The Hermit's Tale

by BlackRoseRaven

Entry Six

Entry Six

I feel sore and tired: it's been another long day, during the course of which we suffered our second attack from Hel. It was a smaller unit, but was composed of well-trained and well-armed First Tier demons. We were able to respond promptly and impede their approach by disrupting their ability to portal through the Vale, but they used phasing and reality-altering magic to rapidly cut the distance. They weren't an assault team: they were an invasion team.

Three of them made it into Valhalla's halls: they moved quickly, and clearly had a particular target in mind. They had no interest in engaging anything else that attempted to get in their way, resulting in few injuries overall: instead, they only plowed through my soldiers or froze them solid or... stopped them in some other nonlethal fashion. Hel appears to be keeping her promise.

Two demons almost reached me, but were taken down by Terra. I asked her to capture, not kill, and admirably, she did so: I know it's very hard for her to resist her instincts, and... it meant a lot to me. Unfortunately, it was pointless: we placed the demons in cells for later interrogation and evaluation, and both of them... killed themselves, as did the other sole survivor of the invasion team. All we learned was that Hel ordered them to try and 'tag' me, and if they failed... they were to die. And of course, that they weren't to use lethal force.

It made me feel more uncomfortable with this sick 'game' Hel is playing, how she's ordered her soldiers to kill themselves when they fail in their objective, like they really are nothing more than playing pieces to be destroyed and replaced after each and every game. Expendables... it bothers me. It bothers me because Hel is a necessary and unfortunate – and powerful – ally: will she one day do the same to us when we no longer make amusing playthings for her? Is life nothing more than a game to her, to be modified the moment she begins to feel bored?

I sigh and shake myself out. Aria and Excelsior were both with me, in the locked down strategy room, while Terra was defending me. Aria also stood ready at my defense, while Excelsior tried to hide behind the table, but to his credit did continue to offer his opinions and take my dictation. Which I suppose means he is getting braver and more open, even if... well, baby steps. Foal steps, I suppose I should say. I'm still not used to all these... pony-terms.

I'm... it's been a long day. Apart from that, I've dealt with the Pious, and fallout from Hel's meeting with Brynhild. The Valkyries and most of their family returned to their own layer yesterday, although I have conceded to allow Antares Mīrus to stay here for a week so Excelsior can work with him and instruct him in etiquette, and I plan to spend more time with him as well. I'm not entirely looking forwards to it, but he learns fast, and if he keeps his mouth shut I suppose it will make for... a less than annoying experience, overall. I've taught much stupider brutes than him to fake table manners, he should be able to learn a few diplomatic gestures.

I'm laying in bed now. I've left the enchantment running tonight in my study, but carefully ensured that the scroll and quill are now housed inside a sealed safe. I've left more than enough scroll paper to run until morning, so I can simply let my thoughts... spill out. I've edited a lot out of the records and confessions and... made other adjustments here and there, but it means that I need to... I need to gather my thoughts and my courage, and...

This is so hard. I get so close, right up to the edge of it, and then I... my mind twists away, as if in pain. Or my thoughts become uneven, and what I ramble out sounds like self-justification and a mire of pity. Pathetic and weak... and worst of all, stupid. I cannot stand being stupid.

I grumble a little and shift, putting a hand behind my head... and beside me, Terra's eyes open and gaze at me kindly. I blush a little and shift awkwardly, reaching up to adjust the tie that... isn't there. I have no clothes on, that's right, apart from... that silly bone bracelet around my wrist.

She smiles at me and leans in, and drops her head on my chest. I grunt, and am honestly surprised this bed, however enormous it is, can actually support the weight of us both. And then I sigh and let my hand awkwardly reach down and rub along her neck, even as I say uncomfortably: “You're not exactly light, Terra.”

“Oh stop it, Kvasir.” Terra laughs and then wiggles herself over towards me, looking much more like a giant dog than a demonic dragon of steel and bone and pride and sin. She flops a little more over my body, and I sigh tiredly and roll my eyes: but being a homunculus with an easily-changed form, while the bed moans in pain from her weight, I only feel a somewhat irritating pressure. Nothing that can't simply be ignored. Nothing that's... not outweighed by the... strangely welcome warmth that comes with such contact with another person.

Especially one I... I care for. That I care for more than I'm comfortable with thinking about.

I don't understand why everything has to be so difficult. Everything should just be contractual agreements, where decisions are final and overseen by a witness and there are civil and possibly criminal consequences for undue termination or failure to meet the contract's goals.

Actually, scratch the witnesses part. The last thing I need to do is announce my personal relationships to the world, and subject myself to the tedium and frustrations that would doubtlessly come with public inquiry. I scowl a little at the ceiling, thinking about all of this, my mind beginning to slip towards anxieties and pessimism and-

Terra's cold nose presses firmly into my neck and makes me twitch. I glower over at her flatly, and she giggles at me a little, looking at me with those bright eyes of hers, completely undeterred. One of her claws reaches up, tickling along my chest as she settles on me a little more. I grumble at her, but it's not like I can do much of anything: she's strong willed and a dragon covered in metal and... clingy. “You're thinking too much. I can tell that you're thinking too much.”

“There's no such thing as thinking too much. I'm just... trying to make sense of the world.” I say finally in response, sighing and looking up at the ceiling, and then I wince when she presses her cold metal nose into my throat again, shoving at her face grumpily. “Stop that.”

“No.” Terra says cheerfully, and I sigh tiredly: I'm irritated with myself for a moment for agreeing that, in bed and off duty and certain other restricted places, Terra does not have to treat me with professionalism. I halfheartedly wish we still had an employee-employer relationship... even if part of me... does enjoy the way she treats me so... so naturally. “Come on, stop thinking so much. Just... just rest. Relax. You promised me you'd try and relax.”

“I am relaxed. This is me relaxing.” I say moodily, and Terra giggles at me again, which just makes me sigh and look at the ceiling as I gesture awkwardly with one hand. “I could be... filing reports and checking in on the Valkyrie training and... attending to any number of minor and major matters across Valhalla that still need to be addressed, but I am not. I am here, with you, as you insisted, relaxing.”

“That's not relaxing, Kvasir. That's you laying here, mentally going over reports and schedules and fixes you want to apply to laws and just working yourself up even more than you would be doing all that normal work anyway. I want you to relax.” Terra says softly, and then she leans up and kisses me before I can argue with her.

Meeting her lips, that softness hidden among the steel, feeling that mouth that could devour me instead almost gingerly luring mine into a dance of teeth and tongues and tenderness... it makes everything else in my mind simply fall into a stupefied lull. I feel... I can't even begin to describe it, really. There's just the sense that... for that moment, only the kiss matters.

We part, and Terra gazes down at me kindly. I look back at her awkwardly, and then I finally nod and mumble: “Perhaps.... perhaps you're right. But... it's difficult.”

“I know, Kvasir. But Valhalla won't fall apart without you to attend to it for a few hours.” Terra soothes, and I sigh and nod reluctantly: I'm still not so sure about that. The demon smiles at me encouragingly, and then she nudges me lightly. “Why don't you talk to me, Kvasir, about what's on your mind? Just talking might help.”

I shift a little. I'm not so sure about this... I still have a lot of secrets from Terra, and I don't like to talk about business with her. It's not that I don't trust her, but more a mix of professionalism and... well... I don't know what to call it. I trust her, I just... don't want her to think I'm nothing but numbers and statistics and laws. I can be... well... I can be fun.

I'm not honestly sure I can be fun.

I mutter a little to myself and shift uneasily back and forth, then finally nod a bit to Terra as my mind shuffles through appropriate topics. Finally, I settle on something... important to me, but also innocuous. “I dislike Hel.”

“Everyone dislikes Hel, Kvas.” Terra says kindly, and I grumble a little and nod before the demon smiles and shifts a little, gazing down at me. “She's not a horrible person, though. Well, I mean, she is, but she's not at the same time.”

I look at her pessimistically, and she smiles wider with amusement before continuing: “I know she's hard to deal with. But honestly, she's not as awful as she seems at first: She and you even have... similarities, you know.”

“Similarities.” I repeat moodily, but Terra only smiles and nods firmly in response, either missing or more likely ignoring the way I'm glaring at her.

“Yeah! I mean, I know you don't see it on the surface at all, but... she and you are both really good at managing things, and multitasking, and you keep all of Valhalla in order and she keeps all of Helheim under control and rule. I mean, I know it seems a lot like she's just causing mischief and mayhem, but... she does more than that.” Terra continues, and I sigh and shift a bit, but nod a little despite myself.

And another part of me is... funnily glad, too. Hel, after all, was Terra's former employer: she's showing decorum and etiquette in her defense of the goddess despite Hel's many failings. Then again, maybe it's just hard for me to grasp the idea Hel might actually be in charge of Helheim for more reasons than just her sheer power.

Terra leans in and nudges me with her muzzle again when she realizes I'm not paying attention to her, and I make a face and push at her absently before the steel-scaled demon says gently: “And I owe Hel much, anyway. Had I never been transferred from helping protect her home, I never would have gotten to spend all these years with you.”

I nod a little and smile despite myself. It's a cute thought, I suppose. A logical fallacy in a few ways, perhaps, but... no, I understand where she's coming from. So I shift a bit and turn my eyes to her, and I finally ask: “Why did Hel send one of her personal guard in the first place?”

The demonic dragon smiles at me warmly: she always brightens so much when I show any sort of interest in her. She studies me, then leans forwards and plants a kiss on my face, which makes me wince and awkwardly draw my head away even as I feel... a little tickled by it. She answers my question, too, which also makes me feel... happy. I don't know why, it's only a simple question, but for some reason, still... “Because Hel does want Valhalla protected, for a whole host of reasons. And because I think she figured that it would be a way for her to pay tribute to you, Kvasir, as the new King of Valhalla. She does have respect for you.”

I look at Terra mildly for a few moments, feeling as if she's just trying to build up my ego now. Because in no way can I fathom precisely how Hel could possibly respect me. “I'm not quite sure we have the same idea of what respect means.”

Terra rolls her eyes in entertainment, then pushes down against me for a moment, making me wheeze. “Honestly, think about it, Kvasir: why would she spend so much time and energy trying to bother you if she didn't respect you? You see what she does to people who she doesn't consider worth her time: a flick of her fingers, they're frozen in ice or paralyzed or something else horrible. If she didn't respect you and your opinion and what you were trying to do here, she wouldn't bother trying to talk to you or anything. She'd just... well, you know.”

I stop and think about this for a few moments, shifting uncomfortably. It's a funny line of thought to try and follow, the idea that... because Hel might respect me somewhere in that cold, dark heart of hers, that's why she mocks and derides me but so rarely uses force on me. And I think about how easily she'd frozen the entire room, myself included, when she wanted to have a word with me about Gymbr alone...

And even then, she gave me advice – if you could call it that – but not any kind of direct order. I was at her mercy... in fact, I realize all the more now that... I'm always at her mercy. There's no real safe place to hide from her, nothing she can't apparently infiltrate or force her way through... but Terra's right. I can never remember any time when I wasn't given a choice.

My eyes wander, then return to Terra's, and she smiles at me. We study each other, and then she lowers her head a little and says softly: “I want you to understand that you're... important in the grand scheme of things, Lord Kvasir, because I don't think you always do. You consider yourself an administrator, and like you're someone who is... easily replaced or traded out. But you're not, not at all. You do much more than keep Valhalla's gears turning.”

I smile after a moment at her, then shift a little... not uncomfortably, but... well, she's touched upon something that feels... childishly-sensitive. And I also feel a little embarrassed by how well she's able to read me: it's a strange sensation, and stranger still is the fact that I don't want to try and... shield myself from her, pull away.

We're quiet. She snuggles into me, I make some vain attempt to hold her close. Well, perhaps not 'vain,' more 'unnecessary:' mammoth as she is, she already covers me completely in her childish attempt to snuggle herself down against my body. Part of me wishes... it was more uncomfortable than it is. It would give me more of an excuse to try and push her away instead of... making me want to hold her closer.

It feels like hours before our bodies pull away from one-another's, and I slip out of bed and head towards where I've neatly hung up my clothes. In moments, however, Terra is already bounding after me, quick to help me into my clothes. I grumble at her, but she only smiles as she coddles me and insists on buttoning up my jacket for me after slipping it onto my body.

She treats me with deference and respect and... such kindness. It's not servility, but... a respect for my formality, my preferences and etiquette. It's part of why and how we're able to get along so well, I think: I do my best to overlook her eccentricities, she does her best to adhere to certain social standards, and we... meet somewhere in the middle.

I'm glad for it, but... I'm also glad that... she and I are different. The way she behaves... while it grinds on my nerves sometimes, I'm also thankful for it. I think I'm instinctively drawn to people who will challenge me, who will... irritate me, even. I think I need people like that in my life in order for me to remember that... everything isn't serious, failure is not the end of the world, and... the best things can come from things you want to have nothing to do with at first.

Terra offers, as she does every day now, to give me a ride to the meeting hall. I'm fairly certain she knows how uncomfortable this offer makes me, and that's a large part of the reason why she insists on making it every single day, noting how she's still technically off duty. I carefully decline, but she only smiles, then follows maybe a little too close after me when we leave my room.

It's not that everyone doesn't know about my relationship with Terra. It's more the... professional boundaries that I'm concerned with, and... maybe... it sounds silly, but I also worry about what this must look like to others. Here I am, in a relationship with one of my own employees, and a demon at that. A demon who used to serve as one of Hel's guard, no less.

I strongly dislike that part of my job requires me to be aware of how my personal decisions and actions are viewed by the populace at large, but I do recognize it all the same. I always strive to address any concerns, while at the same time I'm aware... I cannot simply... do everything they want me to. Make only decisions that are safe, or easily understood, or reflect the opinions of the majority. Sometimes, in order to protect the majority themselves, I must do the opposite of what they desire. After all, every few months I receive a petition demanding that we cease all negotiations and diplomacy with Helheim. Most people do not understand what a tremendously-disastrous move this would make, or the extreme consequences we would face as a result.

It might surprise some people, but in no way am I a patriot. I know that Valhalla is no better and no worse than a thousand other Heavens out there, just as I know that one day this kingdom will inevitably crumble. All that is simply part of the way things are, nothing more or less. It's perhaps a little... depressing, but... that's life, I suppose.

I never want to lose sight of the reason why I protect Valhalla: the people, not the place itself. Protecting the people is my first priority, those in the Vale and those in the Castle, but... my first instinct is usually to protect the Vale. Those in the Castle have dedicated their lives to protecting the lives of Heaven's civilians, and while I try to afford them both luxury and leisure when I can, I also hold them to what they've signed up for.

Terra nudges me with her muzzle; she gets it right into the back of my neck and pushes firmly, making me wince a bit and stumble before I glower over my shoulder at her, but she only smiles at me kindly and says: “You're thinking too much, Lord Kvasir. Again. Don't you ever stop thinking too much? Or are you determined to be the most thinkingest person in the whole of the ninety-nine layers?”

I look up at the dragon for a moment, but I'm saved having to respond when a voice calls to me from down the hall. A glance up, and I see Aria is heading quickly towards us, with Excelsior and several bookkeepers. Accounts and administrative assistants and... I groan. I'd forgotten. Today we have to compile income and tax reports.

I note that mortals loathe taxes and whine incessantly about the methods used to calculate how much they have to pay and how difficult the process is. Which I find bitterly amusing, as they've never tried to deal with things from my side before. You think that filling out a simple income form is difficult? Try fact-checking and then correlating and calculating all of those forms together, and then attempt to find a fair percentile-based sweeping deduction. Currently we're siting at 2.6%: it's enough to provide some wealth to Valhalla for repairs and payments, while not having any major negative impact on the most meager worker's accounts.

No matter how much I do, they whine and whine about tax dollars. Well, without taxes we can't pay for food import or emergency care or those cranky utility workers who maintain the Vale and the cities. And we also can't pay any of you your salaries. I wish they would just recognize how fortunate they all are, just once: this is Heaven. You're dead. You have more important things to concern yourself with than a few dollars that would likely only go towards poisoning yourself with alcohol or candy or something else stupid.

I sigh and shake myself out. This always puts me in a foul mood, so I do my best to raise my head and... just get it over with. I can't entirely hide my crankiness, and Aria smiles at me a little as she picks up on it, which... I don't know. Relieves me? I don't want it to, but... it does. And Terra smiles too, which I also can't help but like.

I almost fall into a dangerous line of thought in comparing them, but I quickly push that away and instead focus on Aria for the moment, asking in a voice that's calmer than I feel: “So have you already sent out the late notice letters?”

“Of course.” Aria looks at me... perhaps a little vengefully. Perhaps enjoying the fact we're doing my least favorite thing, as Terra lingers behind me. “I've attached the nonpayment list and sorted out the exceptions and put them in another list. We attached them to the back of the pile.”

I sigh again and wish moodily I had some kind of magic or machine to help with this, then I rub at my face slowly and nod. “Alright. Thank you, Aria, your diligence is appreciated. Terra, please go and resume your duties training the Valkyries. Excelsior, you're excused from today's accounting work: I need you to go and act as my figurehead for the council today.”

Excelsior winces and shrinks down a bit, and Aria awkwardly volunteers: “I can do it, Lord Kvasir. Or perhaps... Terra would be happy to sit in for you.”

It's an odd suggestion coming from Aria. A little out of character, but... I'm not a complete idiot. I think I understand why she said it. And when I glance back at Terra, she's smiling and looking down at me pointedly, so I finally sigh and nod hesitantly, muttering: “I... I suppose that it can't hurt. Follow the agenda, and relay any major ideas back to me. I'll send Excelsior with you.”

Excelsior looks less than thrilled, but also less than panicked. His terminal shyness simply doesn't mix very well with Terra's... excitability. And Terra, of course, simply looks thrilled. The sheer amount of delight she seems to take in this order admittedly makes me feel more than a little uncomfortable: perhaps even worried for what she might do with her position of power. Not because I think she'd ever do anything threatening or antagonizing, more because... she doesn't always grasp the idea of maintaining certain norms and traditional etiquette, hard as she tries.

I also admittedly worry a little she'll just override Excelsior completely. Not because she would even mean to, but well... I'm sure I don't have to get into how their personalities could conflict. Terra is already bouncing from claw-to-claw, while Excelsior is... I don't really know the precise word for what he's doing. Curling up, I suppose, comes close. “I won't let you down, Lord Kvasir!”

I look up at the dragon with a sigh and a nod, then say carefully: “Just please. Excelsior knows my schedule, knows the agenda, and is aware of all the-”

“We'll work together, definitely, you bet!” Terra says firmly, nodding a few times, and I really don't know what to say in response to this. I'm only able to sigh and shake my head out a little as Excelsior mumbles something quiet and incoherent. I look at him for a moment, then wince a bit when Terra drops a claw on Excelsior's back, making him whimper audibly. “You know me, Excelsior, we're going to get along just fine together.”

This already gives me the distinct feeling it's not going to work out. I sigh and drop my head, shaking myself moodily out before I turn my attention to Aria, who smiles awkwardly and shrugs a little. She gestures to me, and I nod, striding after her and the accountants as I call calmly to Excelsior and Terra: “Start slow and see about the immigration revisions first.”

There's some... sound of happy agreement from behind me that I completely ignore. I focus on Aria instead, and she smiles at me awkwardly as I fall in step with her, while I nod politely back and put my hands behind my back. I rub my wrist, even as I do my best to keep myself calm and serious: I don't want her to see that I feel... guilty, around her. I know it'll just make her feel worse than she already does.

I don't know how to address the issue, though: we're two professionals, I am her employer and she is the employee. There's a certain expected level of professionalism and... well... oh, this is stupid. I can read her body language and see how she feels hurt and anxious, and I feel awkward and uncomfortable around her, and neither of us ever did anything more sentimental than discuss business over a light meal. This is nothing but pointless and manufactured drama,interfering with productivity.

And yet my stomach churns and my hands keep fidgeting behind my back and I feel like an idiot. I shift a little, and then impulsively glance over at Aria and ask before I'm even aware the words are coming out: “Do you want to be transferred to the new Valkyries?”

Aria looks up at me with surprise, her eyes widening, and I clear my throat before looking quickly ahead and saying in a slightly-more-steady voice: “I know it's what your original desire was, Aria. I don't want to... to hold you back. You are an exceptional assistant to me and a... an important friend... but if it would be preferable, I can have you transferred to the Valkyrie unit. You'll have to be tested, of course, but... it was the original position I was going to offer you and I know you've been keeping up your strength.”

The Pegasus looks at me for a few moments, then she smiles a little and looks straight ahead, saying quietly: “With all due respect, sir, I think you still need my help here more.”

I look down thoughtfully for a few moments, then nod a little. I don't know if I'm agreeing with her, or... something else. It's... a strange kind of feeling. A gesture of supplication, and... everything gets all twisted up inside me and I can't sort it out, but I don't at all mind, and... I can't stop myself from hesitantly, almost-shyly glancing over at her.

She smiles back at me, a faint blush in her cheeks, and then she raises her head and says suddenly: “I'm glad you have Terra looking out for you, Lord Kvasir. And that you seem to... to get along so well.”

“I... I would rather not discuss that during work.” I say delicately, and Aria glances over at me before she sidles a little closer, and I look down at her with confusion.

“What about after work?” she suggests, and I shift and fidget a little before the Pegasus smiles up at me and gives me a look that... disarms me, simply put. “Please.”

I can't say no. There's no way that I can just say no. So I sigh quietly instead and nod grudgingly, and she smiles warmer and wider up at me, nodding firmly. She seems... overjoyed. And I'm... I'm happy she's happy. It's a little... different than with Terra, too, which just makes this strange feeling all the more intense, which... gives it this extra whisper of allure...

I don't really... spend a lot of time focusing on the account books or the endless reams of fiscal reports or the income forms. I spend too much time... looking at Aria. I should have known better and I should have done better. And tempting as it is to continue editing here and just cut out what happened, more... proof of my failings and my weaknesses, I'm trying to keep my promise to keep these edits to a minimum and... I'm leaving this next part in.

Aria and I leave together after roughly eight hours of work. There are many, many more reports and papers to be dealt with, but for now we've made a good start, and the accountants can continue to work before they change shifts. All the reports should be filed within a week, and the improperly-completed or fraudulent forms will then be ready for reassessment, and we'll be able to start sending out collection letters and small reimbursements.

We walk side-by-side through the halls, quiet and... a little awkward, perhaps. It's not often that I spend time with anyone outside of work, after all, apart from... Terra. Thinking about her, probably still stuck in business meetings with Excelsior and the council, while I'm out meandering with Aria... it's a little bit awkward. It makes me feel like I'm... crossing some social more or something.

I shift and adjust my tie a little, and eventually we step out into one of the gardens. Aria easily jumps up into the air and flies over to a bench to drop down on it, smiling over at me and patting the seat beside her, and I grimace even as I walk over and sit carefully down, dropping my hands on my knees and looking at her uncomfortably. We're about the same size, but... thanks to our different body structures, she seems shorter than me.

She smiles a little over at me, and I glance around: there are all kinds of flowers and vines and... pretty things. I don't really know much about plants, and personally I think these gardens are somewhat of a waste: if we have such arable soil here in easy access, why not grow herbs and food and plants with medical uses instead of these... pretty flowers?

“It's nice here. Quiet.” Aria says, and I glance over at her and shift a bit before she smiles at me and continues: “There's so few places like this in Valhalla now. Places where we can come to just.. sit and think and... be with each other instead of... for some specific reason or purpose. I'm glad everything has a purpose, don't get me wrong, I just... think it's important to have places that don't have purpose, too.”

It's like she reached into my mind and countered my argument before I could even completely form the idea. I shift awkwardly and brush my mane back, giving a lame smile before I shake myself out and mumble: “I suppose that I never really thought of it that way before.”

Aria only smiles at me again, and I shift a little in the silence that follows before Aria glances up and asks, with a... a strange bravery that I admire her all the more for: “How are you and Terra doing? It's been... a few weeks now, right?”

I'm not sure how long it's been, honestly. For me, the days often blur together, and time is just an imprecise measurement. I'm more concerned with the hours than the days, and my schedules don't depend on staying assiduously aware of time, but on ensuring everything is completed as quickly as possible, before time runs out.

So I'm only able to shrug a little, and Aria... she brightens strangely at this. She seems to slip a little closer, and I frown a bit at her and shift uncomfortably as she leans up and asks quickly: “So is it strange at all for you? I mean... you two clearly...”

“I... I don't exactly want to talk about it, Aria. Nor am I entirely sure what's polite to discuss with you, since so much of it regards... Terra. It's not... it doesn't strike me as...” I don't really know where I'm going with this line of argument, because all I can fall back on are business rules and cultural laws, and I somehow feel neither of these would exactly be proper to apply to a romantic relationship.

But Aria smiles a little once more and nods, and there's quiet between us. She's... blushing a little, and her eyes keep flicking up towards me, almost shyly. I look back at her now and then, and... I really don't know... what to say or do. For some reason all of this feels a little... a little... I don't know.

I feel her hoof on my shoulder, and I glance towards her curiously. I meet her eyes, and we look at each other for a few moments... and then, before I even fully comprehend what's going on, she leans up and she kisses me.

I don't know what to do. It's all so much to take in and... when I grasp at her, my hands don't push her away, they pull her closer. The kiss lasts forever, and forever is too short: when our mouths part for a moment, it's only to gasp for breath before I move forwards and she meets me eagerly, inviting me on, pulling me over her.

I've cut this part of the story out because I do not think the details are necessary. Besides, you can clearly infer what happened from that point on. And I'm shaking a little now as I write this, not... not knowing why it feels important to include. Maybe just because it... it further testifies to the fact that I am weak, and prone to giving in to temptation and... because I do want this to be a confession of all the stupid things that I've done.

The worst part? It was good. It was... fun. And the thrill of being here with her, in this public area, having just done... what we did on impulse. That sense of... misplaced adventure. It makes me shiver a little because I know it's bad and yet I still want more. And Aria... how she pressed into me, clung to me, whispered sweet words to me and told me that it was all going to be okay... I... I believe her even now. Even though I know, no, things aren't okay.

And of course I'm a little afraid, too, of what's going to happen once Terra finds out... because I know, inevitably, that Terra will find out. Even if I can hide from her emotional reading for a few days, there's no way she won't eventually pick up on the changes in behavior between myself and Aria...

And yet I want this continue. I know it's a horrible, stupid idea, but... well... Terra herself said she's only a mistress, right? No true suitor. So... am I really doing anything wrong? Am I really betraying Terra by... I sound so weak and tinny even in my own ears. And I know my heart wouldn't beat like this, my thoughts wouldn't race, and I wouldn't be afraid every moment of an angry dragon crashing through the door if... I wasn't doing something wrong.

I don't really know what to say. I can't defend my actions. I don't know what I was thinking, or what Aria was thinking. I only remember that when we pulled away from each other, and I straightened out my suit and she brushed herself off, she looked at me and I looked at her and she asked me meekly if I would meet her tomorrow and I... I said yes. And I will meet her tomorrow, and I want to meet with her tomorrow.

I'm trying not to think about the consequences, even though I know that's stupid. But the pleasure is so good, and it feels like... like an adventure, in so many ways. Terra makes me feel happy, but she... I don't think it's even that she truly annoys me. But there's an envy of her mixed into all my other feelings for her, and the fact that she is so... so free, and strong. I often feel like I'm neither of those things.

Aria, on the other hand... looks up to me. Thinks so much of me... so much more than I deserve. And she's small and when I hold her, she curls up against me and it feels so... right, in so many ways. And so good. And everything seems to make a little bit more sense.

I care about them both. Which makes this all the more twisted and painful, because much more frustrating than that, neither can also legally be identified as an actual suitor or partner. Terra herself identifies herself and acknowledges her role as my mistress, but... what does that make Aria? My secret lover, mistress number two, something... something even odder than that? I don't know. I can't phrase it or make sense of it. It's just something that... that is.

So I'm sitting here, writing down my thoughts with this quill now, trying to make sense of everything that doesn't make sense. And do you know what bothers me most of all? It's not the fact that I'm... cheating on my mistress and risking the wrath of a dragon and pride demon. It's not the fact that I don't know what Aria wants, if this was some impulse or she's... trying to compete with Terra for my affection and my... feelings. It's the fact that neither of these friends, these... people important to me... no one knows about Gymbr.

That leads into the sickening realization that Hel is the only person in my life who knows my secrets, who... I've actually been able to speak to about my problems, and seek the aid of for... the difficulties I've gotten myself involved in. I would do anything to make that not true... no, that's a lie. It just took writing it down for me to understand that it's a lie, because, really, what do I have to do to share my problems with Aria or Terra? Gymbr has always told me, specifically, that Brynhild and Scrivener Blooms cannot know of his existence. That he wants to avoid being known of by that certain selection of people from Looking Glass World but... he's even recommended finding others to... pass information through, use as... help...

I could just tell Terra or Aria. Both of them would be great help in... managing Gymbr, especially with the creature's... madness. But I'm worried about putting them in danger... either of them, even if I suppose I haven't done a very good job of protecting either of them, really. Even if I reflect upon the current situation I'm in and understand that... well... I'm being selfish, and stupid, and maybe by trying to... I don't want to... 'control' them, I just don't want... what we've been sharing to end. I want to be happy. Both of them make me happy.

And it's... well, in a strange way, it's like an adventure. That thrill, that... what Aria and I did, how we could have been caught at any moment, and... well... the thought of it even now makes me... fidget. I think I understand more now why Odin was always known to be such an... 'adventurer.' Then again, many of the Aesir and Vanir were known for... adventurousness.

Maybe I was destined from the beginning to be a philanderer. I'm an even greater joke than I thought: deity of cheating on your illegitimate mistress.

I need to focus on something else. This is petty drama and it's not helpful. But writing down my thoughts has been... soothing, in a strange sort of way. Of course I'm terrified all the more that if these papers are found and nothing has happened to me, instead of writing down a confession of sins and notes that might give the reader some answers as to my fate and... anything else... I'm instead just authoring my own treasure of blackmail.

It's going to be important to protect this. Which means I need to find ways to protect it from Hel as well as Gymbr: Gymbr, at least, seems to have trouble with the wards that protect my study. Hel, on the other hand, seems unstoppable and all-knowing, and... I realize that trying to hide any of this from her, as I write it, is a ridiculous idea. She knew about Gymbr, after all, and my deal with him: that was a much better-kept secret than my relationship with Terra, or what I've done with Aria.

So I should prioritize. Ensure that this is protected, first and foremost, from Gymbr, and worry about Hel when I am forced to. She seems to enjoy making me suffer, but even malicious as she is, I don't believe she'd do anything to destabilize Valhalla... although maybe to her, revealing my faults and reveling in my humiliation would be worth whatever problems it causes me.

And maybe I'm just... strangely-hopeful that the cost of revealing my... 'extracurricular activities' would be so high that it would threaten my rule. Because if Hel really does have even a modicum of respect for me or doesn't want to see Valhalla topple, then like Gymbr, it would become a private taunt, and not something to blackmail me with. While unfortunately I have the feeling that instead it's something she'll happily use to verbally tar and feather me.

I'm not at all looking forwards to what's going to happen next. I know that it can only be one of a few possibilities, none of which are pleasant, all of which... very badly reflect upon me. I may be the author of my own destiny, but that does not necessarily make me a good or even competent writer.

When I glance back at what I've just written, I shudder. Did I honestly just make that pun? What is wrong with me, why am I getting more and more drawn into attempting to be some... grand narrator, make this more of a story instead of embracing this for what it is... just a confession. A series of notes, pages describing... my failure.

But at some point, I realize, I started to want to make this... more than that. I want to be understood: not pitied, perhaps not even sympathized with, but... understood. At some point that became as important as confessing my sins, and while perhaps it's part of why... I've been so hesitant to confess in full what I am responsible for... at the same time, I think it's led me towards trying to make things accessible, for a lack of a better word.

And it's helped me continue this, and find reasons to go through the trouble of... learning to better work the enchantments, and further refine my own thoughts and focus, and... simply improve on things. I want to do a good job with this, not just leave behind a list of failures and accomplishments. I want you to know my story.

I wonder if that's... for better or worse, though. My editing, my modifying, my... sordid attempts to turn this into some kind of... narrative instead of simply a list or confession. I want to be understood, and remembered, and... show why I failed. I'd like to pretend it's to teach a lesson or so that others won't make the same mistakes I have, but I know the real reason is simpler and more selfish: I don't want to be remembered as a failure or a fool.

There is something I should probably address, that has some bearing on this whole situation. Something I haven't really discussed yet, that has to do with Gymbr, that might make it clearer why... I continue to hold myself accountable.

As I've mentioned briefly before, Gymbr requires my blood. It keeps him stable, and keeps him strong. And without my blood, Gymbr weakens. That's part of what drives him into such a... a frenzy, I think. He cannot stand the idea of being lesser, of being weak.

If, childishly, I ran to Looking Glass World... Gymbr likely wouldn't risk following, and he would no longer have access to my blood. Yes, there are ten thousand excuses, such as what Gymbr might do if he loses control... but ultimately, it would result in his demise, one way or another. And that I'm fairly certain, outweighs almost every cost.

Besides, I can protect Valhalla and my... those I am close to... from Gymbr with ease. It's simply a matter of arranging for Terra, Excelsior, and Aria to leave as part of a diplomatic team, and then ordering a lockdown drill to avoid panic. During the drill, there is no state of alert but Valhalla does go into full shutdown mode: an extended drill might raise some eyebrows, but will also avoid full panic, and with luck will trap Gymbr in the sublevels.

But to do all this... to make such a cunning plan work... it would require a bravery I do not have, especially because... I still feel that Gymbr knows me better than I know myself. That somehow, I'm being pulled along into doing exactly what it wants; inside of me, something twists and whimpers that maybe Gymbr wants me to lock down Valhalla, so it can use its ability to phase from place-to-place and exterminate any threats to it room-by-room, or gather victims for its grisly... experiments.

I know that's likely just more cowardice, though. I know that there's more options, too, and I know that, ultimately, Gymbr needs me much more than I need him. He needs me to protect the dungeons he roams in, he needs me to keep his secrets, he needs my blood and perhaps... something else. And he needs me to act as a contact point between himself and Hel.

Which, I realize, also strikes me as strange: if nothing is beyond Hel's power or reach, why didn't she contact Gymbr herself? And why haven't I seen Gymbr in... many days now? Why do they both warn me against each other but at the same time... acknowledge each other as necessary allies?

I have so many questions, and... writing these thoughts down might not help me get any answers, but it does at least help me get my thoughts in order. I'm sure this must all seem like a jumble to whoever is reading this but... please. Bear with me. I have a feeling that one way or another, things will be moving faster soon and I'll be getting the answers to my questions.

Because one way or the other, I know that I'm going to have to make my own move. I'm going to have to bow to Gymbr's will completely, or betray him.

Betray him... why did I choose that choice of words? Is it because Gymbr has gotten so deep into my head or... would it really be betrayal? Am I being naïve and stupid or do I really think... is it possible that Gymbr's motives really are to help me?

I don't want to think about this anymore. I'm ending this entry here. I need some time to try and get my thoughts in order, and just... try and figure out what I should do next. Gymbr and Hel and... everything else... it's all becoming a little much for me to handle on top of this drama I suppose I'm responsible for letting continue myself.

I wish there was an answer. It doesn't even have to be an easy one, just... clear. I need clarity, that's what I need. I need a direction to go in, something I can focus on, schedule, an item on an agenda I can prioritize and direct my efforts towards.

I'd do anything just to have an answer.