• Member Since 16th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen 41 minutes ago

rikusorasephiroth


Owner, founder and CEO of Randomocity Enterprises(tm).

T

After accidentally interrupting one of Twilight's spells, Derpy is temporarily displaced into a different plane of existance. What nopony expected, however, was that she'd bring something back with her.
As fate would have it, it was me.

...Not that I actually care though.

Set in a universe based on what I would probably be like if I hadn't been introduced to MLP: FIM

Rated Teen for occasional and occasionally excessive language.

This is a first person, self-insert HiE fic. If you don't like any/all of those categories, don't read it.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 100 )
Comment posted by Umachan deleted Dec 14th, 2013
Comment posted by JBL deleted Dec 14th, 2013
JBL

Then the only snesation I knew

sensation

more than a myemory

Memory

an overpowering wave of nausia

nausea

cubic milimetre of flesh -> millimeter

Comment posted by JBL deleted Apr 30th, 2013
JBL

Twilight and th books she had were gone.

the

Soon after, Spike walked in fom an adjoining room.

from

"Nopony hurts Fluttershy and gets away with it.", the mare said, threateningly.

You don't use periods, quotation marks and commas like that, instead it should be:
"Nopony hurts Fluttershy and gets way with it," the mare said threateningly.

You've made this error throughout the chapter.

JBL

I was 20 and ran a small boat hire business, that barely made enough to get me by, because I wasn't particularly qualified for anything else.

I was 20 and ran a small boat rental business that barely made enough to get me by, because I wasn't particularly qualified for anything else.

As I got to my small, two bedrom house that I was renting

bedroom

mediocre procedure of dealing with misanthopy haters

misanthropy

Switching the computer off I looked out the window to chek the storm

check

I couldn't hear any rain or thunder.Looking out the window again

should have a space between thunder and looking.

foal with a yellow maneand tail.

missing a space, should be yellow mane and tail

feathered wings on it's back.

its

she grabbed the blanket and pulled it over herself

pulled it over her (body)

I took her into my house, layed her on my couch

laid

As I spoke, there was a suprised squeek from behind me.

surprised squeak

Acting on instict,

instinct

With the 'monster' unconcious

unconscious

JBL

i just knelt there with one hand out

I just knelt there with one hand out

"Hey Derpy, Where'd Twilight go?"

Hey Derpy, where'd Twilight go?

You should use a shorter chapter title..... much shorter...

2507634 Heh, you forgot one

At carousel boutique

when it should be At the carousel boutique

JBL

After accidentallyinterrupting one of Twilight's spells, derpy is temporarily displaced into a different plane of existance. What nopony expected, however, was that she'd bring something back with her.

It should be "After accidentally interrupting one of Twilight's spells, Derpy is temporarily displaced into a different plane of existence. What nopony expected, however, was that she'd bring something back with her.

lots of spelling errors, perhaps you can find an editor to help, also fan

find an editor

and dash, he was obviously not attacking

That guy below just outlined most of the errors, PLEASE go and fix it, because reading this is just painful otherwise :raritydespair: :raritycry:

2507420 I actually did spell millimetre correctly. I'm using the Australian standard, so you can expect small things like that.

JBL

Well you've got a lot more cleaning up to do! Hopefully what I've highlighted can help. This story has the potential for some delicious angst.

2506305 2507393 I never said I don't want criticism. I just don't have the patience for haters.

JBL

2508994 Well you're going to get them whether you want them or not, so you gotta learn to roll with the punches. While people may dislike elements of the story such as the premise or the direction of the story, I doubt many people would actually hate it. And if they do, so what?

2508020 Thank you for pointing those out.I have rectified the errors. I would use an editor, but it's too much of a hassle when I'm attempting to do this using the Xbox Live version of Internet Explorer.

Comment posted by Umachan deleted May 9th, 2013

Well it sounds as though he's bleeding pretty heavily, so he can't become conscious all of a sudden. I'm hoping I'm wrong but I'm betting we'll see the usual shtick, he wakes up, looks around, sees ponies, what are you, me pony, me human, sorry for attacking, no it's okay, let's be friends, yaaaay! :facehoof:

I mean, how much times have we seen the protagonist get attacked in the story and when he wakes up, almost instantaneously forgives them. In most cases cases, he almost never displays any anger or very little for a very brief time, which is not a logical response. :ajbemused: For all intents and purposes, the guy should be steaming mad he got attacked out of the blue, not instantly trying to make friends! :facehoof: I'm hoping you can change that trend in writing. You can do it! :twilightsmile:

JBL

2509098 Your story description also has some errors.

2511892 I'm hoping while he's unconscious we'll see some more character development, probably some of his past events that made him so.

2511892 You're in luck, but the character doesn't get angry. Anger is an emotion and, well...re-read the first paragraph.

Hopefully you'll like the next chapter when I finish it.

2512025 I pretty much covered that in the first paragraph.

2513965 Hmmm, so will he be more or less emotionless, a rather ambivalent fellow who seems to take everything in stride? That could work, not a reaction, but a lack of reaction, cool almost to the point of being cold. Well, as long at it isn't the usual Barney and Friends scenario, that'll be refreshing. By the way, how soon is the next chapter coming out? I have exams and I like to take a break in studying to read stories.

2513973

Earlier that day, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message, but I've been dead inside too long to care. It started when I saw the human race for what it truly is, as the last of my friends drifted from contact, but I didn't really die inside until I lost my entire family last year. Old age took my grandfather, drug abuse caught up with my father, my uncle lost to his cancer, my mother and younger half-brother died in a car accident that put my older sister in hospital where she died the next day and my grandmother was taken by the grief. I attended all their funerals, but not once did I cry. I was sad, yes, and wanted to, but I didn't cry.

What I was trying to say is that while he may be all stoic on the outside, after a traumatic event like getting bucked in the face, his memories and tragedies can come to haunt him while he's unconscious. You could go into detail for example, how his reaction was when he found out his brother was dead, or maybe he witnessed his father dying right in front of him. After all you said, that he didn't die inside until his family was dead, so he must have felt some level of emotional pain as each member of his family died. Maybe in the nightmares, they all blame him for their deaths. After all, while he may have control over himself for the most part while awake, it is not so while unconscious, so he might feel emotion even now while unconscious.

Well that was rather short, but since it's the prologue, I expect the chapters to be longer in the future. Can't wait for more.

2514377 Perhaps...You bring to light some interesting ideas. I might use them for futer chapters, but the unconscious parts are supposed to be closer to memory gaps. But the nightmare idea will be a good way to integrate Luna.

2514542 I'll try, but I'm not a very good writer, so don't get your hopes up

Personally,
1) Yes, Lyra Heartstrings, no hand obsession. This is just a personal thing.
2) No blood. If you add blood, it can become weird. (However, a small amount of blood is fine e.g. yes nosebleeds, no "And then I punched her in the face, with blood gushing out of her eyes and ears. Some drops fell into my already bloodstained mouth). Find the balance.
3) No physical description. Because it's a second person story, people read it to pretend that they are the character. If you include a description, it takes this away. (This is why Twilight is so popular with 11 year old girls. There was no description, so they could easily pretend that they were a character)

All in all, I really liked this story, but not enough that I will keep watching it. Good story though. :rainbowwild:

2551576 Thanks for the opinion about Lyra.

I was thinking more realistic, along the lines of 'felt the warm blood run as its claws opened the skin of my arm'. No over- or underplaying it.

It's in first person, not second.

2551627
Your point about it being first-person is true. Sorry. :rainbowderp:
Anyway, my point still stands.

Your blood seems good. Well done.

JBL

1. You can include Lyra minus the hands obsession, although you could portray her as being more intrigued by him and willing to accept him more than the other ponies.
2.Yes to the blood, once it isn't overdone.
3. You can leave pieces of the description every once in a while, not just one big description.

Comment posted by JBL deleted May 20th, 2013
JBL

"So um...," she atarted.

started

"Human. Scientific name, Homo Sapiens Sapiens. Genetic sub-group to Homo Sapiens,"

Think you got mixed up with this sentence...

"The lonliness passed and I haven't been sad for a long time," I explained with a reassuring smile.

loneliness

"Oh please, Applejack, he simply HAD to be exagerating.

exaggerating

"Curiosity ,luna.

"Curiosity, Luna.

I continued to watch as two signifcantly larger ponies approached the door and went inside.

significantly

," Princess celestia said when her prized student rose.

Celestia

"Not any more."

anymore

"what about them?"

"What about them?"

asked after recieving the explanation that Twilight was given.

receiving

turning, she started to walk away, before looking back to me saying,

Turning, she started to walk away, before looking back to me saying,

concerned about Pinie Pie if I were you.

Pinkie Pie

whtat would happen

what

Celestia was in the doorway, sayin

saying

Upon hearin that Celestia and the other large pony walked out. As the slighly smaller,

Upon hearing that, Celestia and the other large pony walked out. As the slightly smaller,

JBL

Story-wise, I didn't like how he condemned humanity with such a broad brush, sure we have our problems but it's not all bad the way he makes it sound. After all, by describing humanity with such generalizations, he would be inadvertently applying them to himself, which could be to his detriment. After all, all they have to go on is his words. In this way, he comes off as preachy and self-righteous, as though he was a shining light amongst the darkness that was humanity.

He also seems to be taking things a bit too calmly, getting attacked by the ponies, being held captive and questioned was taken in stride a bit too causally to be logical. Also, I would not imagine that coming into contact with the ruler of a nation, he would also be so flippant and casual; while he might not bow or show reverence, he should have been at least more nervous than you portrayed him.

Comment posted by JBL deleted May 19th, 2013

2599418 The view on the collective of humanity is from having no reason to like it and I never said he didn't count himself.

As for the reactions, it comes down to a lack of interest in well-being. The aggression passed near the end of chapter 2 and he didn't know what Tia and Luna are capable of so he didn't think it mattered that much.

JBL

2599494 Hmmm, in that case you could have emphasized his lack of care for his well being.

Awesome. Another angsty protagonist with a hatred of humanity, I already know where this is going. When did misanthropy become a fashion statement anyway?

2599520 I would have, but I couldn't figure out how to word it

2599661 I highly doubt it. And see the misanthropy as little more than a reason to not go back.

Yeah...
...no. I mean the guy has like no family. Wouldn't that be a reason not to go back? No one back home to go back to? Meh, just feels like he's using misanthropy to be "cynical" and "edgy." But whatever, I guess. It's your story I'm was just reading it.

Good day.

2601922 You have the reasons and results right but in the wrong order.

Comment posted by rikusorasephiroth deleted May 20th, 2013
Comment posted by rikusorasephiroth deleted May 20th, 2013
Comment posted by rikusorasephiroth deleted May 20th, 2013
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