Chapter 1
It started out to be a typical summer day in Australia. Now, I wasn't anything special or significant. I was 20 and ran a small boat hire business that barely made enough to get me by, because I wasn't particularly qualified for anything else. I never drove, even though I had a licence. I just preferred walking.
I was just headed home when a storm came over. Again, nothing unusual about that for summer in South-East Queensland.
So anyway, I kept walking, not particularly noticing or caring about the rain, my drenched clothes or anything else for that matter. Earlier that day, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message, but I've been dead inside too long to care. It started when I saw the human race for what it truly is, as the last of my friends drifted from contact, but I didn't really die inside until I lost my entire family last year. Old age took my grandfather, drug abuse caught up with my father, my uncle lost to his cancer, my mother and younger half-brother died in a car accident that put my older sister in hospital where she died not long after my grandmother was taken by the grief. I attended all their funerals, but not once did I cry. I was sad, yes, and wanted to, but I didn't cry.
...But I'm digressing.
As I got to my small, two bedroom house that I was renting, I got into dry clothes and turned on the computer, despite the storm being in full swing now, to continue my usual mediocre procedure of dealing with misanthropy haters and looking into what was considered to be pseudo-scientific, crack-pot theories on time and space.
Now, I must have dozed off, because I woke up with my head on the desk with the computer still on. I checked the time and read it as either 10:37 or 11:37, but I wasn't too sure. Switching the computer off I looked out the window to check the storm, when there was a bright flash across the street, near the unfinished apartment building that was being built.
At first I dismissed it as lightning and was about to call it a day when I realised that I couldn't hear any rain or thunder. Looking out the window again, I saw a small lump on the street and decided to take a look, throwing on a pair of black jeans, a black T-shirt and a grey overcoat. As I investigated the lump with my old boating torch, I saw that it was a blanket covering something.
As I lifted the blanket, I gave a yell and stumbled back, throwing the blanket away like it was a brown snake.
There, sleeping in the street, was a tiny grey foal with a yellow mane and tail.
But what really drew my attention was the tiny, feathered wings on its back.
Apparently woken by the noise I made, the foal yawned and looked at me.
Those eyes.
Those beautiful, amber wall-eyes.
Scared by the noise I'd made, she grabbed the blanket and pulled it over her body, leaving just her eyes and nose in view. I just knelt there with one hand out, whispering, "It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you," over and over until she finally stepped out and cautiously came closer.
After she sniffed my hand, I gently brushed her muzzle with the back of my hand and soon realised how cold she was.
Gently picking her up, I took her into my house, laid her on my couch and got her a fresh, dry blanket. As I placed the blanket over her, she almost immediately went to sleep.
The moment I walked away, the full gravity of the situation hit me...like a tonne of bricks. I started pacing, trying to make sense of it all. I was so engrossed in my thoughts, I never noticed the light slowly growing brighter from my couch until it consumed everything in the room, myself included.
I tried shielding my eyes, but I couldn't move.
Then the only sensation I knew was a searing pain beyond all possible imagination. The best description I can give is having every cubic milimetre of flesh shredded by needles.
And then...nothing.
The only way to describe it is 'bliss'. No more pain, fear or anger. No more joy. No more sorrow. No more anything.
All I had was a single recurring thought that didn't even seem mine. A familiar question.
'Why are we here?'
And then I found myself here.
In a smoking crater.
In a large field.
In Equestria.
...Not that I knew that at the time
With the pain from the transition little more than a memory, my senses returned to me, one by one.
Gentle sunlight on my skin. The smell of nature, not yet corrupted by 'progress'. The sound of a gentle breeze passing through branches. The sight of a perfectly clear sky. And finally, the taste of blood in my mouth.
Rolling over and getting to my hands and knees, I shut my eyes and spat out the blood and muttered one of my favourite lines.
"Ugh. My mouth tastes like high-school."
Slowly getting to my feet, I felt several familiar cracks from my spine before tilting my head left and right for the same result from my neck. As I opened my eyes, I was hit with an overpowering wave of nausea and proceeded to throw up bile, having not eaten prior to my displacement.
Wiping my mouth, despite it being clean, I looked down and made a mental note to clean my metal-capped boots at the first available opportunity.
Finally standing straight, I took in my surroundings. Everything had bold outlines and colours really stood out.
Thinking out loud, I said, "Well this is new."
As I spoke, there was a surprised squeak from behind me. Turning, I saw a small yellow pony on the edge of the crater. With more curiosity than rationality, I approached, only to have it hurriedly back away from me before finally stopping to cower under its forelegs, pink mane shifting slightly with its fearful shakes.
Before I could try and convey my lack of ill-intentions, another voice, this time to my left, drew my attention.
"Get away from Fluttershy, you monster!"
As I turned to face the new voice, I was blasted off my feet by a cyan pegasus, which then proceeded to pin my shoulders and glare at me, even as some of the techni-colour hair fell in front of the left eye.
"Nopony hurts Fluttershy and gets away with it," the mare said, threateningly.
Acting on instinct, I quickly wrapped my legs around her waist and started trying to crush the breath out of her.
As she gasped at the sudden force, the pressure on my shoulders lessened and I explained, "I'm not a pony, and if I wanted to hurt her, you wouldn't have been able to stop me."
With a twist that strained the joints in my shoulders in a way I'd never felt before, I quickly slammed her onto her back and pinned her still flapping wings with my hands
At that moment, rope made its way around my neck and pulled me off, restricting my breathing. As the blue pegasus quickly got up and hurried over to me, my last thoughts were, 'Fate must really hate me'
Looking up, I saw the blue pony's hoof descending before my vision flashed red and I was surrounded by darkness with the 'taste of high-school' back in my mouth.
[-]
With the 'monster' unconscious, Rainbow Dash went to Fluttershy who was still trying to hide under her forelegs.
"It's okay Fluttershy. The creature's knocked out...for now anyway," Rainbow said with a sideways glare at it.
As Fluttershy slowly stopped shaking, Rainbow made her way over to Applejack, who was awkwardly trying to retrieve her rope without directly touching the creature. After extricating her rope from its neck, she proceeded to tie bind its limbs.
Without waiting for AJ to finish, Rainbow said, "I'll go get Twilight. She might know what this is," and took off, leaving the farm pony with no idea of what she should do with the bleeding creature.
"Fluttershy, it's bleedin'. Could ya help me stop it."
[-]
Upon arriving at the library, Rainbow Dash heard Twilight's voice at the speed it usually went when she panicked. Upon entering, however, she soon found that the unicorn was interrogating the local, muffin obsessed mail-mare, who never got the chance to answer a question before getting asked another three.
"Twilight, come quick! There's an unknown creature near Sweet Apple Acres that tried to attack Fluttershy!"
At that, Twilight stopped her barrage of questions, paused to look at Rainbow and process what was just said before returning her attention to the letter-carrier.
"Stay here while I deal with this. If you ask, I'm sure Spike will make you some muffins," she said while grabbing several books.
Then, with a bright flash, Rainbow, Twilight and the books she had were gone. Soon after, Spike walked in from an adjoining room.
"Hey Derpy, where'd Twilight go?"
With a shrug, the grey pegasus said, "She said I could have muffins."
As realisation of what she implied hit the dragon, his smile dropped.
"Oh crud."
[-]
At the Carousel Boutique, Rarity was adding some detail to her latest design, when her vision suddenly became filled with pink.
"RaritymypinkiesensejustwentoffandsomethingbigishappeningatSweeApplaAcresandtheothersmightneedourhelp!"
Before Rarity could register what had just happened, Pinkie Pie was out her door and gone from sight.
"I had best go make sure nothing too drastic happens," Rarity decided as she started towards her friend's farm.
"I bet I'm going to get all dirty."
sensation
Memory
nausea
cubic milimetre of flesh -> millimeter
the
from
You don't use periods, quotation marks and commas like that, instead it should be:
"Nopony hurts Fluttershy and gets way with it," the mare said threateningly.
You've made this error throughout the chapter.
I was 20 and ran a small boat rental business that barely made enough to get me by, because I wasn't particularly qualified for anything else.
bedroom
misanthropy
check
should have a space between thunder and looking.
missing a space, should be yellow mane and tail
its
pulled it over her (body)
laid
surprised squeak
instinct
unconscious
I just knelt there with one hand out
Hey Derpy, where'd Twilight go?
You should use a shorter chapter title..... much shorter...
2507634 Heh, you forgot one
when it should be At the carousel boutique
It should be "After accidentally interrupting one of Twilight's spells, Derpy is temporarily displaced into a different plane of existence. What nopony expected, however, was that she'd bring something back with her.
lots of spelling errors, perhaps you can find an editor to help, also fan
find an editor
and dash, he was obviously not attacking
That guy below just outlined most of the errors, PLEASE go and fix it, because reading this is just painful otherwise
2507420 I actually did spell millimetre correctly. I'm using the Australian standard, so you can expect small things like that.
Well you've got a lot more cleaning up to do! Hopefully what I've highlighted can help. This story has the potential for some delicious angst.
2506305 2507393 I never said I don't want criticism. I just don't have the patience for haters.
2508994 Well you're going to get them whether you want them or not, so you gotta learn to roll with the punches. While people may dislike elements of the story such as the premise or the direction of the story, I doubt many people would actually hate it. And if they do, so what?
2508020 Thank you for pointing those out.I have rectified the errors. I would use an editor, but it's too much of a hassle when I'm attempting to do this using the Xbox Live version of Internet Explorer.
2509788 Thank you
Well it sounds as though he's bleeding pretty heavily, so he can't become conscious all of a sudden. I'm hoping I'm wrong but I'm betting we'll see the usual shtick, he wakes up, looks around, sees ponies, what are you, me pony, me human, sorry for attacking, no it's okay, let's be friends, yaaaay!
I mean, how much times have we seen the protagonist get attacked in the story and when he wakes up, almost instantaneously forgives them. In most cases cases, he almost never displays any anger or very little for a very brief time, which is not a logical response. For all intents and purposes, the guy should be steaming mad he got attacked out of the blue, not instantly trying to make friends! I'm hoping you can change that trend in writing. You can do it!
2509098 Your story description also has some errors.
2511892 I'm hoping while he's unconscious we'll see some more character development, probably some of his past events that made him so.
2511892 You're in luck, but the character doesn't get angry. Anger is an emotion and, well...re-read the first paragraph.
Hopefully you'll like the next chapter when I finish it.
2512025 I pretty much covered that in the first paragraph.
2513965 Hmmm, so will he be more or less emotionless, a rather ambivalent fellow who seems to take everything in stride? That could work, not a reaction, but a lack of reaction, cool almost to the point of being cold. Well, as long at it isn't the usual Barney and Friends scenario, that'll be refreshing. By the way, how soon is the next chapter coming out? I have exams and I like to take a break in studying to read stories.
2513973
What I was trying to say is that while he may be all stoic on the outside, after a traumatic event like getting bucked in the face, his memories and tragedies can come to haunt him while he's unconscious. You could go into detail for example, how his reaction was when he found out his brother was dead, or maybe he witnessed his father dying right in front of him. After all you said, that he didn't die inside until his family was dead, so he must have felt some level of emotional pain as each member of his family died. Maybe in the nightmares, they all blame him for their deaths. After all, while he may have control over himself for the most part while awake, it is not so while unconscious, so he might feel emotion even now while unconscious.
Well that was rather short, but since it's the prologue, I expect the chapters to be longer in the future. Can't wait for more.
2514377 Perhaps...You bring to light some interesting ideas. I might use them for futer chapters, but the unconscious parts are supposed to be closer to memory gaps. But the nightmare idea will be a good way to integrate Luna.
2514542 I'll try, but I'm not a very good writer, so don't get your hopes up
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/77921/1/not-another-human-in-equestria-story-aka-how-i-learned-to-stop-worrying-and-love-the-brain-worms/haters-gonna-hate
How to NOT write a HiE fic.
2522692
2508151 dash is worst pony
2507634 you are my hero