TCalmer Shores

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure
• Slice of Life

Strings sing with flowing grace, while bugs buzz a droning bass. Wolves howl at the highest highs, while birds chirp through the morning skies.

• Death
• OC
• Other
• Dragons

Orderly Disassembly · 4.9k words  ·  15  2 · 216 views

Description

On a world far away.
From everything today.

In a grand green forest.
Where evil does not rest.

On a quiet bright hill.
Where none do bode ill.

Lie a home, made of vines and leaves.
Twisted bout’ grand, great trees.

Initial Thoughts

The poetic description—literally a poem—gives little away. From what I can tell, this is a story that promises to focus more on a setting as a point of plot. As to what this generally means for this story… I cannot say. It may be reasonable to assume that a traditional “plot” will not be present, so much as a series of descriptions or “moods.” These are, of course, perfectly valid storytelling avenues, though perhaps even more dependent on execution than premise in order to be justified.

There’s something faulty about the poem, though. Some of the syntactical decisions, such as using the past pluralization of “lay” as opposed to the singular, come across a bit stiff and awkward. And the use of fragments as opposed to simple enjambments is a bit strange—but we aren’t here to grade the poetry, anyway. 

Spoilers ahead.

Summary

Join us for a series of anecdotes about a young dragon named Benedict, who lives in peaceful hermitage in a place he calls home.

Plot

If my summary sounds vague, well… that’s because the story itself is quite vague. That is both a point against it, and yet, upon reflection, not really a huge problem. 

“Calmer Shores” has three chapters so far, and given those three, very little actually happens—at least, conventionally speaking. The first chapter largely consists of a fishing trip, wherein we are introduced to our main character: Benedict. He’s a young dragon living on his own, something of a hermit, with a couple of notable characteristics better worth mentioning in the Characterization section. Other events in this first chapter include a meal and fixing and playing the violin, which all serve to give a few moments to characterize Benedict, though they do not themselves seem to suggest much of a larger “plot.”

As this story is tagged “Adventure,” I do find that a bit worrisome. There isn’t really a sense of exploration of journey, even though there’s a small one in the first chapter—the journey Benedict takes to the fishing spot. But even then, there’s not much in terms of conflict or intrigue. Benedict appears to meander, to dwell, to take his time (oddly even when he’s a bit impatient), and as such, nothing “exciting” (in a conventional sense) happens.

The second chapter isn’t much better, nor is it much worse. It’s just another poem. One that, I think, speaks to some of the thematic motifs this story is attempting to set up, but it’s otherwise only noteworthy for its form, if not its content.

The third chapter is another “escapade” of sorts, with Benedict traveling to the Everfree (unless he was already living in it? To be fair the story is a bit unclear about that point) to speak with an old friend. That old friend turns out to be none other than the Tree of Harmony, whom Benedict chastises for thinking it can do everything on its own. That revelation itself is perhaps the most interesting aspect of the story so far, and while there are hints to reasons for how the two came to be friends, the story withholds enough information to suggest that it’ll be a plot point in the future. 

My quick summarization aside, what this should demonstrate is that this doesn’t really feel like an “adventure” story. It feels closer to a series of slice-of-life anecdotes all about exploring who this Benedict fellow is. But that, as I alluded to earlier, is not really a problem. If you take out any preconceptions of Adventure and simply go into the story as it is, what you find is something that feels rather intimate and soft-spoken. Without the bombastic, life-threatening, perilous displays common to many Adventure stories, this one allows a smoother approach to incorporating character as plot, by focusing on revealing characterization rather than plot development. 

It’s not altogether smooth, however. Something I did not mention was that the first chapter is a bit cliche. The story, after all, starts off with Benedict waking up. While I am not necessarily opposed to this sort of opening, I do note that it’s largely frowned upon for its cliche nature. It simply adds to the un-exciting nature of the story in a manner that, I think, works against whatever the author intends.

A possible workaround would have been to start much sooner to Benedict’s fishing trip rather than having that follow a couple hundred words of opening filler. While fishing isn’t necessarily “exciting,” I again point to how the story appears to relegate its focus to revealing character first, and therefore argue that using the fishing event as an avenue of character expression would provide a bit of “Aha!” and flavor to the story’s otherwise bland opening. 

It’s hard to score this story’s plot, then, since it just doesn’t really have one. It’s far easier to consider the two main chapters as separate stories and weigh them against the work as a whole. What I will say is that, despite the nothingness found mostly throughout, I still rather enjoyed the methodical way the author chose to start going through the beginning stages of the story. It was to the point that I was actually somewhat disappointed to see that the story has been shelved, placed in the freezer, since March. I found the relaxing components, whether or not they were intentional, to be rather warm, and would have enjoyed learning more about Benedict as time went on. 

But perhaps that is part of why the story has come to a close so early. If it’s tagged as an Adventure, there’s no real sense of “adventure” provided, and perhaps the author themselves does not know how to apply such a thing. What I would suggest, assuming this is correct, is to forgo the Adventure aspect as a focus and instead follow through on exploring Benedict as a character. These chapters could be short stories rather than part of an overarching plot—but if you want an overarching plot, one thing you can do is set up little details in future chapters that may hint to a greater conflict or event. 

Regardless, though I enjoyed the story for what it was, its plot is definitely rather weak. It’s not terrible, but it has a paradoxical situation attached to it—both being of nothing and yet needing to be of nothing. 

Score - 5 / 10

Characterization

The main character, as I said, is a young dragon named Benedict. Bit of an odd name for a dragon, but that’s all right. Aside from obviously liking nature, his time alone, his violin and music, and outdoorsy stuff, there’s a rather small hint that he was not always a dragon, found in the first chapter (which I’m just now realizing is titled the Prologue, despite not really being one?):

Benedict.

A name. An old name. His name. Benedict smiled at his handiwork. While it took a while to adjust to being a dragon, having claws and splinter-proof scales were definitely plusses in his book.

There’s a possibility that this was part of a larger planned plot point that has yet to be expanded upon, but whether that is or isn’t the case, it does color Benedict in a fascinating way. What was he before? Why does he think having draconic anatomy is far more fitting? That seems to imply that he was either predisposed towards aggressive anatomical behaviors and strategies, or that he encountered something that made him begin to think, This is far better for me!

But not everything is idyllic for him. We get a quick exchange at the end of the Prologue between Benedict and a woodpecker, where we read the following:

A fire ignited in his chest as his throat constricted. Quick, deep breaths tore through his throat as Benedict desperately tried to calm himself, leaving a sore mess behind.

Tense muscles coiled, ready to jump to cover at the slightest twitch.

The woodpecker stopped its vigorous pecking for a moment to examine Benedict. A chirp accompanied a tilt of its head as it continued staring at him. After a few moments of quiet, Benedict managed to pull himself together with a shake of the head. A weak smile crossed his lips.

“I’m sorry little one, but could you do that somewhere else please?”

The tiny bird hopped from place to place on the branch it resided as it chirped at him some more, all the while pointing a wing at the hole.

“I’m sure it was, but-”

Benedict took a deep breath before continuing on.

“-but it really causes me some issues, so could you please, just find somewhere else?”

While not much is said, we do learn that Benedict has some sensory issues. Overly sensitive ears may be a result of his transformation into a dragon, or it could be a sign of a past trauma—the parallels to “tightness of chest” and “rapid breathing” seem too decisively chosen and implemented to ignore. 

That said… that’s about everything interesting about Benedict, so far.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s not a boring character. But the story isn’t helped by how little there is with him. I anticipate that more about him would have been explored, but since a lot of his characterization is based on his likes and dislikes but not really his actions or motives, it’s hard to get a grasp for who he is and who the authors wants him to be. There’s a certain “gap,” of sorts, between Benedict the archetypical protagonist—one who is vaguely likable (emphasis on vaguely)—and Benedict the character. What we’re seeing is something that’s only just stepping outside the scope of caricature. 

More simply needs to be written for us to care about Benedict.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t care about him. How the author has written him suggests great consideration for, oddly enough, what it would mean to write from a dragon’s POV. More than that, I think the author likes Benedict, as odd as that may be to say. There’s a certain definition about him, a sense of consistency, which, while mild and underdeveloped, suggests traces of a developed character later down the line—a developed character whom the author cares for, and would certainly benefit from writing more of.

Although it suffers from a similar lack of content as the plot, the story’s Characterization is a bit stronger in that there’s more suggestion that we can grab on to. There’s not much, though, which is just the fault of the story’s incompleteness and length. But of the three categories of critique I’ve chosen to focus my reviews through, Characterization is the better of them.

Score - 6.5 / 10

Syntax

This’ll be closer to a run-down or a list than a series of interlocking paragraphs, but I think that’s particularly beneficial for this review.

There’s something off about the story’s syntax. Everything sounds… clunky. Each sentence has about the same length and number of syllables, such that they sound monotonous. This is especially evident in the first three paragraphs of the Prologue, but it was a feature evident throughout much of the story. 

Normally, I don’t harp about syllabic length of sentences, but when it becomes this frequent and therefore monotonous, it simply makes reading the story a bit of a chore. It’s not incomprehensible. In fact, it’s largely serviceable. But it’s therefore rather… plain, and not in a stylistic way. 

(The poems are also somewhat stilted. I’m not much of a poetry expert, but I do note that something about the tonal quality and rhythm appears flat. It’s like the meter stops before it should.) 

Other syntactic issues involved the use of epithets and awkward verbs. Epithets abound in maybe every other paragraph: “the worriless wanderer”; “the gray beast”; “the silvery marine behemoth.” Context allows us to figure out to whom these refer, but it’s far easier to use pronouns in place of these whenever possible. (More than that, calling a fishing “the silvery marine behemoth,” while in the context that the fish is huge for its species, sounds cheesy, reliant on the appearance of spectacle rather than the manifestation of substance.) 

As for awkward verbs, there were a few instances of them, but perhaps the most noteworthy was the use of “descend” to describe how Benedict’s face “descended into a malicious grin.” I can infer the meaning, but perhaps it would pay to avoid attempting overly poetic or overly dramatic verbiage. 

What about description? Being a story centered on setting, it makes sense that “Calmer Shores” should make ample use of it. At times, it works. The author exhibits a good balance for writing not only sharp description, but description that invites the reader to tag along. This is certainly evident in the musical accompaniment sections, where the author manages to convey musicality as a describable phenomenon quite nicely. But at other times, the description is just way too much. The constant motifs of “nature sounds” and “natural beauty” and the peacefulness of the woods are fine in regulation, but made frequent as they are in this story, they become borderline cliche and flat. Nothing’s all that exciting when described twice unless it’s described in a new way. The story would certainly have benefited from a more rigorous consideration of exact language of nature and how to avoid the same, tired methods of previous writers. 

Finally, I must note the story’s dialogue. It’s similar to the syntax overall, in that it’s clunky. Take a look at this exchange between Benedict and a timberwolf pup:

“Now now, little one, that isn’t for you.”

The timberpup spun to face Benedict and barked at him. However, before he could respond, the living pile of wood rushed him, pouncing upwards, trying to get its leafy tongue all over Benedict’s face.

“Oh ho, down boy, yes you can have some later, but I’ve gotta cook it first.”

The little pup growled and Benedict responded with a scowl.

“Don’t take that kind of tone with me, little one! Do I need to talk to your parents ‘bout manners, hm?”

The tiny wolf whimpered as it bowed its head.

“Aw, don’t worry bout it little guy, just don’t act like that again, capiche?”

There’s just something off with how Benedict speaks. Each line sounds slightly different, each line sounds like a different speaker. The character’s voice doesn’t sound like Benedict, even though I have no real way of knowing how he’s supposed to sound; but because there is this inconsistency, those instances of dialogue fail to be rendered authentically. It’s like someone’s trying to speak through Benedict, rather than Benedict himself speaking.

Overall, the story’s syntax is clunky. It’s grammatically correct throughout, and a couple of stylistic choices may be forgiven, but the general effect is one of bemusement rather than amusement. It could simply be that the author has yet to settle on a style of their own, and that’s perfectly fine. It could also be the fault of the story’s length and incompleteness yet again—perhaps if more was written, more could be ironed out. 

Score - 5 / 10

Final Score - ( 5 + 6.5 + 5 ) / 3 = 5.5 / 10

Final Thoughts

Reviewing incomplete stories such as these makes scoring them difficult, since it’s hard to review the final product when there isn’t one—but I wanted to point out that despite the flaws, the story does show promise. 

I could easily bump up any of these scores by a point or two if the story were written—I mean that, quite literally; if there was simply more to the story. And I would actually encourage the author to see if they can continue this piece. Benedict has the potential to be an interesting character, and if more anecdotal storytelling were to follow, I think people wouldn’t mind. 

<For archive purposes: 5.5/10>

tbh, I thought I took this out of the folder for review because I saw the issues, but thanks for the feedback, it is appreciated