The Suicide of Twilight Sparkle

by Dream Daze

Waking Up

"UGH!" - Twilight screamed as she twitched on the floor. She stroke her left front hoof, it felt like something sharp had gone through it.

"What in the--?" she said, getting up from the stone floor. "A... timer?"

On her hoof was a digital clock, gleaming bright red digits: 8:00. She wobbled in place, nauseous, and leaned on a nearby wall.

She stretched her wings and looked around her. "I must be in Canterlot," - she thought - "how did I get here?"

She rubbed her forehead with her hoof trying to remember, finding only gaps in regard of late events. Then she examined her head for any bumps or bleeding, "I could've crashed into something, maybe I felt ill during flight?

Twilight paced slowly about, to regain her blood pressure. The pacing soon became rapid and irritated, "Calm down, Twilight. Be rational" she said to herself. Six minutes left, "To what?"

Before she could place her thoughts in order, a shout echoed from up the street. Without wasting a second thought, she ran towards it-- It was certainly a cry for help. "I should stay on the ground for now," she thought, remembering the dizziness she felt as she woke up.

The screaming became clearer as it has less walls to bounce on. It was Fluttershy.

In a wide plaza laid Fluttershy crying, surrounded by strange black... things. Twilight didn't think twice, or once, for that matter, as she detected movement towards her frightened friend she cast a spell on the creatures, destroying the one it hit directly and scaring the rest away from Fluttershy.

Twilight aproached her:
"Fluttershy, are you okay?-" she paused, trying to catch her breath "-Did they hurt you?"

Fluttershy lift her head and looked at Twilight only to start crying again, not being able to utter a single word. What could've possibly caused Fluttershy to act like that? "This could be cause for alarm," Twilight thought "but then again, she is sensitive. Maybe she's just scared."

"What were those creatures? - Twilight asked, laying her hoof on Fluttershy's shoulder.

As the two ponies touched, a bright light enveloped them. They felt each other's heartbeat in their chests. Their life and thoughts linked for a split second and their whole view on the world shifted and turned lopsided and right side up again.
Twilight felt the joy and love of the forest and all it's creatures. The peace. The quiet. The kindest hearts belonged to animals, and only animals were incapable of harming her feelings. She felt loved by everything and she loved everything back.
Fluttershy felt the joy of fulfillment, the joy of purpose. Having a goal, struggling towards that goal, the guidance of Princess Celestia - the only truly perfect being in equestria - and the road to become a better version of oneself each day.
Both of them dived into intimate parts of each other and felt something that they've never stopped to think it could be as great as what they already had.

After seeing each other through the other one's eyes, both figuratively and literally, they returned to normal, proceeding to stare dumbfoundedly at each other for a few seconds until, in a distance, a second scream broke the silence.

Twilight snapped back into panic mode.

"Fluttershy, please, listen to me," She was talking slowly and carefully, "hide. Don't move. Stay out of sight until I come back. Okay?

Fluttershy started tearing up again. Twilight lost her calm "Please, Fluttershy! I need you to do as I say, please!"

Fluttershy nodded in agreement and, without wasting anymore time, Twilight turned around and lift off, flying in the direction of the scream. As she flew, countless books flipped through her head. Did she read about those creatures? Is any picture in her memory similar to the black silhouette she had sighted? What were they trying to do to Fluttershy? What ARE they?

As she looked down she realized she was flying closer to the ground and slower than what she had intended, so she continued on foot without giving it much thought. Upon reaching the alley where the scream came from, she saw more of those - things - gathering around a male pony.

"Help me!" - He shouted at the sight of Twilight, but it was too late. The moment she stopped to inspect the creatures, to gather any amount of information on their appearance, was at a great cost. They were already cutting deep into his skin with their sharp talons. Twilight felt a chill down her spine, the death of that pony would haunt her from now on.

She cast another spell, burning the creatures in the alley to a crisp, and ran towards the pony laying on the floor. He was already gone.

To her surprise, the pony was hollow, as if he was just a shell of skin and fur brought to life. Soon enough, the pony's body turned black and white and static seemed to distort his body. By and by he vanished into thin air, seemingly peacefully.

She took a second to digest what just happened. As she tried to form a better image of the creatures in her head, she remembered Fluttershy, and that she left her alone.

She jumped back in a spring and opened her wings, almost backflipping, and in the rush of getting to Fluttershy she crammed her right wing into the wall, which caused her to crash-land onto a pile of cardboard containers. She smashed through them and got up running faster than she thought was possible. This time, no books or scrolls went through her head, only Fluttershy's gentle smile, and the possibility that she had spent her last moments crying. "I don't care what the creatures are anymore, I just wanted her safe," Twilight thought, tearing up.

When she reached the plaza she was nowhere in sight. In fact, the plaza was empty and it's usually packed. How many ponies did those things get to? And what was Fluttershy doing this far from home anyway? Nothing made sense!

- Fluttershy! - She yelled, losing control over her own breath again - Fluttershy!

A soft sobbing sound was coming from a garbage can in the plaza, and Twilight's expression changed dramatically. She looked inside, and there was Fluttershy. Safe and sound.

She paused and took a deep breath to regain her senses.

"You did great, Fluttershy," Twilight said as she pulled Fluttershy out.

The feeling of relief was cut short though, for Fluttershy had no response other than to burst into tears as their eyes met.

"What's going on?..."

Like stepping on a nail, the sharp pain on her hoof returns. The timer stopped at 00:39 and apparently Fluttershy has one too.

"Whohoo!! Score one for us! We're awesome,"

A male voice was coming from one of the rooftops. It was on the borderline of highpitched male voices.

"Guess this week's players already owe us, huh?" A second voice. Twilight signaled Fluttershy to be quiet and rushed her beneath a nearby balcony, where they both stood and listened:

"Good thing we managed to solve that riddle in time. I don't remember the first day being so hard last time," the first pony continued.

Too much information-- riddle? In time? Was that what the timer was for? What was it counting down to? First day? To what? Are there others? Last time? There was a last time for them? Is this their doing?

"Maybe there's someone the Reaper-ponies really dislike playing this round," inquired the second pony.

Reaper... ponies? Playing?
He had a strange accent... Manehatten?

"Hehehe, maybe," the first voice continued "let's rest and gather some strength for tomorrow. We still have six days left, we have to be in top shape."

"Yeah. Plus we never know when we're gonna pass out again." - The voices were getting harder to hear as they walked away from the girls.

"I hate when that happens, remember when--" the rest was inaudible. And they left before Twilight could see any of them.

By this point, Twilight's head was burning up with the amount of different things that what they said could imply. She was rushing from one theory from another so fast that she couldn't hold on to any for more than a second. "Royal kidnaping? Doesn't explain why Fluttershy was here, and why would they kidnap someone and leave them in a plaza? Is Canterlot under siege? No, that doesn't explain the hollow pony," Twilight got increasingly angry at her lack of explanation for what was going on "Nothing explains the hollow pony!"

She grabbed a hold of herself, and with all the commotion gone, she finally turned her attention to Fluttershy. Having no words able to comfort her, she rest Fluttershy's head on head shoulder and let her cry as much as she needed. Each time she seemed like she was about to stop, she would look at Twilight and tear up again. After awhile, the crying became softer, turning into a gentle stream of tears running down her face. She held Twilight tight and continued sobbing for what felt like hours.

The next day, Twilight woke up on the floor next to Fluttershy. The soil was dry and packed with tiny sharp rocks. She got up and examined her surroundings.They were nowhere near Canterlot.

"We passed out?" - Twilight said to herself - "Why? When? And where are we?"

Someone had clearly moved their bodies while they were out, which could indicate that the responsible as a strong build, or wields powerful magic.

Twilight looked up at the sun. "It must be close to noon," she thought. "Did we sleep through the whole day? Magic has to be behind this."

There was no timer on her hoof this time, on any of them, which she made sure to check.

Twilight let out a long tired exhale and sat down, lowering her guard. Not having to deal with the meaning of the clock, at least for now, gave her some time to think. Re re-aligned and analysed the conversation she overheard from the balcony and reached a horrid conclusion: Players, riddles, timers-- Someone or some-thing- is playing with us some sort of sickly game.

As she wondered what happened to those who lost she felt all the hairs on her spine standing up stiff. "The pony in the alley..."

"Oh Celestia... Why is all this happening?..."

Author's Note:

Thank you very much for reading my very first chapter of my very first fanfic! :D

Two things I'd like to say: please keep in mind that I'm not a native english speaker, so cut me some slack on the grammar corrections (they are very very welcome though); constructive criticism towards the actually storytelling and how I presented the scenes are what I'm primarily seeking, for they are what I learn more from for my native language writing. x)

I really hope you enjoyed reading my chapter, and I'm looking forward to adding more :D

Comments

[Bradel]

Not a bad start. Certainly more readable than some things I've seen on Fimfiction. I don't know that I particularly like the idea of a crossover with "The World Ends With You", but I love MLP and I love the game, so I figured I'd give it a look.

I read a little and skimmed the rest. This isn't my cup of tea, but I saw enough to spot two things I think would be good for you to work on, moving forward.

(1) Try to give things another editing pass or two before posting them. There are some small language errors, but not so bad they destroyed my ability to read. The bigger issue was that you flipped between 1st person perspective (I, me) and 3rd person perspective (Twilight, she) in the course of the story. This is jarring and really doesn't make sense to the reader. That's the sort of stuff you should definitely fix in an editing pass.

(2) Admittedly, I tend to be very picky about what stories I really read through, but I didn't feel like there was much going on here. This felt like you were inserting MLP characters in the TWEWY scenario without really letting ideas from the different sources cross-pollinate much. What's interesting about having Twilight and Fluttershy in the game, rather than the usual characters? I know that the game itself is enough of a long mystery that information comes out as a slow trickle, but here the primary reason I didn't find the story compelling was that I didn't feel like there was a whole lot of difference between reading this scenario with Twilight and playing it with Neku.

Oh, also, I really dislike the title, but I have issues with 'suicide' getting thrown around. That's really nothing on you.

Anyway, congrats on your first story and welcome to the fanfic-writing community!

[Reeve]

hmm, well I'm not going to give up on it just yet, it has some potential, but the title definitely makes little or no sense, also it seems 'jumpy', if that's the right way to describe it, regardless not bad for a first attempt so keep it up and we'll see where it goes

[Dream Daze]

2495915

The title may not make sense right now, but it will soon enough, trust me :)
I guess jumpy is a good word for it. I was shooting for "exciting fast-paced first chapter". Being able to reach "jumpy" status is good too xD
Thank you for read and the kind words :)

2495869

Thank you for the read as well x) and as for your advice:

1) I reviewed it, but not enough as I should. I was really eager to post it ^^U I'll make sure to read it attentively more than two times on the next chapters :)
The perspective shift was purely fruit of my own blockheadedness. The first draft of the story was 1st person, and I decided to change it while I was reviewing it. I was bound to miss some of it. xD

2) The first chapter was purposely jambled and confused. I'm hoping to make the next chapters explain more of what is going on and why.
About the difference between playing it with Twilight or Neku, I can assure you that, while the start may be similar, the plot development I have in mind is completely different from what you've seen in the game. :D

About the title, the only thing I can say without spoiling anything, is that it's pertinent to the storyline.

I will make an effort to correct myself and make the next chapter better. Thank you for the welcome as well! (~= w=)~

EDIT:
Re-read it all and corrected quite a lot of embarrassing mistakes ^^" Hopefully, I got most of them out by now.<3

[Flutterstrucked]

I'm intrigued, I'll fav it so I can get a good tab on the next chapters, I think I've read a similar story, though I haven't even seen the cover of the game.

[Csquared08]

Heya. Csquared08 here from WRITE with that review you requested. I also would like to apologize for the delay. I hope you can forgive me

So let's get this thing started!

Grammar and Stuff
Red text fixes the mistake indicated by the crossed out word(s)/punctuation or adds a necessary word(s).
Orange text indicates why the change was made.

"UGH (I'm not so sure this needs to be all caps since it's mentioned later that she's screaming.)!" - (Why is that hyphen there? It shouldn't be there. Never use hyphens to separate dialogue like that.) Twilight screamed as she twitched on the floor. She strokestroked (Keep your tenses consistent in your narration. You've used past tense previously, so I'm going to assume you want past tense all the way through.) her left front hoof, it. It (That right there was a comma splice. You had two full sentences split only by a comma, which is incorrect. There are multiple ways to fix this, but the easiest way is usually to change the comma to a period and capitalize the next word. Other solutions include adding in a coordinating conjunction [and, but, or, etc.] after the comma and replacing the comma with a semicolon.) felt like something sharp had gone through it.

"What in the-- (The double hyphen is certainly wrong. If you wanted to put something there, it'd be the em dash, — [Alt+0151]. However, you could simply leave it as "What in the?" and it'd be fine.)?" she said, getting up from the stone floor. "A... timer?"

On her hoof was a digital clock, gleaming bright red digits: 8:00that gleamed bright red digits which read 8:00. (That was awkward, not particularly clear wording. By all means, you can keep it as is. It will have largely the same effect. I just think the suggestion I put there is more effective.). She wobbled in place, nauseous, and leaned on a nearby wall.

She stretched her wings and looked around her. "I must be in Canterlot," - (Bad hyphen.) she thought - "how. "How (A couple things here. First, bad hyphen. Secondly, there are two sentences here that are disguised by the dialogue. They're still two sentences, and since it's dialogue, use a period to end the first sentence.) did I get here?"

She rubbed her forehead with her hoof trying to remember, finding only gaps in regard of late events.but despite all her efforts, she found nothing. (That was some rather awkward phrasing you had there. It was also rather clunky when you say it out loud. There are other ways to fix this, though. My suggestion is merely one of many.) Then she examined her head for any bumps or bleeding, "I could've crashed into something, maybe. Maybe (Another comma splice I've fixed with a period.) I felt ill during flight?

Twilight paced slowly about (I'd recommend having "slowly" and "about" switch places.), (Omit the unnecessary comma.) to regain her blood pressure. The pacing soon became rapid and irritated,. (Replace the comma with a period.) "Calm down, Twilight. Be rational, (Always use some sort of mark to end dialogue. In this case, use a comma.)" she said to herself. Six minutes left, "To what?"The clock now said there were six minutes left. To what? she wondered. (You had some very unclear phrasing there. To help fix it up, I made it clear where the six minutes came from, as well making it clear Twilight had no idea what it meant. I used italics for the thought. You're more than welcome to use quotation marks, though.)

As far as I can tell, that should cover all your consistent grammatical issues in the story. To sum things up:
- Use em dashes, not hyphens, to display interruption
- Comma splices are terrible. Avoid them at all costs. Use periods, coordinating conjunctions, or semicolons to fix them (preferably the first two).
- Don't use hyphens for whatever you were using them for with dialogue. Ever.
- Try to avoid clunky phrasing. Say things out loud. If it sounds off, you should probably fix it.
- Try to avoid unclear phrasing. If the sentence references something, and it's not at all clear what it's referencing when it should be clear, try to make it clearer.
- Make sure you keep your verb tenses consistent. For this story, that means past tense verbs in the narration.
- The passage I quoted didn't have this problem, but do make sure all your paragraphs are double-spaced.

Characterization

Normally, I'd take a look at each character in turn. However, your problems in characterization are in common to just about every character, so you get the whole thing at once.

The dialogue is very choppy, in part due to the unclear, clunky phrasing I mentioned earlier. As a result, the characters don't feel like characters. They feel almost like cardboard cutouts that do as the plot demands. Twilight, for example, seems in character, but her choppy dialogue in chapter two came off as incredibly flat. Your zebra OC, Kazir, also suffers from the same problem. He, too, feels incredibly flat. For what it's worth, though, Fluttershy seems pretty solid, but that might be because she hasn't had to talk yet.

My suggestion is to read things out loud. Does it sound like an actual conversation? If not, that means you have some work to do.

Plot

Things seemed rather rushed along. It felt like you wanted to hurry along and get to the part where Twilight learns the rules, but then you rushed us through that with a large infodump.

For starters, chapter one could use a few hundred more words. Describe things a little more. You might have a clear scene in mind, but we have no idea what that is. Show us this scene. Use Twilight to immerse your readers in the story.

My next big problem with your plot, as I mentioned before, was the massive infodump in chapter two. I understand there are only so many ways you can explain all that information to the reader, but you didn't even bother to use dialogue. The first suggestion that comes to mind is to have Kazir make his explanation a story. Have him paint a picture for Twilight, a picture painted with words and explanations. Be creative.

For the rest, though, I'll mention I know nothing of the crossover material, so I can't really comment on your accuracy there.

Summary

For the love of all that is good in the world, find yourself a couple good editors, preferably native English speakers. They can help you fix up all the grammatical errors and all the clunky or unclear phrasing. Once that's done, your characterization will have improved by default thanks to improved dialogue. And once the grammar is fixed, you can focus your efforts on making sure your characters are no longer flat, boring cardboard cutouts and also on making sure the plot is cohesive, immersive, and overall, interesting. You'd be surprised, though, at how much other areas improve from a simple grammar fix.

There's a pretty solid story in the works here. You can make it happen, but you'll need to do some work in order to do so.

Cheers!
~Csquared08, WRITE's Helicoprion Enthusiast
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