It never fails.

I feel so guilty about not working on my story.

Presently I am back to searching for work.

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Every time I get a chance to sit at my PC and I'm not actively combating depression-induced fugue, it seems I'm assailed by a thousand other things I need to do rather than actually write anything. This includes personal stories I'm writing for people as well as my current MLP story.

I've just spent six weeks fighting a Symfony thin client trying to get a development system running so I can actually bill some hours.

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It's been a long time since I sat down and wrote another somewhat-vacuous blog. I have been slowly recovering the past few weeks from a back injury that left me unable to walk, dress, shower, and so forth for a while. I did finally limp my way into a local Critical Care facility - wherein the physician chose to laugh at my description of the pain I was experiencing, make light of me being "old", and then sent me away with a handful of anti-inflammatories. Which of course have done nothing at

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I can honestly say that the best therapy I've had in years has been EMS studies.

I finally feel like I am actually enjoying the entire process of learning. It's also been wonderful to have that impetus to drive myself out of the house each day - to be around other humans, to interact with people again. More to the point, people that are not screaming at me as they would be here at home.

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I admit it's taken me a good deal longer to get it up and running than I had intended. But I finally have my new home PC build running! It's time to retire the previous PC (The Pinkie 5000) ... and to bring The Pinkie 6000 up to speed!

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I've decided to drop my story yet again back into "hiatus" because - let's face it - for me to actually progress on the next chapter, I need several things to all occur simultaneously.

1. I need to have the free time and access to my PC to work on it.
2. I need the will to actually do anything beyond lie on my bed and wish I had the courage to build my "exit hood."

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Generally whenever I get paid, I use my money to help the people I know who need financial assistance.

This time around I bought myself a little treat! I have wanted to buy a mock up of the famous SCE panel from the Apollo CSMs to mount next to my work desk and I've actually purchased one!

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I've found that since I've been taking phenibut with my quetiapine each night to fight my insomnia, that:

• My bruxism is not as bad;
• I don't seem to suffer quite as much from xerostomia quite as much;
• I actually get three hours or so of unbroken sleep at a time; and

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The blog title is simply a quote from the Ministry song I happen to be listening to whilst I am on my lunch break from work. The song is - of course - "Just One Fix." Lest it be said my music playlist is not confusing, the next song on the list is Don Henley with "All She Wants To Do Is Dance." Listen to these gears crunch!

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I am going to get off my arse and continue working on my story, come what may!

My other major accomplishments have really been getting my Will and assorted documents in order, and enjoy my new job. Getting away from being a support agent at Netflix and getting back into Software Engineering has meant numerous improvements:

• I can use a restroom during the day without getting into trouble.
• My rate of pay has risen 400%.

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I have been so desperate now to get back to writing for such a long time but I just cannot seem to get myself to sit at my PC, in peace and quiet, with free time all to myself, and actually type anything. I keep mulling over the aspects of the story that I do have a lot of notes for. The next chapter is of course all planned out - I just need to sit my arse into my office chair, and actually construct something with those ideas, beyond just complaining about not being able to do so.

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I'm still recalling the first days I actually joined this site. I think I had tried one or two usernames and decided instead on one that had originally come from an old shareware CD from back in 1995.

The CD had one game on it that we were all very curious about. I cannot remember the name of the game - only the description.

"It is a silly little game."

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I am going to have to bite the bullet and actually park my arse down tomorrow and do some writing.

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I have an appointment with a neurologist tomorrow. I have everything crossed that they can help me with my thus far treatment resistant depression, or perhaps find a closer diagnosis.

To this end, I want to start writing again. I think I will need to wait until the kids are back in school for me to have the time to.

But we shall see.
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Thanks to friends (Hudson I am looking at you!) and with therapy and such ongoing, I am slowly working up my appetite to write once more.

My depression remains unpredictable. I am hoping that if I can bring myself back into the process of writing, that it will aid me in distracting myself from my negativity and anxiety, and help to give me some purpose. This is also why I wash to start working on my model making again.

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I recently had a very severe nervous breakdown, and whilst I recover from that and my personal issues, I’ll leave my story on hiatus.

Hopefully good to go in a month or two.

I did start an online Discord server to work as my journal whilst healing. If you’re curious, it can be found here:

My Discord journal.

All of these things, and in no particular order.

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I've hit another point where my mind has cracked a little.

It's never nice when it happens. As always, there was no one particular trigger. I didn't "snap" and start smashing things, I just hit another of those insidious, exhausting holes that my depression hands me. I can at least feel them coming, and understand that it's chemical and neurophysiological and that all I need to do is ride it out.

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... please tell me why.