Fluttershy has a little secret keeping it from her special somepony, or should I say special somebody.
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Twice it's size as compared to what? You need to point out a frame of reference for this.
Sapphire? Who dis? Sapphire Shores? Where did she come from?
Her... who? Derpy or Dinky? Also, there ought to be, at the very least, a question mark after "you sure,". It is a question.
Sire? Or sir?
I'm surprised you didn't make this a full-blown run on sentence.
"Her smell just overwhelmed all my senses." Would be a better line.
And please. Don't get me started on the tense shifts. I'd never stop.
Okay.... Who the f*ck is sapphire?