TDeath of a Queen

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Dark
• Adventure

Chrysalis had welcomed the end, but one final visitor forces her to reconsider.

• Violence
• Death
• Twilight
• Celestia
• Luna
• Chrysalis

Arkane12 · 153k words  ·  324  12 · 5.3k views

By Arkane12

Summary:
Chrysalis has lost everything: her home, her family, her hope, and is now nearing her end. She risks one final gambit, that could cost a princess her life. Yet, as the days and nights pass she wonders, if this is really what she wants, or if there is still something more out there for her.

Note: As of writing this review, the story is still incomplete, so anything spoken of here will deal with happenings up to chapter 47. Also a warning- spoilers ahead! I will try to block out most spoilers in said tag, but I might miss some.

My first thoughts:
Arkane has a real talent for detail, this story is very eloquent, an almost poetic feel to it at times even. I can really feel like I am there as they describe the world around our characters; the smells, sounds, sights, etc are crisp and enjoyable to read. In the 120k+ words written so far, we have been through a LOT and have hit all the tags quite well, though some of them I will talk more on in detail below, overall it has been enjoyable to read!

Did I like it?: Yes! It has been quite an intriguing read, and though like past reviewers of the story have pointed out, it does have some flaws, especially in the romance and characterization of a few canon characters at times, I feel Arkane has dealt with this past criticism well as the story has gone and if not fully repaired it, taken into account some of the said flaws and worked to make them less so. For me especially though, the detail in each scene and using the five senses so clearly makes it better. I tend to love detail-oriented stories -long as the detail doesn't deter the story, which is not the case here, so stuff like this is right up there for me.

What Did I Not like:
Note, a lot of this will probably be spoilers. You have been warned.
I'll go into more detail below, but to summarize my thoughts, for now, here we go.
Two things: How quickly the romance appeared and much of Twilight's characterization toward Princess Celestia. Twilight and Chrysalis's romance kind of appeared out of nowhere. Even though the scene was spoiledformebysomepony... I still only caught a faint, perhaps subtle hint of it happening. As for the other, I don't feel Twilight was concerned as much as she would be over Celestia being on death's door. Celestia is like a mother to her, and yet instead of staying near her after she almost dies, she heads off on a rescue mission. Besides those two things though, I don't think there is anything else I didn't like.

Heart/Setting:
As stated before, Arkane's story is exquisitely detailed. All the senses are used well as we go through each scene and often I feel like I am right there with the characters as they explore the old changeling tunnels, Canterlot Castle, Ponyville, and other scenic places. With this, I feel like I am reading one of my favorite old medieval fantasy novels, as Arkane's story unrolls beautiful and sometimes frightening, scene after scene. There was a great deal of thought put into each scene's descriptions, from the point of view of different characters even at times, namely, Twilight, Luna, and Chrysalis for the most part. Here lies the heart part of this section. Not only does Arkane describe the scene so well I can clearly see it, but I can feel the sand beneath Celestia's hooves, the panic as Twilight finds Celestia wounded, the sounds of Chrysalis's worst nightmares come to life, to name a few. Everyone is dealing with a lot of grim thoughts and feelings, brought on by Celestia being at death's door after a fight with Chrysalis leaves her poisoned. I for sure shed some tears for the characters here, especially in the nightmare's arc.

Characterization:
As stated above, this is one spot that could use some work at times. For the most part, the canon characters are similar to their canon selves and the OC's brought into the story are brilliant. Here as well, Arkane knows well how to 'show not tell' with how each character is introduced and presents themselves. Doctor Heart has that exact kind of attitude I would want in a Doctor, able to still have fun with his patients even through all the Tartarus he has probably seen in his career. His interactions with Chrysalis near the beginning are quite humorous and had me laughing more than once.
We don't see much of Celestiawith her being asleep/unconscious most of the story but of what we have seen of her, I think she is the truest to her canon self. Not being one to give up on any creature, even though she knew it could be dangerous, she went off to find Chrysalis and once again try to bring her to reformation, or at least not to be left alone. With all Chrysalis had done, Celestia still cares for her wellbeing. When she finds the changeling wounded, her want to bring her back is even stronger, to help the former queen mend and heal.
Luna is awesome here if darker and more mysterious than her canon self, but in the structure, Arkane puts the story in, this works for her and makes her that much more entertaining later on. You can really feel the love she has for her sister, and when Celestia literally has to be brought back when her heart stops for a moment her reactions make sense to me. Sure, she blows things out of proportion (Twilight and Chrysalis were working on a potion to cure the poison, and though it succeeded in tests, it didn't work when they brought it to Celestia. She literally gets so upset she goes all Nightmare Moon on them. but this just shows how much she cares for her sister.
Chrysalis is done quite well here. She is her usual snarky, bitter over what Thorax took from her self. Though, through her interactions with Thorax, we see much more behind it than that. She still cares for her son, and as their past unfolds, we see so much more of her inner self, which I love! Her relationship with Thorax is probably one of the most interesting side plots to me. Arkane rolled it out bit by bit and never left me bored. As for her relationship with Twilight, I am not 100% sure if she isn't still faking (though more recent chapters might spell out otherwise. I do think she does have at least some concern for the youngest princess if nothing else. I look forward to seeing how much further this goes and if I can be better convinced.
Lastly for this section, Twilight. Overall she is still her adorkable, nerdy self who cares for her friends and family dearly. With that, she is fine and plays her part well in this story. My concerns are more in line with her relationship with Celestia. It is clear from the beginning she loves and cares for Princess Celestia dearly and like a mother figure. She even goes so far as to beg Chrysalis to save Celestia as she lies dying in a bed next to the former queen. Yet, once she figures out she loves Chrysalis she goes against what I feel her canonical self would do, She isn't super panicky, sitting next to Celestia's bedside as much as she can hoping that she will survive but instead goes off on an adventure to rescue/return Chrysalis to Canterlot. With how much she cares for Celestia and the fact Celestia literally just almost died, I would think she would send somepony else to gather Chrysalis.

Story/concept:
I always love a good Chryslight ship, and this one is no different in that. I do still enjoy it even with its flaws. I contribute that at least in part to Arkane's passionate wordplay, scene setup, and character interactions. Other than the above, they feel fresh and I enjoy their interactions. As for the story. much as I am enjoying it, I do feel the plot at times doesn't know what it wants to be. A romance, an adventure, or otherwise, it does at times bounce around. Not so much that I couldn't keep up decently, but like for the beginning of the nightmare arc, it goes from 0 to 80 a little too quickly. I understand Luna's grieving on the failed potion not helping her sister, but going full Nightmare Moon over it did seem a bit much (Though I do have to admit, the nightmare arc was still one of my favorite arcs with its intensity and passion in the writing.)

Spelling/Grammar:
No major issues here. Arkane has it down very well and there isn't much else to say besides that. Good job, Arkane! That is rare for me to say, as I can be quitethegrammarnazi *cough*

Romance:
From what I have read in the comments (as I do make it a habit to read them when doing a review to see what other readers are thinking) this is where both I and the other readers have the most issues. How quickly the bud bloomed between Chrysalis and Twilight. At this point in the story, it would take a lot of revision most likely to fix this and make it more believable, but it might be worth it in the end.
I've had some of the same issues in the past (hence why my own main story on here is a slow burner for the romance. Was a personal challenge to fix my 'need' to have the romance happen quickly.) So I know how difficult it can be to want to get the romance started right away so XYZ can happen that much faster. I don't know entirely how much you have written before this since this is your only story I can see on fimfic, but I would say if you feel like at this point you can still fix it and that it won't make you need to entirely rewrite 30+ or more I forget the exact number, chapters that happen after we first really see that *snaps* quick of a romance begin, then you should try to do so. If not, then all one can do is pass it off as a learning error? Though personally, I think you could figure out how to make it work that little bit better to soothe commenters ire at it. Which, from more recent chapters, I think you are getting a hold of such. Earlier chapter fixes would be nice as well, but if it is getting better as we go, that is the main thing. Noponies story on here is perfect, so I think as long as we continue to get better and grow from our previous writings, that is what really matters.

Final Thoughts:
Now, to the prospective readers who read this review, don't get me wrong on this. I love this story so far! Its flaws, while on the larger side, do not detract from my enjoyment of the story. Arkane knows how to spin scenes very well, to make you almost feel like you are there with the characters. The scenes might not always connect as well as I like, and yes the romance came much quicker than one would assume, but I am still eager to see where else this story goes and how it ends, Will we save our dear Celestia from death? Will the romance bloom into true blue love and heal the hurts of the past? Will ponies learn to accept our former changeling queen and all her snark, by Twilight's side? Who knows? All I know, dear reader, is this story is worth checking out. So give it a chance, and see what you think.

Heart: 9/10
Characterization: 6.5/10
Story/concept: 6/10
Spelling/Grammar: 10/10
Romance: 4/10
Overall: 7.1/10

"<For archive purposes: 7.3/10>"

Thanks for all this.

So, while this is my first story on this site, I do have some writing experience outside of that. Unfortunately, nowhere in my repertoire do I have any experience with romance. Honestly, this whole thing started some time ago as my first foray into romance writing, before I tried my hand at concocting a whole romance story.

Then . . . people actually liked it.
Which . . . was not something I had accounted for.

In all honestly, I attribute many of this story's flaws to my inexperience, but there is also a rushed feeling in the first few chapters because I did not intend the story to bloom into a whole novel-length story. I expected to end somewhere in the twenties. And now, sitting here at Chapter 47, I realize that I did rush through a lot of the earlier story. It's something I'll keep in mind as I continue writing, both on this site, and in general.

In fact, that's true for all of your feedback. I do enjoy hearing that readers enjoy the way each scene is set. My personal writing style has always been a bit of escapism. In that sense, I enjoy creating a scene where the reader feels they can be there, where each of their senses is able to interact with the scene.

Overall, I really appreciate you taking the time to read through my story and give it a thorough review. I can't say for sure if most reviewers would be willing to make it through to the end of it, but you did, and I just wanted to thank you for that. With that said, this story is drawing to a close soon, and I would be thrilled if you planned to stick around until the end.

Thank you for your review.