The Chronic-le Of Green Leaf

by MrPockets

Part 2: The Friend-ening

“Wow Greenie, that’s just awful!”

“You can say that again Berry. I had to spend my first night in Ponyville hiding from the cops in a dumpster. Talk about small town prejudice.”

“No, I was talking about Scootaloo. Somepony made sure she was okay... Right?”

“...Is Scootaloo that crippled kid?”

“She’s not a cripple! She’s just young and can’t really fly yet and- Oh, forget it, you’re too high to give a crap right now.”

“And how!”

“I’m getting another drink.”

“Hang on, the best part of my story is coming up!”

“Awwww, is that ‘cause you’re about to meet me?”

“Naw dude, Spike and I are about to hotbox the library. That was one of the greatest sessions of my life!”

“Geez, thanks Greenie. It’s nice to know a tree house full of pot smoke means more to you than meeting your first real friend.”

“Oh come on, I get to see you everyday! I will never smoke in the library again. Twilight has officially banned me for life.”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re incorrigible?”

“Uhhh, no. But I’m pretty sure ‘in-porrige-able’ isn’t even a word. Are you drunk?”

“Not as drunk as I will be in 20 minutes. So go on, weren’t you about to wake up in garbage?”

“Oh, yeah, just let me stroke my ego first.”

Green Leaf, the Hero of the West and last hope for Equestria’s salvation, woke up in a filthy, stinking garbage can. Hey, we’ve all been there. Sometimes more than once in a week. As per her morning tradition, (assuming it even was morning, this garbage can didn’t happen to have any windows) she opened her massive bag of weed and prepared to properly start the day/evening/night.

Feeling around in the darkness, she noticed the vacant spot in her bag where her bong used to be. A wave of sadness washed over her, “Ass-Pirate...” she sighed, trying not to breathe in the stink of trash too deeply, “I dedicate this high to you, buddy. You will be sorely missed.”

So determined was Green to smoke in the honour of her fallen comrade, she rolled a massive joint in the pitch blackness of her hideaway. All while trying not to breathe. It took many putrid minutes, but he was worth the effort.

Green sparked up her lighter, casting an orange glow on the cramped space she sat in. “Hot damn, somepony likes to drink.” She gasped, releasing her held breath and taking in the sharp stink around her. Fighting back gags, she noticed empty bottles made up at least 85% of the trash. Wine, gin, whiskey, beer, everything. There was enough glass to build a dome over Ponyville. ”I hope this wasn’t all from one night...” Every movement shifted the bottles, creating a clinking noise Green had initially thought was her internal weed alarm going off. “...And I really hope my ashes don’t light this thing up and burn me to a crisp.”

It was a risk she was willing to take.

With a watchful eye, Green burnt the tip of the blunt and took a few puffs. She thought for a moment, holding in the smoke while reminiscing over her dearly departed. They’d been through so much together, and they never even got a chance to say goodbye. She honestly teared up a little, though it may have been from the 15% of the garbage that wasn’t bottles.

Green emptied her lungs into the cramped can, and began her eulogy. “Wow, Ass Pirate. I can’t believe you’re really gone. I remember when I first saw you in that hemp shop in Vanhoover, I just knew there was something special about you. You even had a sign around your chamber that said ‘Special: 20% off’. I took you home, filled you up with some maple kush and from then on, we were inseparable.” A solemn tear of solemnness fell from her eye and graced an empty vodka bottle with its very touch. “Ass Pirate... oh Ass Pirate! I’m gonna miss ya buddy!”

“Is... someone in there?”

Suddenly, the can was flooded by light as its lid was removed. All the smoke was let out and the face of a confused purple earth pony looked in.

“Do you mind? I’m having a moment in here!” Green said with tears in her eyes, shooting a scowl up at the funeral-crasher. “He was my best and only friend in the whole world and now he’s gone forever!”

“Oh.” The other mare replied calmly, still looking more confused than a unicorn on a farm. Oh, this is where food comes from? Bunch of moochers... Then she added, ”’Cause it sounded like you were talking about 'ass pirates' to me...”

Green scoffed hysterically, “That was my friend’s name, duh! He was the greatest bong I ever could have asked for!”

“Oh.” The intruding mare repeated. “And... why are you sitting in my garbage?”

“...’Cause the fuzz is kinda after me.”

The mare recoiled slightly and raised an eyebrow. “...Public drunkenness?”

“Naw. Apparently giving weed to foals is illegal or something,” Green replied with a shrug, taking another drag. “Did you drink all this? ‘Cause if so, I’m amazed you're, like, not dead.”

The other pony laughed nervously, “I- I missed garbage day last week!” she said unevenly. They both knew it was a load of griffon shit. The purple mare’s evasive eyes shot off to the side, and a worried looked crossed her face. “Say, how about you hop on out of there? My neighbors probably think I’m talking to the trash... again. Hey, I’ll even let you use my shower, whaddya say, Stinky?”

Scowling at the name, Green poked her head out of the can, rattling the so-called 'two week' pile-up. Across the street, a yellow mare with curly orange hair glared at them from her front door. She closed her eyes and shook her head slightly, then quickly pulled it shut.

“Throw in some breakfast and you got a deal.”

The purple-on-purple mare, who was fittingly named Berry Punch, lived alone in a snug, homey bungalow with a clean bathroom. Well, it was clean, before Green got there. Washing out what she could only guess had been week old vomit and moldy leftovers had left the tub a weird, off shade of yellow.

Several minutes later, Green Leaf trotted out of the soiled bathroom and into her host’s small kitchen, cleaner than her track record in Fillydelphia. “Ta-da! Thanks a bunch for letting me use your shower! And your trash bin too, I suppose,” she laughed, taking a seat on a cushioned stool at a table in the adjoining dinning room.

On the stove, fresh batter hit a buttered pan and Berry called back, “Sure thing, you didn’t dirty it up too much did you? I just cleaned it yesterday.” She put down the batter and grabbed a metal spatula.

“Ha, of course not!” Green said with a sheepish smile “That would be... super rude of me and stuff...” She made a mental note to split as soon as those pancakes were inside her growling belly. “Saaaay, what’s the ETA on those flapjacks Berry?”

Berry stopped cooking and slowly turned around, fixing her guest with blank, unreadable eyes. “...How bad is it?”

“Wh-what? I don’t what you’re talking about.” Okay, so maybe Green Leaf isn’t a great liar either.

Berry's face darkened. “The bathroom.” She fully turned away from the cooking batter as it started to sizzle. A thin trail of smoke drifted out of the pan.

“Hey, you might want to keep an eye on those-” Green began.

“How. Bad.”

The smoke intensified and Green cracked. What kind of monster burns food in front of a hungry pony? Especially one that’s high? That’s just evil! “Fine, you win! I’ll clean it up! I swear!” She leapt out of her stool, knocking it to the floor as she shot up. She landed on the table with a hoof extended towards the pancake, pleading to the almighty food gods to have mercy on the poor thing.

The shadow over Berry’s face instantly vanished, and she started laughing with a snort. “I’m just messing with ya!”

What the shit! Who does that? That’s psychological warfare. Hopefully somepony got fired for letting her escape from Tartarus to unleash her wrath upon Equestria...

Berry, the spawn of the unholy, spun around with a wide smile and dropped a hoof on the pan’s handle, flipping the burnt syrup sponge onto its other side.

“That’s so not funny,” said Green, sliding off the table and resetting her stool, “there are starving foals in Zebrica you know.”

“That is a horrible stereotype. Plus, I like them just a little burned,” Berry joked, removing her sorry excuse for a pancake and pouring more batter. Must be how they make 'em back home in the burning pits of hell-fire.

Green waved a hoof, “Whatever floats your boat, dude. Just try not to totally ruin mine, okay?”

Green Leaf... has a tendency to get on ponies nerves pretty quickly. Comes from an overabundance of personality that’s too amazing for most to handle. Berry had been doing pretty good so far, but she must have reached her threshold ‘cause she whirled back around and slammed her spatula on the table. “Wow, bossy, racist, and unhygienic. No wonder you're best friend is a bong. Oops, I mean 'was' a bong, my mistake.”

Oh, she did not just go there.

“Yeah? Well, you’re the spawn of Cerberus and just as big a bitch! I bet you don’t have any friends, either! No wonder you drink so much.” Green shouted back, standing over the table again, coming nose-to-nose with Berry Punch.

The two mares glared daggers into each other. No, scratch that, they glared fuckin’ lances.

Green was pissed. Who did this mare think she was? Calling it as she saw it and everything, that was Green’s thing. This Berry had an annoying amount of spunk, and enough sass to genuinely anger Green, which was not something most ponies could do, cause they’re too boring and offendable...

Actually, this mare was pretty cool!

Green’s scowl flip-turned into a friendly grin. “Truce?” she said, leaning back and extending a hoof.

Berry hissed in a weird mixture of confused and angry. “Seriously?”

“Sure! I like your style! You ain’t no pushover and you can take an insult as well as you can dish‘em out.” Green smiled at the mare whose garbage she’d slept in. “That makes you pretty cool in my books, so let’s just agree to disagree or whatever and call us even, okay?”

Berry looked unsure for some reason. It certainly wasn’t because she thought she was pregnant. The home test Green found in her trash was negative, and the box it came in said it was 99.8% accurate. All 8 of them.

Berry snorted and narrowed her eyes. “Why should I? You’re just some pot-head drifter who's amazingly selfish.”

Green merely laughed at the insult, mush to Berry's surprise. “No shit! You think I don’t know that? We both do, but you have the balls to throw it in my face. Just like I have the balls to say you’re a burnt-pancake-eating shut-in with a drinking problem and the reincarnation of Lucifer. So, whadda ya say? You wanna be friends?”

Berry still looked unsure, but beneath her confusion was the tiniest smile. “I must say, your logic is infallible.” The smile grew and she shrugged loosely. “Why don't we try being probationary friends. Only cause you’re really weird, yet I find your antics somewhat amusing. Plus, it seems you can be civil, so I guess that makes you not completely insufferable.”

“That’s the spirit!” Green took hold of Berry’s hoof and shook it harder than was really called for. Berry winced, Green grinned. It would soon come to be a common occurrence for them. “Oh yeah, my name is Green Leaf by the way. Probably should have mentioned that. Are my pancakes done or what?”

A bit of anger resurfaced on Berry face, but it disappeared almost instantly. She returned to the kitchen and smirked back, “what’s the matter, got the munchies, deadhead?”

“Naw, I just want to get one before you devour them all, thunder-flanks.” Green broke into laughter, which Berry surprisingly joined in on. Green knew her sense of humor mostly made ponies mad, but here was a mare who laughed at her jabs. Not only that, she made them herself, too! That alone won Green over, and she was genuinely happy for the first time since entering Ponyville. She was being herself and nopony was shouting at her for it! And she wasn’t even high!

“Oh hey, you mind if I smoke in here?” Right, never mind that last bit.

Berry set a plate of steaming pancakes on the table. “Not really, just let me open a window. I don’t want my place to smell like you do.”

“Harr, harr.” Green Leaf fetched her bags and got to work while Berry aired out the kitchen and set the table. It was much easier than rolling in the dark had been. “You... want to take the first hit Berry?” Do you see this generosity! Rarity can suck it.

Placing the steaming pancakes on the table, Berry cautiously eyed the joint, then shook her head. “No thank you Green, I've kinda got my own vices.”

Through tenacity alone, Green was able to converse with her (probationary) friend and ignore the fresh, hot discs of pure doughy deliciousness sitting less than two feet away. It was nothing short of saintly, to say the least. “R-right! The boozin’. Is that like, you’re special talent? Or just a hobby you’re really, really good at?”

"Harr, harr. It’s not my special talent dinkus, I’m a winemaker.” Berry said with a roll of her purple eyes. She really is just a little too purple. Hard to even look at sometimes. “I guess you could say my drinking is more like... a curse.” She finished on a downbeat, lowering her head and stuffing a pancake in her mouth. Burnt side down. Gross, that means she wanted to taste that side. She put it right on her damn tongue! Barf!

however, horrifyingly bad taste aside, something Berry said struck a cord with Green. “Wait, did you say... curse?”

Berry’s eyes rose up from her plate. “Uh, yemph?” She spat,sending little black flakes flying out of her full muzzle. Bleeeeh!

“As in, like... you have been cursed? To drink all the time?” All of Green silliness was gone now, her mood switching faster than a Changeling with ADHD.

Swallowing her disgusting food, Berry replied without spraying bits everywhere. “Yeah... like that, I guess.”

“NO WAY!” Green jumped up with excitement and pointed at her chest. “So am I!”

The kitchen fell quiet. Berry must have been having second thoughts about letting the strange mare she found in the trash into her home, cause she got all quiet and shifty-eyed. She looked like, like if she suddenly had to stab a fork into Green’s eyeball, she'd totally do it without hesitation. It was just under the surface, but it was definitely there, and utterly terrifying.

That's... not a vibe you pick up on too often.

Green managed to catch on and settled things down before evasive eye surgery was required. “No, seriously, I’m totally cursed too!”

“I... meant it more as a metaphor.” With the same dubious look, she shot a quick glance at her fork, then refocused on Green. “...You really think you’re cursed, huh?”

“Yes, but maybe that’s only 'cause I’m fucking cursed!” Green shot back, settling back in the kitchen chair. Berry looked more intrigued than stabby now, but putting a little distance from her cutlery seemed like a good idea. With a precautionary divide established, Green lit up her spliff and began the story that started it all.

“It happened a while ago. I was a young filly living in Detrot and I was just... actually, it might have been Baltimare, I don’t remember. Anyway, I was just minding my own business, innocently planting some weed in a forest outside town so the cops wouldn’t find it. Turns out, the ground I planted it in was sacred or something to these little fairy things that lived there. I don’t know what they were, I was never able to look them up myself. Anyhoo, they got pretty ticked off, I started mouthing off, they got super-pissed and cursed me pretty good. Ever since that fateful day, I absolutely have to smoke weed every so often. I go bonkers if I don’t. Sounds pretty crazy, huh?”

Berry stared. Hard. Green worried she might go for the fork after all, but instead the vindictive harlot started giggling. “That’s a very poor choice of words, Greenie.”

The blonde mare huffed a cloud of smoke, aiming for the rug in the kitchen and hoping the smell sunk in. “Whatever! I don’t even care if you believe me or not. It happened. And now I get outcasted everywhere I try to go, including here. It actually sucks, not like your metaphorical pussy-curse.”

“Awwww, poor little pot-head.”

“Screw you, wine-o.” Green crossed her forehooves and looked away.

“Oh come on, I’m still just messing around,” Berry chuckled, “how about I pretend to believe you? Would that make you feel better?”

Green shrugged. “That’s more than anypony else ever did.”

For a moment the two sat in silence. Outside, the Garbageponies came by and emptied Berry’s bins with an avalanche of loudly-clinking glass bottles. “For the love of Celestia, again?” One of the workers remarked.

“S-so, have you, you know, ever tried to break this 'curse'?” Berry asked, speaking slightly louder than was necessary. For no reason really, Green had already seen the liquor graveyard currently being dumped.

“I thought you didn’t believe me?” Green smirked. The avalanche stopped, only for another to begin shortly after.

“I don’t get paid enough for this.” The Garbagepony sighed.

Berry coughed. “I’m pretending, remember? Surely you found something on those... what did you call them? ‘Fairy things’?”

“You’re not a great actress. And yes I did try. But like I said, nopony ever believed me for some reason.” Green took another huge toke, blowing the smoke away from the rug this time. For now. “I can’t even tell you how many librarians laughed in my face.”

“I’m sure it was a lot.” Berry quipped, enjoying the suffering of another enough to giggle out loud.

Quiet took over again in the kitchen, and the whiniest union worker in Equestria moved on to the next home.

Green smoked while Berry finished eating her disgusting pancakes, then set down down her utensils and looked across the table. “I have an idea.” She stated out of the blue. Maybe eating helps her think? Or maybe food soaks up all the residual booze lingering in her system. “There happens to be a very nice library here in town, run by none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle. I have nothing better to do today, why don’t we go down there and see what we can see, hmm? Even if we don’t find anything, I’ll get to watch royalty laugh at you.”

“I bet you'd love that, demon-spawn,” said Green. She finished off her joint, placing it in a sealed tin with dozens of other roaches. What? Recycling is important. “You think we’ll actually find something?” She asked hopefully.

Berry waved one of her hooves. “No, not really, but who knows? If the gossip around town is anything to go on, Twilight knows a little something about curses herself.”

“Wow, you mean it?”

Berry nodded. “Sure. What are probationary friends for?”

Green Leaf smiled at the exciting prospect. “Okay then! Let me just finish breakfast...” Licking her lips, she picked up a knife and fork and tore into the meal like a school of piranhas, recklessly abandoning all preconceived notions of manners, cleanliness and personal safety. Berry watched in horror, likely hoping she’d be getting her silverware back. Seconds later, the plate was spotless and Green was full. “Mmm not bad, Bee! Now, let’s get moving!”

“...Aren’t you forgetting about something?”

“Huh? What're you talking about?” Green asked. Even stoned, the devious grin that spiderwebbed across Berry’s whole face was impossible to misunderstand. “You were serious about cleaning the bathroom...”

A full hour of scrubbing later, the two mares were walking down a peaceful street towards the East side of Ponyville. Despite the serious cleaning she'd just done, Green was in a pretty good mood. The more she saw of the little town, the more she fell in love with it. And the more she hoped this Twilight could help. Maybe, if she could just break her curse somehow, there was still a chance she could live in Ponyville. She would finally fit in with everypony else, be normal for a change. Everything would be great!

Until then however, she'd be keeping her head down. Small town cops are not to be fucked with, they literally have nothing better to do with their time.

“How much further is this place?” Green looked over her shoulder again. Aside from every member of the Ponyville police department, there were other ponies around she really didn’t want to run into. Namely Applejack and Rarity.

“Paranoid much? Relax, it’s just up here.” Berry laughed, pointing down the bright street to a massive oak tree with windows and a balcony.

Green blinked. “The library... is inside a hollowed out tree? That’s kind of messed up if you think about it, a tree stuffed with paper books. It’s kinda like eating a chicken omelette.”

“Green Leaf, that is disgusting.” Berry grimaced, casting a shifty scan around just as Green had done. Deciding the coast was clear enough, she took a swig from a flask hidden away in her saddle bag.

The green pony laughed this time. “Hey, maybe that curse of yours ain’t so metaphorical after all.”

Berry shrugged. “Whatever, it’s past noon anyway-” she was interrupted by the bells of Ponyville’s tall clock tower ringing in the distance. Twelve times. “...Well, now it’s past noon.” She noted, taking a larger sip and sighing with satisfaction.

Green nudged her with a green flank. “Ha! That’s another reason you’re alright Bee; you don’t care what people think of you.” She smiled at her new friend. She had totally made a friend! How could this day not be amazing?

Berry smiled back. “Heh, that’s me...” A pink mare with a lily in her mane trotted by, and Berry quickly shoved the flask back into her bag. She fastened the latch and looked back up to Green’s smirking face. “Right so, this is the place!”

Shaking her head, Green stepped up to the tree’s red front door. “Right, cool, should we knock? Or can we just walk in? It’s a public library, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s also Twilight’s home. So knock, you barbarian.” Berry made a knocking motion with her hoof, hovering only a few inches away from the door. Why didn’t she just knock? Cause she's evil, that's why!

“Gahhh, fine.” Green grumbled out loud, then grudgingly stepped up to the sectioned door and pounded it with a hoof. Much harder than necessary. “How was that, you happy?” She asked, stepping back beside an annoyed Berry.

“How very mature.”

The door’s black handle clicked, and the three sections opened inwards. “Geez, what’s the big idea?” And out stepped the least terrifying dragon to have ever lived. He had neon purple scales and big, goofy spikes on the side his head. Actually, they weren't even spikes; that would be kinda badass. He had spines, they were friggin’ rounded! That’s way less scary! “Did you really have to put a dent in the door?”

Green failed to suppress a giggle-snort. “Oh, I’m sorry little guy. Did the big noises scare you?”

The widdle dwagon put his claws on his hips in a way he probably thought looked tough. It didn't. “Hey, I was not scared! It’s just most ponies are smart enough to know how to knock on a door properly.”

“Don’t worry about her Spike, she’s just a little brain dead from substance abuse.” Berry said, stepping between the two.

“You’re one to talk. I bet your liver's pickled.” Green shot back.

“Anyway,” Berry continued, “is Twi- er, Princess Twilight around? We need to ask her about stuff and/or let her laugh at Green Leaf here.”

“Pickled and polka-dotted!”

The 'dragon', Spike, followed the exchanged in obvious confusion. “Uhh, are you guys always like this?” He asked raising an eyebrow. Do dragons have eyebrows? Weird. And also not scary.

Green stopped making faces and poked out from behind Berry. “Actually, we just met today!”

“For some reason, it feels like a lot longer already.” Berry rolled her eyes. “So, is she here?”

Spike blinked a few times, then shook his head and crossed his chubby little baby arms. “No, she’s not. Now if you would excus-”

“Where is she then?” Green asked urgently, pushing her way around Berry and right into his personal space.

The dragon snorted and backed away. “Like I would tell you, stinky. For all I know, you want to rob her or something.”

“Oh come on, I didn’t really mean what I said about you. Only a little bit.” Green chuckled, catching another look at his silly head spines.

“Yeah. I’m shutting the door now...” Spike put a hand on the door and began to close it, only to be interrupted when Green extended a hoof into his scaly face. He fell silent, as she expected. A strange smell was wafting out of the library, one that Green instantly recognized.

Holding her head up, she sniffed the air a few times and confirmed her suspicions. “Are you... smoking the reefer in here, son?” She asked in her best cop impersonation.

Gasping, Spike pushed away the hoof before turning several shades paler. “N-no! Of course not! Only losers do drugs,” he sputtered in mock innocence. And that was how Green learned that, for some reason, dragons sweat. Still weird. Still not scary. “Would you two just get out of here already, before Twilight comes back?”

Green looked down at the trembling lizard and smiled deviously. She turned back to Berry, and was thrilled to find her wearing the same wicked grin. “Here’s how this is gonna work, buddy.” Green refocused on Spike, still grinning like a madpony, “You tell us where Twilight went, and we won’t tell her you smoke pot when she’s not home, got it?”

“Y-you wouldn’t!” Spike looked ready to pee himself. Oooh this was a good day!

“She’ll do it Spike, trust me.” Berry chimed in, taking another drink from her flask.

Spike swallowed the lump in his throat. "Sh-she's really not here! I think Fluttershy asked for her help, a bunch of forest animals have been eating all the food they stored for the winter for some reason."

Green muffled a cough. "You, uh, don't say. Well then... I guess you're going to have to help us."

He may not be a tough guy, but at least Spike knew he was beaten. He slumped low with a low sigh of defeat. “Fine, but you two keep your mouths shut about this! To everybody, not just Twilight!"

“Don’t worry, we won’t narc on ya, unless we have to.” Green barged in, pushing the door and Spike aside. “Also, I get to smoke in here too.”

“What! No way!” Spike cried, picking himself up off the hardwood floor a running in front of the green mare. “That was not part of the deal!”

“Welp, now it is now... unless you want Twilight find out about your green thumb.” Green smiled, making herself at home and dropping her bags.

Spike let out another exasperated sigh even longer than the first. “Yeah, yeah, just... blow it out the window like I do. And try not to make this suck anymore than it has to for me, okay?”

Looking down at the little dragon, Green's smile only widened as she hoisted her huge weed bag out and dropped it on the floor in front of him. It was almost as tall as the green and purple squirt, whose eyes had gone the size of dinner plates.

“That... might help. I'll get my pipe.”

Several hits from Spike’s pathetically small pipe later, they had told him all about Green’s curse and began searching the library for anything useful. He now stood at the top of a ladder, obviously feeling the effects and swaying precariously. Trying desperately to keep his balance, he pulled various books off the shelf he leaned against.

Green stood in the main room of the comfortable tree-library, which to her continued amazement, did not smell like dead or rotting wood. Hundreds of books supplied the dominant odor; they filled every shelf all the way around the circular room. At that moment though, their scent was overpowered by a blue fog of second-hand weed smoke. Even Berry, who had been sticking to alcohol like a fly on shit, was swaying slightly from the concentrated smoke.

“Did you find something yet or what?” Green asked impatiently from the floor below, relighting the tiny pipe. It was her fourth hit and she was barely stoned. Spike only had one, and he could barely stand. Such a lightweight, even those three fillies had more than him!

The blitzed dragon tossed a hefty tome over his slight shoulder, letting it fall into the growing pile around the ladder’s base. “Not yet. I... I know exactly what I’m looking for, I just... I’m too high to find it right now.”

“Come on, that was hardly anything! This pipe of yours is like a baby’s toy.” Green chaffed, killing another bowl and placing the wooden piece on a stump-shaped table. Why would a stump be inside a tree? It’s a stump!

“Uh, I am a baby, numbskull! And dragons are known for breathing fire and being ferocious, not pot-smoking.” He said with a touch of pride and a girly little giggle.

“Yeah? So what happened to you then?”

Spike dropped another book, which landed suspiciously close to Green Leaf’s head. “I was raised by ponies, genius! I don’t know where I come from, and I’m basically a slave here!”

“Yeah, yeah, no one cares,” Berry popped out of one of the book piles, holding an old book upside down and a very expensive-looking bottle of wine. It was already uncorked and half empty. “Check this out! it’s an old yearbook from when Twilight was in Celestia’s school. And It was signed by three ponies! Including her mother!” She broke down laughing, tipping back the bottle and draining another quarter.

Spike’s face paled at the sight. “Hey, that was a gift from Princess Celestia! I didn't say you could drink that!”

“You didn’t say I couldn’t either, so... Don’t you have a book to find?”

Green giggled, finally feeling the weed starting to do it’s job. “Yeah, what are we even looking for here?”

Spike sighed, dragging a purple palm across his face. Even if he hadn't spent his life around ponies, Spike still would've looked like a dork. Guess that's just Nature vs. Nurture, ya know?

He pulled out another book out and flipped through its pages. “We have this book full of local, like... local legends around here somewhere. It talks about aaaaaall kinds of magical and potentially dangerous myths. I’m pretty sure there was something in there that could help you with your... 'curse'. I actually found it in a secret compartment myself, it sort of saved the day in the end!” He said with pride.

Berry held the bottle to her forehead in a mock dramatic pose. “What a hero! He found a book!” She used her whole body to roll her eyes, spilling fine wine on the floor and herself. Good thing she's purple... maybe she started out white?

Spike leaned off the ladder and waved his book at the drunk mare. “It did! And quit making a mess down there, I’m the one who always has to clean it up!”

“Hey, Spike?” Green cut in. “If you’re looking for a book of legends, why are we in the cooking section?”

“What do you mean... Are we?” He opened the book he held, which happened to be titled ‘Seven Nearly Palatable Radish Dishes’ . Pffff, as if there are any palatable radish dishes. He blinked in confusion. “We are! Holy shit, your weed is way better than mine.”

“Best in Canterlot. Now tell me where that book is or I’m gonna start shaking this ladder.” Green stood on her hind legs and placed her forehooves on a rung, rocking it just a little to drive home her point.

“Okay! Don’t get all psycho on me, it’s right over there in the big display case.” Spike clung to the ladder, pointing with a claw to the other side of the room. Sitting on another stump, under a dome of glass, was a bound leather book with a shiny gold nameplate.

Green released the ladder, and Spike sighed in relief. “Way to be helpful. Eventually.”

Berry finished the last of the fine wine and repeated her soap-opera pose. “Once again, the day was saved by the finding of a book!”

Slowly, Spike made his way down the ladder. “You know what, you can both go fuck yourselves.” He grumbled, wiping a layer of dust of his flamboyant scales.

Lifting the protective glass, Green swiped the old volume from it's resting place. “My my, such language. Would Twilight wash your mouth out with soap for saying that?” Spike flipped her a tiny, purple bird as she brought the book to a reading stand and cracked it open. “Okay let’s see here, cures...”

Berry trotted up from behind with surprising coordination. She really knows how to hold her 100-year-old vintage. “I don’t know what you’re expecting to find in there, Greenie. I would think ‘can’t-stop-pot-smoking’ is a rare curse to have.”

“And if Twilight was here she’d tell you, curses aren’t even real.” Spike added, beginning the arduous task of cleaning the ransacked library. “Maybe you’re just an addict with a half-rotten brain who thinks she’s cursed?”

“Maybe if Twilight was here, you’d have much bigger things to worry about, shorty.” She shot back, flipping page after page for anything useful.

“Well then it’s a good thing she’s not, cause you'd be in just as much trouble as-”

“Spike? What’s with all this smoke!” A voice cried from outside the front door. Spike froze in place, his pupils shrinking into pinpricks. The sectioned door cracked open, and in walked a lavender unicorn with wings. “Are you trying to cook something again? I thought I told you not to use the-”

“OH SHIT!” Berry interrupted, pointing a hoof at the wing’ed newcomer. “It’s Princess Twilight!”

Despite the shouting, Green Leaf remained peacefully calm in the building chaos. Spike's pipe had finally gotten its shit together and gotten her nice and toasted. She wasn’t quite sure what was happening... but she really liked the unicorn's wings. Who gets lucky enough to have a horn and wings?

“Spike... what the HAY is going on in here? And what is that awful smell?” The princess growled, using her magic to open every window. She spread her magnificent wings to blow out the smoke, and only then did it finally sink in for Green.

“Wings... She’s an alicorn. Cause she’s a Princess!” It all came rushing back, and she responded in the most reasonable way she could think of. “BERRY, GRAB THE BOOK AND LET’S FUCKING BOUNCE!” She shouted, then ran over to Equestria's newest princess and shoved her out of the door frame.

“I DON’T WANNA BE LOCKED IN A DUNGEON!” Berry cried, swiping the book of legends and bolting through the cleared exit.

“I’LL PROBABLY BRING THIS BACK !” Green shouted back to the fallen alicorn, then took off after her friend. “ AND I’M REALLY REALLY SORRY I PUSHED YOU!” she added for good measure.

Twilight stumbled back onto her hooves as the pair disappeared into the town. “Hey! Get back here! That book is not available for check out!” They heard her shout, an anger growing in her words.

“Spike, YOU ARE IN SO MUCH SHIT!”

Author's Note:

Soooo much dialog!
Sorry about the wait again... but the next update probably wont be till after I get back from Bronycon. And sleep off my hangover.

Comments

[MerlosTheMad]

So, a story about a pot smoking pony, who's mildly offensive and is keen on settling down once and for all and making some friends.

This can only end well!

[HeartsWarmth]

Fun, fun and fun, error perhaps?

After a few hits from Spike’s pathetically small pipe later, they told Spike about Green’s curse and began searching the library for something useful. He now stood at the top of a *labdder*, obviously feeling the effects and swaying precariously. Trying desperately to keep his balance, he pulled various books off the shelf he leaned against.

[BoogaBingBangBow]

Hooray for more pot pone! Shit's gonna go down if Twilight gets her hooves on Green.

[SolidBlackPanda]

My, my, princess. Such language is unbecoming of royalty. But it's still funny as fuck.