TLove Will Travel As Long As You Let It

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Drama

When Gilda received a letter from Rainbow Dash saying she had messed up badly, Gilda knew something was wrong. However, she didn't know how bad things were. Will Gilda be able to help her friend fix her relationship, or will they crash and burn?

• Sex
• Rainbow Dash
• Gilda

Soaring · 14k words  ·  42  4 · 792 views

Description

After Gilda's last encounter with Rainbow Dash and her friends, the griffon hadn't heard anything from her pony friend for a long time. It made Gilda think that Rainbow Dash forgot about her. Fortunately for Gilda, Rainbow Dash was hard-headed. Unfortunately for Gilda, Rainbow Dash was also high-strung and so stressed out of her mind that her train of thought was completely out of whack. With a few letters detailing Rainbow Dash's situation among other things, will Gilda be able to help salvage her friend's relationship? Or will Rainbow Dash leave Gilda's place as a husk of who she once was?

Gilda couldn't imagine Rainbow Dash failing. She'd do anything in her power to fix this, even if it meant admitting that she liked Rainbow Dash too.

Wait, what?

Initial Thoughts

By looking briefly at the word count for each chapter, I can see we're dealing with some short chapters. There is likely a format reason for this. I also note the description and its content warnings. Though not the biggest Gilda fan, I'm certainly interested in how those warnings play into the drama that is set to unfold. 

Finally, I should note that this story was written as part of the Right Back At It Again contest (now, I believe, closed). I’ve taken the liberty of examining the guidelines, in the event that there are certain restrictions I should keep in mind. 

Onto the story! There will be spoilers.

Summary

In a series of increasingly frantic letters, Gilda learns that some crisis has come to Rainbow Dash’s relationship with Applejack. Rainbow expresses a desire to “decompress” by staying with Gilda for a day or two, a request which Gilda happily accepts. Inwardly, she’s beyond nervous, still holding onto old flames for her old friend. What follows is a series of conversations about themselves, their relationships, and attempts at answering the age-old question: what next?

Plot

In perhaps a departure from my usual format of reviewing, I will talk first about the plot as it unfolds via the two storytelling mediums that Soaring has employed: the first medium being epistolary, and the second being traditional narrative prose. 

As stated in my initial thoughts, what struck me immediately was the series of short chapter lengths prevalent up to the 12th. The 12th clocks out to just over 12k words, while the short ones range from only a couple hundred or so. The reason for this, as it turns out, is because these 11 chapters are, in fact, letters, written between Gilda and Rainbow Dash, detailing a quick correspondence prior to the actual “story” itself. 

The letters, then, function as an expositional, filler technique, essentially setting up the dramatic evolution of the story—Rainbow Dash coming to Gilda’s home, which the 12th chapter details. They are short, for the reason that letters aren’t always long, and help facilitate that exposition. 

However, there are some issues with this characteristic brevity—the dramatic build-up to the, well, drama, is disseminated in these letters, but it’s also present in the long chapter itself. To an extent, due to the somewhat slow nature of that chapter, the dramatic nature of providing expositional information pays off more there than in the letters. This makes the relevancy of the letters ever so slightly weak in comparison. 

Traditionally, epistolary writing allows the writer and reader to get into the heart of the characters who write them. They are rather explicit, in that thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are, more or less, spelled out from the get-go. With these letters, some of those things are present, but not nearly enough to make the decision to use this technique come across as either necessary or strongly presented. One might even say that all the exposition needed is either present in the single lengthy chapter, or otherwise can be added to it. The length, then, isn’t the issue, so much as the depth is. In other words, while the epistolary style is certainly inspired, I can’t say if it works, here. 

Form aside, what we’re presented with is a fairly interesting romantic plot, in that much of the story doesn’t actually consist of romance between the two main characters. As provided in the story’s description, this story responds to the contest’s prompt of the first signficant event in a relationship, which, in this case, is the “first break up.” Gilda acts as an avatar for the reader, in that through her we ask and then learn the circumstances that transpired between Rainbow and Applejack, and even the circumstances between Rainbow and Gilda herself. The story is therefore more of an exploration of these circumstances than anything else.

These circumstances are, of course, related to Rainbow messing up her relationship with Applejack by way of writing, of all things, a heartfelt confession of not being certain if she loves her anymore, and Gilda’s still lingering, still smoldering feelings towards the prismatic mare. We even learn that, long ago, Rainbow had feelings for Gilda—a revelation which shocks Gilda more than she’d rather let on.

In this way, we deal with several plot points and plot reveals. Such a grouping would mean that there is much work to be done in order to give each their rightful amount of space, but while I enjoyed their presence, I’m left wondering if the story did do enough to merit all three. 

Let me put it this way. The premise of the letters within the narrative is that Rainbow has a problem concerning her relationship with Applejack, and hopes that a visit to Gilda will help clear things up. Gilda, meanwhile, must wrestle with her own private machinations regarding the visit, which the last letter and the long chapter dive into greater detail. However, this means that, for the moment, the story promises to focus first on what Rainbow has to say regarding Applejack, and focus primarily on that; it would then follow-up by “matching” Gilda’s own stakes in the matter to whatever Rainbow reveals.

The story doesn’t quite do that. There’s a lot of padding in the lengthier chapter which, while serving the purpose of showing us Rainbow through Gilda’s eyes quite literally, works against the dramatic effect of us learning what happened between Rainbow and Applejack in the first place. We don’t learn about Rainbow’s gradual sense of disenchantment with Applejack until a good 6 or 7 thousand words in, and there isn’t much indication that this is on her mind (I’ll speak more of that in the Characterization section). This makes the drama that’s hinted at in the letters—indeed, the very premise behind them—seem to fade into the background while a lot of “filler imagery” takes precedent. I can see this making sense as a way of giving Gilda and Rainbow room to maneuver around each other, but Rainbow brought this matter into Gilda’s home. It ought to linger like a spector, of sorts, if not an outright ghost that trails her every step and hides behind her every word. 

As a further effect of this, the story doesn’t quite seem to know what its climax is, or what revelation is the one it wants to harken back to. The letters promise to build towards the revelation concerning Applejack and Rainbow, but this revelation isn’t the one that the story lingers over; rather, it’s the one about Rainbow’s old feelings and the private ones that Gilda still wrestles with. But neither set of revelations seems to be where the story culminates, as after each one, the interaction pads the scene and moment, to the point where the story simply progresses as opposed to draws its rising action to its climactic moment. 

It’s rather hard for me to quantify this beyond just a “sense,” I will admit. I’m a bit upset that I can’t clarify beyond this vagueness. I suppose that these issues may be due to the 15k word limit, which the story falls shy of by a good 500 or so words, but it may also be due to the fact that the story’s sense of narrative balance is a bit too heavy on some sides and too light on others. 

As I see it, all the parts are there, and to address them, it would be a case of simply figuring out what sense the story wants to leave the reader with. I look to its rather unresolved ending and say, that makes sense, and it’s fitting considering the narrative. I would keep that, but then work backwards and see if the dramatic order of each revelation can be changed, if the dramatic relevancy and strength can be adjusted and fine-tuned to give a far clearer perspective as to what kind of sentiment the story wants to present. More development would be needed, in my view, to give each revelation their proper position. 

Score - 7 / 10 

Characterization

We have two characters here, Gilda and Rainbow Dash. Gilda is our POV character, the one through which the “camera” of the story is focused, while Rainbow Dash is consequently the “focal point.” 

Thus, we end up juggling two kinds of characterization: direct and observed. Direct is what Soaring presents with Gilda—since this is her POV, we become intimate with her as a character. We get to see her insecurities, doubts, rapid-fire thoughts and feelings, especially as Rainbow comes into her home and Gilda has to, inevitably, talk to her. Soaring has a distinct ear for the way she talks, but also a strong eye for how she might act around Dash, and while we do see the usual flavor of “nervously in love” that is common for many romance stories, we also see a fierce, loyal friend who’s unwilling to let Rainbow blame herself. 

A small point of characterization which endeared these characters to me was how the two refer to each other. Gilda calls Rainbow “Skittles,” owing to her prismatic mane, and Rainbow calls Gilda “G.” It’s a simple thing, but it does demonstrate that, after an untold amount of time, these two still remain close friends. It rather neatly resolves some of the issues some members of the fandom have with Gilda and Rainbow being friends again. Those who may think that these two can’t be friends should turn their heads to the following line that Rainbow provides:

“Yep, but you’re also the griffon who cared about me both before and after that time, G. I don’t know why you don’t notice that.”

Which, it should go without saying, demonstrates Rainbow’s strong sense of loyalty. 

Speaking of Rainbow, who is our “observed” characterization, in general she comes across very strongly here. She’s confident, smug, and rather easy-going around Gilda, which fits into her arguably laid back personality (when she isn’t driven by something, that is). This kind of characterization fits, I would say, the beginning of the lengthier chapter, in that it allows us to see Rainbow in “her element,” comfortable in the presence of an old friend, unconscious of how much time and space exists between them.

Yet I’m not quite sure if Rainbow fully departs from this, as the letters would indicate, and which the rest of the long chapter attempts to demonstrate. We’re aware, based on the letters, that Rainbow is frantic, frenetic, and frazzled, but while the aura she presents to Gilda in-person at first suggests somepony who’s putting on airs, this illusion doesn’t show signs of breaking until it abruptly does. 

There aren’t many indicators aside from those letters that Rainbow is nervous or upset. Even though those letters say that she is, nothing is necessarily shown in clear detail that she is this way. There’s no nervous stuttering on her part, but there is a great deal on the part of Gilda (I say great, relatively speaking). What’s odd is that we see this entire section through Gilda’s eyes, but she doesn’t seem to notice, or Rainbow doesn’t seem to signify, signs of discontent—at least, not until, at one point, Rainbow breaks down crying. 

Given the circumstances surrounding Rainbow’s reason for visiting Gilda, it would have made more sense if she was either more hesitant about the matter, rather than being the one to draw the two of them into discussing it. I’m not saying this kind of emotional gesture isn’t there; in fact, it is. But it needs to resonate a bit more strongly, overtly, and perhaps sooner, so that the story doesn’t seem as though it’s beating around the bush not as a narrative technique to create drama, but because it’s seemingly unaware that that is part of its drama anyway. I hate to be the one to say, Show, don’t tell, because that’s really bad advice for its generality, but I suppose some showing of Rainbow’s gestures would have given more credence to ther emotional development.

Bar that, though, the characterization between these characters, and primarily the characterization of their interaction, comes across as a strong point for the story. In a broad manner of speaking, the main source of discontent for me is that there isn’t as much development that could have been put into place. 

Score - 8 / 10

Syntax

There weren’t any discernible punctuation or grammatical errors that I could find, and Soaring has a strong enough ear for style that the progression of sentences, however they saw fit, never feels hampered or unclear. There were a few awkward sentences, however, such as the following:

I’m not going to do anything to you, and neither you’re not going to do anything to me.”

I get what this is trying to say, but the effect of negation brought on by “neither” and “not” work against the sentence’s meaning. I believe it has to be changed to something like this:

I’m not going to do anything to you, and you’re not going to do anything to me.”

Aside from that awkward example, I didn’t find anything else wrong with the sentences. The sound of the text is strong, too, and I enjoyed the little flashes of variation that came alongside moments where we entered into Gilda’s head. 

Score - 9 / 10

Final Score = ( 7 + 8 + 9 ) / 3 = 8 / 10

Final Thoughts

This story has a lot of material to work with, but it also lacks the proper development to make that material work. In part, this may be because there is so much to work with in the first place, leading to an awkward balancing act between the story beats. This may also be due to the 15k limit that the contest into which it was entered created, meaning that more cramming might have had to be undertaken in order for the story to qualify.

There are maybe two paths of revision I would advise the author to take. The first: I really enjoyed the epistolary format, and I believe a story such as this could be completely written as a series of letters only. This would expand the narrative time, though, meaning that the narrative may take far longer than a day or two. The second: consider not writing the letters in the first place, and instead, fleshing out the 12k chapter to add more development to what has already been established. (Of course, with the contest over, there’s no need to adhere to the word limit, but that’s a moot point.) 

Still, this story is a good example of the observant third wheel who must contend with the relationship troubles of another. I’m not the biggest fan of Gilda, as I’ve already said, but I rather enjoyed who she was here.

<For archive purposes: 8 / 10>

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First off, thanks Jarvy for the review. I appreciate the insight you offer when looking into stories, so I'm glad I picked you to review this fic.

With that out of the way, I don't really have much to retort here. The amount of feedback to sift through here is way more than I expected. I'm just glad that, despite the plot being a bit unclear with its course, you were able to enjoy what I wrote. I had a lot of fun writing these characters, and I hope to do a sequel to this with a bit more clarity.

Problem is I may have to sit down and define what that is, and that may result in me coming back to this fic and rehashing some parts of it now that the contest is long over. I'll take your advice on what needs to be done there into account as I work through the rehashing! Thank you so much!