It's Reviewsday my dudes! This week we have:

[Adult story embed hidden]

After a late night of studying, Gallus needs a good way to relieve his stress. Luckily, Silverstream is there to help him. And she has a few creative ideas on how to help.

Rated M for Sex, and tagged Random Comedy.

Going into reading this, I did not anticipate reading a short little 6.8k story to be so mentally taxing. Technically it is written perfectly fine, save for a couple minor errors. But more the journey that this story goes on within itself.

This story marks the third that I will have reviewed by Muggonny, submitted to me in what I took to be a redemption bid after the last two stories I reviewed- eh, less than favorably.

A story tagged Sex and Comedy boded well, since sex can be very funny. Things start off well with Silverstream and Gallus in his dorm room and things look like they are going to get steamy. Silverstream is characteristically eccentric, and as somewhat expected, things go a little off the rails. And then further. And further off the rails. And barely on the second page of text, the story has veered completely off course into the land of absurd and just holds the pedal to the floor, bound for the horizon.

TL;DR
Silverstream starts to seduce Gallus, and roleplays being upstairs from her parents. Someone roleplaying as her father barges in, and she tells Gallus to roleplay fighting him. The other person is a method actor and beats up Gallus who flees through a broken window to stay at a motel for the night.

Still horny in chapter 2, he tries to watch porn, but is visited by his Chastity Fairy, who tells him that now that he's started, he can now only have sex with Silverstream, and can't do anything else sexual, including masturbation.

So in the third chapter, he goes back to Silverstream, who has hired an entire troupe of firefighter strippers. This goes about as well as the first time around, and the strippers leave before they can perform.

The vast majority of the third chapter follows one of the strippers, Foxtrot, on a journey of self-reflection. How he wanted to be a real firefighter like his father but couldn't because of health reasons. Only to find out that like himself, his father wasn't a real firefighter either, but was also a stripper. And so Foxtrot re-embraces his stripper life with renewed passion.

And then the story ends. (Marked incomplete). To quote;

Neither of those things have anything to do with each other

I went into reading this hoping to glean some better insight into Muggonny as a writer, but the more I learn, the less I know. You clearly have a style. It's easy to see that this was written by the same person who wrote Dogs in the Attic. And that style is confusion to the point of irritation.

I wrote this over a period of one month and couldn't get anyone to look at the chapter before I caved in and decided to publish something. If it's a little weird, don't be shocked. I winged most of it.

I don't know how to say this nicely, but it shows. This reads like a sort of stream of consciousness writing that was stitched together piecemeal. Like taking the pages of a diary, written at different times, with unconnected events, and sticking them together and calling it a story.

Yes, it's tagged Random Comedy, but that isn't a license to go Jackson Pollock with your ideas and call it a story. Flawed, realistic, and funny sexual misadventures between Silverstream and Gallus could have been its own, good narrative. Even Gallus and wrangling the Chastity Fairy could have been an interesting romp if it was the central arc. Hell, the closest this gets to having an actual story in the story was the arc with Foxtrot! But it's played as just a bit in a smoothie blender full of bits, which just cheapens it.

But the reason why all the absurdity and funny parts fall flat is because when you just go straight to turning the absurdity up to 11 and just leave it there the whole time, it's like being right next to a loud jet engine. It drowns out everything else until it all just becomes white noise that you go deaf to. This is why the Straight Man is so vital in comedy, to ground it and give absurdity context.

Before my scores, some highlights:

Silverstream leaned in toward him and whispered, “He’s not my real dad. I hired him to keep things interesting. Just beat him up and that will, like, really turn me on.”
Gallus raised a brow. “You mean actually beat him up?”
She shook her head. “Nah, just slap him a couple of times, tell him to run off, and call him a racial slur or something. I’ll be wet for days if you do that.”

The Chastity Fairy pulled out a gun.

“But I’m ready now! I even brought protection.” Silverstream lifted both of her forelegs up and Gallus saw that, indeed, Silverstream was wearing knee pads.

“Fuck me harder than a tax evader!”

Foxtrot smiled, tears spreading down his cheeks. He sniffed. “I only recognized three of those names.”
“Uh…” Willoughby brought a hoof up and rubbed it over the back of his head sheepishly. “You tend to have a lot of kids when you’re living the stripper life.”

Technical Writing: 9/10
Credit where it's due, whatever this is, it's written well, with only a scant couple errors.

Dialogue: 7/10
Silverstream and Gallus both sound like their characters from the show. And the dialogue for all the other bit parts are also done well. But the (Pony name) bit got old fast.

Characterization: 8/10
Strange as it is, Silverstream feels very in-character. And Gallus reacts realistically to everything that happens to him.

Prose: 8/10
I feel dirty giving this story so many good scores. But for what it is, it is done to a mirror polish. This... odyssey is written well and the prose does an excellent job of narration, shows without telling, and has good description of all the weird stuff that happens.

Story Overall: 3/10
This story gets a three. One for each of the three story fragments stitched together like some kind of bizzaro chimera.

And now for my final thoughts:
This story is making me question my sanity. I feel like I'm on the outside, looking into a clubhouse of forbidden knowledge, unable to understand what I'm looking at. Because that I'm looking at is a like ratio of 63:10 and I don't understand it.
However, like myself, I'm sure you have cultivated a group of followers that share your particular taste. And that is something that I will not begrudge. To each their own, I suppose. The bottom line is that by all objective measures, you clearly know what you're doing, and you clearly have an audience that likes it. And as artistic creatives, that's enough.

For review purposes: 7/10

7683213
Well, it's a story by Muggonny. The guy has talent, and he shows it in his own way.

Tbh, the whole point of the story is the absurdity. There's a reason why it has an "anthology" tag. There's no central arcing story, just one absurd premise that gets stretched out to see how much creativity can be thrown in until it becomes tiresome. It's discombobulating, yeah, but that's why it's fun to write. I wanted to write a story where the sole focus was the comedy and nothing else. It's really just me going, "Here's something I think will be funny," and throwing it in.

Despite all the criticism, it still rated higher than Fulfilling Pinkie's Dream. There's that at least.

7683455
Dear Lord, should I ask?

7683785
It was reviewed by this very man in this very group. Scroll down the forums and look for "Fulfilling Pinkie's Dream". It's unreadable. I mean it; not even I can sit through the entire thing and I wrote it.

7683785

[Adult story embed hidden]

Shake's Take