This is odd, on so many levels. The star of the thing is quite a jerk, though properly contrived. It's a dumb sex story, so of course he's a Gary Stu with super magic and Lyra is pure evil.

Very meh.

4867272 Question! How is someone getting by on their one ability matched with planning things out a Gary Stu? He went in with a plan, and executed it. I honestly don't see how he is a Gary Stu at this point. Sure I haven't given him a weakness at this point, but if you are talking about the control spell, there are plenty of weaknesses. After all, not all stories just up and tell you weaknesses in chapter one of many. And now, not being belligerent, just honestly curious so that, if necessary, I can fix it with my editor while he is still available.

Nice. Now we need more )

A Weak Mind Is A Rapable Mind.....Remember That Kids.

well... it is an iterensting concept but you jump quite a bit. At first he's bored of Lyra telling him about humans and then he's suddenly a total jackass who threatens to destroy her whole life based on a past that you as the author just pull out of nowhere and hit us in the face with it. On that note, how was a little therapist able to find out about Lyras past life when the whole freaking guard apparently couldnt?
Also, for being under the effect of a mind control spell, lyra seemed to still be pretty concious and aware of her actions.

I'll give you the benefit of a doubt and wait for future chaps but i think you should step up your game in the future

Seems like an interesting story. I so didn't see the plot twist,

4867380

The lack of weakness is the glaring problem. The fact that his plan worked so well, along with his super-powered mind-rape spells working so well. And how he can know everything about everyone.

Maybe future chapters will explain how he can be killed, or thrown into a black hole, or trapped in every mirror.

4870244 His weaknesses will be shown, but for the first chapter I wanted to show what he is doing, and set up the plot. Things will get explained in the future.

4870329

I see. That's good. I was just afraid this would be a standard hentai-horror/ahegao harem ending, where the guy just wins. It looked like that given that Lyra was just randomly made into a sex criminal.

Actually if you think about it carefully his plans are very open and quite vulnerable to being jeopardized, if he goes after the wrong pony, then he could easily find himself in a lot more trouble than just getting the law on his but. Like Twilight for example, if he tries the spell on her, she probably goes through a morning screening for enchantments and common unicorn buffs to help keep her body vital and working like a rejuvenation spell so she can keep up with her earth pony friends and a harden skin spell to keep her from suffering lesser injuries during her adventures. Anyway, when she goes through the list of enchantments she should have on her body, then she would most likely find any extra spells that were cast upon her and dispel them without much difficulty. Similar to how a hacker and computer expert regularly screens their computers from updates to programs and run their virus protection spells. There are probably a lot of plants in the everfree forest that cast some really nasty hexes on Twilight and her friends during their adventures.

however this is just an example I don't really know what the author has planned.

This is a well written story, and I look forward to reading more. Who knows how far a magical psychologist could go? Keep up the good work man

4870244 He isn't the family you know.
Also, just because it starts out seeming unbreakable, doesn't mean that a pony with even the slightest bit more ability and skill in the field of magic couldn't notice and outright Break the spell. But I'm sure this will be the plan all along, I also predict that a certain Blue unicorn will be the one to do it.
P.S. I find it hard to believe that Lyra really did any of that, and Find it easier to think that he was using the spell to manipulate her memories to make her think this was true. After all, if this is his method, then there are a lot of ponies he won't be equipped to deal with.

4951068 'blue unicorn'. HA! As for your Lyra theory, I will leave that one out of the blue, though, next chapter, we settle the matter of the problem with an over-arcing plan.

4951433 If you hurt Trixie so help me..