Light Heart reviews A Gift To A Princess Holiday’s Heart - My Little Reviews & Feedback

Light Heart101

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Light Heart101 #1 · Nov 12th, 2021 · 2 · ·

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EA Gift To A Princess Holiday’s Heart

Princess Twilight goes to the Mirror World to see what Sunset, her counterpart and the others do during the holidays.

Lonely Fanboy48 · 5.3k words · 19 6 · 1.8k views

Story summary: This story is a sequel to Twilight’s Backstage Pass

SPOILERS FOR ANYONE WHO DIDN’T WATCH HOLIDAYS UNWRAPPED!!!

After going on the beach making tons of friends, knowing more about her counterpart on the cruise and enjoying the Starswirl Festival, Princess Twilight is curious on what the Mirror World does during the holidays. Sunset Shimmer takes the Princess Of Friendship to the Canterlot Mall where most of the magic takes place, while Twilight meets a familiar face from her past in this world.

Thanks to Daniyel099 for editing this.
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/292246/Daniyel099

My analysis:

Disclaimer! I have not watched Holidays Unwrapped, nor have I read the prequel. So expect me not to understand everything context-wise. Also, I know that it's not technically official, but I feel like he flattered me a little by including Light's toy store. LOL

Now, this story does have a cute feel to it. We see Twilight learning a little about a new tradition, and then trying to buy a gift for a child. It's cute, but it feels like there are quite a few errors in the gramical sense, and it really hurts the pacing with the story. I will get to most of it later, but let me lay one fact down here. It's not Human Twilight, it's Sci-Twi.

I like the basis of the idea, even though I don't have all of the context. However, it's hard to read with the long list of errors and typos that I won't be able to fully list off in this review. I know that it's not easy to edit everything, and he did have an editor work on it. However, I think lots of work needs to be done to make this story read smoothly.

Grammar: 3/10

There are quite a few errors with this, and first I want to go over past and future tense. I personally prefer using past tense through a story. Here is a sample from one of my most recent stories.

He quickly cut off the doctor as he held up the script. “I can handle it. Set designing, casting, directing, everything!” He offered eagerly.

Now, I may be wrong on which is the better tense to use, but I will say this. Both doesn't work at all. This is the largest error in this story. Trying to go from past to future tense. Here is one line from early on in the story unedited.

Twilight looked out her window with thousands of snowflakes falling from the sky and landing on the ground. Sunset also notice her friend taking the sight of houses decorated in green and red lights along with tons of winter stands on the yards.

This is one of those mistakes that makes a story hard to follow. Pick a tense and stick with it. Here is a simple edit to make this one paragraph better.

Twilight looked out of her window, seeing thousands of snowflakes falling from the sky and landing on the ground. Sunset also noticed her friend taking in the sight of houses decorated in green and red lights along with tons of winter stands Winter stands... maybe I am ignorant, but what are they? on the yards.

After that, there are other errors in place. There are sentences where it feels like there is missing text:

“Thanks. It was all Sunset’s idea.” Princess Twilight Fill me in! FILL ME INNN!!! walking up to her friends.

“Not to mention they’re invited to our holiday dinner.” Applejack Please, some text here rubbing on her sister’s head.

And a list of miscellaneous errors, a few of which I will list here with patches.

“We’ll explain later, she also has Fluttershy, my and her gifts.” Sunset explained.

“We’ll explain later, she also has Fluttershy's, mine, and her own gifts.” Sunset explained.

“Sunset, you’re here!” Applejack called.

“Sunset, you’re here!” Applejack called out.

“I understand it’s difficult to make a child happy when your not their mother, but don’t get caught up with that.”

“I understand it’s difficult to make a child happy when you're not their mother, but don’t get caught up with that.”

I can go on, but this would require thorough editing and spellchecking to make it read smoother. I know this seems harsh with how critical I am about this, but this is the biggest criticism I have about the entire story. Fixing the tense alone will greatly improve the story. As for the rest of my marks, lets go through them.

Story plot: 8/10

Okay, grammar aside, and also giving a little benefit of the doubt over the prequels, this is a nice slice of life story. The character connection shows, and even though I don't understand the entire background, but it has a feel-good setting from this. I like the concept, and like where the story goes. When you get past the grammical errors, it has a wonderful feel to it.

Story flow: 6/10

In spite of the good story, the main thing making the flow hard to follow is the grammical errors. It makes you pause and try to correct it in your mind, and thus makes it hard to focus on the scene. Thus, it's a bit of a mess, but not a catastrophe. You know where the problem is, and how to fix it. Once you do that, you will get a better story in general.

Final score: 17/30 5.6/10

How to improve:

The center of your problems is grammar, and the biggest part that sticks out is the mix of past and future tense. This is a good story with a plethora of fixable errors. Once you get past the problems, you can start enjoying the story for what it is. It's a lovely slice of life story.

I know there is a lot to work on, and my criticism isn't the easiest thing to swallow, but I hope you take it in the spirit given. It's a chance to learn and improve, with the goal of improving. I think you are great at coming up with story concepts, and I want to see you improve from here. I want to see how you can improve from here.

Keep writing, and keep improving.

Lonely Fanboy48

Lonely Fanboy48 #2 · Nov 12th, 2021 · · ·

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7599831
Thanks for the critique. Grammar along with past and present tense aren’t really my strong points. Usually the show don’t tell requires more for the characters in the story, along with the environments. Since you never watched Holiday Unwrapped, I can’t really blame you. If you wanna know why I keep calling Sci Twi Human Twilight is because someone actually corrected me when they edited one of my other stories. I don’t usually improve that much but I tried to proofread before I published anything.

What are your thoughts on Water Lily giving Princess Twilight a gift which causes Twilight to cry in joy?

Light Heart101

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