GLaDOS studied Twilight through the cameras as Twilight continued to test, occasionally she would stop and talk to herself while making notes in her notebook. She was smart, GLaDOS could not deny that. But Twilight was trying to convince her about friendship. GLaDOS was unsure if she could actually feel the ability to feel anything warm and friendly, at least not since Chell’s departure. She did miss Chell, but refused to admit it. She even refused to delete her from her memory banks. She was also unsure completely of why Chell had felt so important to her. She felt so…empty…
Twilight finally made it to Test Chamber 5. GLaDOS promptly spoke as Twilight entered through the door. “I must warn you; this test is incredibly dangerous if you do not appropriate friendship into it. I remember a core that failed to use friendship. I just thought you might like to know that. Guess where he is now? The moon, where Celestia sent her own sister. And you are still her student.” Twilight listened to her first sentence but ignored the rest. She did not need to listen to insults about her or her mentor.
She looked around, and sure enough, she heard the little turrets asking if someone was there. Twilight smiled, because she knew how to handle the little guys. She had taken notes on the physics of a turret and its general makeup; including its weaknesses and strengths. She knew a turret could be taken out by being picked up and then dropped, or simply just knocked over. Or even thrust through portals.
She looked around the corner, and the turrets chirruped lines like, “Are you still there?” “Hello?” They sounded so cute, that it made Twilight sad to hurt them in any fashion. She looked around where they were- guarding a button for a cube dispenser. There were six of them, each in separate “cubicles” nearby the button. She portal-ed herself to one, slipping behind it. She immediately picked it up.
In a mechanical panic, the turret uttered a cry for help. Twilight had already set her portal to go to another turret, and quickly slammed their little white bodies together. Both turrets went down in a hail of bullets. “No…hard…feelings…”
Twilight made her way to another turret. “Who ARE you?!” the turret exclaimed as she picked it up from behind and dropped it on another. Bullets and mechanical screaming still commenced. “I don’t hate you…”
Once she disposed of the last pair of turrets, she pushed the button to release a cube from the cube dispenser. She then portal-ed herself, and the cube, to the big button on the floor. The big door opened. Twilight finally walked through, but to her surprise GLaDOS spoke without any form of malice.
“I am, or rather, was Caroline. I was the assistant to the CEO of this facility, Mr. Cave Johnson. And all my life, I’ve only seen two great test subjects. One of them is you, but you are nothing like the other test subject. Nothing like her at all…”
The elevator opened to a small hotel-like bedroom. A refrigerator, television, and radio were all available and functional. A closet and small bathroom with soap and shampoo was also available, too. Twilight rested her bag on a small chair right next to the bed. She went in the bathroom, stripped, and showered; but she put on the clothes she had on before- the testing clothes. She looked up at a camera right next to the bed. “I see you. No, I really don’t care, and you must rest before you continue testing. Sleep well.”
Twilight threw herself on the bed and sighed. It was a long journey until testing was complete. She curled up in the machine-washed covers and fell asleep.
Well, White Shadow, this story...It's great, in a way. There's only a couple of minor problems:
~Your chapters are too short, in my opinion. I believe that the greatest chapters are the ones that are in-between 2,000-5,000 words...and the occasional 10,000+ word chapter.
~You don't add enough details. (Kinda part of the first problem) You need to go more in-depth with the chapters. Especially the testing parts of it. I'd recommend this: Go into portal one or two, into a good but not too short, test chamber. Analyze each step you take to complete the chamber. (not literal steps, but you know what I mean.) Then, try to write out what you did. From there, try making your own test chamber based on this fanfic, and make it feel like you just played that level, or saw someone play that level.
Fix these problems, and maybe try my strategy, and you'll get more views, likes, and favorites. Trust me!
Also, if you ever need a proof-reader/editor, PM me. I'm almost always available. (When not working on my own stories.)
~F.A.D.
I like the concept and stuff but yeah... Details details details... A portal fanfic is absolutely no good without minute details as precise as the location of the cameras or observation decks and even the location of the aperture science weighted testing cube... A portal level is complex and your writing style appears to be too simplistic and "to the point" for this :/ if you improve this Is going in my favorites :)
2620032 this guy doing this story is doing an estimate of 25,000 words ending it takeing long time and check this outhis first rise of element
2621113
Thank you for the suggestions!
I'll consider that when editing and writing future chapters.
And thank you for the fave, that helps!
2621321
Ten seconds flat? XD
Really? You think its that good?
2620032
Thank you Dark!
I'll definitely consider your suggestions for future chapters!
BTW, I COULD use a proofreader in cases like this.
2624376Just PM me if you want me to take that position.
~F.A.D.
2624683
PM...?
2642223Ahem, PM=Personal Message.
Or just tell me here.
~F.A.D.
2643474
Ooooh. Yes, I need you as a proofreader.
2621113
Approved!
GLaDOS cares about chell?