Chapter 1
In Space, Olimar, the brave astronaut was heading home with the Pikmin, a weird alien race that was really colorful. He check the fuel gauge and noted that he was low on fuel. He looked out of his cockpit and saw a planet that looked surprisingly like earth. He headed there in hope to find a gas station.
Twilight was hanging with her friends: Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Spike the Baby Dragon. Just then 4 UFOs came down and landed 20 feet from them.
"What are those things?" asked a frighted Fluttershy. Then a door opened an a strange being came out of one of the UFOs.
"Who and what are you?" asked Twilight in a defensive stents.
Olimar introduce himself and explained everything up to this point. He told them about him crash landing in a strange world, and finding the Pikmin.
Pinkie Pie asked "What are those?" and pointed to a Colorful UFO.
"That's an Onion, that's were Pikmin live." expanded Olimar.
"A what?" asked Rainbow Dash.
"It's better to show you one than to explain." said Olimar. He whet up to an Onion and called one out. A red plant-like thing came sliding down a pole and whet up to Olimar. Rarity fainted at the site of it.
"Awww, what a cute little guy." said Fluttershy and she whet up to it.
"How many of those colorful things are there?" asked Applejack.
Then Olimar explained that their are five types of Pikmin: Yellow Pikmin, Red Pikmin, Blue Pikmin, Purple Pikmin, and White Pikmin.
"What's the different between Pikmin besides color?" asked Twilight.
Olimar explained that Red Pikmin are Fireproof, Yellow Pikmin are shockproof and lighter than other Pikmin, Blue Pikmin can swim, Purple Pikmin can lift 10 times more weight than a other Pikmin and 10 times heaver than other Pikmin, and White Pikmin are Poison Resistant, poisonous to eat and can see underground.
Olimar asked where he can find a fuel source. "I don't know but, I know who to ask." said Twilight. Then the mane six, Olimar, and a group of Pikmin whet to the Canterlot Castle to talk to Princess Celestia.
In case you don't know what a Pikmin looks like here's a photo from the internet:
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uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh...
ALL OF MY YES!
Ummmmm...
Sorry but no. This needs ALOT of work.
For starters Olimar and Pikmin are tiny... VERY tiny.
And why does Olimar know that the name of our planet is Earth, his people know it by another name.
And the writing is very very fast. Too fast, and no explanations given about the whole size thing eather.
Well... good luck.
Ok... I would recommend doing a rewrite. First of all, the first chapter should not do that much explaining in just three hundred words. Second, Olimar and the Pikmin are tiny creatures, compared to a human, they are about the size of a GameCube memory card (which is a little taller that a humans foot). Third, I already found plenty of spelling errors here.
So, make the pacing a slowly, change the scale of Olimar and the Pikmin, and fix the mistakes. This story has potential.
Here is a picture of Pikmin compared to ponies.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/2/12/241358/thumb.jpeg
3424593 I get that pikmin and Olimar are as small as a GameCube memory card but that makes me ask another question. What if the ponies are as small as Olimar?