TGreen With Envy

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Comedy
• Slice of Life

Trouble is brewing. Either Starlight gets to the bottom of it in time, or she could lose Trixie as a friend... Or worse yet, she could lose two friends at once.

• Trixie
• Starlight Glimmer
• Phyllis

Thesmokinguy · 5.5k words  ·  98  5 · 1.9k views

Description

Working at the friendship school as student counselor has kept Starlight away from spending time with Trixie. When she finally gets the chance to pay Trixie a visit, Starlight notices that she is acting weirder than usual. In order to save their relationship, Starlight comes up with a plan to find out what is going on with Trixie.

She wasn't ready for the answer

Initial Thoughts

Trixie is sitting in a plant pot. Why is Trixie sitting in a plant pot? Is Trixie a cat? A goblin? A hooligan? Maybe she dislikes Phyllis. Maybe she’s jealous of philodendrons, as we all should. Did you know they can grow to almost twenty feet long and never stop growing? Also, they can survive a lot of things. 

This isn’t to say that the cover art has something to do with the story… but then again, Phyllis is tagged, so is Trixie, and this is a rom com. 

Spoilers ahead.

Summary

It’s been a while since Starlight’s been able to hang out with Trixie, but just as a free moment shows itself, it’s quickly snatched away. However, it allows Starlight to notice that Trixie is more than a little bit off. Wanting to make up for all her disappearances, she endeavors to ask Trixie out on a date. Of course that doesn’t go to plan. Between teleporting the object of Trixie’s jealousy (Phyllis) with her and getting called away to an emergency meeting with a student, Starlight’s forced to put aside finding out what’s really going on. But all ends as well as it could, with the two confessing their feelings for each other. Plants be damned.

Plot

According to the story’s description, this story was created as a response to an “arrival” prompt from Bean’s writing group. Unfortunately, there doesn’t appear to be a way to assess the parameters of that prompt, so I will have to go with my guy and assume it’s “arrival” in a very general sense. 

Discounting that, though, what we have is a fairly standard rom-com story about Starlight being an oblivious lesbian and Trixie being jealous of a plant. I say that without sardonic intent—there’s a clear absurdity to the situation which lends itself to the story’s comedic aspects. Filtered through the lens of the genre, I believe this story hits all the necessary marks to qualify, and should definitely be applauded for that. 

That being the case, it also means the story is a tad bit bland. It follows a predictable formula of miscommunication, characters getting called away, and final confessions occurring at the end. It’s therefore a straightforward piece that doesn’t do much to change the formula.

This isn’t to say the story is bad for it. In fact, taken as a whole, the story is rather solid. I rather enjoyed the use of the November Rain subplot, minimal as it was, as the double means for which Starlight realizes, perhaps unconsciously, what she’s supposed to do. That’s perhaps an example of framing, though the definition and application has to be stretched a bit in order to apply. 

What “major” gripes I therefore have are really down to nitpicking. The story accomplishes what it sets out to do—getting Starlight to recognize what’s happening to her relationship with Trixie, and how it can change. Perhaps one issue that concerns the plot is whether or not Trixie’s own confession felt shoved in at the end. I must assume that the prompt also had a word limit, and seeing that this story is already at a good 5,000 words, it seems reasonable to assume that there was simply not enough space left to give a bit more material before the confession for which Starlight and/or the reader could figure out what Trixie’s deal was. 

Yet, the story stands full. Certainly, it’s a bit too dime-a-dozen for me to fully give a perfect score, but it’s strong enough. 

Score – 7 / 10

Characterization

A surface-level criticism would be how the author portrayed Trixie. To say that her characterization was inconsistent would be putting it mildly. For, while the story does start off with her noticeably out-of-character, which Starlight is able to recognize, it also has moments where Trixie shows off her zeal and loveable arrogance—her showmare status, as it were.

But the story has her flip and flop between the two. The picnic scene is perhaps the most explicit of this. It shows Trixie confident and brash, before she suddenly turns hostile and passive-aggressive. 

Of course, that’s part of the story’s formulae, as it were. And the story is sure to demonstrate why this is the case, by its falling action. That’s why I believe this criticism falls more on the surface than anything.

However, such criticism draws some validity from the fact that these character incongruities, while intended, feel slightly forced. As hard as that is to quantify, I’ll try to explain. The suddenness of the “turn” for each instance speaks against the “turn’s” efficacy—there isn’t quite as much build-up as might have been effectively used. One feels some slight degree of whiplash whenever Trixie jumps from one outburst to the next. I know that this is intended, but I can’t help but feel two things might have been needed to cement those jumps, rather than plant them artificially:

1) Having Starlight push a bit more to know what’s going on and have Trixie vehemently say nothing – passive-aggression, while a true emotion, often feels narratively contrived, so having something a bit more explicit might help.

2) Rather than make the turns explicit and noticeable for their length, have them start at a longer length, with Trixie gradually struggling to keep up a neutral facade – in such a way that the “turn” would feel “justified” when it’s clear she’s reached her limit.

I reflect, however, that these two thoughts undoubtedly would require adding more than a few thousand words to the piece, and it’s already at a decent length as is. 

For the other characters, I would not say there is much issue with their characterization. Starlight sounds like Starlight, and November Rain, while of smaller importance, still sounds unique. Starlight’s interactions with Trixie also feel strong, rooted in their in-show characters while taking a few liberties here and there. Though, at times it feels as though the two aren’t actually sure that they love one another, or at least love one another in a way that’s more than “just friends.” While that certainly fuels the plot, there is perhaps just a bit of hesitance on the part of the reader to trust that characterization, since not enough clarity is provided. 

Score – 7 / 10

Grammar

The story was readable, with no large hiccups in its writing. However, there were a few formatting errors worth mentioning. 

There were issues with spacing, or parts of sentences missing spacing: 

"Is there something wrong? You don't like the flowers?"asked Starlight

Some paragraphing spacing issues:

Starlight, noticing her cheeks burning, shrugged off those thoughts. Somepony like Trixie should have been used to getting flowers, right? And her excitement was understandable —Starlight could rarely hang out with her these days. That's not the way ponies usually expressed what they felt anyway.
Then again, Trixie was not like other ponies.

The blue unicorn, too happy to oblige, immediately rushed inside using Starlight's desk as a cover. Starlight closed the doors before the flapping of Smolder’s wings could get any louder. She hoped the door was sturdy enough to endure an angry dragon’s onslaught.
With that thought, she was gone, leaving her wristband and a trapped November behind as her trace.

Ending her rant with her voice cracking, Trixie averted her gaze from Starlight, staring at the ground below her. Starlight, however, just stood there, dumbstruck, not knowing exactly what to say, trying to process everything at once.
She could have felt bad for Trixie, and apologize for not taking her into consideration enough. ...

Or too many spaces between paragraphs:

The sweet taste of Trixie's lips sent a shiver down her spine, accompanying the butterflies dancing in her stomach. Nothing that she could have ever imagined came close to it. Starlight's tongue eagerly made its way throuTrixie's mouth, as she instinctively let Trixie fall from her magic's grasp and into an embrace of her hooves.

Between her moans, she could hear Trixie's heart beating as if it was going to burst out of her chest. The magician's body felt stiff too, as she awkwardly partook into the kiss. Slacking the pace, Starlight snapped her tongue out of its frenzy and pressed Trixie against her, gently caressing her white silky mane. Soon, Trixie's body loosened and her heart slowed down. Starlight felt a pair of hooves around her neck, as Trixie slowly melted into the kiss. Both mares went into a trance, the world disappearing around them. There was nothing but the two of them. And it was perfect.

Or that's what it should have been.

 
The above also has a mis-spelling in the form of “throu”.

Finally, there were also problems with some punctuation and apostrophe use:

“Sorry for cutting it so abruptly” Starlight said, having recovered her breath “but there´s something that-”

After “abruptly,” there should be a comma. But the ´ used in “there´s” indicates a different keystroke, likely meaning a non-standard US QWERTY keyboard. It’s a small detail, but still noticeable. 

Some other misspellings are scattered throughout, and they seemed to pop up towards the story’s end rather than the beginning. For instance:

Starlight gave her a quizzlied look, unsure of what else she could mean with that.

I believe the correct spelling would be “quizzical.” 

Overall, formatting was the issue most prevalent, in regards to syntactical construction. My recommendation would be to try and standardize what to use. I’ve read a few stories where ´ is used over ‘, and while that may not be my personal standard, I believe the consistency would aid more than harm.

Score – 7 / 10

Final Score - ( 7 + 7 + 7 ) / 3 = 7 / 10

Final Thoughts

“Green With Envy” is a cute, comedic, fluffy piece that manages to accomplish the structure and tone of what other stories of its kind have come before. It therefore stands to reason that the author is familiar with this “genre-mode” and knows how to employ the proper tropes and techniques necessary to make it not only recognizable, but a justified member of that category.

However, perhaps it plays a bit too “safe” with such categorization. Though I enjoyed it, I cannot discount that the writing ended up not surprising me, and the plot, while simple and easy to enjoy, is a bit too “common” to be exemplary. Characterization largely worked, if feeling a bit under-handed at points, and issues of punctuation throughout the story show a necessity for a careful eye. 

But if I may end on one positive note, the story is “all there.” It is full and complete, for the most part, and for the author’s presumably first forray into fanfic writing, I think some credit and praise are well-deserved. 

<For archive purposes: 7/10>

I can't put into words how thankful i am for this review. Seriously. You hit the nail on the head with absolutely everything, especially the bits about trixie characterization and the plot.

There was something bothering me about the former, but i couldnt quite put my finger on what. So i just shrugged and went all "homeless hors mood swings i guess". While it was intentional, my desire of keeping the story relatively short affected the execution. But you put it into words why it didn't feel okay. Note taken for the next time.

Regarding the latter, i did had to chose between certain plot points i had in mind and going with a basic standard plot, so i had to make a bit of a sacrifice there. Glad it didn't completely ruin the story for you though!

This was worth the wait. Thank you.

(Unrelated but im greatly amused by the fact that i got three seven scores in a row. Not only because is a more than decent score, but because is the lucky number. Guess I will have to buy a lottery ticket while im still in time~)