So, objectively speaking, I think a lot of people share the opinion that the season three premiere was the weakest opener for any season in the series thus far.

They're being far too nice. 'The Crystal Empire, Parts I & II' were, and still are, fucking atrocious.

It's so bad that my youngest brother and I were eventually spurred to start working on a video review to rip it to shreds like no one before or since seems to have the nerve to (even though it deserves nothing less than vivisection). And after long delays and production issues, we're finally close enough to releasing our feature-length review that we feel compelled to share this special preview to pike the interest of anyone who was even a fraction as dissatisfied (and/or insulted) by the season three premiere as much as we were.

Yeah, I know season three debuted over a year ago. Yes, I know season four is just around the corner. But Hell, AntonyC's and BronyCurious' excellent Reviewing is Magic 4 came out almost a year after 'A Canterlot Wedding,' and that critique still hadn't lost any of it's relevance (and is worth it for Tommy's conspiracy theory about Queen Chrysalis alone). And as far as I'm concerned, it's never too late to to shell-out some rage against the Crystal Empire.

Besides, this is just the first of many...

Enjoy. Because like it or not, we're going to make this a thing.

- Christian 'Robert' Harisay

2185343
Please I bet most of everything you complain about in the video is Sombra. He was an awesome villain, he just wasn't a Discord, he wasn't supposed to be some great personality that you would want to be friends with he was supposed to be a legitimate threat.
He was highly intelligent, setting up traps that last 1000 years that managed to almost catch the element of magic off guard, he never monologues and the only reason the failed was because of sheer bad luck not because he made some stupid mistake, he was a good villain.

2185380 How much are you betting? Because given that I'm quite familiar with what material we do cover and to what extent (I am in this review, after all...), you might as well just give me your wager right now, because this is not just going to be some long "complain about Sombra-fest." Granted there isn't a sane, rational, objective person alive who can't bring up how terrible the season three premiere is and not bring up King Sombra, but given that we do our best to be objective, if it's good, we praise it, and if it sucks, we lambaste it.

Spoiler alert: Almost everything about this premiere sucked, so we criticize just about everything.

And we don't "complain" about Sombra. Joseph is going to rip him into microscopic pieces.

I could start arguing with you over how wrong everything you just said is, but for one, that would be superfluous, since we (mostly Joseph) cover just about everything there is to cover about King Somebody; we have had over a year to prepare this, after all. And for another, I'm willing to make a wager of my own and bet you didn't even watch the preview before you jumped to a default, knee-jerk defense of this indefensible premiere. Because even though Sombrero is a major reason we site in our review pertaining to the awfulness of this premiere, I openly state right there in the preview that there is something far, far, FAR worse in 'The Crystal Empire' than King Suck-Off...

- Christian 'Wake up to a Flame War' Harisay

2185343 Alright, having made a few videos myself, yours looks interesting enough, and I'm willing to give it a watch when it comes out.

Just a bit of advice though, you will want to turn the music volume down, because in your trailer it is loud enough to drown out some of the dialogue. Just make the music like half the volume it is now, or just omit it entirely (that's what I'd do.)

Make sure you make a blog post about it so that I'll see the video when it comes out, because if you just post it in the forums I might not see it.

2185535

Sombra was hardly an awesome villian.

This.

A bit like Sauron, really. But that's hardly the only resemblance he has.

We actually bring this up in the review. The only time Lord Sauron and King Sombra are allowed to be in the same sentence are when it's under the context of: "Sauron was really good; Sombra is absolutely terrible."

Our oldest brother/fellow fan-fiction writer, Brian, is a J.R.R Tolkien/Lord of the Rings junkie, and he helped us write the parts where we juxtapose Sombra against Sauron. So we made more than sure to know our shit when we wrote the script for this.

2185670 Well, thanks. I suppose in good faith I should see what you've posted, too.

I'll admit that for me, mixing volumes is a fickle trade in the editing process, but my options in that venue are extremely limited. And I'll straight-up admit that this is do to the fact that this preview (and in all likelihood, the entire review itself) were/will be made in, believe it or not... pause for dramatic effect... Windows Movie Maker.

I've made test versions of the preview without music, and it comes off as bland. Being a former graphics student with a little bit of studies in video editing (and a huge fan of Hans Zimmer) under my belt, I'm quite aware of how much an effect a soundtrack has on a film. Though I'll be sure to be more weary of that volume mixing for the final product, thanks.

Will do with the blog post, but I suspect that won't be entirely necessary. Once I post the completed review, first thing I'm going to do is submit it to EQD. I know they're a finicky bunch, but to my understanding, it's easier to get them to post a quality video than it is to get a fan fiction accepted there.

- Christian 'Amass the Herds' Harisay

2185913 Yes, it's actually very easy to get them to post a video. I've had two of mine posted there.

This is my most well known video, and has been included on EQD. Ironic, since it kinda pokes fun at EQD, so I guess they're at least willing to laugh at themselves sometimes.

B-b-but I liked the season 3 opener...

2186257
Be careful, you're about to told you're...

A. Stupid

B. Stupid

or

C. Stupid

2185343
You guys are committing a cardinal sin. Remember? Bronies are supposed to like everything that comes out and never criticize anything, because the writers/DHX/Hasbro are absolutely perfect and never get anything wrong and everything they do is FANTASTIC!

2186257 Perhaps you can help us then? Because that opening text in the preview about how we can't figure out why people love The Crystal Empire isn't an exaggeration; we literally can't figure out how anyone could like that asinine and contrived Matterhorn of horrible writing.

The only conclusion I've been able to come to is that anyone who does like it has to be unheard of levels of ignorant to all of those execrable episodes' heinous flaws, willful or otherwise. So is there just something we're missing about this? Because for a series that's been praised for ingenues writing (and I can point to plenty of episodes and gush unabashedly with praise where that is indeed true), it baffles me how anyone can point to the season three premiere and honestly say with a straight face that it stands as strong as anything else in the show.

2186854 Please. I may be cynical and sarcastic, but I'm not as brazen to be so callous.

I know that Joseph and I have thrown Doc Brown's presto logs into the furnace of this train and it's "full steam ahead" for the perilous "They panned it, now they suck" cliff, but we knew what we're going to be getting ourselves into ever since I started writing the script for this review way back in February.

No one is above criticism. Mel Brooks once said to Gene Wilder during the production of Young Frankenstein that you have to be willing to take a sledge hammer to your own work, because that's what the audience will be doing; but if it still stands up afterwards, you go with it.

Since Meghan McCarthy (and seemingly no one else in The Herd) have been willing to take the sledge hammer to that castle of glass, my brother and I are more than happy to pick up the slack.

2186184 Actually, that is an incorrect statement. And while I could full extrapolate on every difference between Sauron and Sombra (chiefly what makes the former succeed and the later fail in every fundamental aspect), trust me when I say that if we thought if a comparison to be made, we put it in the review, so getting into a discussion on the matter would reveal to much of our hand...

But I can give you a sample. There's a rule among writers that says every line of dialogue must either reveal character and/or advance the plot. Both characters have very little dialogue or direct interaction with any of the other characters, but with Sauron (and yes, this is in the review), you get scenes like the one where Frodo first equips the ring and Sauron goes, "I see you..." It ups the stages by establishing that Sauron is going to be watching Frodo like a vulture for the rest of the trilogy. But with Sombra, you get festering, infamous shit like "Yeeeesssss.... cryystaaaaalsss..." The only thing that does for either Sombra's character or the story is emphasize how painfully vapid the whole premiere is.

s3 opener was great anyway.

No, it isn't. Get you flame suit and prepare for war, because this will incite one.

From the villain that's as evil as a villain can get

No, he is not. Their are scores of more wicked antagonists out there. Hell, I'm writing one.

to the wonderful insight we got into the fears of Twilight and Spike.

We call bull shit on that, too. The number of things we don't light on fire can be counted with one hand.

- Christian 'Fanning the Flames' Harisay

2185913

this preview (and in all likelihood, the entire review itself) were/will be made in, believe it or not... pause for dramatic effect... Windows Movie Maker.

Like a boss.

2191217 And that right there is why I'm not going to give you my explanation. For two reasons:

1. You guys seems to obviously set in your opinions, nothing I can say will change you rmind. I'll be the first to admit that my tastes in media and writing are hardly high-brow. I can't deny that the episode is flawed, but I hesitate to call any episode of the show truly 'bad', because in the sorts of shows and films I've seen, I have seen a hell of a lot worse. Get back to me when the show gets as bad as 'Da Boom Crew' or 'The Wacky World of Tex Avery' or even 'MLP Newborn Cuties' and then we'll talk.

2. I don't appreciate being called ignorant. Forgive me if this is not the angle you were going for, but it doesn't actually seem like you want people to explain why they liked the episode. What you seem to want is people to point at and say 'No, this person is wrong and stupid, and this is why...'. And I'm not going to give you that.

2191449 Thank you! The way I see it, Sombra was meant to be a villain archetype called "The Dreaded", a villain who's evil is shown through the long-term effect they have had on other characters. Sauron is a classic example; he doesn't do a whole lot in the story himself, but the power he commands, and the terror he invokes in everybody is a clear indicator of his evil. Same goes for Voldemort (Pre-Goblet of Fire, anyway). We never see him in action ourselves, we just see the effect he has had on the wizarding world, and from that we can clearly see how evil he is.

This seems like the sort of angle they were going for with Sombra, but with one problem: They showed him doing things too much. It seems like they couldn't decide whether to have Sombra as a Dreaded villain, who's evil influence still lingers in the Crystal Empire and affects the Crystal Ponies to this day, or to have him as a straight villain who actually shows up and does evil things. It seems more like they tried to meet halfway, when they should have gone more in one direction or the other.

2191236

2191362 It's not gong to change my opinion, but that doesn't mean I won't listen. I once had an exchange with a lesbian over why I believe homosexuality is an improper direction to live one's life, and it was the most polite and considerate debate over a hot-button topic that I've ever been involved in. It sure as Hell didn't change my opinion, but I still learned from it (even if it was mostly just how to better argue my point).

I am quite aware that worse material exists. Just look at modern Cartoon Network. I used to watch Mystery Science Theater 3000. I've even seen the Super Mario Bros movie... without the Rifftrax commentary. But "not as bad" does not equate to "good," nor does that absolve "not as bad" for it's sins just because it wasn't "worse."

Go back and read what I said again; I didn't call you ignorant, I said that ignorance is only conclusion I've come up with for why anyone could like it... That, or you and everyone else have actually chosen to bury your heads in the sand and force yourselves to ignore or attempt to sugar coat all of The Crystal Empire's egregious blemishes. (And that's based of what others and you yourself just said to me.) But ignoring the elephant in the room doesn't mean the elephant isn't there. And if you have to ignore as many things as you'd have to ignore about the Crystal Empire to make it even remotely approach anything resembling quality programming, that alone says something about the Crystal Empire, doesn't it?

In fact, why not go back and watch any of those other massacres of animation that you just mentioned; if you ignore enough errors, blunders, and insipid qualities about those disasters, surely they could be enjoyable as well, right?

2191449 And I'll admit that sometimes I have difficulty deciphering when someone is being serious and when they aren't when I only have to go by what they wrote, so I guess I'm at fault there.

But you don't, so I have to assume you can't.

I didn't start down the "Sauron > Sombra" rant because if I did, it'd take hours for me to write my reply. And I don't want to give away too much of the review; because we cover literally everything. Joseph lobs verbal mortars of spite and scrutiny towards Sombra for a total of five pages.

We do acknowledge that Sombra is supposed to set a dark tone, but we do explain (and you at least admit) that it fails, and the reason is because (and this is covered in the review as well) neither Sombra or the crystals have any context. The crystals are never given any substantive significance (though they should have), Sombra's obsession with them is never explained ("Hey, McCarthy; have you heard of this thing called 'character motivation?'"), and so changing the crystals from bright, hurt-your-eyes pastel to all dark and shit has no dramatic relevance whatsoever.

Actually, Sauron did a lot of things, but everything he did (beyond the prelude where he slaughtered men and elves by the thousands) was either subtle or indirect; controlling the Nazgul, gaining the allegiance of Sarumon, spreading deceit through the Seer Stones, commanding the orc armies, and etcetra. And don't forget that Suaron's will existed through the one ring, so the erosion of Frodo's spirit (and everyone else who came into contact with the ring) was an adverse effect of Sauron's power, too.

Meghan McCarthy once admitted that she tried to take inspiration from Sauron when she wrote Sombra (link to the video for proof.) Given our relation and interacting with aforementioned Tolkien junkie, our knowledge is greater than most of the unfathomable magnitude of Meghan McCarthy's grandiose failure.

2192923

Poke for do things

lol, wut?

- Christian 'Eternal Fire' Harisay

2199283 Sauron did things, but was all behind the scenes. He's the puppet master kind of villain, pulling the strings from behind the stage. And we are shown that if Sauron had the ability to act directly things would be far worse, since we're told in the books and shown in the movies how much shit he rocked and faces he wrecked during the battle at Mt. Doom.

Granted, Sombra also gets a scene where we're shown how much shit sucked under his reign (presuming forcing the crystal ponies to dance the chained conga is the show's idea of something reprehensibly heinous), but points have to be deducted from that for a. only lasting five seconds, and b. both Sombra and the crystal ponies only having been just established (not introduced) within the ten seconds prior.

And it's ironic that Redback Spino should bring up the point at the end that he does, since the premiere trying to have it's antagonist both ways (both a background looming evil and an engaging villain character) is also something that we bring up. And yet it ends up doing neither concept justice, since it's quite apparent that McCarthy doesn't know how to properly write either archetype.

Symbolically, the crystals going from light to dark and vice-versa works, but it doesn't hold up narratively given how the changes are purely superficial. What is the significance of them changing? None so far as I can tell. It's just arbitrarily labeling the "good guys"/ victims and the bad guy without fostering or even allowing for an emotional attachment to be made. That's why the scene I mentioned earlier doesn't hold up for me.

You're correct on the stones being given more attention in the books, though. The movie mentions them, and it does show us one, but that even though the stones will show you the truth, they only lead to deceive isn't brought up. If it is, it's so subtle that you can't pick up on it unless you already know; like how in the movie, Denathor saying to Gandalf "I have seen more than you know" is all the clue-in we get that Denethor actually has a Seer Stone in his possession, has ended up communing with Suaron, and been lead to believe that all is lost. (Again, I know this thanks to Brian.)

He's got a door trap, but that's kinda... lackluster.

Wait; you thought the scary door was bull shit?...

Oh, thank God! I seriously thought my brothers and I were the only ones who thought that!

- Christian 'Friends in the Flicker' Harisay