TPrologue

• MLP: FiM
• EaW
• Drama
• Slice of Life

Rose Meadow recalls the day she overheard the end of three centuries of peace - An Equestria at War short

• Alt. Universe
• Celestia
• OC
• Royal Guard

The Great Scribbly One · 9.3k words  ·  50  0 · 1.4k views

SUMMARY
For Rose Meadow, her day to day life in the royal guard is typical; she talks with the ponies of her section, watches the the same hallway for hours on end, and otherwise ensures the safety of the princesses. However, with the looming threat of the Changelings on Equestria's border, Rose Meadow is there when everything changes on a day that history will never forget.

A short story that is rich in worldbuilding and characters, "Prologue" provides a unique perspective on how history is experienced by everyday ponies.

Some spoilers, although probably not for anyone familiar with Equestria at War.

LANGUAGE - 8/10
Style:
The style throughout this story is consistent and fresh. The author has a distinct voice and uses that well to draw the reader into the world and characters they have created.

The use of first person is a good choice for this type of story, as it allows for a more conversational feeling between the narrator/protagonist and the reader. Given that this story is focused on how one common mare intimately experiences a historical event, the language she uses and little internal comments lend realism to her account.

My veins ran with ice as the Princess finished. They shouldn’t have done, I’d known deep down that this was coming since lunchtime, even if I hadn’t been ready to proclaim it hither and yon like Victor had. I thought I was ready, but to hear the confirmation jangled certain fearful nerves I’d thought were well and truly battened down. I swallowed them though, because that’s what I was trained to do.

The voicing of the characters is lovely, especially that of Victor. I liked Rose's introduction of him:

Next to me, Victor spoke up in his usual, cheerful way. “Don’t get your hopes up, Murkie. They vill just be crushed.”

The use of sarcasm is effective in providing character to both Rose and Victor. A good example of how to be efficient with language.

My primary criticism is minor. The use of tangents and parenthetical statements is questionable, depending on the overall tone the author is intending. In one sense, these little asides add character to Rose while helping to flesh out some of the worldbuilding details. They also keep the tone light and humorous, but at the expense of breaking the fourth wall. The use of footnotes is fine but generally not used in fiction, although I have read memoirs which use them extensively; my word of caution is that FiMFiction does not do footnotes well simply because of the mechanic of having to scroll to find them.

I also need to address the summary, which is far too long by FiMfiction standards. It reminds me of the blurb which you might find on a physical book, normally on the inside cover or back. The first paragraph of the summary is interesting but more of an abstract commentary; only the last paragraph that talks about the protagonist Rose Meadow is really necessary.

Mechanics:
The sentence structure is great, with appropriate variety. The parentheticals, where used, are used correctly. There are very few areas where the language is unclear or awkward, lending a polished and fresh feeling when reading.

There are a few minor errors in grammar. Mostly misuse of a colon for a dialogue tag and missing prepositions and other small words.

Military ranks and titles are generally not capitalized unless used as part of a name. Proper nouns are capitalized but other nouns are not; for instance, pony is analogous to human and thus not capitalized. Obviously how the world is built may change some of these conventions.

Mood and Tone:
The word choice and voicing are excellent throughout, establishing a clear tone. (Apart from the asides which I have mention in the style section).

The opening scene, starting with a matter of fact radio broadcast, sets the primary tension into motion. The dialogue between the characters helps to establish the mood among the ponies. There is a sense of pessimism, but not necessarily of dread, not yet at least.

“Enough of that, both of you. The signs don’t look good, but Murkie has a point. That wasn’t a declaration of war. It’s still possible there will be a last minute save.”

Victor huffed and looked away, obviously not convinced. To be honest, I wasn’t either.

“Maybe...” Soapy said, drooped ears belying her own doubts.

The dread comes much later, once the Princess officially makes the declaration of war, but not before several scenes highlight moments that are tender or mundane. I like this structure as it develops complexity to the emotions the characters experience on this day.

The speech by Princess Celestia itself is reminiscent of those given in our world by leaders facing the grim reality of war (British PM Neville Chamberlain following the German invasion of Poland to be exact). The language here carries the weight of the situation and seeing how the characters act afterwards adds depth, gravity, and a bit of intimacy.

The author also uses setting to great effect to convey mood, which we will discuss in the next section.

SETTING - 9/10
The author does a great job at creating a rich and immersive setting for this story to exist in. Granted, Equestria at War is already a well-developed universe with its own extensive lore, but I do not believe the author relies on this nor do they expect the reader to be very familiar with it. In fact, they create many layers of worldbuilding beyond the game, such as the creation of a unique calendar system.

The setting is most effective throughout the setting as a compliment to the atmosphere between characters. Consider these passages:

You would think that with such tension hanging over us, like a thunder storm about to break, that the weather would be appropriately dramatic, but no. The sky was clear and a gentle easterly breeze rippled the pennants dotted here and there atop the castle towers as the moon appeared over the mountains to the east. It seemed a little slower than usual, but that might just have been the dull, nagging stress that was tugging at my guts playing tricks on my mind as well.

I find this particular passage above interesting as it breaks yet acknowledges the trope of storms meaning conflict. This creates a bit of realism, downplaying the simple drama in favor of understanding the myriad of emotions the characters experience; the emotions are not necessarily consistent with what we expect and the setting here highlights that.

The sun, which had been lingering in its descent like a foal seeing how long she can put off heading out for school, finally got a move on and slid downward. Though the scene was as beautiful as always [...] and the physical clouds remained pointedly absent, the metaphorical cloud of doubt – of fear – remained, as if the tardy sun was being devoured by the distant horizon, a horizon beyond which the source of that cloud lay.

Combined with Victor’s words, it almost seemed prophetic.

This passage is beautiful. Often in MLP fiction the passage of the sun is closely associated with Celestia, and by extension Equestria itself, so that this little scene hints at what Celestia is about to do while suggesting her current emotional state. In particular, the phrase "like a foal seeing how long she can put off heading out for school" is such a subtle yet perfect description for the gravity of the decision Celestia has made.

The remainder of my notes talk about the worldbuilding which is fantastic, although for a short story some of the details about reforms within the middle of the work are a bit unnecessary. The Dotted Line Report and lavender rifles are interesting, and the exposition about it flows well, but it is more appropriate for a longer work; there simply isn't that kind of time in a short story.

The military details are well done, something that I rarely see in works on this sight. In particular I chuckled a bit too much at "translated from officer" - considering most of my work is written from an officer's perspective! One thing to consider is that some of the audience may not be familiar with the term NCO - noncommisioned officer; especially when creating fictional worlds it is best to explain acronyms at some point, even if in a glossary (such as the notorious one in Frank Herbert's Dune).

CHARACTERS - 8/10
The characters are strong in this story, although the cast is very full for only a short story, thus several characters are little more than a part of the setting than the actual story.

The character of Rose Meadow is the most developed, primarily through her role as the narrator. The asides she makes are good at giving the reader insight into her character as one that is fun in addition to the competence she displays during her bits of explaination about the regulations of the Guard. Her character becomes more relatable throughout the story allowing the core purpose of the story to be communicated.

The pairing of Victor and Rose complements both characters; there is the old, grizzled veteran and the fresh youth with potential. Victor seems to fill a mentoring role, even though Rose is his superior - a dynamic that is actually common in modern militaries and one that is quite effective. This chemistry allows for elements of the story, such as the outlook of life and war, to be presented organically. Furthermore, there is a sense that these two care strongly about each other as the author suggests by the subtle bits of body language and the way they speak to each other.

Victor was sat on his haunches and leaning against the crenelations, looking north-east [...]. As I approached, I deliberately coughed to get his attention. Victor didn’t like being startled. [...] I sat down beside him, following his gaze. Victor was the one who had taught me the ropes of soldiering long before I was promoted over him [...]. Eventually he spoke. “Up north we have a saying, Section Leader: ‘Some days are better than others.’”

His tone was a prepared one, he’d expected me to follow.

Soapy receives a bit of attention. Her characters provides another perspective on the events of the story. Indeed, the majority of the characters are there to provide those differing perspectives and spark some discourse.

The focus on Luna in the final paragraphs of the story seems at first to be out of place as she has recieved very little attention up to that point. The writing seems to suggest that she has significance in a future part of the story. In that case, she would have no point in being developed in this story, as a short story must to some degree resolve. However, I think is is more likely that Luna was included at this point of the story more for her symbolic implications particularly with dreams. Thus she is the element that provides the foreshadowing that concludes the story.

The final character of note is Princess Celestia, although she is developed more so through the conversations of Rose and Victor. She is a character of perception, filtered through what the other characters believe about her. And in turn, she becomes a driving force for the plot even though she receives little actual time in the text.

PLOT/THEMATIC DEVELOPMENT - 9/10
This story has a solid plot, even if that plot is not necessarily one of motion but more so of change. Pacing and development are good, allowing the underlying tension to fester until it is somewhat released at the end.

Princess Celestia, herself the symbolic mother of Equestria, is the primary driver of the plot, the uncertainty of her decision and what comes after she has made that decision being the main sources of tension.

As I discussed in the character section, Princess Celestia is important as character of perceptions. This fact sets up a significant shift in Rose as her perception of the Princess, and by extension the coming war, is altered. Consider these passages that highlight this change:

He looked back down at me “There is one thing that alvays remains constant about her. Can you guess vhat it is?”

I considered that and realised I knew an awful lot less about Celestia than I thought. Not the Princess, the Pony. After a while I guessed. “She likes cake?”

Victor plants the seeds of this change:

Princess Celestia is many things; competent, experienced, motherly... Some even call her a goddess. But she is not skittish and she never, ever cracks. Not anyvhere anypony other than her sister can see, anyvay. Maybe not even her.” Then he looked back down at me. “Rose, Princess Celestia is vorried.”

Then, once Princess Celestia has delivered her speech:

I got a very good look at the elder mare in that moment and she didn’t look so much worried as utterly miserable. The wind seemed to have left her mane and though she walked with the same ramrod posture as before, from that close it was impossible to miss the hesitancy of her heavy steps, a slight unevenness entering the rhythm of thumps as if she was forcing herself to just keep walking. [...] There were no tears, not yet, but I suspect now that was only because she wasn’t allowing herself the luxury in front of us. It made my heart sink again to see her that way.

As the story nears its close there are several passages that I believe capture the themes of this story well. This one from the conversation with Soapy, for instance, is somehow hopeful yet poignantly bleak:

“We don’t have much time, so best make the most of it.”

Funny, how she summed up life so well without meaning to.

The ending passage likewise is mysterious and grips the reader one final time before releasing them.

I don’t usually remember my dreams, and the ones I do are usually embarrassing or dull, but the one I had that night is surprisingly clear and doesn’t fall into either category. It had nothing to do with the day, or of what was to come. Instead, I dreamt of a white ship set against the starry horizon, sailing beneath a rising moon which made the sea around it sparkle like silver.

I theorize, given the previous scene that drew attention to Luna, that this is a prophetic metaphor for how Luna might be taking on more of a role in the coming war, watching over her sister. However, it is just as likely that this little scene has no meaning, no significance other than it's beauty. A beauty that may soon be gone as the war drags these characters "for one more trip through Tartarus".

FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a strong story with excellent command of language and creative worldbuilding. The characters are lively and complex. I like the use of setting, symbolism, and other elements to create a story that is able to capture such an emotionally delicate moment in history.

I think the main things that could make this story better are efficiency in characters and detail. The cast and world is very full for just a short story - it would make for a solid foundation for a larger work, though, which I believe the author has suggested.

Overall, Excellent story. 8.5/10

Score guide
Unsatisfactory: 0-3
Fair: 4-6
Good: 7-8
Excellent: 9-10

Thank you so much for reviewing! My first comment to make is that yes, this is part of a much larger work currently in production, that I tentatively hope to begin releasing the first book of around Easter.

I am glad you enjoyed the fic and have cleared up several of the criticisms made, specifically the lack of explanation of 'NCO' and the incorrect capitalisations of ranks when not used in the context of a name (good grief, I have my work cut out with the eighteen final draft stage chapters I have, plus the remaining twelve not yet quite ready for betaing ), along with an attempt at addressing the colons (again, more fixing to do). I have also made the summary a touch more concise.

The use of capitalisation to designate a reference to a race as a whole is however intentional and has been retained. As you suggested it might be, this has to do with the world and also to a lesser degree the overall framing device. The same applies to the asides (somewhat), which Rose jokingly mentions have something to do with her brother. This is intended not so much a Chekov's Gun as a reference to the cabinet in which the gun will be kept prior to firing. As for the footnote formatting issue, I am trying to figure out how CSP dealt with it. Once discovered, I will retroactively apply the fix.

On the topic of Luna: She will be a major presence in the main books, particularly the second and third. Rose was absolutely thinking about her due to the context of the moment, but from a Doylist point of view the mention is there to foreshadow her later importance. I am very interested by your interpretations of the final paragraph and its possible significance, especially with regard to Luna's role.