Good morning, all! Cyo again, reporting in with another review!

You know, I’m really not too sure why some of these stories end up on the waiting list for so long. I guess they just sorta fade into the background after a while? Or maybe everyone’s too busy trying to clear up their own request folders, or something.

Anyway, I’m getting off topic. The story I’m gonna be looking at today is:

EUnscheduled Cargo

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Slice of Life

An unexpected ship full of refugees creates a busy day for a zebra customs agent.

• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Zebra

applezombi · 3.9k words  ·  64  3 · 1k views

Ah, one of apple’s stories! In case anyone isn’t aware, I’m currently the editor for his main story, Rekindled Embers (to which this fic is a side story), a dystopian AU fic set in the future when the Mane Six are long dead. I won’t spoil much about that story in this review, though, and knowledge of the main story isn’t required to read Unscheduled Cargo either.

With that said, let’s get on with the review!

Oh, and, spoiler warning, if you want to read the story first, you should go ahead and do that before reading this review.

In the Zebrican port city of Jubilation, the Customs and Immigrations Department is abuzz with activity. An unscheduled ship has arrived, bearing refugees from the Diarchy of Equestria. The Department scrambles to process paperwork, and welcome ponies into Jubilation.

And, of course, in the middle of that, a stallion asks a mare on a date.

This is a Rekindled Embers side story.

Deep characters, natural interactions

The strongest point of this whole story is its characters. From the first word to the last, there’s an energy to all the characters that’s really captivating.

Part of it is in the sense of community that apple is able to convey in the Immigrations Department. From the first moment when our protagonist, River, steps in the door, there’s already a sense that there’s a lot of camaraderie between the ponies here.

Opening the door to the Jubilation Customs and Immigration Building (annex B) was normally not an issue. But today was River’s turn to bring the coffee, and as she lacked a unicorn’s magic or a griffon’s tail, or even a pegasi’s dextrous wings, she had to clumsily maneuver the swinging glass door open awkwardly while trying not to spill the half dozen hot cups in the tray clutched in her teeth.

“Woah. Somezebra wanna help River out?” she heard as soon as she got the door open a crack. There was a stampede of hooves, and an earth pony with a greying golden mane got there first, swinging the door wide with a hoof.

“Dearest River. You brighten the entire morning with your offerings of sweet coffee and your even sweeter presence.” The others in the office were giggling as he spoke, and she was rolling her eyes even before he finished speaking.

The interactions between River and the other members of the Immigrations Department are all practically glowing with the same brand of positive energy. I’d hesitate to call this story “fluff”, but it does take advantage of some very similar methods to maintain engagement — namely, a heap load of positivity and fun character interactions.

Of course, it’s not just this fluffiness that this story banks on. Beyond the interactions, apple’s managed to convey a sense of depth and history to these characters beyond what’s covered in this story. It makes the characters feel like they’re actually part of this world, rather than having been just placed there for this story.

River is beloved by the members of the Immigrations Department, and has something of a “grandma” status — both from actually being a grandmother and her caring, motherly ways. She has a daughter-in-law who serves in the navy, whom she always worries about. We know less about her potential stallionfriend (that sure is a mouthful), Steel Drill, but we do know that he escaped from Equestria a long time ago, and, similarly to River herself, is a widower.

The great thing is that little of this is presented as exposition. The history and backstory of the characters are mostly seamlessly woven into the story, which makes it both more engaging and more believable.

Insubstantial plot

The plot basically consists of Steel Drill flirting with River in the beginning and telling her he’s serious about pursuing a relationship. Then the refugee ship arrives, and River processes paperwork and speaks with a few of the refugees. There’s a short scene with Steel consoling a young colt who escaped to Jubilation with his mother, before River agrees to go out with Steel at the end.

If I had any gripe with this fic, it would be this. The story follows a winding, undirected plot that doesn’t do much, other than allow the characters to showcase themselves.

One might argue that’s exactly the point of a Slice of Life story, and I wouldn’t necessarily disagree. The general conception of a Slice of Life story is, well, a slice of life. Things happen, and they don’t always have meaning or structure.

In the case of this story, though, it feels like there should be something there. The arrival of the refugees is definitely an out-of-the-ordinary event for the characters in the story, but it feels like it’s lost quite a bit of the drama it might otherwise have because it’s been presented in a low-stakes environment.

In fact, the plot isn’t quite the problem here. The heart of it is actually...

Focus?

The issue here is really that the focus of this story isn’t super sharp. I wouldn’t say it’s extremely unfocused, but it definitely feels like it wanders a little. The interaction between River and the Department and Steel is great, but it feels like there’s a bunch of downtime with the introduction of the refugees that’s only sorta related to that.

Conversely, the refugees coming to Jubilation are important to the story — it’s the main plot event of the whole thing, after all — but it feels like it’s just the backdrop where the story of River and Steel Drill take place.

But of course, the natural question is — is this even a problem at all?

My opinion is that the lack of focus on one topic — either the relationship between Steel and River, or the refugees arriving — does bring down the story just a little. Because this is such a short story (3.8k words), trying to cram multiple focal points into it generally leaves not much room for development on any.

On the other hand, this being in the Slice of Life genre does give it a little more leeway to do these sorts of things. If you’re fine with stories that sorta meander around, it’s likely you won’t have much problem with this.

My final verdict, though, is that this story is too short for something like this to be a huge problem. 

Generally great writing

On a lighter note, and also to beef up the word count on this review a little, let’s talk writing!

The writing here (as in the technical aspects of the craft) is, generally, great! apple’s definitely an experienced writer, and it shows here, with little to no grammar errors, or awkward sentences. There are a few weird instances with dialogue punctuation, but honestly dialogue punctuation sucks and doesn’t make sense so I don’t really care all that much.

It doesn’t affect the reading experience, is what I’m saying.

Scores

Plot: 9/10
Not many problems that I can really take issue with, though I suspect part of it comes down to the length and scope of the story.

Character: 10/10
What can I say? This is the strongest part of the story by far. And it’s pretty dang good.

Writing: 10/10
Few syntax or grammar errors, and no awkward parts of note. Not much to say here, really.

Final Score: 9.5/10
Your classic Slice of Life story with strong, charming characters, a unique setting, and a romance. What’s not to like?

This is a delightful story that anyone is likely to enjoy, just for the strength of its characters alone. I might have brought up some issues, but honestly I didn’t really see them until I read for like the third time, or something. Overall, I really liked this one. It’s not really incredibly amazing or anything, but it’s not trying to be. It’s just a nice, fluffy, heartwarming fic with a side of theocratic dictatorship and oppression thrown in. And that’s alright in my book.
<For archive purposes: 9.5/10>