W-Where... Where am I? And why does everything hurt? You think, as you unsteadily make your way to your feet, your body aching in protest. Wait. Something doesn't feel right. You look down at the water to your left, hoping to see your reflection.

It is dark, and you can't see anything.

There might be a grue.

You quickly pull your iPony from somewhere and look up "grue" on Whickerpedia. The tiny bright screen casts a glow on the cavern walls.

The grue is a sinister, lurking presence in the dark places of the earth. Its favorite diet is adventurers, but its insatiable appetite is tempered by its fear of light. No grue has ever been seen by the light of day, and few have survived its fearsome jaws to tell the tale.

Well, that doesn't sound fun, or nice, which you're pretty sure is why you came to these caves in the first place, but your head hurts too much to remember. Although there was a lot of pink involved. You try to walk a few steps but a sharp pain shoots through your hind leg and you whine in an un-stallionly fashion. Suddenly you can't remember... are you even a stallion?

i glance down between my legs.
"i guess that means no... i hope."
i take a moment to glance around the cave, producing a faint glow with my horn. a voice suddenly sounds out of nowhere.
"you are in the caves beneath canterlot!"
that voice is really familiar. after a moment of thinking about the voice cadences face suddenly appears on the wall crystal surface.
"once home to greedy unicorns who wanted to claim the gems that could be..."
"whoa whoa, stop right there! didnt this already happen?"
"i assure you i dont know what you mean." cadence replied unamused.
"hey yeah, it did. in the season two finale! my memories are coming back now!"
"whatever are you talking about?" she seemed incredibly confused now.
"yeah, youre actually a changeling in disguise. and... and the real cadence is right behind that wall over there."

You quickly rush over to the wall and buck it down, fully prepared to see the rightful princess on the other side. However..

The crystal wall gives way beneath your hooves with a boom that resounds through the empty caverns on the other side.

"There's nothing here!"

Confused, you turn back to 'Cadence', who tilts her head to one side, then to the other side, and says the most peculiar thing: "ERROR! ERROR! ERRORERRORERRORERROR"

You step back in horror as the Cadence-thing begins to reel around, spewing smoke and sparks and repeating that one word over and over. When she catches ablaze, you abandon all pretense of courage and run for it, barely keeping enough sense to maintain your horn's light.

You don't stop running until the sound of your panting outmatches the sound of that...that thing, not until you can no longer even hear the echoes of its voice anymore.

Great. Now you're more lost than ever!

"Huff...huff..."
You finally calm down and stop running. You quickly observe your surroundings. More caverns...just what I needed. You begin a slow trot in the darkness and contemplate on your situation.
"Okay, so let's see where I stand. I'm trapped in a cavern, very tired, severely lost, Cadence is a robot...and now I'm talking to myself like a crazy pony. Can this day get any better?"
Suddenly, you hear a soft sound behind you. Sounds like...snickering?
"Of course it can..."

A horribly drunk Princess Celestia trots up behind you and grins, offering a share of her red wine.

"Want some?" she asks, giving a goofy grin rather unbefitting the God-Princess of Equestria. From the smell of her breath, that may well be her fiftieth bottle.

"Don't do it" whispers a voice.
You look around, but see nothing other than the drunken Celestia trying to hump a rock.
"Don't bother, I am the instruction manual"
"...What?"
"Nothing...just, look on your iPony, and check the Kindle app, ok?"
Walking away from the gruesome sight there, you pull your iPony back out and hit the Kindle App.
A book you were presumably reading flashes up on screen.

"W-Where... Where am I? And why does everything hurt? You think, as you unsteadily make your way to your feet, your body aching in protest. Wait. Something doesn't feel right. You look down at the water to your left, hoping to see your reflection.
It is dark, and you can't see anything.
There might be a grue. You quickly pull your iPony from somewhere and look up "grue" on Whickerpedia. The tiny bright screen casts a glow on the cavern walls.
The grue is a sinister, lurking presence in the dark places of the earth. Its favorite diet is adventurers, but its insatiable appetite is tempered by its fear of light. No grue has ever been seen by the light of day, and few have survived its fearsome jaws to tell the tale.
Well, that doesn't sound fun, or nice, which you're pretty sure is why you came to these caves in the first place, but your head hurts too much to remember. Although there was a lot of pink involved. You try to walk a few steps but a sharp pain shoots through your hind leg and you whine in an un-stallionly fashion. Suddenly you can't remember... are you even a stallion?..."

"What the buck?" You shout out.

As the drunken princess opts to gnaw on your tail, you continue to read as your odd 'adventure' passes along the screen, all the way up until you begin reading with the princess gnawing on your tail, before the story abruptly comes to an end....

"What the buck?" you shout, only to shriek in shock when your words and the not-so-vivid description of your scream appears on your Kindle...

"OK, what the hell is this?"

out of no where a human drops from the ceiling, flailing his arms and legs wildly.
"im ashton kutcher! and youve just been punk'd!"
"oh celestia! its a human!" i scream at the top of my lungs, turning and sprinting away as fast as i can.
celestia reacts by firing some magic at him and knocking him out, there might have been some blood, i cant rember. she follows behind in a drunken waddle. looking back to see her, i crash into a wall. i notice that the human hadnt been following us so i stop and catch my breath and wait for celestia.

But Celestia has disappeared! You quickly open the Kindle App again and read to the end.

"...breath and wait for Celestia. But Celestia has disappeared! As you stare at your iPony, there's a flash of pink and the three pinkest ponies in the land are now standing in front of you."

...What? You don't remember that happening --

Non-robot Cadance, Pinkie Pie, and what you can only assume is some demonic pink version of Princess Celestia, are now standing in front of you.

"RUN!" the instruction manual shouts, but it's too late. Cadance lowers her horn and...

Begins to play an upbeat tune from her French horn. You stare at the sight with a combination of confusion and amusement. The tune is rather relaxing. To Cadance's left is Pinkie playing on a set of drums gently tapping the symbols. On Cadance's right is the pink Celestia playing on a keyboard. A quick glance at the Kindle App shows both the description of the scene and your own reaction. For a few brief seconds you ponder how exactly the App is able to transcribe events in real time but quickly shove that thought aside thanks to the soothing tune.

Behind you you can hear stumbling footsteps and an occasional hiccup. With the calming background music playing, you decide to follow the sound of the footsteps. Until...

(best enjoyed with this playing while reading)

Your iPony dings softly and you look down. There's a new text.

heyyy lover boi u want to hav some fun?? Celly

You look behind you and see that drunk Celestia is lying on her back giggling hysterically at the stalactites, no phone in sight, and pink Celestia is too busy playing keyboard. How many Celestias are there, anyway?? You try to take a step towards drunk Celestia to ask her what's going on, when your hooves slip right out from under you and you fall on your rump.

With horror you look towards the band and realize... the music's too smooth! You're sliding all over the place! You better get them to stop somehow, and fast, before all chance of escape is lost!

Lucky for you, you have the Portal App.
You yell into your kindle "Deploy Smooth Jazz!"
Deploying Smooth jazz in 3...2...1...
AS Smooth Jazz begins to play, you can hear to voices in unison coming closely towards you.
"IT'S SO SMOOTH, YOU CAN'T TAKE IT!"
It's...! Luna and Celestia?
For goodness sakes, how many Celestia's are their? Luckily, they use their alicorn magic to turn off the apposing music, while you shut off your own.

As the Hot Pink Jazz Trio pack up their instruments, you look around searching for the source of both Luna and Celestia's voice. Unfortunately nopony is there. You come to the conclusion that your iPony is what projected their voices. Hooray for Occam's Razor!

Confused as to what you were doing before the inexplicable jazz music, you open up the Kindle App on your iPony to see your previous actions. As you finish the last sentence, a strange feeling of paranoia washes over you. It's almost as if all of your actions are being dictated by multiple individuals, each with their own writing style. The notion is quickly cut down as you begin wondering if you're suffering Cabin Fever, even though you're in a cave.

You approach the drunken Celestia who is on her back, sucking on the wine bottle like a baby would nurse their bottle. When you reach her, you pull up the strange text supposedly from her and ask what it is about.

She responds with...

A scream. She jumps to her feet as quick as drunkenly possible and stumbles away, only to smack into a wall. She drops her bottle and just lays there, red wine spilling everywhere.

Confused by this turn of events, you turn around only to see another Celestia! How many are there in this place!? You try to get some answers from this new Celestia, but she just gives you the most disturbing grin you've ever seen.

"Hi There... Looking for a good time?" She says with a hungry look in her eyes, like an Manticore sizing up its next meal.

You decide to do the only sane thing and run.

As you run, you yell out, "Instruction Manual! I could use a little help here!"

"Oh, now you want to follow my advice," it snarks. You choose to ignore it, plus you're running out of breath and you don't think you'll be able to keep up this pace much longer. The Princess is getting closer and giggling.

"Turn left and duck into that crack."

The manual's right! There's a small opening in the cave wall that's just big enough for you to squeeze into, but not the decidedly larger princess. She skids to a halt outside and begins trying to seduce you out.

You pull out your iPony and open the app with the Princess's image. Maybe it'll be able to tell you what the hay is going on. You see five icons come up with the following labels:

Celestia
Molestia
Trollestia
Pinklestia
Drunklestia

You figure the one making kissy noises and calling you "lover boy" must be this Molestia. You tap the name to see if it tells you her weaknesses.

A head shot of Molestia appears on the screen. In the picture her eyes are half closed and there's a grin that sends chills down your spine. There is a brief description of who she is and how she came to be. None of that information is useful to you, so you skim most of it. One set of statements stands out to you though. It reads:

There are almost no lengths that Molestia will not go to to get her prey. As soon as you are in her sights, there is no way to escape.

To punctuate that point, you hear her giggling getting closer.

"Come out, come out, where ever you are!" she says with childish glee. Her child like behaviour only adds to your fear. You quickly scroll through the description hoping to find something to protect yourself. Luckily you find something that reads:

There are two known things that she will not "love": the dead and children.

Killing yourself doesn't seem like an option, seeing as you enjoy life. And you're an adult (biologically and legally speaking anyways). However, you've been cursed (or in this case blessed) to look much younger then you actually are. With fools hope and a need to stretch your legs, you poke your head out from your hiding spot. Only to find her staring directly at you with the same eerie grin on her face.

Your pupils shrink to the size of pins and you shout with all the energy you have left: "I'M TWELVE!" She cocks her head to the left with an unreadable expression on her face. After what feels like an eternity she says...

"Um, so?" Her expression is now readable. It's hunger.

She lunges towards you and you pray it will be swift and painless, but before she can touch you a mighty shout reverberates through the caverns, knocking her to the side.

"STOP!"

There's only one mare around who can shout like that -- it's Princess Luna! Molestia flees post haste, although you have a feeling you haven't seen the last of her. Luna canters toward you, her face urgent.

"Thank the stars we have found thee at last! Hurry, thou must find our royal sister and destroy the imposters before all of Equestria is in ruins! Take this, and if thou requirest our presence, we shall be with thee."

She gives you something soft and fluffy, then puts a hoof on your shoulder. "We place our hope in thee alone. Go forth and save Equestria."

You finally regain your voice just as she flies out of sight.

"Wait, WHAT?"

your eyes dart around the cave abit before you trust that you're alone. looking down you see that she had given you a fluffy marshmallow. a tear suddenly falls down your cheek as you flashback to that fateful day. rainbow dashes cruel transformation at the hooves of the imposters. you pet the marshmallow endearingly and whisper to it.
"don't worry rainbow. i wont let this happen to anyone else."
my voice becomes a shout. " DO YOU HEAR ME CELESTIA IMPOSTERS. YOUR TYRANNY WILL BE SHORT LIVED! AS LONG AS I BREATH, YOU WONT TURN EVEN A SINGLE OTHER PONY."

You then assume a heroic pose, and begin to look awesome. You then realize you are still stuck in a cave.

"Okay, now what?" you ask. Your words echo against the walls of the empty cavern.

"Don't worry, I'm here to help you out!"

"Instruction Manual??" you gasp, looking around wildly for some unknown reason.

"Nooo," the strangely familiar exasperated voice says. "The Instruction Manual is in italics. You should know that by now. It's Rainbow Dash, the awesomest pegasus in Equestria."

The marshmallow sprouts wings and begins to zip around your head. "I know exactly where the other imposter Celestias are. Once you defeat them (with my help, of course), we can ask Cadance where the real Celestia is."

"But Cadance is in..."

"No time for that now, let's go get Drunklestia!" Marshmallow Dash yells and speeds off, a trail of powdered sugar following behind her. You shrug and follow her back the way you came.

You catch up to Marshmallow Dash and your pace slows to a gentle trot. There's a fiery determination coming from Dash, which you're amazed at seeing as she has no facial features. After a few moments, you decide to ask the one question that's been bouncing around your skull ever since you woke up.

"What exactly is going on?"

"There's no time to explain!" Dash exclaims. "We need to stop all of those imposters before Equestria is destroyed!"

"No," you say while stopping your pace. "If the fate of an entire country is going to be put onto my shoulders, I need to know what's going on. So start explaining."

"What are you doing? We can't just..."

"Do you not know the definition of the word 'explain'? Do I need to get a dictionary for you?!" you scream while reaching into hammerspace. After a few seconds your hooves pull out a white filly with a purple and pink mane. You stare at the filly with absolute confusion as she does the same.

"Where am I?" she asks while looking around. "And why is there a flying marshmallow?" After her initial curiosity fades away, it is replaced by panic.

"Are you kidnapping me?! Dear Celestia, please don't AHHH!" she yells as you toss her back into hammerspace. Between yourself and Marshmallow Dash there's enough awkward silence to fill twelve lifetimes. Off in the distance you can hear a gentle snoring.

"Right," Marshmallow Dash says breaking the silence. "I'll explain everything as soon as we deal with Drunklestia. Deal?"

"Deal," you say thankful that the awkward feeling is gone.

"Great, let's kill that drunk."

"WHAT?!" The word echoes across the cave, stopping the snoring and replacing it with a panicked snort.

"Who's there?" someone slurs. Marshmallow Dash slowly claps her none existent hooves together in a mocking manner and gives you an unimpressed look.

"Good job. Now this is going to be much easier."