EThe Sun Also Rises

• MLP: FiM
• Equestria Girls
• MLP: Comic
• Drama

Sunset Shimmer has taken a hard fall. Thankfully, some new friends and an old mentor are more than willing to help her rise again.

• Alt. Universe
• Twilight
• Spike
• Celestia
• Sunset Shimmer
• Main 7 (EqG)

EchoWing · 13k words  ·  201  2 · 9.1k views

Summary:

In the aftermath of the Fall Formal, Sunset Shimmer has fallen. Her power in Canterlot High is gone, and she's been exposed for the monster that she is. With nowhere else to go and nothing she can do, she retreats to where she's hidden herself since arriving in the human world, a realm that links Canterlot High and Equestria. But she isn't the only one to know about this realm, on either side, and perhaps with a little help from her new friends and her old mentor, she can find it in her to rise again.

New suggested summary:
Summary: Sunset Shimmer has taken a hard fall. Thankfully, some new friends and an old mentor are more than willing to help her rise again.

Initial thoughts: This story reads like a nature documentary. It is about Sunset Shimmer after the first movie. So, we learn about the consequences of her actions, and how she feels about everything. We also learn about the Main Six, and what they plan to do, to help her.

5/10

Heart of the story: The heart of this story is Sunset Shimmer and her many issues that she must face. Between her past, her present and even her future. Sunset Shimmer is not sure where she fits in. Chapter one focuses on this, heavily. Almost, too much. There’s a lot of repetitiveness in talking about Sunset’s past. 

4/10

Writing/Grammar: "It's always better to start your story with either dialog, or action. Long-winded sentences where nothing happens is a fast way to lose readers." -Quote Dreams of Ponies

 The sun was just starting to rise over town, but the shadows of night still clung to the area around Canterlot High School as Sunset Shimmer continued her work, such as it was. 

We immediately start with a run-on sentence that could honestly be shortened or broken apart. 
Example:

The sun was starting to rise over town, but the shadows of night still clung to the area around Canterlot High. 

Sunset Shimmer continued her work.

It clears up the run on sentence, and gives Sunset her own starting line, which helps separate the two events.

The writing here is all over the place. There’s way too much repetition, there’s also way too many commas, and run-on sentences. A lot of telly-ness that could be easily fixed with a bit of rewording, and editing in places. 

2/10

Characterization: The characters were written decently. The main issue I have here is that the main six, briefly mention Sunset Shimmer as their former foe, and for the Main six it feels wrong. They are very forgiving, and would want Sunset to be their friend.

6/10

Originality/Execution:
Sunset Shimmer stories are either rare, or all over the place, but as for this one. It’s just very generic, and lacks substance. I feel like I didn’t learn anything new, or interesting. All I can say is that it feels just bland.

3/10

Overall thoughts and feedback:

“Tearin’ apart our counterparts’ friendship, bullyin’ them an’ Twilight, framin’ her? Yeah, we got the short version.” Applejack

Applejack sums up how I feel about this story  in a nutshell. The writing is constantly almost unreadable in some parts. A lot of paragraph’s are way too long, and have many run-on sentences. And lots of unnecessary dialogue, as well as descriptions that tell the reader every little thing. When it could have just been shortened, more concise, and more concrete. This story needs work, and if the author’s willing, this story could be a lot better. You just have to actually put in the work, to make it work. As AJ would say.

“Nothing like a hard day’s work, to fill you with pride in a job well done.”

5+4+2+6+3 =20/50
4/10

To the writer: You have a good idea here. Sunset Shimmer redemption stories are very popular, and this could be really good, however right now you need an editor. Or simply, you need to understand proper paragraphing, and not using so many commas, or simply slowing down. 

To the reader: If you really want to learn about Sunset and what happens after the first movie, this reads like a very long speech about what happened during the first movie, and a bit of after the movie as well. It doesn’t really elaborate exactly where it is, but it’s definitely before Rainbow Rocks, from what I gathered.

Notes: 
Chapter 1:

She sighed with relief and got back to her feet. “Thank you, ma’am.” She then strode into the school, walking past the trophy cases and doing her best to avoid her reflections in their glass surfaces. It was bad enough facing what she’d done, she hardly wanted to face herself too.

THIS is good. It is a little telly in it’s execution but we clearly see Sunset struggling and that comes through here, and it’s not clunky, nor does it have any run-on sentences. Good work with this. Just remember to focus on showing us her feelings through her actions rather than directly telling us.

“I feel that I should apologize to you, Twilight.”

“Princess Celestia?” Twilight Sparkle looked up at her mentor in surprise as they stepped out of the Crystal Palace’s conference room, the first meeting to the first day of her first princess summit having been completed despite its delay. “What do you need to apologize to me for? Nothing that’s happened in the last few days was your fault.”

 
This is a paragraph that can honestly be cut to mostly the dialogue. You don’t need to tell us it’s the first meeting of the first day of her first Princess Summit. BUT if you must SHOW us.

“I should apologize to you, Twilight.

Twilight Sparkle looked up at her mentor in surprise as they stepped out of the Crystal Palace’s conference room. 

“What do you need to apologize for? 

Celestia smiled at the young princess, thankful for her support and understanding. “Perhaps, though I’m not entirely without blame.” They continued down the hallway as the princess continued, “Nonetheless, I did fail to tell you a great deal about many things. Sunset Shimmer, for example.”

Here, we have yet another example of a short paragraph that could be cut way down, to emphasize on what Celestia is doing, rather than simply telling us the reader how she feels.
Celestia smiled, bowing her head towards Twilight. “Perhaps. I’m not entirely without blame,” She frowned, tilting her head to the side, sighing. The two continued down the hallway together. “I didn’t tell you a great deal about many things. Sunset Shimmer.”

The next segment that starts with Rainbow Dash, and the rest of the mane six, most of that is okay. 

Sunset Shimmer put aside the dirtied clothing she’d worn through the night, glad that she’d stashed some spare garments in the girls’ locker room in anticipation of this realm being closed off to her, and took a second to get her jacket back on. It was just as well that she had. Between her defeat and the work she’d done the previous night, she was filthy, and consequently glad for the chance to shower and clean herself up. She hadn’t expected the need for it, but she’d never expected that she’d have to fix the damage she’d done.

Here is another segment that reads like a wall of text. Split it up, and shorten it a bit, and it will read a lot more clearer to your audience.
Example:

Sunset Shimmer put aside her dirty clothes into her hamper. She took a deep breath in, taking her jacket out, and putting it back on. Closing her eyes for just a moment, she let herself relax. She knew she had to fix the damage she had done, and knew it wouldn’t be easy, but she had to try.

Pinkie looked as though she wanted to interrupt, but Rarity stopped her, convincing the party girl to let their former foe continue.

This is a run-on sentence. Also, why in the world would any of the Main six, think of Sunset as a former foe. They’d think of her as a friend, it’s just how they are.

Pinkie looked at Sunset, biting her lip, but Rarity put a hand on her shoulder. 

The first chapter is FLOODED with long paragraphs, run-on sentences, and a lot of instances where a paragraph could be shortened to read in a more concise manner. The thing reads like a nature documentary, but when you are sitting at your computer, or laptop and reading this, it reads like a wall of text. Split things up, and re-read your work more thoroughly and this could easily be 20% better.

Chapter 2: Same issues as before. Too many paragraph’s that just go on, way too long. Trim them, split them up, and please. Stop. With all the run-on sentences. 

7784084
Now I know that this wasn't for me. I had been looking at it. Mostly cause I was bored and needed a Sunset fix.

7784084
...well, thank you for the honest review. I'm sorry that you had so many problems with it.

7784198
...and I could've done without seeing this. I know that no one was trying to be cruel here, but I've had an absolutely lousy time over the last couple months, and seeing comments like this do little to help my already dour mood.