Hello, Sunlight Rays here, and I am here with a review of a story! Titled Limerence and written by Bicyclette, it is a story that has made me feel many things. So sit back, get yourselves comfy, and enjoy the show.

TLimerence

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Drama

Helping an aspiring fashion designer with her crush, the Princess of the Night is reminded of a love she had left behind.

• Sex
• Death
• Luna
• Coco Pommel

Bicyclette · 13k words  ·  64  10 · 775 views

[Warning: Includes Spoilers!]

Summary

Helping an aspiring fashion designer with her crush, the Princess of the Night is reminded of a love she had left behind.

Plot

The story follows Luna as she ventures to help Coco Pommel in pursuing her crush on Rarity, and her agonies over a lover from long past.

Overall, the plot solidly follows the typical archetype of a plot roller coaster: introduction, rising action, climax, falling action, and the resolution. In the case of this story, that acted as a factor of strength. By building up the story slowly, the reader is drawn into the interaction between Luna and Coco. The small bits hinting at Luna’s past before the full reveal aids the story in this regard. While the overall plot and the message delivered by Rose in Luna’s dreams were expected, the solid plot structure and the ending that leaves a strong aftertaste more than made up for those small flaws.

Plot: 9/10

Characterization

Limerence focuses on the character arc of Luna, with Coco Pommel acting as a catalyst to push the story forward. As the story follows Luna’s point of view, we see Luna being the main protagonist.

That being said, Luna in this story was written very convincingly. The fact that she has been absent from the world for a thousand years is visible in the small phrases she speaks. For example, Luna’s line:

“I must admit, I do not have the best eye for these things. My sense of fashion is, well, about a millennium out of date.”

as well as Luna referring to the librarian as “The Keeper of the Archive” is a good callback to Luna’s character.

The conversation between Luna and Coco is done expertly as well. In Coco’s dreams, Luna takes the role of guiding Coco to face her fears without having to worry about the consequences of failing. A side of Luna that was shown in episodes from the show, her wisdom and expertise in providing guidance to her subjects is well-represented.

Her interaction with Rose adds even more to how realistically her character is written. Rose in Luna’s dreams is a creation of her mind, based on the impressions left by her lover a thousand years ago. The hesitance to love another soul, revealed to be a result of her guilt of having been the direct cause of her lover a thousand years ago, adds more depth to her character as it shows how deeply her fall to Nightmare Moon has affected Luna.

For Coco Pommel, the characterization was done expertly as well. Coco at the beginning of the story was portrayed as a shy, timid mare we are familiar with, and her gradually coming out of her shell was explained in a convincing manner. The author also made good use of her identity as a fashion designer, using not only her appearance but also her profession as a means to tie Coco to Luna’s past. One flaw in the characterization is the process of Coco’s feelings towards Rarity changing into feelings towards Luna isn’t clearly expressed. Coco does say that she has realized that she had feelings for Luna for a while, but the process where the realization comes to her isn’t described. I believe putting in a brief explanation on the matter would help solve this issue.

Of course, considering Coco plays the role of a character that causes Luna to reflect upon her past lover and thus starting the rising action of the story proper, this is not a big issue. In fact, applying the suggested solution may result in the story losing focus, and therefore it is up to the author to decide.

Characterization: 9.5/10

Writing

The sentences used in the story play a critical role in giving this story the quality it has. The author knows how to utilize show-don’t-tell in this story, and knows how to apply that to create the tone and mood she wishes to portray.

One such example in the story would be the following line:

With such strength that the dream around her, the dream of that dream, the dream of that dreamer, all began to dissolve back into the roiling depths of her subconscious from whence it came.

By writing the line above instead of something like, “Luna’s dream came to an end as her eyes flew open,” the author powerfully and dynamically expresses the nature of the dreams Luna has, and dramatizes the way she wakes up.

Another fact to note is the depth of the details the author includes in the story. By including detailed yet temperate descriptions, the author maximizes the effect of her show-don’t-tell technique.

The following paragraph would be such an example:

A heavy fabric of rich, dark blue, almost black, studded with diamonds, instantly making her think of her beloved stars scattered across her night sky. Because they were those stars, arranged in their familiar constellations that she saw every night, the luster and size of each gemstone corresponding with their counterparts in the sky. And peering closer, she could even see the minor stars between the bright, named ones, represented by the tiniest of gemstones or, for the smallest, diamond-impregnated thread, stitched and spliced into the fabric. The kind of stars you could not even see in the night sky above old Canterlot, for even the faint light of their torches were enough to drown them out.

Evident in the paragraph above, the author is able to incorporate an adequate amount of details in her writing style, making her descriptions look detailed yet not verbose.

What makes the writing even better is that the author knows when she should use “show” and when she is allowed to use “tell”. By alternating between “show” and “tell”, with the latter being used in sections where detailed descriptions are unnecessary, the author makes her story not only descriptive but also concise, an ability not seen in many writers.

Overall, the writing techniques the writer displayed in the story demonstrates the fact that she has a firm understanding of the basics of writing.

Writing: 10/10

Grammar

The grammar is mostly clean throughout the story. However, there are a few cases of redundant transitions, awkward sentence structures, sentences where readability could be improved, and so on. The below is a list of such examples.

The Element of Generosity glowed. Not in a literal glow, but in the way her words floated up and down the tonal range as that theatrical timbre infused her voice with an effusive energy.

By removing the ‘in’, “the way her words (...) timbre” becomes the subject of the sentence, clarifying exactly what is infusing her voice with effusive energy. Also, since ‘energy’ is a non-countable noun, the ‘an’ should be removed.

She closed her mouth and opened it again, as if the action would reset something in her, but there. Still, there was no apparent change in that frozen expression of uncertainty.

Separating the sentence above into two sentences makes it easier for the readers to understand.

Despite her lack of unicorn magic, with a wave of her hoof, Coco conjured forth an array of dresses from around the shop to display themselves in front of Luna with a wave of her hoof.

By moving the phrase ‘with a wave of her hoof’, there is less need for a comma, and thus the readability is improved.

With a comforting smile, Luna patted her gently on the withers with a wing, until Coco was able to could peek back at her from between her hooves.

Replace ‘was able to’ to ‘could’ for conciseness.

Hardly anything to note on most days, when her dreams are tranquil and featureless landscapes with nary an other another soul.

Turns out ‘an other’ is not a thing that can exist as two words.

Coco giggled, bashfully averting her gaze, and Luna noted how the confident Coco of earlier had seemingly reverted a bit just now.

For the sentence to make sense, the sentence above needs to be split into two or have an ‘and’ come between the comma and ‘Luna’.

Sometimes she wondered if her waking life was a dream as well, and that some day someday she would finally stir from it.

‘Someday’ and ‘some day’ are used in different contexts. ‘Someday’ means ‘at an indefinite time in the future.’ ‘Some day’ refers to one day that is perhaps unknown or unspecified.

“‘Seventy-eight A.C. to question marks’? These numbers are meant to be their lifespans, are they not? What kind of a number is three question marks?”

Rose Bardot
78 AC - ???

A conspicuous caption described them as the Celestian Convent, 93 AC.

Inconsistent usage of periods when marking the eras. Of course, it does not hinder the readers’ understanding of the context, but it is best to keep things consistent when it comes to grammar.

Yes, three sentences was were far less than she had expected, and this had surprised and dismayed her.

Incorrect usage of the past tense be-verb. Of course, it does not hinder the readers’ understanding of the context.

Most of these grammatical fixes I suggested are nitpicks. Overall the story has excellent usage of grammar, aiding in the readers’ understanding of the plot.

Grammar: 8/10

Total Score: 9.35/10

Final Thoughts

I think I read Limerence at least five times while writing this review. Reading it over and over, however, did not make writing this review any easier. It is not because the plot was overly sophisticated or because I didn’t know how to comment on the writing style of the author. No, reviewing this story was difficult because of the emotions it stirred within me.

The story does such an excellent job of capturing Luna’s agony over what she has done a thousand years ago that it is impossible for me to read it without feeling a pang in my heart. The slow reveal of the truth behind Rose’s death and the decision Luna makes after learning the true meaning of Rose’s last words only serves to add more to that heavy feeling in my mind.

Overall, Limerence is a story I would like to go back to sometime later, and definitely a story I would recommend to others. I commend the author for having written such an emotional, moving story. Good work.

<For archive purposes: 9.35/10>

7528359
Great first review, Sunlight!

7528472
Thanks, Jarvy! I wasn't sure if I had done a good enough job for my first review, so thanks for the comment!