Very good for a first time writer!

I think it went a bit fast. I think Twilight's reaction to Rainbow groping herself should have been: *telekineticly pulls hoof away* "What on Equestria are you doing?!" Not immediately helping out. Remember, Twi's spent most of her live in a sheltered environment and the most she knows about sex she probably got from books.

Oh and, to make Lyra really jealous, she should have had hands.

dude this was your first! holy crap i am defanetly looking forward to future installments whether it be this story or another

That was awesome beyond awesome

Your right… it’s still nagging me

"You're"

She flopped back with a loud sigh. She had been pouring over books for the past few hours searching, desperately searching for…

I think that that would be "poring" in this case