ESeven of Cups, or, How Derpy Got her Groove Back

• MLP: FiM
• Slice of Life

Derpy drowns her sorrows after getting some bad career news... but when one door closes, another opens.

• Derpy

The Cloptimist · 4.2k words  ·  50  1 · 762 views

Grumbles and falls out of bed to review

Hiya, Ponies! Time for a sleepy pony review. Today, I've got a silly little story from The Cloptimist. A meloncholic conversation with Derpy and probably a decent amount of booze. Honestly, this sounds like it should be a comedy instead, but I digress.

The story is told from the point of view of an OC, that, quite frankly, I can't remember the name of. He's pretty unimportant to the story as a whole, and really only serves as an observer of Derpy's character. Nothing really makes him special, his role could have been filled by just about anypony. That being said, the story isn't really about him. He's more of just a plot device.

Characters: Now that I've ripped into one of the story main characters, let me sooth the wounds. Our author's characterization of our favorite ditzy pegasi is as warm and colorful as anypony could ask for. Fun, energetic, and with a try and try again attitude, she's a representation of childlike hope and love. She has nothing, so she gives herself, and all of herself in everything she does. Sure, she makes mistakes, but that's just one more part of her personality. Score: 9/10

Story: Our story is a story within another story. The outside story is like the lighting of a candle, a slow warmth that we wish to share with those close to us. The inner story is of trial and continued failure in spite of our best efforts. It lends a previously mentioned melancholy to the entire piece. The OC serves as a device to convince Derpy, err, Muffins, to open up and talk about her struggles. OC has a bit of a crush on her, though we learn little else about him except that he works in the Postal Service. This sets up an early line that we all can see the end of. Not terrible, but as I said earlier, a bit of a plot device rather than a real, deep character. Score: 6.5/10

Grammar: This was the worst section for me. I'm a bit of a stickler for grammar, though I know that without an editor, it can be hard to catch all of your own mistakes. There is a large use of sentence fragments in this story, though one could argue that they're style choices. I didn't mark off for them, but decided to mention them here still. A few bits that I did mark occurred frequently: { "It... suits you?", I blurt out, } That comma after the quotation is incorrect. One more that was common: { "You're funny," she smirks. "Hey, I've seen you before, haven't I?" } When you don't use a verb of communication, like said, says, muttered, etc.. you would instead use a period, or an EM dash.
Score: 5/10

Prose: Some parts of the story got a bit bogged down, mostly from the telly internal exposition of OC's part. It wasn't the worst I've seen, but it seemed to pull me from the story. I would have enjoyed a longer story with more of OC's feelings conveyed through dialog. Maybe then, I'd have felt he deserved being considered a real character. Also, a lot of the times, less is more:

{ The bartender has been looking at me this whole time, sizing me up, and now he nods. "I'm gonna leave you two together while I serve these other customers," he says, warily. "Hey, buddy?" }
Honestly, this top bit is pretty much gold. Changing Hey, Buddy? to a stated question: "Okay, buddy?" This would infer more of a caring demeanor and remove the need for the next bit here.

{ We both look up, but he's talking to me. "Keep an eye on her, yeah? If there's any more trouble..." }

It also wouldn't hurt to very your verbs of communication a little more, aight?
Score: 7/10

X-Factor: + 1/2 a point for a story that actually managed to pull me in. +1/2 a point because I work at the Post Office too, woooo.

Total Score: 7.25/10

<For archive purposes: 7.25/10>

Thank you for the thoughtful review!

By way of background for anyone curious, this was the first thing I'd written in months, I set myself a challenge to just write and publish a story in one sitting - not exactly a speedwrite, but not far from it either, hence some of the technical construction is a bit shonky.

The OC is indeed just a random, forgettable POV character who only serves as a narrative device with a crush. I hope that crush is at least understandable; I tried to make Derpy herself engaging and sympathetic enough that the end result of their conversation was plausible!

(His name is "Sandy Breeze", I found it in a paint catalogue (a goldmine for OC names!) and thought it was quietly funny; I mean, it sounds nice at first blush, I'm sure it was meant to evoke images of the seaside or something, but on further reflection an actual sandy breeze would be irritating and unwanted!)

Thank you again for the review! I'm happy you enjoyed it, and I'm particularly glad to hear it struck a chord with someone who works in the actual postal service!