TNightmare Moon is Coming to Town!

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Random

A certain mare of darkness invades a small town in New Jersey. Chaos and a general feeling of "What on Earth is going on?" ensues.

• Alt. Universe
• Human
• Nightmare Moon

Jade Dawn · 12k words  ·  33  8 · 1.6k views

Warning!!!!!!! Spoilers ahead. Please read the story before reading the review.

This story is about Nightmare Moon coming  to Earth. The tags on this are SOL, Comedy, and while it did make me chuckle once or twice, the story itself feels very middle of the road. Very “meh” It’s not terribly written, but it’s also not a Masterpiece of writing. However, I will note this was the author’s first story on the site, and so I’m expecting they have gotten a lot better overtime. This story was certainly not the easiest to read, not that it was filled with grammar errors, more that it felt sluggishly slow to read through. I had to read through the first chapter twice to really get a feel for what I wanted to say about it, and I’m keeping my opinion that it’s “meh” 

Let’s dive in.
6/10

The “plot” is Nightmare moon invading Earth. The overall story is very “meh” I didn’t really feel attached to any of the characters, nor the struggle of the Earth to overcome this sudden threat. Nightmare Moon is easily defeated though, and spends way too much time monologuing. I really wished there was more development on the characters for it would make the plot more engaging, but for what it is, it does accomplish its goal. 

5/10

None of these characters are very well characterized but I’m gonna try to give you a feel for each one, and why they don’t work.
Anthony: He’s the “Main protagonist” and is the one telling us the story of how everything happened. He’s your stereotypical teenager, but he’s also different from the other kids, so of course that makes him more interesting to follow, but we never see why he’s different.  We are told that he loves the outdoors and enjoys the fresh air of nature, but beyond a few lines like that, there’s really nothing to his character. He feels like the stereotypical human that most HIE authors use so they can imagine themselves in the role.

Matt: Matt is the stereotypical “best friend” of the main character, because the MC must have that one friend that will do anything for  them, even if they know their friend is crazy. Especially with the plan Anthony comes up with to defeat Nightmare moon.

Nightmare Moon: For a former ruler of Equestria she’s been reduced down to “villain of the week” and I mean in similar vibes to shows that are “Monster of the week” style. “Oh no Nightmare Moon is invading earth” The humans go to stop her, and she’s so busy monologuing her plan, that she doesn’t realize the boys coming up and smacking her with the baseball bat, somehow knocking her out. Also the shift from anger to Nightmare Moon begging for help is way too fast, way too swiftly and feels OOC for her. Nightmare Moon would demand help, which she does after sobbing for a bit, and feeling down on herself that she has to ask for help. I just felt it wasn’t in character for her.

3/10

This was the one part where I didn’t really feel like there was a lot of issues. The main thing I will put out is the ( ) aren't’ always necessary but I’m not going to be nitpicky about it. I didn’t really see a lot of issues within the writing of the story other  than breaking the “Show don’t tell” rule.

8/10

I don’t recall if I’ve seen a lot of Pony on Earth, but in my personal opinion it’s more interesting than the opposite. I’ve never been a fan of HIE, so it’s nice to see the other side of the equation. However, the story itself is really anything new. It has classic “Monster of the week” vibes, and just overall feels flat. I was really expecting this to make me laugh way more than it did, but other than a few lines that made me chuckle, it was difficult to keep my interest engaged throughout.

So, how’s the execution?
Choppy. There’s a lot of “Tell versus show” that doesn’t really pull the reader in, and the tone shifts of Nightmare Moon feel like they happen way too fast/too quickly that she feels like a child rather than a threat. The story itself isn’t really anything special nor grand, but it does accomplish what it set out to do: Nightmare Moon invades earth. Stereotypical plot with stereotypical characters. I just wished there was more build up and development, because this story does have potential. I even enjoyed the idea of Nightmare Moon being integrated in the bonus chapter, but sadly that feels flat too. There’s just not enough build up for it to pay off in the end, and the story itself is 15k. If we spent less time talking about things that aren’t relevant, we could have spent more time on the characters that actually mattered.

4/10

Anyways, overall there’s a lot of tell versus show here. The story itself is  just sadly bland and generic. The tone shifts of Luna make her feel OOC for a good bit of the story, and both of the humans don’t really have enough personality to grab my attention either. 

Final score: 6+5+8+3+4=26/50
5.2/10

Headpat worthy:

Boop worthy:

Needs work: Yes.

To the author: I’m glad you decided to give me a chance to look at this, and I’m eager to see how you have grown. Keep up the good work.

To the reader: Vaguely recommended if you’re okay with a middle of the road story.

THIS PART CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS, DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE STORY!

Notes:
Chapter 1: It opens up with telling us where we are, and I feel there would be more impact to show us the environment we are in, rather than saying It was a very nice day in Perkinsville, New Jersey. 
While, this technically works it feels telly, and I could understand the stylistic choice if the story itself is more like a Fairytale or a Christmas special that needs a narrator to tell you what’s going on, but I still feel there could be more effective ways to demonstrate the feeling of where we are via showing.

Characterization: The narrator tells us that Anthony loves the outdoors, but why? I mean sure the rest of the paragraph says he was enjoying the fresh air, but I don’t think  that’s enough. Instead of telling us about what the other kids are doing inside with their laptop’s and ps4’s this could have been a great time to emphasize why Anthony loves the outdoors. Again, it’s better to show these things rather than tell the reader, because while telling has its, it just feels lazy and void of genuine emotions. A way to fix this would be to show Anthony as he walks through the park or some sort of environment and use the five senses to your advantage.

Writing/Grammar: There was no mistaking it now; a living being was slowly standing up in the crater. The first thing the boys noticed was its size; it could easily tower over even the tallest human being. It had a startlingly horse like build, although the body was thinner and smaller, and the head was more rounded in shape. The body was a jet black color, with a long mane and tail that was a mixture of pale blue and purple in color and shimmered with a glow of its own, and more resembled a cloud or a nebula than an actual mane. The eyes were almost unbelievably wide, taking up a fair portion of each side of the head, and having turquoise irises. A long horn sprouted up from between the eyes on the top of the head, and a pair of huge, feathered wings slowly unfurled from the sides of the body. On the flank was an odd splotch of dark purple, with a gray, almost white, moon shaped symbol over the purple section (Kind of an odd place for a tatoo, Anthony thought to himself). The head, chest, and hooves of the creature were covered in armor made out of that silvery blue metal that Matthew had pointed out earlier.
Feels like there should be a paragraph break after the first sentence, to be honest.

That opening sentence seems to operate as a "scene setter", and the rest of the paragraph explores that observation in full.

Some cut back on the description to avoid redundant details might also be suggested.
The sentence, "The body was a jet black color... than an actual mane." starts to lose its coherency once it starts describing two features at once, especially since it seems like the narrator's eyes can't focus on either mane or tail.

"A long horn sprouted... on the top of the head" probably doesn't need that second half.

Now, the boys were already pretty scared up to this point. Which is understandable. Who wouldn't be terrified at the sight of an alien being crash landing a few feet away from you?

Again, this little bit of description could have been emphasized by showing the fear of the boys to this strange creature rather than just saying it.

The boys clung to one another behind the bench, cowering. Anthony dared to look up over the top of the bench, attempting to get a closer look at the strange creature. He felt every inch of his body shivering, taking a deep gulp he dared to ask. “Do you think we should talk to it?”

Characterization: "Imagine that. The Mare in the Moon being reduced to begging for directions like some kind of peasant tourist. What a way to come back after 1,000 years."

The tone shift from Nightmare moon’s glee at being free to this sudden shift feels very OOC for Nightmare Moon, plus it happens way too fast. You don’t give Nightmare Moon a  chance to figure things out. She’s suddenly willing to accept that she can’t win without help from a commoner. This doesn’t feel very fitting for the Princess of the night, who almost defeated her sister.

The story continues with Nightmare Moon invading this little town in New Jersey, North America. It does make me wonder why we are in New Jersey specifically, but that’s more a curiosity than a nitpick on the location itself.

The rest of the chapter goes on from Nightmare Moon being threatening, to somehow the two young boys from before gang up on her and put her out with a baseball bat

NIGHTMARE MOON DEFEATED WITH A BASEBALL BAT

…

I know this is a comedy, and we are supposed to expect some oddities for the sake of comedy, but this doesn’t really work. It’s not very believable, and I feel like Nightmare Moon wouldn’t be this naive to two young boys trying to make a move on her. There’s quite a lot you can do within a city with the environment so why settle for something this basic? Is it just for the joke?

Bonus chapter: This chapter focuses on Nightmare Moon’s imprisonment by the Government. It’s never stated how  long she’s been here, only that she’s not talking. An FBI agent comes to talk to her, and suddenly she’s talking to him like she wasn’t mute before. This shift of tone is similar to earlier in how Nightmare moon went too fast from anger to begging for help. If you say she hasn’t been talking and then have her suddenly long winding herself to this agent, it makes the feeling of her being mute/silent before pointless. 

Granted, the actual conservation itself does breathe a bit of life into this story, but sadly the conservation itself goes exactly how I thought it would. I was never really surprised that Nightmare Moon was just “acting” to be imprisoned, and that the government never had any power over her at all. My question is why did she wait so long? Why did she wait for a messenger to be sent to make her move? She wasn’t really depressed by being defeated and locked up. She was planning her move. And yet because I’m not sure of how much time has gone by, it’s hard for  me to really feel like this was the proper time for her to execute her plan. 

The FBI agent is similar to Anthony and Matt in that he feels very flat. Very stereotypical “FBI” vibes, and there’s really nothing special about him. He’s only here for the story and that to me is disappointing, because a character like this could have been rather  interesting.

<For archive purposes: 5.2/10>

7506800
Slight correction: this is actually my second story I’ve written here (although in fairness it is the first one I've marked as Complete, so you're kind of right on a technical level).

And yeah, it shows. I’m not really gonna dispute you or try to justify it or anything. It was an early work with a lot of flaws. It’s amazing how a few years of reading, writing, and listening and watching other writers shapes one’s outlook and style and all that.

Anyway, thanks for the review. :)