On my quest to leave no M-Rated story behind in the General folder of the Reviewers' Mansion, next up is:

[Adult story embed hidden]

To celebrate their first winter break as college students, Sunset and Wallflower spend a weekend in the mountains. Despite the serenity surrounding them, Sunset can't help but feel as if there's something her girlfriend isn't telling her.

TL;DR
Sunset Shimmer and Wallflower have been dating a while and get a cabin in the mountains where they have sex for the first time.

Let me start out by saying that the story is good. It's well-written, readable and enjoyable. So keep that in mind with the following critique which is, in the end, only minor nitpicks.

~

If I could describe the story in a word, it would be "Anxious". The generalized neurosis feels like a recurring theme throughout the story that is written in the 3rd-person limited from mostly Sunset's perspective.

Sunset squeezed Wallflower’s hand. The slightly shorter girl, her eyes awash with wonder, didn’t respond at first. When Sunset wrapped her arm around her waist instead, only then did she tear her gaze from the horizon. She did so with the slightest jump and squeak, eliciting a chuckle from Sunset.
“Didn't mean to scare you,” Sunset said quietly, placing a kiss on Wallflower's cheek.
Blushing, Wallflower leaned against her. “Sorry, I was zoning out a bit there.”
“No worries.”

And while those first-date, will-they-won't-they jitters would make sense on a first date, it is established that Sunset and Wallflower have been dating for a while. So the prevalence of this nervousness from the both of them, while endearing at first, starts to wear out its novelty quickly, and actually starts to feel off-tone for a couple that has been in a relationship for a while. And this is all long before the prospect of their first sexual experience together. Wallflower is nervous because of her self-harm scars, and Sunset has that nervous, OCD, perfectionist personality that wants to fix everything.

Dread settled into Sunset’s stomach, frostier than the chill in the air. An instinctive reply formed in her mind. Despite how urgently it screamed inside her head, she held it at bay. What rose in her thoughts was prying, examining, reasoning. Wanting to know. Wanting to fix.
Time, along with more than a few long nights and many tears, had taught Sunset that wasn’t the correct approach. Sometimes there was no answer for what was bothering Wallflower. Sometimes Wallflower herself didn’t know. Sometimes it was something that would never go away. Never be solved. Only shrink and contort into a more manageable shape.
Not to say that everything was like this. No, sometimes, Wallflower just needed Sunset to hold her and tell her it would be okay. Sometimes, she needed tangible solutions. Sometimes, she just needed Sunset to be there, if simply in spirit.
It was hard for Sunset to hold back, but she needed to. When Wallflower started to flow away, she just needed to be patient, and wait. She would flow right back.

This is actually a really profound realization that most couples don't have for years, and one that resonated with me, personally, working on my own impulses to be the "fixer" in the relationship. As well-said in the text, sometimes one need only be there, available for a hug.

~

Rated M and tagged Sex gave me expectations for the third act, and indeed it does contain some explicit lesbian sex. To be specific, fingering and scissoring but no oral.

Now I'll be the first to say that consent is sexy, but that nervous-vibe overtone carries over into the bedroom. The sex scene, (and really, everything leading up to it) feels like someone is playing with the shifter of the story's engine, blindly shifting back and forth between 1st, 2nd, and 3rd gear, while hitting reverse a few times as well.

And I don't just mean the drawn-out lead-up to both of them admitting, out loud, that yes, they would both like to engage in consensual sex. That part, while a bit cliché, was forgivable for at least being on theme for the story about them having sex for the first time. But afterwards, mid-coitus, it starts to get disruptive to the flow of the sex scene, which mind you, comprises nearly half of the 14.7K-word story.

And then there's this:

“So…” Lowering her eyelids, Sunset whispered into Wallflower’s ear, “Maybe you could try doing that to me?”
“...Doing what?” Wallflower asked, sounding… confused?
Sunset blinked. “Uh…” This time, she was the one to trip over her words. “You know, what we, uh, just mentioned?”
This time, when Wallflower turned to face her, Sunset didn’t see a timid expression or anxious eyes looking back. There was a glint in her eyes, as well as a growing smile across her blushing face, that betrayed the innocent question she asked next. “Why don’t you spell it out for me?”

Yes, could you please? We're not middle-schoolers.

“Are you okay?” Wallflower’s wide-eyed wonder was etched with concern, a confused frown replacing her smile. “Did I hurt you?”
“N-no!” After stealing a breath, Sunset shook her head to reiterate. “No, Wally, not at all. That…” She grinned toothily. “Th-that felt really good.”

One of the first lessons I teach in my erotic writing seminars is that perfect people having perfect sex is perfectly boring. What makes good erotica is people who are flawed, and make mistakes. Sex can be funny. With this story, it is at times inadvertently amusing to watch two people with this sort of generalized anxiety being intimate for the first time with each other, but I admit, I found myself rolling my eyes after the third or forth "are you okay?" moment. We get it! They are compassionate lovers who care about each other. In fact, the word "love" is in here 68 times. At a certain point it's okay to lose yourself to passion in the heat of the moment and just ~do~.

As I said from the start, these are only minor, (and admittedly subjective) nitpicks of an overall good story.

Technical Writing: 9/10
There was only a couple minor technical errors that my editorial eye found on my first read-through. (There was a missing closing quotation somewhere.) But it didn't disrupt my ability to enjoy the story in the slightest.

Prose 7/10
The prose was good, if a bit flowery for my taste. But not so much so that I would accuse it of purple prose. Though I would say that it does toe the line in places.

Dialogue: 8/10
Characterization: 9/10
The dialogue felt organic and the characterization felt authentic. Although there was a bit more non-word vocalizations like Mmm, and Mhmm playing havoc with the audio reader than I would have preferred. I'm not caught up on Equestria Girls so I'm not sure how 100% they are in-character. But as written, they felt like they real people with real feelings and really, that's what matters.

Story Overall: 9/10
It's good!
When I find myself criticizing something, be it cooking or the Disney Star Wars trilogy; Part of that requires me to offer how I would make it better, or else the critique is worthless. And in reading this, I couldn't rightly say that the parts I've complained about need to be removed or changed. And it made me realize that this isn't lesbian porn written for me, as a man.

These Mountains You Carried is the quintessential sapphic erotica, written by a self-proclaimed lesbian, about lesbians, for lesbians.

And before you grab your "homophobic" picket signs, I want to be clear that I don't mean that in a negative way. Quite in fact, I found this story to be outstanding! And for me, personally, it answered a lingering question in the back of my mind regarding the existence of the dreaded "male gaze", and what the opposite of that might be. And I think this story is pretty close to the mark. The supposed female gaze wiki definition feels pretty biased, as though women are somehow incapable of objectifying men. But I'm not here to go on a rant about gender politics, so let me change gears for a moment.

I'm not a lesbian, myself. But I am a man who has had more than my share of FFM three-ways. The majority of my time in which was mostly a spectator role. As such, I can say with a fair degree of certainty that the difference between lesbian porn, and actual lesbian sex, is like the difference between shooting a bullet, and throwing it. And I don't just mean in film. There is plenty of erotica on here that is (either knowingly, ironically, or out of ignorance) written with no clue what real lesbian sex is like. And I am knowingly just as guilty of it. My point is, to it's credit, this is not lesbian porn written for men. So, to read this was refreshing in that regard. It felt grounded, and real, and imperfect.

And that is what makes it good.

"This is probably the most pure sex scene I've read in a long while, oxymoron that may be." - The Eroticator

For review purposes: 8/10

Let me start out by saying that the story is good. It's well-written, readable and enjoyable. So keep that in mind with the following critique which is, in the end, only minor nitpicks.

Gay for Godot is a strong author. Glad to see them get their due over here on Reviewer's Mansion.

Loved your advice about writing sex scenes. The lesson that the two people having sex aren't perfect and shouldn't execute perfectly is one that's taken me a very long time to understand. I'm still working to improve on that.