The Steadfast Sky : Overcast Retribution
The Grey Potter
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/11495/The-Steadfast-Sky
http://cosmicponyfiction.tumblr.com
~Luna~
Half awake, half asleep. Everything made sense in a way that, later, doesn’t make any sense at all. I dreamed, stuffed between barrels, that I was being pressed in half. Folded up like paper. Smaller and smaller, safer and safer. Eventually I was just a little speck, a little speck that could easily be tucked away in a warm pocket. That’s eventually what happened, too. I realized I was being led off the cart, carried by other speck ponies and placed in a bed. Into the pocket where I belonged.
Discord wouldn’t stop gripping my hoof. Which was weird, because he was normal size (of course) how could he fit in my pocket? I guess my hoof didn’t fold up along with me. I was just a speck with one big leg.
And Celestia… I couldn’t see her, since it was dark in my pocket. But I could hear her. Talking and mumbling with another mare, somewhere nearby.
“Celestia…” The other mare said, “I haven’t seen you stop by my cart in ages, sweetie…”
“Been away,” Celestia replied.
“However did you wind up in the back of my apple cart?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Shining Apple said he didn’t see you or your friends get in the cart the whole ride. And you just drop on my doorstep, exhausted.” There was a small clattering sound. “Don’t you think you owe an old mare and explanation?”
“Apple-a-Day… You told me hundreds of stories about Equestria, about what’s out there… I always loved to stop and listen.”
A little laugh, like, ah-heh-heh-heh. “Yes, ever since you were just a little filly.”
“I never used to believe you. But they’re true. I know they’re true.”
The clatter of china, and a heavy weight hitting wood.
“Goodness Celestia, you left Canterbury?”
“We did. All three of us escaped, Apple-a-Day.”
“Then what in the world possessed you to come back?!”
A sharp intake of breath.“Well...”
“Celestia, dearest! You were out of this godforsaken place! Whatever crack you found in the wall, use it again, and run! Be free, child!”
“No, Apple-a-Day. We… uh…”
“Nothing in this city is worth returning for, believe you me!”
“Yes, it is worth returning for. We’re here to save everyone, Apple-a-Day. We’re… we’re here to.” Silence, followed by the hissing of a whisper.
“Sky above child! You can’t do that! You, what has possessed you?!”
“These are the Elements of Harmony, Apple-a-Day! Me, Luna, Discord… We’re all going to be Equestria’s next gods. We’ve come back to save the city, and all of Equestria along with it!”
For the longest time, only breathing. Occasionally, the clatter of a dish.
“You’re not pulling an old mare’s leg, are you?”
“No. I’m not.”
“What you’re saying is, well, I know I say some crazy things. But what has gotten into your head, child?”
“You must have heard of the Elements of Harmony. I showed you my storybook, didn’t I?”
“I know of the Elements. When I was your age…” China clicking together. “Well, that was when Magic and Generosity were around. When Canterbury wasn’t a prison” A low sigh, a long exhale. “But the Elements were lost! Or sealed, or, or certainly out of the hands of any average ponies!”
“Then my sister and I are not average ponies. You have to believe me. Or believe … I saw the sun on the day Discord retrieved Kindness. I knew then, I was going to bring that sun back to Equestria. And sure enough, I found a way. Believe me, Apple-a-Day. This is an Element. And we’re going to use them to take down the Shadow Stallion!”
Heavy breathing slowly fading away …
“Thanks for letting us sleep the day here, Apple-a-Day. But we’ve got to go. We’ve got to do this before sundown.”
“At least let me make you a little supper, darling. You can’t leave again without a nice warm meal tucked away. I won’t let you.”
“Thanks for your kindness, your generosity, Apple-a-Day.”
The scrape of metal on wood. Chopping, rhythmic.
“The Sun… And Luna too. The Moon.”
“Yes.”
For the longest time, chopping and scraping. The splash of water.
“I’m very proud of you, Celestia. And if your parents were here, they would be too. Now, rest dearest. Let me cook you some dinner.”
A deep breath and a long, long sigh. The fall of a weight. Then silence.
~Θ~
I sat in that pocket for a long time, trying to think like a piece of lint, wondering what would happen to me when it rained. Then a cold nose snuck into my pocket. Probably there to pick me up by my hoof. It nuzzled against my forehead, over my ear. Strange, how was the snout that small?
“Luna,” Celestia said quietly, “Luna. It’s time to wake up.”
“Huh?”
“Breakfast… Dinner is waiting.”
“Oh.”
It was almost like I was still dreaming. We were trapped in a little box room, a table taking up a whole quarter of it. Patternless blankets were draped on every wall, little black lines of stone peeking out from behind the cracks. It was almost like a really, really colorful prison cell. Except the door wasn’t locked and there were stairs running up the side of it.
I tried to stand, but my legs were numb. Sore and numb. I had been sleeping on straw, but it wasn’t much. Just standing up, my hoof hit stone with a pretty loud CLACK. Straw stuck to my tummy, and it itched a little. I went to scratch it, and Discord’s paw fell off my foot. Fwump, to the ground.
I followed his arm, and saw him in front of me, flopped on his stomach on his own little pile of straw. He blinked up at me, barely awake. The bags under his eyes looked puffy and swollen, like two fat bruises.
“Goo-morn-evenin’…” He mumbled, rubbing his forehead into the floor, horns clicking as they hit the floor. “Uhg… where are we?”
“I unno. Somewhere where we’re not dead?”
Discord’s face flipped up. Now he kind’ve looked sick.
“We’re with a friend of mine.” Celestia stood beside me. I dunno how long she was there for. “We’re safe.”
“For now…”
“Oh, hush Discord.”
“No need to worry, young’uns.” A green mare, the mare with the voice from my half-dream walked up beside my sister. Her smile only had a few teeth left to it. “Though I don’t rightly know what to call you, little colt.” With a jolt, Discord yanked the covers back over himself.
“He won’t hurt you,” Celestia said quickly.
Apple-a-Day turned to smile warmly at my sister. “Why in the world would I think the child would hurt me?”
“Ah… No reason. Forget I said anything.”
Apple-a-Day gave my sister a little laugh, creakily trotting away. “Alright, young’uns. Hurry and wash up before dinner.”
I think I’m awake. But maybe this is one of those dreams where you wake up and wonder why you ever thought stuff was real. I sat down on a pillow at the table after we washed our little hooves, and we drank some carrot and celery soup with the green earth pony mare. There were no spoons or anything to drink the soup, so I had to hold the bowl the Earth Pony way, sip it from my forelegs. Is that the Earth Pony way? Or is that just what my sleepy brain has convinced me is the Earth Pony way?
It’s all very confusing…
But the soup was warm and filling, so I drank it. I think I was hungrier than I felt, because it went too quick, leaving me feeling warm. All the aches in my body becoming pronounced in the heat.
“Goodness, do I have a pack of ponies on my hands, or a pack of ravenous pups?” Apple-a-Day chuckled, “You all went right through that soup! Well…” She turned away, went and opened a little metal box by a small fireplace stove. Carefully, she reached in and pulled out a little wooden plate. “Anypony want some dessert?”
In front of me, three flaky little rolls sat. Their tops were split open, a bright red filling glistening through the tan crust. I hovered the dessert over, a little line of crumbs following in its wake. I bit in… Soft, crunchy, with a melty-hot center, too sweet and a little bit sour. Cherries. When was the last time I had cherries? A sort of cream mixed with the cherry filling, and, and—
“What is this?” Discord squeaked, “What is this stuff?”
“A cherry and cream cheese Danish,” Celestia said softly.
“Um…” I looked over to him. He looked stunned, staring down at the half-eaten pastry. “Is it bad?”
“It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever tasted.”
“Oh!”
Discord swiped his paw across his eyes, sniffing once before wolfing down the rest of the pastry in three bites. Still chewing, he licked at his paws, eying the crumbs still left on the table.
“Thank you, Apple-a-Day,” Celestia said. “The soup and the Danish were delicious.”
“Come back any time. All of you.” Apple-a-Day’s smile was broad, nodding to each of us in a slow turn. “Whenever you’d like.”
“We will, Apple-a-Day.” Celestia nodded, “Maybe we’ll make you dinner sometime.”
My sister sat quietly for a moment, smiled, then returned to her stoic stare.
~Θ~
“This way,” Discord mumbled.
We were following Discord now. Celestia kept trying to walk in pace with him, skittering forward sometimes, then falling back, glancing down at him. It was a struggle to keep up, but I didn’t ask to slow down. I didn’t feel like slowing down. None of us did. We were lucky. Nobody would stare at three little ponies in a hurry. It was the hour where all the ponies were trying to get where they’re going, glancing at the sky and occasionally breaking into a nervous gallop.
Celestia was a little winded by the time Discord stopped. He took a deep breath, glanced around the street, and ducked into the alley.
“Luna!” he squeaked, “Shadows.” He didn’t need to tell me twice. I hurried forward, helping him pull the shadows around all of us as we snuck down that alleyway. Really down, like a ramp descending further and further into the dark.
“We have to go down before we go up,” Discord mumbled. “Luna. Celestia… stick close to me. And whatever you see, don’t, don’t scream.”
We froze. Even Discord. He knew what was down there, and even he didn’t want to go. Celestia made a small squeaking sound.
“Luna can take care of that,” he mumbled. “Your sonic magic. Take away the sound. Do it.”
“Oh.” I frowned, trying to remember how it went again. Last time I had just… tried to throw away my voice, since the griffin could hear it? I tried to focus on that idea, horn and Element glowing.
It was like night out in the snow again. My spell muffled everything, most importantly our footsteps. I hadn’t noticed just how much we were jittering in place until the clicks of our hooves were gone. Discord turned to me, opened his mouth and tried to talk, but there was nothing. Or, maybe a something. Far, far away.
He nodded, readjusted the shadows around us, and began slowly walking forward. I snuck up behind my sister, grabbed the hem of her cloak in my mouth. She looked back, then did the same with Discord’s cloak. We descended a little quicker, in a silent single file.
There was one tight corner, just one turn further down in a sharp ‘u’. Discord rounded it first. From him, I heard the distant echo of a squeal.
There, down at the bottom of the road. An opening, a big opening. And sitting under the arch of it, half covered by shadows, was a beast. Heavy, huge, body like a lion. Head speckled red like it was rusting. Two horns scraped at the ceiling above it, one massive claw picking at its yellowed fangs. Its eyes flashed, reflective like Discord’s. It was an entire monster like Discord. An actual, adult Draconequus.
Celestia’s cloak tugged me forward, and I almost fell. I felt the shadows snapping away behind me. I tugged them back in place. He can’t see us. He can’t, nothing can. Even things that have shadow magic can’t see us. But it felt like, at any second, the Draconequus would look up and—
He glanced our way, and Celestia tugged me forward harder.
We went right up beside him, pressed against the wall and edging past his humongous body. Massive shoulders far, far over our heads, deep growl resounding from his body. That close, I could see his six-foot ribs shift as he breathed. I could see his skin almost spill over the ground, loose on his body. I could smell him, and smelled wrong, horrible. Like filthy fur. Like a dead dog. Like hot trash, or more.
We crept by its massive purple tail, like a fat, exposed bruise. A tuft of tan fur flicked back and forth, yards upon yards behind the main body. I watched that tail, as it slowly slunk away, so far out of sight before it then came lazily rocking back. Discord tried to hurry us by, around another corner, into a dark tunnel. But I don’t know if he noticed the tail or not.
Because, as I tried to shove my sister forward, the fat tip of his tail lazily fell over my back, sliding to the ground with an all-too-loud ‘fwump.’
The beast stopped breathing.
The front of my cloak was yanked forward. My sister had spun around and was trying to pull me forward. The cloth yanked over my nose, pinching at the sides of my eyes. I tripped, landed in something wet, the splatter distant and muted. But what if he could hear it? He had huge ears, what if he heard us?!
I felt a hot gust behind me, a rotting stink, his breath, his breath right behind me, right behind me, right behind me rightbehindme!
We ran. Didn’t matter where, we ran. Barely concealed through barely-lit black corridors. Sound around us fading in and out. Didn’t stop until I heard Discord. Right in front of me, yet sounding so far away. Stop, he said.
And we did, all facing each other, all breathing heavily, suppressed and muffled.
“Okay,” Celestia said in a far-away voice, “Let’s all just calm down.”
“Ferrous,” Discord mumbled. “Why did it have to be Ferrous…”
“What? Who?” I asked.
“No. Nevermind.” He closed his eyes. Trying to breathe through his nose. “Let’s just keep going. Please.”
I nodded. Adjusted the shadows. Brushed away the excess sound. A little headache was starting in my forehead. Too much magic was coming from me. I ignored it. With a few more muted nods, we continued on.
It wasn’t long until we started going up on a slowly circling ramp. There were rarely any torches on the walls, and the few that existed had burned right out of their brackets. But that was good. Lots of shadows to hide in. But other things caught my attention. The whole place stank of dogs and body waste. Straw was scattered all over, clumped and wet along the wall’s edge. Sometimes, another huge Draconequus would wander by, or be lying in the middle of a corridor. We always held our breaths, moved forward at a snail’s pace. None were as big as the one by the entrance. But they all had that weird, lazy ease. Like big dogs or lions laying around. More like animals than anything smart like Discord.
A weird thought came to me then. Discord said we’d have to deal with the Draconequus once the Stallion was gone. And here we are, sneaking around, terrified of one just finding us. Could we really deal with these beasts with how we were now? Why are we doing this now, when we can’t deal with the problems we know we’ll cause? I thought, frantically, as the stench grew less and the Draconequus vanished… What are we doing here?
And yet, up we went. Higher and higher and higher. Discord led us as the corridors became filled with milling Griffins. Armored Pegasi milled about the groups, and laughed at the same cruel jokes.
Finally, we turned one last corner, and the corridor was empty. More than that. It was flat. Before us was a white set of stairs. Actual stairs, going up even higher. Discord led us to them, and looked back. One foreleg hovered over the first step.
My sister stepped right out of our quiet little bubble, hooves offensively loud on the white stone.
“Celestia!” Discord hissed, grabbing for her pink tail, “What are you doing?!”
“We’re here to face him, aren’t we?” She quietly replied. “We can’t hide anymore.”
I didn’t want a fight. Not here and now. I charged up after my sister, and Discord quickly fell behind me. All three of us, side by side, ascended those steps, into a place quieter than any spell I could cast.
I felt like, in the towers down below, there was always something moving. Somebody talking, water dribbling. Stones crumbling, mice scurrying around. Up here, there was none of that. It was just the loud clicks of our footsteps, and the buzzing my ears made when it tried too hard to hear something.
Down below, everything was dark, compact, and full of shadows to hide in. Here, even though there were no windows, the bright white walls and high ceiling themselves seemed to glow, seemed to fill everywhere with light. Big suits of armor cast no shadows. And the eyes of huge oil paintings followed us everywhere we stepped. I got this scary feeling, curling up in my gut, that we were being watched. That there was no way to miss us entering this private space. And we were committing some horrible crime, just walking through there.
The Stallion had to know we were here. How could he not? What was he waiting for? Was he just taking his time attacking us?
“Over there,” Discord whispered. We had just went up another small flight of stairs. He waved to our left, at a massive golden door. “I got the Element from that room. It’s a dead end, so…” He looked right, further down a hallway lined with open doors. Celestia strode down it, still stiff with resolve. We followed.
The hall was long, cavernous with the same high ceilings. Down, far, far away from us, there were several open archways. Doors, blocked off by another kind of out-of-place invader. Plants. Dark, thorny vines, seemingly planted into the stone itself, creeping over all the entrances all but one…
The closest one. The one coated in shadows.
The one the shadows exited.
He didn't even seem to move. He just faded in from nowhere. Something like a pony, but not at all. He was long, gangly, and wrong. When I could see through the shadows that followed at his heels, his body was knotted and tense. His wings were frayed and molting. His mane was like a blanket of trampled grass. Eyes a dead reflection of green.
And that dark thing began to walk toward us.
“There! There he is!” Celestia squealed, “Blast him! Harmony Blast!”
“I—“
“NOW!”
My horn burned on my forehead, and with it, my Element blared, brighter, louder in tone than I ever remember it being. The other Elements rang with mine, screamed. And together, our off-color rainbow snapped together, shooting forward.
The Stallion watched as the beam slammed him square in the chest.
For a moment, it was just that whine. That harmonious scream of our Elements. Our own screams. The light spilled around the Stallion’s shoulders, bubbling into white. A wound seemed to sprout from the rainbow. A little line of gray getting bigger and bigger. Cold stone crept up the Stallion’s neck, down his legs. He watched us. He didn't even glance at the slowly advancing stone.
With a toss of his mane, a few of the chunks flaked off. They were replaced almost instantly. With a stomp of his leg, another chunk fell off. A shake of his body, more clattered to the ground, crumbled. Stone peeling and flaking off his body, he began walking forward. The Elements barely even slowing his trot.
His gaze fell directly onto me.
And Discord’s beam of light died.
“No, no, no no no no,” Discord squealed, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry Father!”
“Discord!” Celestia screamed, “What in thhauuuAAAUG!”
My sister’s beam of light died. She collapsed to the ground, screaming and clutching her head in her knees. Her Element sputtered, rhythmically pulsing, spewing bright yellow sparks.
I stared at my writhing sister. My beam of light died. Shadows billowed past my ankles, over my sister’s body.
“Look out!”
“huh?”
At Discord’s shout, I looked up. The Stallion stood above us. Corpselike eyes bore through my head. Horn glowing in a sickly blue-green. He silently reared up, becoming dizzyingly, impossibly tall.
“Luna!”
Discord’s claws sunk into my shoulder, yanking me off my front feet. I fell back two steps. Watched as the Shadow Stallion’s hooves slammed down in front of my eyes with an almighty CRACK. Chips of the white stone bounced off my nose.
“Luna, run!”
A black wall, crumbling like plaster, burst in front of my eyes. I spun on Discord. Saw the frightened look on his face, my sister under his arm, trying to rise to her feet as their Elements glowed in unison. His other hand was outstretched past me, fingers splayed. The black wall swelled, slamming into the ceiling and showering us in black flakes.
“Y-yes. Run!” I stammered, “We gotta run!”
I stumbled into my sister’s side. Tried to heave her up, push her forward. A nagging thought beating in my head as my Element flared blue. There was something I could do, something more I could do. We didn’t have to run, did we? Something I can do to save us, something, anything!
We didn’t get far. The wall burst behind us, a gust driving plaster needles into our skin. Another blast sent us tumbling. I fell to my stomach, cold marble sending a shock through my gut. My sister collapsed again. I tried to stand, tried to run for her.
A black hoof slammed down on my element. There was a sound like breaking glass. Shadows poured over me, lukewarm and moist, a sticky fog. I shot up, tried to stand, and my back leg bumped into his other hoof, his thin ankle. Clasp digging into my neck, I tried to look. On top of me, standing over me, there he was.
Those dead eyes stared down at me, other hoof lifting, poised directly over my head. I screamed.
My horn flared, and I screamed.
The world wobbled and cracked, sound deafening me. A hot white light burst over those eyes. A black spike burst from the ground, whizzing past my ear, slamming into his neck. He took a step back. Just a step, a single step. Element free. His hoof bit into my foreleg as it dropped. Searing, nail pinching and ripping the skin.
I didn’t care. I wormed free and ran. I ran for my sister. Ran for my life.
“Luna!” Celestia moaned. She was finally on her feet. “Your Element…”
“Not now!” I squealed.
Discord shot by my other side, tearing down the steps. Practically clawing his way down them.
“What now?!”
“We, we need to get out of this tower!” A wild idea half formed in my mind. I didn’t dwell on it. I just threw myself into my gallop. Each step of my right hoof shot dull pain up into my shoulder. “Get to the black stone!”
“Going!”
We hit the bottom of the steps, running through the corridor full of the suits of armor. There was a stretch in front of us. A long, long stretch with the exit so far away.
And a spike drilled its way through the back of my head.
The world flipped and melted, tore itself inside out as the pain ripped my brains in half. It actually hurt my lungs, dragging in enough air to scream. But that was nothing, nothing nothing nothing nothing compared to the pain rocketing its way up, down, and around my skull. Bright lights blurred the world, white and blue, searing my eyes, stabbing holes in my spine. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I couldn’t breathe I was screaming so hard, world ringing, blood beating at my ears, trying to escape the pain in my head.
And as suddenly as it came, it left. Somehow, Celestia and Discord heaved me forward. Dominating my vision, Elements blaring. I tried to find my feet, but they were lost. I could barely move. My head still throbbed, but my shoulder ached more. It felt wet. I looked at it, and it was stained with some dark color.
“Resonate!” Celestia cried, “Luna, try and Resonate!”
“I—“
“Look!”
Clattering and banging surrounded us. I watched under Discord’s arm as a suit of armor rattled, awash with the Stallion’s sickly aura. Its spear was yanked from its side. Din was coming from all directions, banging metals.
“No, no, no, no…”
“Stairs…” I mumbled.
“Almost there!” Celestia glanced back, and what little color that was in her face drained away. I tried to do the same, follow her gaze. I only got one eye peeking around my bad shoulder. One eye trained on the Stallion. He was walking towards us, casual, steady, determined, focused. Behind him, suits stepped forward, rattling bows in his wake. A cloud of spears hovered above his head, shafts rattling together as they compressed.
Discord snapped his hand up. Another wall between us and The Stallion. But with a loud whizzing sound, just one spear smashed its way through the plaster of his spell, bouncing off the stone and spinning off over our backs.
Discord squealed, yanking at my bad leg. Two more spears burst through the barrier. One bounced off the ground. I heard Discord scream, and he dropped my leg. I tried to see what got him, if he was hurt, if he was hurt badly—!
“Don’t stop!” Celestia cried. Her aura encased us, shoving us forward. “Just a few more feet! Just a few more!”
We were falling, tumbling over the lip as half a dozen spears blasted above our heads. I saw Discord fall past. He gripped his green leg, curled up in pain as blood smeared between his claws. Finally, finally I found my footing, still racing down the steps. I tried, gingerly, to bring magic into my horn. I hoped, pleaded with myself. Don’t let the headache return. Let me have enough magic left, just to do this.
My horn flared, blue sparks twinkling past my eyes. The welcoming shadows of black stones, still far beneath us, began to churn.
“Guys!” I shouted, “Get in!”
“We can’t just hide!” Celestia squealed, “He’ll know we’re there!”
“Trust me!” I screamed back, the pang of my own magic pumping through my head. “Get in! Both of you!”
Discord’s wings flared open. Still clutching his leg, he threw himself to the shadows, gliding as he dove in, headfirst. He vanished. My sister charged down the last few steps. She screamed. Her legs sunk into the shadows, her body and head quickly falling after without much fuss.
I didn’t wait any longer. With one last hop, I dove into my shadow portal. I was shrieking for joy as the world faded around me, and a different world began blooming in front of my eyes.
~Θ~
“It worked!” I squealed as I tumbled into my friends. They stood, stunned at the world around them. The portal hadn’t let us leave the city, but we were certainly out of the castle. The dark walls rose on all sides of us, and I could barely make out the shapes of the buildings in the dark. I quickly began wiping the shadows from my eyes, surprised how much my leg was shaking. “It worked, we’re free!”
“No we’re not…” Discord croaked. “He’ll come after us. We’ve only just earned a small reprieve…”
“Safe? A reprieve?! Is that what you call this?!” Celestia squeaked. I looked at her, she was shaking like a leaf, head spinning to and fro. “We’re outside. At night. In Canterbury. What exactly is safe about our condition?!”
And far away, in the distance, I heard a Draconequus roar.
Yes! It updated!
And hopefully first.
Damn cliffhangers
This sounds too FUCKING BOSS to not read. You have the mind of an absolute god for coming up with this.
Best Saturday morning this month!
Yay, new chapter. I love it! I was listening to Royal Road Paradise during the fight/flight scene, and the mood of the music resonated really well with the story.
I wonder why the Stallion didn't talk. I was almost expecting a villain speach as he flowed into the hallway.
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Thank you both very much for explaining to me how that chapter came to be in this length. I am very grateful to get such an in-depth look into your creative process.
I have to confess I am at a bit of a loss on how to adequately carry on this conversation at this point. Although you keep thanking me, I can't help but feel that my initial critic had been rather strong worded and I hope it was not hurtful. Also, while I do think that offering critic and discussing it is a good thing, I wonder if it some point it becomes more like meddling. And that I would definitely not want to do. Also, also since you did not make lightly the choices, that I did not like as much, I do not feel as comfortable offering my rather superficial suggestions.
With all that said, I do wonder if the second attempt, the one with the perspectives of all three characters, would not have been salvageable by cutting away most of the emotional and thought-process "clutter", because during such a stressful situations they would not have had the time to think about all the consequences or analyze their feelings in depth anyway.
This may be a too big thing to ask, and I would definitely understand if it is, but I would love to see that second attempt you made, as I am really curious about it and I wonder if I still think that my suggestions seems reasonable to me after having seen it.
Thank you both once again for being so forthcoming, and for creating this great story.
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If your flip through the comments, you'll see a bunch of these long-post-about-x with long-response-about-x. They happen every once in a while, and I try to offer a good response, no matter how superficial they are
Saying that, my response this time will be a short one. While I am a fan of trimming the fat and cutting things down to their bare essence, what you're suggesting would make the chapter unsettling in the hollow kind of way. It would, again, make things very distant and removed. To the point where the character doesn't even matter, since they're just making observations of themselves. And since I'm skipping between the characters making all these hollow observations, why not just have a third character do it, and also give the chapter an even stranger tone?
But if I did stay with the characters themselves... How would I even attempt to write Celestia? Nothing happens around her that she's observing, the entire point of that section is that she's grinding all the facts in her head, coming to her own conclusions.
As for the chapter (warning, its a really rough draft)... Damn, it was already nearly 6000 words and it wasn't even all the way written. And looking back over it, I remember just how much I couldn't manage to put in Some key quotes I was sorry to see go:
Just as expected ^.^
Also, damn you and those interesting snippets!
Though I will not go screaming for more here and instead wait patiently for the next slice of cake so that I can eat it!
I don't know how to inform the readers of this story without resorting to mood breakers or PM spam but!
THE FIRST NONANNUAL
THE STEADFAST SKY QUESTIONS AND REQUEST SESSION!
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Thank you very much for allowing me to read the draft. Albeit being unfinished, I found it really interesting to delve into. All in all, I didn't find the approach half bad altogether. I found it also interesting to see how you had rearranged the pieces that did make it in the final version.
What I especially like about it, is, that it is a lot clearer on the whole meat situation. In the actual chapter it is hinted at Discord coming completely clear, when he asks what Luna thought he had been eating in Canterbury or when Celestia accused him, that he had entered her house to snack on Luna. I found it better to hear Discord say "I have eaten ponies." out load. Together with the reactions of Luna, the arc comes to a natural completion with no great lies left to uncover that way. As it is now, I could imagine that there could be a reprisal later on, either because the ponies had not realized that their kind used to be in his diet, or because of the remaining whitish lie, that Discord told when he was confronted by Celestia. I wouldn't mind that either, actually, I would just like to know where the characters stand, because of the gravity of the whole arc.
> What you're suggesting would make the chapter unsettling in the hollow kind of way.
I see your point. I don't think it would have been as bad as you imagine, but I understand why you would want to avoid that.
> But if I did stay with the characters themselves... How would I even attempt to write Celestia?
You mostly did write her in character in chapter 34. There is a short introduction to her in the beginning (which does not actually anticipate anything not already known or later expanded on in her own segments), and the fight with Discord, which could be just as well told from Luna's or Discord's perspective. Everything else, concering her, happens in her own segments. So, my answer would be, exactly like you did.
I think the first quote might have been worth keeping, as it helps to set the topic of this and the next chapter. Also, looking back, it was a bit surprising to see a dialog summarized instead of played out, like you usually do.
The second quote touches on an interesting topic, but I can understand why that had to go at that point. I imagine it might be a detail rather prevalent in the characters' minds after the latest chapter, though.
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I think my final hesitation to just come out and have discord just say it straight "I ate ponies" is multifold.
In-universewise, Discord lies. Discord lies and hides behind illusions that seem real. Sometimes he's forced to lie, and sometime he tells lies to protect himself, but it is a major part of who he is. And it's not just other people he lies to. He lies to himself, and he knows he's lying to himself. He lied to himself that he could live off vegetables. Lied to himself that he even enjoys eating meat. Lied to himself that secrecy was better than the truth.
He won't admit to himself that he grew up eating ponies. He'll say thats what the Draconequus are doing, but he won't admit that he was part of it. He'd rather it remain an unspoken truth, buried, even as everyone realizes it around him.
Out of universe-wise... me hesitating about the tone of the story, and uncertain about how damning being a carnivore is. It's a tough topic to confront if you're not vampire-romanticizing it or outright vegan-banning it. It's natural for some creatures, though I think most ponies would find it unsettling and uncomfortable. They can ignore it when its not in front of them, but...
But to me, it's not enough. They just got a drama bomb dropped on them last chapter, and it needed to be addressed. I needed her to confront that issue just as much as Discord's issues needed to be confronted. ... Feel like I had more to say about that. Think I forgot it
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Amusingly, I think "Darkbladex96"s clip (part of comment #270) sums the issue Grey refers to
with Discord particularly well.
I have to read this later, I started reading this fic maybe a week and a half ago. Honestly I didn't expect it to grip me the way it has. I don't have anything of importance to say because i'm not literary expert, I just read what I like.
I finally managed to burn through the story up to this point, well not burn through because that implies that i didnt really read it. Anyway, I'm rambling.
I came here to say my words of praise, I am I nobody in the grand scheme of things, but my read later list is over 200 (I actually read a lot of them) stories long and I have around 296 unread chapters to on my favorites tab. So I hope it means something to you when I say that I can count the number of times i've given this compliment to a story on a single hand.
So here it is...
I absolutely love the characterization of Celestia, Luna, and Discord in this story. Watching them grow and looking for little similarities between what little we know in the series and whats happening is such a joy, and just seeing where they agree and disagree adds so much life. The story finds familiar in the unfamiliar and its so absorbing. I can only eagerly eat the next chapter once i finish the chapter before it.
^There, there it is my fanpony rant. Anyway the only stories I've ever given this praise:
-Eternal
-Hospice
-The Steadfast Sky
-Heart of a Dragon
-The Immortal Game
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On par with Eternal and The Immortal Game? Oh hells yes Someday, I will take on those juggernauts of words!
You know what's amazing? This comment. Of course. Literally every new reader, when they get to the last chapter, admits that they could not put the story down. And you, more than that, have told me what exactly is addictive about my story. Literary or no, your comment is wonderful. I can never get enough long remarks.
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Those stories are monsters and I'm pretty sure they are long enough to be placed between two covers and called a novel. I actually raged a little when Immortal Game ended and now I eagerly await the epilogue. Eternal did for me what My Little Dashie couldn't, and that's get a legitimate reaction. The day you take them one, bring your big guns.
Well this is the first time someone has called a comment of mine wonderful. I um..don't know how to respond. My comments tend to have length. Iike to explain myself.
Has anyone mentioned the story "Fostering Intelligence"? I think back on that story when I read discord (fostering intelligence is a discord origin story). These stories I feel are the truest representation of Discord and help explain his canon self. Discord is a character of immense depth, and I believe that his God of Chaos persona is perhaps the biggest facade in the universe. To me Discord is lonely and confused because he is torn between being the destructive creature he was born as and is expected to be, and being the light-hearted fun loving creature he became when he saw the outside world. He's just hiding behind the his powers, in the show I noticed that for him to be a big bad evil guy, he didn't command respect nor did it annoy him that they weren't afraid of him (I think it's because he doesn't want the ponies to be afraid and he wants to be one of them...or maybe I'm looking to far into it.). So many possibilities with Discord characterization.
I'll be rereading this story at some point to look at every little thing that could push discord towards how we know him.
I'm not a Celestia fan, but good development of her can grab me. I find it amazing how little difference there is between how I imagine full grown Celestia and young Celestia in her your story. How did I know she was going to study, and badger her mind with questions after she learned that she would become a god? How did I know that she would put on airs and over play her title status as princess? How did I know she would be the one to want to return? Because canon Celestia carries herself in a way that says she's done a thousand stupid things and through error knows when to hold herself back. I think its hilarious that young Celestia is similar to Twilight mixed with Rarity.
How did you decide on a speech pattern for Celestia? Really it's perfect for her.
Luna, luna, luna. I really like her viewpoint, it's just "raw", if that makes sense to you. Just a child taking everything in stride, BUT she isn't really ignorant of anything going around her. I really enjoy it when she tries to vocalize what's going on, but doesn't have the right words for it.There's nothing much I can say about Luna, she's just enjoyable. Also I clapped when she had her little internal revelation and got her cutie mark. How she feels about the night sky hit me like a tons of bricks. It all makes sense why she would be so hurt and offended by ponies "shunning" her night later on.
Is Discord starting to have feelings for Luna? If so, wow. That will add a nice dynamic to the group, i think I see it coming out.
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Dude. Did I read Fostering Intelligence? I wrote Fostering Intelligence! That is pretty much canonical to this story!
Other than that, with all the characters, you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. Discord, when he appeared, felt like he had a lot more going on than there was time to explore. It felt like there was a fully fleshed character to be found underneath his "lol zaniness!." Luna's age means she isn't filtering what she's thinking, and is saying things how she sees them. I kind've think she's the one who's grown up the most this whole adventure... Her vocabulary's gotten huge over the course of a freaking month! And, when I first made Celestia, I was originally aiming for a Rarity/Twilight hybrid. I think there's a lot Older Celestia could see in Twilight.
As for her voice... Wasn't much decision with her. Just knew she would be this sort of tittery baroness the whole time. If she had hands, she's be holding her fingers dainty-like. The kind of hands that curl and tense as they attempt to hold a teacup JUST SO.
And finally... feelings? A "nice" dynamic?
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Addemendum on Fostering Intelligence I wrote it to be a stand-alone, so some details were left out and changed. The events in the past are canontical, but the framing device is innacurate at best. At worst, downright wrong for what I'm doing with Steadfast Discord
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Oh really you wrote that...I feel like a fool
Its a double sided sword of mine I guess, you know judge each work on its own merits not by author bias, maybe I should start caring about who writes the stories I click on. But you better believe that Fostering Intelligence is in my favorites.
Yeah, you make it hard to place my arbitrary "best pony" stamp on just one of our protagonists. When I can just latch on to the characters like that I know that I need to finish the story...now that I think about it. Why haven't I favorited this? um..wow, I guess my internet is lagging because I can't fav the story.
When you mentioned Celestia with the tea cup I imagine filly Tia trying to teach filly Luna to sip tea correctly. Luna says that It's kinda goofy and Celestia goes all into a tizzy about it.
Nice to know the the two stories share canon. Indeed the framing device isnt even in the same ball park as the same, but there was enough similarity for me to make the connection, even though I was unaware you wrote them both
wow, I... didn't think that the shadow stallion would be so err... lifeless, or that they would barely come out alive. So will there be other elements of hamony beariers or will Celestia, Luna and Discord 'catch them all'?
Anyway, another great chapter, congrats.
OhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the happiest momment of my life! Well, maybe not the happiest, but it's still a great momment! *squeal!*
Theory time.
Okay so there are six Elements and three protagonists... I've always assumed that they were each going to get two, seeing as how three characters would have to be introduced otherwise, and the story is due to jump far into the future soon. And besides, modern-day Equestria doesn't have five alicorns running around. Plus, we know that Celestia probably uses the Elements all by herself when she banishes Luna anyway, so I guess we know one pony can wield all of them? There are ways around all this yeah, but I want to guess at what Elements they'd have if they got two. We're missing....
Magic.
I think I would give it to Discord myself. Any one of them could work as Magic when you think about it. But I like to think that Magic is something equal to Friendship in this world. (MLP: Friendship is Magic.) Discord is kind of like how Twi was. Loner at first and sort of coming from outside to learn the magic of friendship.. But to be honest I could see any of them with this Element. Luna is powerful and Celestia is weak but later becomes possibly more powerful than her later in life. Discord is obviously a very skilled magic-user in training.
Honesty.
Let's see.... Discord does keep secrets and lies if he has to, like the reality of Draconequus, so it makes it seem like it's not him. Luna is quite honest. But...she's young, so that might be why. Celestia could be it, so I'm honestly not really sure. One of the two...
Generosity.
Who's generous? Or who's blatantly not? I think I need to re-read the story so far because it's been a while but I'm not sure there are big examples of either. Like Honesty, sadly, I'm not really sure. Celestia seems generous. She let Discord stick around rather than throw him out the night they met right? But didn't Luna have to convince her? And Discord is Discord....
Gah! I do need to re-read this. I guess I failed to work it out logically but I think I would give them...
Discord: Kindness/Magic
Luna: Laughter/Generosity
Celestia: Loyalty/Honesty
But who knows. *shrugs*
1360430 Works out pretty well... especially since your "Elemental Distribution" makes this sort of a "prequel" to the Powers of Harmony setup (back between the "Discord Era" and "Mare in the Moon", that is):
Luna: Bearer of Magic, Laughter and Generosity (I think; I'll have to reread CyborgSamurai's latest chapter to make sure)
Celestia: Bearer of Loyalty, Honesty, and Kindness
Stairs... That one word is still resonating in my mind. Curse you Sombra!
2410578 OMG! You just made me realise the Shadow Stallion could be King Sombra!
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I don't think he can, Sombra was a unicorn, and this guy is an alicorn and formerly an Earth pony
Luna's head was impaled by a thing from behind... And then it seemed as if it wasn't there anymore
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Huh?
*searches*
Oh. That was a mental attack. The same happened to Celestia a little bit before. Sorry, I should have said "it felt like I was struck" or something about how there didn't seem to be anything there...
My mistake
Well, that went about as well as I thought it would.