After accidentally interrupting one of Twilight's spells, Derpy is temporarily displaced into a different plane of existance. What nopony expected, however, was that she'd bring something back with her.
As fate would have it, it was me.
...Not that I actually care though.
Set in a universe based on what I would probably be like if I hadn't been introduced to MLP: FIM
Rated Teen for occasional and occasionally excessive language.
This is a first person, self-insert HiE fic. If you don't like any/all of those categories, don't read it.
Chapters (5)
sensation
Memory
nausea
cubic milimetre of flesh -> millimeter
the
from
You don't use periods, quotation marks and commas like that, instead it should be:
"Nopony hurts Fluttershy and gets way with it," the mare said threateningly.
You've made this error throughout the chapter.
I was 20 and ran a small boat rental business that barely made enough to get me by, because I wasn't particularly qualified for anything else.
bedroom
misanthropy
check
should have a space between thunder and looking.
missing a space, should be yellow mane and tail
its
pulled it over her (body)
laid
surprised squeak
instinct
unconscious
I just knelt there with one hand out
Hey Derpy, where'd Twilight go?
You should use a shorter chapter title..... much shorter...
2507634 Heh, you forgot one
when it should be At the carousel boutique
It should be "After accidentally interrupting one of Twilight's spells, Derpy is temporarily displaced into a different plane of existence. What nopony expected, however, was that she'd bring something back with her.
lots of spelling errors, perhaps you can find an editor to help, also fan
find an editor
and dash, he was obviously not attacking
That guy below just outlined most of the errors, PLEASE go and fix it, because reading this is just painful otherwise
2507420 I actually did spell millimetre correctly. I'm using the Australian standard, so you can expect small things like that.
Well you've got a lot more cleaning up to do! Hopefully what I've highlighted can help. This story has the potential for some delicious angst.
2506305 2507393 I never said I don't want criticism. I just don't have the patience for haters.
2508994 Well you're going to get them whether you want them or not, so you gotta learn to roll with the punches. While people may dislike elements of the story such as the premise or the direction of the story, I doubt many people would actually hate it. And if they do, so what?
2508020 Thank you for pointing those out.I have rectified the errors. I would use an editor, but it's too much of a hassle when I'm attempting to do this using the Xbox Live version of Internet Explorer.
2509788 Thank you
Well it sounds as though he's bleeding pretty heavily, so he can't become conscious all of a sudden. I'm hoping I'm wrong but I'm betting we'll see the usual shtick, he wakes up, looks around, sees ponies, what are you, me pony, me human, sorry for attacking, no it's okay, let's be friends, yaaaay!
I mean, how much times have we seen the protagonist get attacked in the story and when he wakes up, almost instantaneously forgives them. In most cases cases, he almost never displays any anger or very little for a very brief time, which is not a logical response.
For all intents and purposes, the guy should be steaming mad he got attacked out of the blue, not instantly trying to make friends! 
I'm hoping you can change that trend in writing. You can do it! 
2509098 Your story description also has some errors.
2511892 I'm hoping while he's unconscious we'll see some more character development, probably some of his past events that made him so.
2511892 You're in luck, but the character doesn't get angry. Anger is an emotion and, well...re-read the first paragraph.
Hopefully you'll like the next chapter when I finish it.
2512025 I pretty much covered that in the first paragraph.
2513965 Hmmm, so will he be more or less emotionless, a rather ambivalent fellow who seems to take everything in stride? That could work, not a reaction, but a lack of reaction, cool almost to the point of being cold. Well, as long at it isn't the usual Barney and Friends scenario, that'll be refreshing. By the way, how soon is the next chapter coming out? I have exams and I like to take a break in studying to read stories.
2513973
What I was trying to say is that while he may be all stoic on the outside, after a traumatic event like getting bucked in the face, his memories and tragedies can come to haunt him while he's unconscious. You could go into detail for example, how his reaction was when he found out his brother was dead, or maybe he witnessed his father dying right in front of him. After all you said, that he didn't die inside until his family was dead, so he must have felt some level of emotional pain as each member of his family died. Maybe in the nightmares, they all blame him for their deaths. After all, while he may have control over himself for the most part while awake, it is not so while unconscious, so he might feel emotion even now while unconscious.
Well that was rather short, but since it's the prologue, I expect the chapters to be longer in the future. Can't wait for more.
2514377 Perhaps...You bring to light some interesting ideas. I might use them for futer chapters, but the unconscious parts are supposed to be closer to memory gaps. But the nightmare idea will be a good way to integrate Luna.
2514542 I'll try, but I'm not a very good writer, so don't get your hopes up
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/77921/1/not-another-human-in-equestria-story-aka-how-i-learned-to-stop-worrying-and-love-the-brain-worms/haters-gonna-hate
How to NOT write a HiE fic.
2522692
Personally,
1) Yes, Lyra Heartstrings, no hand obsession. This is just a personal thing.
2) No blood. If you add blood, it can become weird. (However, a small amount of blood is fine e.g. yes nosebleeds, no "And then I punched her in the face, with blood gushing out of her eyes and ears. Some drops fell into my already bloodstained mouth). Find the balance.
3) No physical description. Because it's a second person story, people read it to pretend that they are the character. If you include a description, it takes this away. (This is why Twilight is so popular with 11 year old girls. There was no description, so they could easily pretend that they were a character)
All in all, I really liked this story, but not enough that I will keep watching it. Good story though.
2551576 Thanks for the opinion about Lyra.
I was thinking more realistic, along the lines of 'felt the warm blood run as its claws opened the skin of my arm'. No over- or underplaying it.
It's in first person, not second.
2551627
Your point about it being first-person is true. Sorry.
Anyway, my point still stands.
Your blood seems good. Well done.
1. You can include Lyra minus the hands obsession, although you could portray her as being more intrigued by him and willing to accept him more than the other ponies.
2.Yes to the blood, once it isn't overdone.
3. You can leave pieces of the description every once in a while, not just one big description.
started
Think you got mixed up with this sentence...
loneliness
exaggerating
"Curiosity, Luna.
significantly
Celestia
anymore
"What about them?"
receiving
Turning, she started to walk away, before looking back to me saying,
Pinkie Pie
what
saying
Upon hearing that, Celestia and the other large pony walked out. As the slightly smaller,
Story-wise, I didn't like how he condemned humanity with such a broad brush, sure we have our problems but it's not all bad the way he makes it sound. After all, by describing humanity with such generalizations, he would be inadvertently applying them to himself, which could be to his detriment. After all, all they have to go on is his words. In this way, he comes off as preachy and self-righteous, as though he was a shining light amongst the darkness that was humanity.
He also seems to be taking things a bit too calmly, getting attacked by the ponies, being held captive and questioned was taken in stride a bit too causally to be logical. Also, I would not imagine that coming into contact with the ruler of a nation, he would also be so flippant and casual; while he might not bow or show reverence, he should have been at least more nervous than you portrayed him.
2599418 The view on the collective of humanity is from having no reason to like it and I never said he didn't count himself.
As for the reactions, it comes down to a lack of interest in well-being. The aggression passed near the end of chapter 2 and he didn't know what Tia and Luna are capable of so he didn't think it mattered that much.
2599494 Hmmm, in that case you could have emphasized his lack of care for his well being.
Awesome. Another angsty protagonist with a hatred of humanity, I already know where this is going. When did misanthropy become a fashion statement anyway?
2599520 I would have, but I couldn't figure out how to word it
2599661 I highly doubt it. And see the misanthropy as little more than a reason to not go back.
Yeah...
...no. I mean the guy has like no family. Wouldn't that be a reason not to go back? No one back home to go back to? Meh, just feels like he's using misanthropy to be "cynical" and "edgy." But whatever, I guess. It's your story I
'mwas just reading it.Good day.
2601922 You have the reasons and results right but in the wrong order.
2601965 ....Wut nao?
...Nevermind.