720457
First, second, third.

What policy?

This one.

— Incest, foalshipping beyond a schoolyard crush, and other broad cultural taboos

(like zoophilia)

I never even made it to the Pre-readers

....

Thank you for your submission. However, due to issues with comma use, hyphen/dash confusion, and capitalization, it cannot be forwarded to the pre-readers. This does not count as a strike.

All the best,
The EqD Team

....

I specifically said in the submission notes that that was part of the writer's (Tornado's) writing abd scripting style, but I guess I need to fix it anyway. *Sigh* I need to find another proofreader.

720449 I'm not sure what the issue is there. That looks pretty clear and straightforward to me:

1. The description is boring.
2. The dialogue is flat and mostly unrealistic as a result of being so emotionless

The review doesn't appear to be asking for any specific kind of emotion. Rather, it looks as if all they want is for you to make whatever emotion you decide is most appropriate for your story to feel real. If that's anger, then that's your call. If that's sorrow, then that's your call. If it's a mixture, then that's your call. Just make it believable and not as lifeless as Fluttershy. There is a difference between sombre and lifeless, a point that you appear to be missing.

793879 WRT the dialogue, I think you're partly right. The first version had Twilight being very emotional. A bunch of readers complained that it was out of character for Twilight to be so emotional. I thought they were on crack, but I changed it to have RBD be emotional and Twilight be logical.

WRT description, I disagree. For this story, it should not be exciting. This is internal psychological horror, not a gothic. The descriptions should be understated. I don't want to distract the reader with scenery.

You are aptly-named.

720493 It ain't incest if you're the only two members of your species!

Title: It ain't easy being British.

Story is "Everyone's a Changeling" which can be read over here and is most certainly not this story which can be read over here.

We are different people. I have a mustache. Jeez.

Own thoughts:

I feel kinda sorry for Bob here. Knowing my own preferences for obscure word forms, there probably are more than a few things he could've pulled out that my only response to would've been muttering "Mah artistic integrity" behind the hem of my skirt. I've found myself considering using "grun" on more than one occasion. This is how bad the rot has gotten. It's just bad luck for him that he happened to have selected ones I could hide behind the isles of fish & chips for.

I've also yet to receive any tellings off from the Pre-readers in terms of overt adverbial abuse. This worries me because I personally perceive my relationship with adverbs as being one of tall stairs and early-morning makeup sessions, and other people have been telling me that EqD is known for its decency at cottoning on to this kinda shiet.

I have come to the conclusion, then, that my stories need more adverbs added to them. Or perhaps I'm just not using enough with a -ly ending. Hmm...

Dear Aquillo(with a mustache),

I am currently unable to recommend your work for publication on Equestria Daily. Please see below for details. Note that the character > denotes a quote from your work.

>took a step forwards
took a step forward

>stepped forwards
stepped forward

>pacing towards
pacing is more a back-and-forth motion, not a single direction

>But that was a thought for later, and she wanted to savour the right now.
Sounds like you're missing a word.

>"places it doesn't belong"
When using quotes inside of dialogue, use single quotes instead.

>quick kick to a sensitive spot
Where would that be?

>soon set Twilight off again
Set her to do what? :o

>Well." She stood back up.
A ellipsis would work well there instead of a period.

>hoofs
hooves

>leant forwards
forward

>She picked herself up, brushed herself off and slipped past Chrysalis to the alley's entrance.
Redundant to say "herself" twice right next to each other like that.

> Insert Scene Transitions here.
This is the kind of thing that happens in movies, but doesn't work the same in writing. Just stick with one horizontal line and add in the line that explains how much time has passed instead of that giant bolded text.

>Two years later
But in the text later on, it says two months. Which is it? Two months or two years? Actually, upon reading more, I think it might be two separate instances. It's a bit confusing to use two for both, so you might want to change the two month thing to a different number.

>Chrysalis was bored. Insert next ten lines emphasizing boredom.
It got extremely redundant and tiresome. We get it. She's bored.

Overall, I did find the part with Twilight Sparkle funny and was surprised that when you said "everyone's a changeling" you really meant it. Everything. But after Chrysalis left her "palace" and traveled to the mountain, I was like "What?" Which is funny cause that's what she said when Twilight had turned out to be *spoilers*.

Be aware that the things I pointed out above are not the only mistakes noticed. You tend to make tiny mistakes here and there. I recommend getting a reviewer to look at this story and help you with it.

The way you write seems a bit awkward sometimes though. It's as if you're trying to write between two different PoV's. One being Chysalis and the other being the author which is very jarring for the story. You tell us the way certain characters feel and other things that are outright and that's known as telling.

I also looked at a lot of the wording like "leant" and "whilst" and a few other wording things. After looking closer, I'd have to conclude that you're using British spelling. Nothing wrong with it, just wanted to point it out. Wasn't sure if intentional or not.

Anyhoo, I recommend getting your story reviewed by someone before you resubmit. I recommend the /fic/ boards of Ponychan (http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/) or MLPchan (http://mlpchan.net/fic/)

This is your first strike of three. Revise wisely! Thanks again for submitting to Equestria Daily. Please don't let this discourage you from resubmitting. We look forward to hearing from you again.

Best Regards,
Pre-reader Bob.

Response:

Dear Pre-reader Bob,

Thanks for the response and pre-read. I appreciate the time and effort that's gone into it. There are some things I would like to clarify/a few points I would like to contest first of all, however:

You mention the British spellings. I would like to confirm they are intentional given my own surly Britishness. I'm particularly amused by the singling out of "Whilst" given that one of my American friends has badgered me about it repeatedly. Some things I seem unable to escape from.

With that in mind,

>took a step forwards
took a step forward

>stepped forwards
stepped forward

>leant forwards
forward

Forwards is the preferred variant as an adverb within British English. Proof I am not raving mad:

http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/british/forwards
http://public.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/forward.html
http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/backward-versus-backwards.aspx

I can change it to forward alone if this is required, but I would like to know if I should do this for any other Britishisms within the text, and indeed, which Britishisms to do so with.

>pacing towards
pacing is more a back-and-forth motion, not a single direction

To be blunt, I disagree that the verb is singularly defined, and a fair number of dictionaries are on my side here. There's also the fact that pace, as a verb, refers to a certain gait of a horse in much the same way as canter, trot or gallop. If I'm to be denied access to one of its meanings, can I at least squeak by through a fairly relevant third?

>"places it doesn't belong"
When using quotes inside of dialogue, use single quotes instead.

Good point: completely derped on that one.

>But that was a thought for later, and she wanted to savour the right now.
Sounds like you're missing a word.

I find myself unable to find the word even in its absence; indeed, I find myself unable to even note its absence. May I ask for clarity here, please?

>quick kick to a sensitive spot
Where would that be?

Her dick. This is futa!Twilight, with the eyepatch, scraggly mane and far-too-tight black bodysuit.

Did I not make that clear?

>soon set Twilight off again
Set her to do what? :o

Her? I was referring to the period of time, hence the capitalisation.

Whoops.

>Well." She stood back up.
A ellipsis would work well there instead of a period.

Perhaps, but I was aiming more for a curt ending than a drawn-out/wheedling one.

>hoofs
hooves

Either spelling is acceptable, and I've been assured that this isn't just due to the single-island language inbreeding we popularise over here.

>She picked herself up, brushed herself off and slipped past Chrysalis to the alley's entrance.
Redundant to say "herself" twice right next to each other like that.

Agree and disagree here: the repetition's necessary for the verbs to function, so I wouldn't say it's redundant, but it is somewhat inelegant. I'll revise. Thank you.

> Insert Scene Transitions here.
This is the kind of thing that happens in movies, but doesn't work the same in writing. Just stick with one horizontal line and add in the line that explains how much time has passed instead of that giant bolded text.

Got it. Will remove.

>Two years later
But in the text later on, it says two months. Which is it? Two months or two years? Actually, upon reading more, I think it might be two separate instances. It's a bit confusing to use two for both, so you might want to change the two month thing to a different number.

It does refer to two separate time periods; your point remains apt, however. I'll revise. Thanks.

>Chrysalis was bored. Insert next ten lines emphasizing boredom.
It got extremely redundant and tiresome. We get it. She's bored.

Got it. Trimming.

But after Chrysalis left her "palace" and traveled to the mountain, I was like "What?"

The comedy tag is probably a lie for this story, yes. I remain unsure what to tag it as, however, and I attempted to maintain at least some form of humour throughout.

The way you write seems a bit awkward sometimes though. It's as if you're trying to write between two different PoV's. One being Chysalis and the other being the author which is very jarring for the story. You tell us the way certain characters feel and other things that are outright and that's known as telling.

I try and maintain a balance between objective and subjective writing throughout, with the subjective localised round the focal character. Or yes, in other words: two differing POVs. You're the second person who's called me out on the jarring aspect of it, however, so I guess I'll abandon any delusions of subtlety here. Thank you for the head bopping.

I was also wondering if it would be okay with you to place this rejection and response here -- http://www.fimfiction.net/group/706/eqd-rejects/thread/2962/rejection-letters -- which is a thread on a Fimfic group with the following quoted aim: "This is a place to post EqD rejection letters. We can learn something from each others' rejections! And we can also help dispel the fear, uncertainty, and doubt about the process."

And a general thank you, despite the proximity of the previous, because we're at the end and there has to be something to modify the yours,

Aquillo with a Mustache (& pls don't place parentheses round my name, thks xxx.)

Response to response:

You'll have to forgive him. Just as our forefathers beat the British from our great nation 250 years ago, so too have we done the same to the British within our heads.

---

Dear Aquillo with a Mustache,

Thank you for your response. Let's tackle the issues one by one.

Apologies about the British spellings and "stepped forwards." I didn't realize adverbs were different for British English. You can leave them as is.

>Pacing

Fair enough. Leave as is.

>But that was a thought for later, and she wanted to savour the right now.
Sounds like you're missing a word.

I find myself unable to find the word even in its absence; indeed, I find myself unable to even note its absence. May I ask for clarity here, please?

Upon a second reading, I realize that you wanted to place emphasis on "right now" and there was no missing word. That was my mistake. In that case, perhaps try putting quotation marks around "right now?" Up to you.

>Well." She stood back up.
A ellipsis would work well there instead of a period.

Perhaps, but I was aiming more for a curt ending than a drawn-out/wheedling one.

Alright. As long as you know what you're doing.

>hoofs
>hooves

It is? Is that another British thing? Geez, I shouldn't claim things I'm unfamiliar with.

>Other points that you said you revised
You already mentioned that you'd revise them, so all is good.

>About placing the response on Fimfiction.
Sure, go ahead. You didn't have to ask, but I'm glad you did.

And... I guess that's it. Major oops on my part concerning the British English. Thanks again for sending a response. Looking forward to hearing from you again.

From Mister Bob, the pre-reader.

First off, we'd like to apologize for how long it has taken to get back to you about this work, Everdale. Our pre-readers are facing an immense queue at the moment, and we are sorry to say that this piece got lost in the shuffle. We hope that you can forgive us for that.

Secondly, we are sorry to state that the work will not be considered for posting on the blog. While it is clear that you did your utmost to meet our concerns, simply too many remain. Going beyond our grammatical concerns, there were issues with the narrative that and structure that we were not even able to begin addressing [sic]. Their [sic] were issues with wording, pacing, and mood that still require attention. The original characters showed hints of great potential, but by the end of the story even characters such as Preston still felt like strangers.

This is not a bad story. For a freshman effort you should feel proud of what you have accomplished. Our suggestion is that, if you begin another work, that you enlist the assistance of an editor or a pre-reader from the beginning. Our minds and eyes are trained not to see our own faults, but others can help us understand issues like those we have pointed out.

We hope you will believe us when we say that we look forward to the day when you present us with a work that we can highlight for you before the fandom. Best of luck with your future writing.

Well, aside from the hilarious typos and grammatical errors in this rejection letter, this is the most vague critique I've ever seen. The only thing that keeps it from being applied to any other fic out there is the inclusion of one of the characters' names. Okay, how severe are the issues? Where are they the worst? The letter simply pointed out every possible aspect of a story and said that it had issues, being as vague as possible.

Okay, were there still grammatical concerns? That's never addressed. In my earlier rejection letters, I only received notice on grammar, nothing about narrative, structure, mood, and pacing.

For me, one of the most annoying things is that there's no pre-reader signature, so I don't know who to ask these questions to if I respond. And anyway, they're too busy, since they took a month and a half to get to me.

I'm probably coming off as upset, and I'll admit that I am slightly so, but I'm more disappointed. I figured that EQD was much more professional than this. This is like getting an F on a research paper with nothing marked off.

Regardless, is this how things tend to be for everyone? The more I look around, the more I see people complaining about it.

1132663
You may want to reply to the email if you have questions. Even if the PR didn't sign the letter with a name, they'll be sure to see any reply you send.

Edit: I took a really brief look at your story, but I'd imagine show vs. tell issues to be part of it. I grabbed a random scene from the middle of your story, and:

“Actually, there is,” Page answered. Despite her contained animosity for Twilight, she was starting to empathize with her on some level. “I didn’t think it was related until now, but there’s no doubt about it.”

“I-is anypony going to fill me in on what’s going on?” Mezza stammered. “I just came here to visit the place where—”

“Actually,” Page interrupted, a red flag going up in her head. “What are you doing here? You couldn’t have picked a worse time to show up.”

In this passage:
- rather than "said", there is "answered", "stammered", and "interrupted"--that is, said-bookisms that draw attention away from what is said and more to how it's said. This weakens the dialogue.
- there are outright statements of characters' thoughts and emotions. You can't just announce how your characters feel! That makes me feel angry! Doing so makes their emotions much less unrelatable. Likewise with characters' thoughts. Instead of letting the readers infer emotion and thought through character actions and expressions, you're putting a layer of abstraction between the characters and the reader. This doesn't set a mood.

This is just from a brief look at the text, but show vs. tell issues tend to be on the surface--or at least, that's what I think.

1133042

Okay, that makes sense. I would have understood if the pre-reader had said I was very tell-y with my descriptions, but everything was so vague I had to wonder if it had been from a fill-in-the-blank form.

Either way, thanks for taking the time to point that out. I try to avoid the word 'said' all of the time, since it's such a bland verb, but I can see how more descriptive words can draw attention to themselves.

I'll send an email, but considering how busy they are, I don't really expect a reply, but we'll see. That makes me upset! Er... you didn't hear that. Or read it.

1132663
>Everdale's word count is 127,030.
>but by the end of the story...
So the PR read over 100k words!

Most of the problems mentioned—other than grammar and wording, possibly mood as well, but it depends—are the kind that would require extensive rewrites to fic. That's probably why the PR said "if you begin another work."

I treasure well written OC stories greatly, so I would be willing to help if you wanted to start a new story or a rewrite of the current one. Or you could ask Filler, who's probably more skilled of a reviewer than I am. But he's also a lot more busy than me, so I don't know if he'll say yes.

Here are a few tips to get you started. If you read/watch any good story, you'll notice that they to much of the same things.

>structure
By this, he means that the story has to have a certain flow to it. Like the "three act structure" where it starts with a normal day in the main character's life. This is where you show his day to day problems and his fatal flaw. Then something goes wrong, usually due, at least in part, to the main character's fatal flaw, and his life gets even worse. And then, when he's at his lowest, he starts to change as a character, concurring his fatal flaw and solving whatever problem he had. And it would end with showing how he's changed since the story started. Granted that's the tl;dr version, but you get the picture.

>pacing

Edit: Oh! I forgot characterization. One sec...

For characterization, it's about how well we know the characters. For example, Twilight Sparkle is in every episode of season one and has sown an number of different emotions and interests, so, to the viewer, she feels like a close friend. But then there's Spitfire, who's had one or two appearances in season one and has shown very few emotions and interests, so it feels like someone who we don't know that well.

But if the PR says that about your main characters then you have a problem. There's sort of a checklist that I go through. Your main characters should each have: two desires that are tangential to each other, two different personality traits that contradict each other, and express multiple different emotions within the coarse of the story. That last one is easily accomplished by having your character interact with your other characters, major and minor. Like how Fluttershy in Putting Your Hoof Down acts around Pinkie and Rarity and how she talks to the vegetable sales-pony.

1133346

I was impressed too! Honestly, I was kind of flattered.

As for the standard three act structure, I've known about that for a while. I've also watched plenty of extra credits, like the one above, hehe. I've also taken a few creative writing classes in undergrad, so I'm plenty familiar with it.

I wanted to move away from it a little bit. To summarize, Twilight arrives to investigate a mystery, becomes overzealous in her accusations, and ends up accidentally cornering her friend with her deductions. She overcomes it, solves the mystery, and learns to trust her friends.

That was the basis, but I wanted to deviate a little bit. I kept that first structure, but I wanted to surprise the reader, so it actually turned out that Twilight was wrong. She begins to doubt her friends again, discovers more evidence and possibilities, and realizes that the mystery was actually on a much grander scale than she thought. I won't spoil any more, but I felt like it was like a 3 act structure with a little coda. Is it frowned upon to deviate from the basic 3 acts at all?

As for pacing, yeah, it starts slow and steadily rises. Honestly, for a mystery, I couldn't find any possible way to speed things up without removing vital clues. That caused me so much grief, haha.

Anyway, thanks! I dunno if I'll work on another, since I was using this as practice for another project, but we'll see.

P.S. This isn't actually an OC-centric fic, but the suspects at the beginning are all OC's outside of Twilight's friends.

1133450
>Is it frowned upon to deviate from the basic 3 acts at all?
Well, there are variations on it, but at the moment I can't recall any stories that didn't follow it.

Edit: And the moment I posted this, I remember a whole bunch, and all of them terrible. If you've read Bleach, the first three story arcs are like the three acts... and then it kept on going...

1133521

Oh man, I remember Bleach.... My friend got me started. Liked the start, and found everything after it to be a hilarious train wreck. I'm hoping my story isn't as bad as Bleach. I might just quit!

Either way, I'll make sure to send you a PM if I start another practice project!

1133564
I'll be looking forward to it.

Well, I just got a sort of rejection letter. I was expecting it, and looking forward to seeing what improvements I can make on my story All Hail The Dark Lord. Instead, I got this.

Thank you for your submission. However, due to issues with a wholly "summary" opening, it cannot be forwarded to the pre-readers. This does not count as a strike.

All the best,
The EqD Team

I honestly have no idea what to do. Do I shorten out and summarize the description more? Do I cut some of the second chapter since it was more of a prologue and help to people who don't understand the Star Wars universe to get a feel of the story? I just wish the pre-reader could have been more specific with me, because I don't really know how I can fix my story. I'm not even sure what wholly "summary" opening means.

1146576
On skimming through a first few lines of the opening, I can tell that you're trying to make it like an homage to the way the Star Wars movies open... except that this is prose fiction instead of film. See, the scrolling exposition in Star Wars worked because of the way we watch movies. No one who's paid however much theater tickets cost in the late 70's is going to walk out because the opening hook doesn't happen until two minutes in.

I would suggest cutting the first two "chapters" and spreading all their relevant information throughout the rest of the story.

Also, watch this:

1147776
I was thinking too about cutting the second chapter and incorporating more of it into the third. Along with some more action with the spaceship battle, since I felt that was rather lacking. As for the first one, that's also been used in every piece of Star Wars novels and comics, so I think I'll just keep it for now. If I get another reply from the pre-reader about I may just cut it. Also, will probably shorten the description, since I find it too telly.

Thanks for your help, and for that video. Readers are actually saying the pacing is too slow, though that's usually how my style works. 20k in and still in Ponyville. Though I am planning for major shifts in the story soon. Just wanted to get the characters situated better. Thanks once again!