TDeath of a Queen

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Dark
• Adventure

Chrysalis had welcomed the end, but one final visitor forces her to reconsider.

• Violence
• Death
• Twilight
• Celestia
• Luna
• Chrysalis

Arkane12 · 153k words  ·  324  13 · 5.3k views

Death of a Queen

by Arkane12

Summary

She'd lost her home. She'd lost her family. She'd lost her hope. As Chrysalis nears the end, she makes one final gambit that could cost a princess her life. But as days pass and the future of Equestria grows dim, the former changeling queen finds herself wondering if this is what she really wants.

Initial Thoughts

On the one hand, this story was sold to be as a Changeling story. I love Changeling stories. I love all the different interpretations of their culture and their biology that the fandom’s come up with over the past decade, and no matter how AU most of them become, I love to see more of it still. On the other hand, Chrysalis is probably one of the most fun villains of the show. And if I’m allowed a third hand, I suppose I’d also say that I was excited for this because of the story’s unique pairing. I am excited to see HOW the author justifies the implied ship.

My General Reaction

Well. This is complicated.

So, to elaborate on the story description, a dying Chrysalis manages to mortally wound Celestia as the princess comes to offer the former queen a pardon of sorts. Or, at the very least, Celestia offers to help Chrysalis reform. Chrysalis, meanwhile, has been sitting in an abandoned hive for a time since her overthrow back in Season 6, and in this universe, it’s driven her to starvation and madness. So, it’s not really surprising that she stabs Celestia in a petty attempt at revenge.

No, the surprising thing is what happens after. While Celestia falls into a wasting coma, made worse by a magical changeling venom Chrysalis injected into her during their scuffle, Chrysalis herself is nursed back to something approaching health by Twilight and Luna’s medical teams. And from there, now in a safe place and no longer on the literal verge of starving or going mad, she’s able to think about things. Her life, her past, her future.

And while she reconsiders her life choices up until this point, Chrysalis’ interactions with Twilight Sparkle (who is attempting to cure her mentor) reveal something else going on. Something going on between the changeling and the pony that is as difficult to explain as it is to accept at times.

That’s the setup, and it’s a good setup. But this story is a classic case of a good setup, and a poor execution. It doesn’t trip on the finish line, no. In fact, I’d actually say it improves significantly before the ultimate end of the story. It’s the middle that lets the whole down.

The story fundamentally suffers from an epic case of Rubber Band Pacing. The main romance of the story, which is rightfully the main focus of the story as a whole, is incredibly rushed at the beginning. There’s not enough groundwork laid to really believe that Twilight or Chrysalis would, or even could, fall in love. Especially not in the week or so they spend around each other. Chrysalis herself even sort of points this out, how absurd it is that anyone could fall in love with her after all the evil crap she pulled before.

She’s a real piece of work in this story, and I gotta give props for Arkane not pulling punches on her tyrannical actions. As much grief as I may give the story over its romantic speedrun, there’s a fair bit of discussion in-universe over her past villainy. It’s just a shame that so much of it is eventually brushed under the rug by the love story.

A lot of the characterization is good, actually (minus said rapid love story), especially that between Thorax and Chrysalis. They have an interesting dynamic in the story that jumps around between ruler-and-subject, ruler-and-ruler, and son-and-mother. It works, mostly, because it gives an interesting viewpoint on this world’s version of changeling culture.

But the pacing comes back to bite the story in other ways. The worst is how the story seems to climax with its Nightmare Arc… only for said arc to be in the middle of the story. I feel like this could have been avoided with a more traditional three or five act structure, placing the events of that arc nearer to the main plot’s climax. Otherwise, it feels very out of place, and distracts from the original conflict.

The ending itself is still oddly paced, but the ride does smooth out somewhat. I can honestly say this is one of those stories that starts a bit rough, gets rougher as you go in, but ultimately delivers a more presentable finale. The abruptness of the finale does it no favors, but it felt heartfelt in places, and generally worked better than what led up to it.

Technicals

3/5 – Minor editing misses abound, and dialogue tags missed
I think the most consistent errors/mistakes I see in the story’s design is its dialogue. While there are a couple of scuffed or missing words and punctuation, those are largely the result of editing such a beast of a story being really hard and time-consuming. What works against the story is the abandonment of dialogue tags entirely at certain points, in favor of a more free-flowing style that gets confusing when it goes on too long, or in conversations where there’s more than two potential speakers.

Story/Plot/Pacing

3/5 – Too fast, and too slow
There’s definitely a set of arcs at play in this story, but their placement and pacing seem wildly inconsistent or poorly put together. We get to the romance too quickly, linger on a mid-story climax too long, and in general spend far, far too much time wondering why nopony appears worried that Celestia’s dying in the next room while they’re having tea and crumpets. The odd stop-and-go aspect of the plot holds it back, despite some strong emotional moments and overall effective development.

Characters

3/5 – Some spectacularly OOC characters
While most of the cast is well-represented and well-rendered, the two leads are wildly out of character in how their romance develops. Chrysalis, in particular, suffers the most from this. While the story tries to go out of its way to justify her change of heart, it’s hampered by the pacing issues mentioned above, and comes across as an abrupt about-face at the worst moments of the story. It’s an unearned redemption, ultimately.

Final Word and Rating

Death of a Queen is a, at times, frustratingly good story. It has some lows that drag it down in places, but the solid writing of the author, mixed with some genuinely intriguing character-moments and plot developments, though rushed at times, pulls it out ahead in the end.

To the author: As I understand it, this story is being actively rewritten, so most of what I can say about it… may not be necessary. In general, though, slow down on the character/romantic developments. Give the audience time to believe that Chrysalis and Twilight can even like each other before moving onto Love. Maybe reduce the length of the Nightmare arc, or move it towards the finale so we can get all the best action at the most climactic moment.

Oh! And since I went ahead and read this story’s sequel (on hiatus), I felt like what you have there could have been reworked into a better epilogue for this story. The abruptness of the original ending could be smoothed over with that particular reveal brought in (you know which one I’m talking about).

Feel free to comment below.

<For Archive Purposes: 6/10>