The world of unstable magic and splitting factions is Pre-Element Equestria, and for Preston, Damien and Matt this world is now theirs...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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this made me smile... a lot
yay...new found respect
2690751
k, so story wise hows it going?
2690974
first part lacked emotion? Good rape is bad...for most ppl. <- shhh
2690765
Just finished. The spelling and grammar does have a minor, but noticeable, effect on the story. I'd recommend, when you get the chance, to go back and fix the errors to make the story flow better. There are also a few homonym errors (ex: using "to" instead of "too") that could use some fixing.
As for the story, minus the spelling/grammar issues, I think it deserves more attention than it's getting. I don't think I've read any HiE stories that take place just after Equestria's founding. Congrats on that (and what seems to be the back story for Chrysalis). I have a few issues with the characters and their lack of common sense (I'm ex-Army, what I call common sense is a little biased in this situation as I have training that the characters don't), but I believe that's the point you've been trying to get across. Matt is a straight up fool (not just being young and stupid, but rather lacking in any common sense at all), Damien decided to take an unnecessary risk (not helping the kid's mother, but rather staying after) and seems to have been killed due to it, and Preston seems to have a habit of being too trusting (I carry concealed, which would have changed the situation tremendously, and I would have used it a few times, no matter which path I traveled in this story) and repeatedly putting his foot in his mouth. As for the storyline itself, I'm curious to see where it goes. It does feel rushed during certain bits of the story (all of this happened within what? 2, 3 days?) and a few of the character interactions could stand to be flushed out a bit more, but the story is unique enough that I'm willing to overlook a few of the issues.
And from now on, Star Swirl is going to have the nickname "Gandalf" from me I will refuse to call him anything else.
2691070
Thx, glad you have found somethings you enjoy. Hope you will stay for the rest
good work here and I wonder if you have found out one more of the Secrets of "writing captivating chapters"
Because you certainly have done it.... MAybe even without knowing it~~~
[Yoda]*coughed I had*[/Yoda] *rises more 'obvious hint flags'*
... P.S.
I just can't keep my mouth shut...
Every Chapter need a Crescendo... A 'highlight' so too say... or more the storial and emotional peek of the Chapter...
... storial... hmpf... what would a proper 'attribute making' term be for "Story", storial is obviously no proper term...
[Rarity whine]Even if English is a very nice language, it just lacks the greater amount of technical terms German has~~~[/Rarity whine]
2691015
*roles his eyes* I meant it from an few point of an author. ^^"
Just a bit more insight in this very intimate moment, like her thoughts, wishes and desires in this moment, how she must have felt her desire of power satisfied, while raping him 'n Stuff~~~
P.S.
2691070
WOW!
a really rare, wise and well founded technical critique that is seldom nowadays ^^
Care to stay in contact? Maybe even joining our little group the TWC? We can always use more people which truly know what they are speaking about! ^^
2691189
It is my first time doing full 3rd person from more than one pov... But yes I see what you're talking about Most likely i'll get better for my next 3rd person, this...well its my first try.
2691219
P.S.
Well good first try is good~~~
Leux out ^^
2691233
oh ya no new chapters for a few days, (can't post without my editor)
Sigh, oh how I hate mind reading. I'm still interested, but only because I expect revenge ten-fold from the humans.
2691365 yeah, Imagine Platinum tells Discord and then the emotions that come from this allow Damien to wrestle back control and beat her arse into the ground