. So I stay at that speed, or Rainbow would hit me again.
But she does, and not just once. Her control over me does not stop. As we come to a crossroads, she asks, “Do you turn here often?”
“Yes,” I say.
“Righty tighty or lefty loosey?”
“Right.”
“Well, turn left.”
“But I’m in the right turn lane-AH!” Dash this time slaps me on the right hip with her front hoof. “I don’t care,” she says. “And as your master, you must obey my orders! Turn left!” So I turn left on the crossing road via the right turn lane. Then she says, “So, did that good ass slap get you in the mood?”
“I don’t understand why it would,” I reply.
“You’re terrible,” says Rainbow. “Really, really terrible. I’ll be waiting for some joy as soon as this gets you.” She puts the belt on me around my neck, the one with two links of chains attached.
Rarity has not stopped crying since RD had flown in from Cartman’s window. And when she sees the collar with links on me, she stops crying and starts getting into rage mode. So he tells Rainbow, “DASH! Eyes on me!”
“What is it, Ms. Single?” she replies.
“You know, how do you think it would feel if all this same exact shit was used against YOU? You would probably feel the same way Pete is right here!”
“Shut the fuck up! Sticks and stones may break my bones, smacks and chains however-get me pumped up!” She pulls the chains on the collar, and chokes me for a few seconds. Rarity screams. When Rainbow hears that scream, she says, “Oh, you like it huh? Well in that case, I’ll choke him every ten seconds, starting now.” She tugs on the chains again. “Oh yeah! I’m really loving this!”
Rarity has had enough. So she thinks about how she could get rid of Rainbow Dash, and successfully sleep with me when we get back to my house. She also knows it has to be done ASAP, because Rainbow is only gaining more control over me. While she thinks about a plan, she thinks about me and looks at me out of sadness. But as she does this, she notices one of the revolvers sticking out my right pocket. She slips it out with her magic, and taps me on the shoulder with it. As I look at the 9mm trapped inside a purple cloud, and look at Rarity. “You’ll need this,” she says. Then she drops it on my lap.
I ask her, “But how will I-” I cough from Rainbow choking me. “How will I be able to use this right without breaking something?”
“Open the skylight window, and aim through the open space it makes,” Rarity says.
So I press the button on the stereo that opens the panoramic roof, and it opens. Then I pick up my revolver. But just as I get a grip of the weapon, Rainbow chokes me again; my arm waves in the air and lose grip of my gun. Luckily, my thumb and middle finger keep a grip on it the whole time.
When the choking stops, I immediately regain full grip of it. I aim it at the sky exposed by the open skylight. I smile out of confidence, and pull the trigger. The noise does not affect either me or Rarity. It affects Cartman, but in a positive way. He reacts by closing his eyes and jumping up, but while smiling cause he's always wanted to hear a gun.
As for Rainbow Dash, she had never heard a gunshot in her life, nor had she ever seen a gun. It’s fierce noise and loud sound changes her mood right away from seductive to freaked the fuck out. She loses grip of those chains she chokes me with. She looks out all of the windows for any potential threats to her. When she finds none, she gets very anxious and says, “Uh guys, does anyone know what that was?”
Cartman says, “It’s-”
“I don’t really know,” I say in an honest tone. “But it sure sounds dangerous. It must not be safe to be down here on the ground.” Rarity and Cartman don’t react.
“Then I have got to retreat to Cloudsdale. Lucky for me, those intruders won’t even look there,” says Rainbow. She removes the collar from my neck, grabs the truncheon and perfume, and then flies at her racing speed out of Cartman’s window, still rolled down.
As soon as Rainbow is too far to hear us, Cartman exclaims, “Holy shit! What a relief!” He also rolls up his window.
While he goes back to playing Clash of Clans right away, Rarity of course is pretty joyous. She screams “YAY!” while throwing her front legs in the air. “Peter!” she says, “You are a hero!” She’s shedding some tears and hugs me.
“Love you too,” I say, “but please take it easy cause I’m still driving.”
“Oh yes,” she says, “I just can’t contain myself, dear. HahahaHA! I’ll let the radio calm myself down.” She turns on the stereo, and she turns it to a DJ talking. After he does a little more talking, he plays the song Diamonds by Rihanna.
“Goddammit!” exclaims Cartman. “This song is always on the radio.”
“Shut up!” I tell him. “This song is wonderful. Because it reminds me of,” I turn to Rarity with a smile on my face, “you.”
“That’s so true!” she happily says. She gives me a kiss on the cheek. “Now we just listen to this song in peace, and head back home for the fun.”
"Anything you put ya mind to put ya grind to Forgetful ass nigga, must I remind you Men do what they want, boys do what they can And it ain't no secret, I'm a grown ass man" -Jay "Young Jeezy" Jenkins from "Sky's the Limit" off of Let's Get It: Thug Motivation 101, 2005
After I pull into the garage and turn the SUV off, I turn into my pony self again. Cartman notices me sitting in the driver’s seat and wonders if unicorns could drive. As we get out, he asks me, “Dude, it would be cool if you drove a car using your little horn. Can you?”
“Nope,” I reply, “cars are designed for humans, not ponies so…”
“Actually,” Rarity says, “Applejack has a tractor on her fields.”
“Well Cartman, I guess I can drive looking like this.”
“Awesome. Let me see you do it. Are you any good?”
“Nah, I’m not in the mood. I just walked in the house, man. Besides, Rarity and I need some alone time, okay?”
“Are you two gonna make some loooooove?”
“NO Eric, we’re not having sex. We just want to chill in my bed. Now just go sit down in the living room and watch TV or something.”
Cartman sighs. “Okay, I’ll calm down,” he says. He goes to lie down on the couch in the living room and turns it to HBO, while Rarity and I walk into my bedroom.
Now in my room, it’s just us. Me and Rarity. But things didn’t start out so calm, because she asks me, “Petey, why did you tell Cartman we’re not-”
“Shhhhh…” I whisper. “Just wait here a second.” I turn the lights on and pull the window blinds down. “Of course we will,” I continue to whisper. “But he should not know about this because I know he might somehow catch us doing this. He is a very clever prick.”
Rarity smiles, closes her eyes halfway, and slowly approaches toward me. She says, “Do you know who else is a clever prick?”
“Who?” I reply.
“You, babe!” she answers with a little more enthusiasm. Then she sticks her face closer to me. “You are sooooo clever,” at this point she puts her front legs around my neck, “and suuuuch a prick, but you fox cannot escape me, huh?"
I start noticing her seductive moves, and start acting similarly. “I am a clever prick,” I say as my put my front legs around her. “And you're more of a fox than I am-don't fool me!”
I slowly lift her into my bed, then I trot to the side of my bed and stop right next to her. She looks at me and says, “I’m waiting for your tricks, boy.” So the first thing I do is take off all my clothes from hat to shoes, while she takes off her earmuffs. Then I hop on and lay right next to her. I put her lips against hers, and we proceed to French kiss. While we do so, I reach for my iPod and play Make Me Proud by Drake and Nicki Minaj over my stereo. It gets her in the mood and she feels me between the legs until I do. She quickly gets me ready.
“Alright,” says Rarity, “get your rubber on, sexy.” So I reach through my pillowcase, which is where I like to keep them. After I put it on, I say, “Now let me show you my final trick, girl.”
Meanwhile in the living room, Cartman’s still resting on the couch watching HBO. While he doesn’t hear us talking or Make Me Proud, he does hear us when we moan. That immediately catches his attention. He opens his eyes wide out of shock, and laughs for the next half minute. Then he pulls out his phone and opens the Voice Memos tool. He hits record, and says into the mic, “Yep. It’s Rarity of the Mane Six, and that beautiful pony Peter LeShay having sex.” He giggles, then lays the smartphone down on a round table so he can record the sounds we’re making while watching TV. Then he goes back to watching HBO.
A couple minutes later, somebody knocks on the front door. Rarity and I don’t hear it, but Cartman does. He gets up and opens the door to see who's there. Well, it’s Princess Celestia. Cartman, not knowing who she is, just causally says to her, “Yes?” rather than bowing down to her and calling her “majesty” or something. He also does not pause his recording.
“Hello little human,” says Celestia. “Is Peter in this house? He must report to Canterlot immediately.”
She and Cartman hear Rarity moan more often and louder, then scream. He smiles and says, "Uh...heheheh."
Celestia makes an awkward gesture and says, “Well. Shit.”
Cartman laughs hysterically. He says, “Hell yeah! That was the funniest thing ever! Wasn’t it?”
“I suppose,” says Celestia. “But I have never been involved in such situations. I’m pretty hurt by this.”
“Aw, get out of here! You know you’ve gotta get a laugh from this stuff. There’s no need to be like a scary little bitch.”
Two of Celestia’s guards rush into the house and point spears in front of him. They and Celestia give Cartman angry looks. “You puny fool!” says the princess, “Do you know who I am?”
Cartman's really scared and shocked. He gulps afraid he might be speared and says, “No.”
“I am Princess Celestia. Supreme ruler of all Equestria! How dare you refer to me as such?”
He yells in agony, “I am terribly sorry, your majesty! I didn’t know who you were!” and almost cries.
Celestia rolls her eyes and tells her guards, “Fine. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Boys, leave him alone.” The guards retreat to Celestia’s carriage in my front lawn. Cartman sighs out of relief.
Rarity and I come out of my room in cheetah-print robes, and we still have tears in our eyes from the sex. We lie down in front of Celestia and pay respect to her. Celestia says, “Hello, guys. Please dress up. You two are report to my castle A.S.A.P.”
“Yes your highness,” says Rarity.
“And Peter,” continues the princess, “please shows up as a pony.”
“Yes ma’am,” I say. Then Celestia leaves. “Wait here,” I tell Rarity as I head back to my bedroom.
Then she turns to Cartman and asks, “So, why did Celestia get mad at you?”
“Oh, for no fucking reason,” he snares. “She freaked out all because I called her a bitch.”
“Well Cartman,” Rarity says, “she is the supreme ruler of all Equestria. You could have been hauled to the royal jail for that kind of stuff.”
“Damn. You just made it more intense than I thought it would be.”
I come out of my room in a tailored tuxedo and pink bowtie. Rarity looks at me in my outfit and squees. She says, “Hello, Mr. Handsome. Now if you could escort me to my house that would be twice as lovely. I gotta look that good too, ya know.”
“Of course Rari,” I say. “Okay, everyone get in the Bimmer.” Cartman stops the recording while the two of us head to the car, so we don't see him doing that. Then we hop in and I drive Rarity up to her house. She heads in it, and comes out in red heels, black pants, a white fur coat, a big black belt, and a brown Louis Vuitton handbag. When she gets back in the car I say, “Awesome choice. You’re dazzling.”
“Oh dear, it isn’t anything,” she says. “Now take us to Canterlot. The princess is waiting.” So I drive the over to Canterlot. ********************************************************************************
When Rarity, Cartman, and I arrive at the castle doors, three colts in suits approach us; one for the each of us. They take us to different parts of the castle, which is filled with Equestrian citizens from all over: Ponyville, Manehattan, Fillydelphia, Bronyapolis, etc. In the middle is a walkway leading from the doors to Celestia and her throne.
Rarity is brought to the front row, meeting up with with the Mane Six, Spike, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. They’re all also dressed up, but not like her and closer to their gala dresses.
Cartman is taken to the far end of the fifth closest row to the doors on the left. To his left are Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Butters in a cage. They all stare at Cartman in surprise, and walk up closely to see him. The four are still gray from Discord’s spells. Stan says, “Cartman, where the hell have you been?”
Cartman asks, “Why do all of you guys look gray? The fuck happened to you?”
“Nothing happened to us,” says Butters. “This is how we’ve always been.”
Kyle turns to Butters and says, “Dude, you’ve been acting weird all day. Can you please be quiet? Because I want to pray in peace.”
Butters gives Kyle an angry look and says, “I have not been acting weird. You’re just trying to brainwash everyone about how the Bible stories took place in America!”
“I am not!” Kyle angrily says. “Joseph Smith’s all truth. He’s in no way evil!”
“You tell fucking lies!” backfires Butters, as he starts hitting Kyle. Kenny gets in between the two and wards Butters off from Kyle. Since Kenny’s still gay, he gets an erection from the male bodies.
Cartman sees everything his friends are doing. At some points he giggles, but other times he gets greatly shocked. He seriously wonders what had happened to them and why they’re acting so opposite to their personalities.
When my usher recognizes me, he smiles and says, “Ah, you’re the man of the hour!” I appear confused. The usher rushes to Celestia and tells her, “Your highness, the hero is here!”
“Very well then,” Celestia says. She turns to the trumpet band and tells them, “He’s here. Start playing.”
The ponies blow their trumpets as the usher heads back toward me. Everypony and everybrony in the stands shuts up. When the usher comes to me, he says, “Follow the guards, if you will.” Two guards, one to my left and another to my right, walk up the aisle. I follow them at their pace, while the crowd looks at and gives me a round of applause, cheers, etc. I know that they’re cheering on me, but I don’t know what for. So I just smile awkwardly and look at the crowd as I walk up the aisle.
As I approach the steps in front of Celestia’s throne, the guards hold their spears in front of me, and I stop. Then Celestia yells out to the whole crowd, “Silence!” The crowd shuts up. She continues to say, “Today, we honor a young colt who has saved all of Equestria from complete destruction. He did something no pony ever had the courage nor skills to do: he assassinated Discord!” The crowd cheers again. “So now, on behalf of me, my sister, and the citizens of Equestria, we would like to honor the brony Peter LeShay with one of the highest awards we can give to an Equestrian citizen: the Royal Medal of Heroism!”
A guard gives Celestia the medal. It’s ribbon is red and it’s a gold star with a sapphire sword engraved on it. Then Celestia puts the medal around my neck. I shake hooves with her, then turn around and face the audience with my front legs up. The trumpets play again, while the audience does another round of cheering. Some of the female ponies scream and say such things as, “I love you, Pete!” The press takes photographs of me for the newspapers. I shed tears all this time until Celestia speaks again in two minutes. “Silence!” she yells again, quieting the crowd again.
The princess gives another speech: “This is a huge moment in Equestrian history: the death of Discord. The last time he reappeared, I thought for sure he was done. But now, his death is legit.”
Then with her magic, she changes the stain-glass window of the Mane Six turning Discord back into stone into me as my mare shooting him to death. Twilight Sparkle is not impressed by her clique taken down from the window. She raises her hoof and says loud enough for the princess to hear, “Excuse me, majesty!”
She turns to her and says, “Yes, Twilight?”
“I’m just saying, me and my friends deserve a spot on that window. I know that Pete is dreamy and all, but to take off one of your most faithful student’s greatest works is an abomination!” The crowd gasps.
“Okay, okay. I know what you ponies can do. Guards, please bring me the Elements of Harmony.” Then the crowd cheers once again.
“The Elements were in the castle all along? What?” exclaims Rarity.
“Oh crap!” says Twilight. “It just hit me-girls,” she says to Rarity and the remainder of the Mane Six, “After we used them to stop Discord, they were locked up in a safe deep inside this castle. Its location has been kept a secret to everypony except those who live here.”
Soon after Twilight speaks, the guards come back with the Elements in their chest and give them to Celestia. “Alright Twilight,” she says, “Have you and your friends come up here.” The Mane Six heads up to Celestia, and bow down in front of her as she gives the ponies their Elements. “Girls, use the power of the Elements of Harmony to fix all the destruction that has been caused by Discord.”
“Okay ponies,” says Twilight, “you heard her. Do that thing and make Equestria the perfect place again.”
So in front of the whole audience and the princess, they form their sphere with the Elements, and release a purple beam that travels to the ends of Equestria. It rebuilds the destroyed buildings in Ponyville, regrows the burnt tress in Apple Acres, frees the Apple family, brings Fluttershy’s pets back to life, makes things and animals back to the way they were before, and turns Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny back to their normal selves and egos.
A guard walks to their cage and lets the boys go. They happily jump out the cage towards Cartman and look at each other. “Holy shit!” says Stan. “I’m back.”
“So is everyone else!” says Kyle. “It’s great to be ourselves again.”
“Fellas! We’re alive!” says Butters. “Group hug!” They all get into a circle together and group hug. Cartman, when he realizes he’s hugging Kyle, backs off and says, “Oh, nonono! There is no way I’m hugging you, Kyle!”
Stan says unimpressed, “And Cartman, you’re back too.” Cartman smiles.
When the Mane Six comes down, Celestia congratulates them by saying, “Very good job, girls. Just look at the window!” She points to the stain-glass window showing me killing Discord, and it also shows the Mane Six using the Elements of Harmony to put back together Ponyville, being displayed as partially destroyed.
“Now that’s more like it, princess,” says Twilight, pleased with the new design. The crowd cheers once more in response to her.
“I’d say,” says Pinkie Pie, “If we were off there for good, I’d be all like,” she rolls her eyes, sticks out her tongue, shakes her head, and screams all simultaneously. The Mane Six and Celestia laugh. Then she says, “Now ponies, please head back to Peter’s house. I would like to talk to you all there. As for you Peter, take home those boys you brought along with you. They are in this crowd somewhere.”
“As you wish, Princess,” I say. ********************************************************************************
Back at my house, I, the Mane Six, Spike, Celestia, and the boys all stand in my front lawn. Celestia says to us all, “Now as most of you know, I usually ask Twilight or one of her friends to give me a lesson they learned at the end of the day, but since you all got involved in and resolved one huge mess, it seems as if you all need to tell something you learned. So what do you have to say, ponies and boys?”
We all think about this crazy situation for one minute. I’m the first to stop thinking and start talking and say, “I think our lack of respect caused all this to happen. All of us took action against somebody else, and all these encounters led to something worse.”
“I agree,” says Stan. “When disrespect is brought up, it not only leads to some chaos. But the person disrespecting is being ignorant of the fact that there may be something he or she thinks is awesome about that person.”
“Yes,” continues Kyle. “Ignorance can be bliss, but it can also be used as the wrong kind of strength. Strength that burdens people into isolation they never want nor deserve.”
“I also want to say something about these kids when I first met them,” I say. “I am lucky as hell to be the person I am, while loving something society says thy shall not. Other bronies can become productive and famous like me. They just have to figure out their real interests and talents, then set up some life priorities so they can go switch their style up, after that work hard in their field, which pays off. They'll earn great success, and watch the money pile up.”
“Wow gentlemen,” Celestia says, “that is amazing of you to learn lessons like that. I must say, this is one of my favorite lessons I’ve been told, especially that it’s not Twilight telling me these things.”
“Oh dear Princess,” Twilight whines, “Can you please give me a free pass on this week where I don’t have to tell you a lesson?” The animals and I stare at her.
Celestia sighs and rolls her eyes. “Yes, Twilight,” she says. “You’re fine. You clearly won’t be cast away from Equestria. Now just enjoy the moment.”
“Sorry,” Twilight says while calming herself down. I and the other ponies laugh.
“By the way,” the princess continues, “does anybody or anypony else have something to confess?”
Kyle is the first to respond. He says to me, “Pete. I am very sorry for tasing your neighbors. I wouldn’t think a gang full of pussy nerds would include a young James Bond who’s hard-working and listens to rap all day.”
“Hey man,” I say, “it’s all cool. Cause now you know the potential anyone can have without being famous from ways like Justin Bieber or Paris Hilton.”
“Oh man,” says Stan somberly. “Fluttershy, I must greatly regret killing your pets so much. I don’t know how to pay you back.” He leans on her and starts crying.
Fluttershy walks over to Stan and says, “Now, now, little human.” She puts her front leg around him. “Me and my pony friends brought them back to life.”
When Rainbow Dash recognizes these moments, she says, “Hey Peter, now I cannot believe I forced you into doing S&M. You see, I just think too much for myself sometimes and it gets out of hand. I owe you and Rarity one huge ass apology. I was just so stupid-I knew you didn’t like it.”
“Hey Rainbow,” I say.
“What?”
“You and me. Two nights from now. Whatchya say?”
Rainbow approaches and hugs me. She emotionally answers “Yes!” and it’s muffled because her mouth’s on my shoulder.
“Well, I better leave you guys for your emotional moments,” Celestia says. She gets in her carriage and flies away. Twilight notices her take off first and yells, “Bye Princess!” The rest of us wave at her with Twilight. After that, we group hug.
“Congratulations, Petey!” says Rarity. “All of Equestria will remember you for good. Not just as an elite brony, but also a hero to our land!” We hug and kiss.
A couple seconds later, Cartman says, “So, is this all over? I just want to head back home, eat Taco Bell and play video games."
“But what about the Fellowship of the Ring project, Eric?” Butters asks.
“Oh shit, that too. But how are we supposed to get home when we have no fucking transportation?” Eric breaks up the group hug, and we all stare at him for a moment. Then I say, “I mean, there's an Amtrak station a few miles down highway 39. I can buy you guys tickets.
“Dude,” says Cartman, “Thanks so much!”
“It's good, Eric. Where do yall live, by the way?”
“South Park, Colorado,” the boys say altogether.
“WOW. I always hear about crazy shit happening there. Anyway, you guys want to go back now?”
The five respond with things such as, “Yes, please! Get me out of here!” I roll my eyes and say, “Okay. You kids follow me to my SUV.” I lead the kids to the Escalade, and the ponies, boys, Spike, and I all exchange goodbyes while I’m doing so.
"Wait-Peter," says Celestia, "you will come to the after-gala at my castle at eight, right?"
"Of course your highness," I say. "Sure I'll be there in time."
Then I take the boys on one last ride in the Cadillac out to the station. While we were on the highway, the radio announcer says, “Also on TMZ.com, a very interesting audio that unveils Peter Leritz and his GF having sex; leading to a strange confrontation with a...princess?” I growl as soon as I hear that, and yell out to Eric, “CARTMAN! I TOLD YOU RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE-NOT TO RECORD ME AND MY BOO! Of course you had to be full of shit again!” All the boys, especially Cartman, laugh their asses off while I, all pissed off, drive them into the sunset.
