• Member Since 19th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 8th, 2017

Daylight Shadows


E

Twilight Sparkle is asked to travel to the dimension of the setting of Portal and Portal 2: Aperture Sciences Labratories. GLaDOS wants to test her to see if she really is adept at puzzle-solving and if Twilight can actually teach her something about friendship. When Twilight arrives, she becomes human, and must survive the 19 test chambers, with the promise of cake. But she is aware of the dangers ahead, and the one question that really haunts her is, is the cake a lie?

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 19 )
Comment posted by Daylight Shadows deleted May 24th, 2013

Well, White Shadow, this story...It's great, in a way. There's only a couple of minor problems:

~Your chapters are too short, in my opinion. I believe that the greatest chapters are the ones that are in-between 2,000-5,000 words...and the occasional 10,000+ word chapter.

~You don't add enough details. (Kinda part of the first problem) You need to go more in-depth with the chapters. Especially the testing parts of it. I'd recommend this: Go into portal one or two, into a good but not too short, test chamber. Analyze each step you take to complete the chamber. (not literal steps, but you know what I mean.) Then, try to write out what you did. From there, try making your own test chamber based on this fanfic, and make it feel like you just played that level, or saw someone play that level.

Fix these problems, and maybe try my strategy, and you'll get more views, likes, and favorites. Trust me! :twilightsmile:

Also, if you ever need a proof-reader/editor, PM me. I'm almost always available. (When not working on my own stories.)

~F.A.D.

I like the concept and stuff but yeah... Details details details... A portal fanfic is absolutely no good without minute details as precise as the location of the cameras or observation decks and even the location of the aperture science weighted testing cube... A portal level is complex and your writing style appears to be too simplistic and "to the point" for this :/ if you improve this Is going in my favorites :)

one word so far awesome and i can do that in ten seconds flat :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: what poor joke not really :trollestia:

2621113
Thank you for the suggestions!
:pinkiehappy:
I'll consider that when editing and writing future chapters.
And thank you for the fave, that helps! :derpytongue2:

2621321
Ten seconds flat? XD
:rainbowlaugh:

Really? You think its that good?

2620032
Thank you Dark!
I'll definitely consider your suggestions for future chapters!

BTW, I COULD use a proofreader in cases like this. :twilightsheepish:

2624376Just PM me if you want me to take that position. :trixieshiftright:

~F.A.D.

2642223Ahem, PM=Personal Message. :pinkiesmile:
Or just tell me here. :rainbowlaugh:

~F.A.D.

2643474
Ooooh. Yes, I need you as a proofreader.

3591115
It nis believed that Caroline, the woman uploaded into GLADOS was Chell's mother.

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