Hello everypony, I'm still alive...well, mostly. This review took me quite a while, but I hope to be more productive in the coming months. Anyways, enjoy.

TAdmiration and Admission

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Drama
• Slice of Life

Astral Ink finds himself in the dream of Princess Luna, where he learns why the alicorn cherishes him so much. he also then finally decides to reveal some hidden feelings he has for the mare.

• Profanity
• Luna
• OC

Scribe of the Nightwings · 15k words  ·  68  2 · 1.7k views

SUMMARY
A sequel to "Interruption and Intervention", "Admiration and Admission" follows up with an exploration of the relationship between Princess Luna and her insomniac scribe, Astral Ink, that was established in the first story. In both the dreaming and waking world, the two will try to work through their issues while also coming to understand each other's role in the other's life.

This story is an interesting piece on the beginning of any relationship, giving the reader a chance to see those awkward yet adorable moments of two ponies growing together. The overall atmosphere of the piece is rather charming and I enjoy the original dynamic between Astral and Luna. Aside from a few mechanical issues in the writing, this is a lovely story to read.

LANGUAGE - Good, 8/10
Style:
The overall style is easy to read and clearly communicates the important elements of the story. The sentences have a nice flow to them and provide good variety. Very few issues, and most of my comments to follow are about polish rather than critique.

A primary area of improvement I identified in my read-through was the voicing of thoughts, particularly those of Astral. Since this story relies on the internal emotional conflict that the characters contend with, how these thoughts are voiced plays a role in crafting the story. Consider these word choices from just the first few paragraphs:

The first thing he noticed was...

He also realized that...

Noticing the lack of a dreadful ringing from his alarm clock, Astral concluded that...

While not incorrect or even ineffective, this style of leading the character's thoughts does lean more towards exposition. I would consider including more setting interactions and word choices that suggest the mood and thoughts of the character without being so explicit. This is particularly important in the later scenes where Astral and Luna draw closer to their "spark" - the underlying, unspoken romantic tension is so poignant in scenes like these, and I feel that allowing it to be implied by the text, i.e. the tone, character reactions, setting choices, etc, rather than being explicitly reinforced through direct thoughts will maximize the emotional response in the reader.

This passage (spoilers) from the fourth chapter highlights what I mean:

At the thought of sleep, Astral instantly remembered everything that had happened in his dream. His rendezvous with Princess Luna, the alicorn sharing the memory of their first meeting,…the kiss. He unconsciously moved his hoof to his face to gently touch his lips. Despite it being in the Dream Realm, the kiss with the alicorn felt real to him. He also then remembered the proposition she had offered him about sharing a bed to help with an alternative to achieving sleep without needing to charm himself.

The first issue with this passage is its placement - most of the details Astral is remembering occurred just in the previous chapter, less than 2,000 words prior, making these thoughts highly redundant. All that is really necessary is to convey the idea, the emotion Astral feels rather than his exact memory. In this instance, the passage seems to slow down the pacing, which we want to be fast here because 1.) there was a lot of excitement created with the last chapter's conclusion, and 2.) we need to keep this energy up as we approach the climax.

Mechanics:
In general, this story was free of major grammatical errors. The structuring was neat and effective.

The primary mistakes were minor, mostly involving omitted letters or short words. Missing helping verbs were the most common error. A good read aloud during the editing stage can help identify and fix these errors.

Mood and Tone:
My comments regarding mood are based on aforementioned concept of implying a particular emotion or atmosphere through subtext rather than directly stating it. Here is a noteworthy example from the story:

“So, ummm...” he shakily said only to then trail off into silence. It seemed as though he was at a loss of words. This certainly added to the growing awkwardness that was in the atmosphere. Luna gave a small huff of frustration at this. She certainly had her suspicions about the cause of this stallion’s anxious mannerisms, though it now seemed that it was up to her to confirm them.

So many of the emotions in this passage and throughout the story are stated; words such as those italicized above are unnecessary, especially in romantic situations where the mood and tone must be conveyed subtly, allowing the reader to use their imagination to make the feelings more tangible. Consider how this revision, focusing more on little sensory details, creates a more polished scene:

"So, umm..." he said, his lips quivering before a sharp loss of air closed them shut. His head stuttered in stiff jerks between his hooves and the alicorn's gaze. Luna huffed. Her eyes followed the stallion's mannerisms, noting the sweat that dampened the fur around his brow. She raised an eyebrow at this.

This is a not a perfect example, but you can see how the same mood can be communicated by focusing on the actions of the characters.

However, there are still many more good examples in this story, particularly in the third and fourth chapter. I liked this passage from chapter 3:

Astral had to strain his neck upward[...] but it was all worth it to see those beautiful blue eyes that always seemed to brighten his day.

The imagery of the fourth chapter, with its nighttime setting and palette of calm blues is lovely, and creates that intimate mood that is a satisfying compliment to the story's resolution.

SETTING - Good, 8/10
I really enjoyed the settings used throughout this story, much of which is used to great effect for the desired atmosphere. This passage is an example of good scene setting with it's attention to multiple sensory details:

The soft scent of lavender and lilac wafted through the air, a far cry from the admittedly neutral atmosphere of his own room. His other senses became to arise as he felt a gentle breeze touch his face. Was that…a waterfall he heard in the distance?

This same attention to detail is repeated in the other scenes and each one feels natural to the action and characters. The setting for the fourth chapter, that of the castle at night, is particularly rich with its palette of dark blues and personable details.

My advice on the settings, though, is the same as in the language section: how the setting is supposed to make the characters, and by extension the reader, feel does not need to be explicitly stated. Most of the setting's effect can be implied though the characters' interactions/reactions to it as well as the tone of the language.

One technique I enjoy, and this is just my technique, is to lead the reader's eye through the setting in such a way that a smaller story is told through it, much as the composition of a painting might do.

CHARACTERS - Good, 8/10
The original character of Astral Ink is interesting, although his motivation is difficult to identify from his actions in the story alone. Perhaps the most defined aspect of Astral's character is his anxiety, which in turn creates his struggles with falling behind on work and lack of sleep. His goal in the story, therefore, seems to be to resolve this very struggle, one which is also perfectly set up to allow a reason for Luna to interact with Astral.

It becomes more obvious what Astral's goals might actually be as more interactions occur between him and Luna. The chemistry between them, given Astral's anxiety and the logical voicing of his thoughts, is somewhat awkward and forced, although there are some adorable moments. However, there is this back and forth in Astral that makes the reader confused as to whether Astral is in love with Luna, or just more concerned with his personal struggles. Or it might seem that Luna is merely a means for him to solve said problems. The brief dilemma that Astral deals with in the fourth chapter, given the events of the previous chapter, is an example of the lacking confidence I find in Astral.

Simply put, Astral seems detached from his feelings and his role in the story. The frequent reference of him as "scribe" in the first chapter strengthens this idea.

I found the character of Luna in this story to be more attuned to the romantic plot. Her development from the flashback seen in chapter two to her climatic offer to Astral shows realistic growth in her feelings. Furthermore, Luna's actions and her tone communicate her concern for Astral, and her love of him, far more clearly than what is written for Astral.

It was hard for me to find the spark between these two characters. Luna's spark was somewhat easier to find than Astral's, especially since it was described from her point of view. The problem with Astral is that his constant nervousness around Luna, while the indicator that he might like her, is always present in the same degree.

I do, however, appreciate the slow build-up of feelings between both these characters - it creates a realistic relationship mechanic.

PLOT/THEMATIC DEVELOPMENT - Excellent, 9/10
The story has a nice progression to it, and the dynamics of the growing relationship are portrayed well.

A conflict is introduced early on, that of Astral's struggle with sleep and work, but the primary conflict, that of Astral and Luna coming to realize their feelings for each other, is much subtler and takes longer to develop. Part of what identifies the romantic plot, at least in the first chapter, is the audience expectation given the genre; otherwise the exact details are kept hidden which is a nice choice, although I would be careful to have to two characters constantly skirting around the issue, as in this example:

“It’s not that I’m bothered by it, Luna.” Astral quickly explained before relaxing again. “It’s jus...I’m a bit confused about all of the attention you’ve been giving me.”

[...]

“Hmm, I am terribly sorry, Astral.” she finally said, still looking to the ground now with a sad smile. “This wasn’t exactly how I planned tonight would proceed. [...] I still sometimes struggle with how I use my words with others. Especially when...other thoughts cloud my mind.”

It is better to be sparing with these types of interactions (i.e. ones that use ellipses) in order to maximize their effect - used to often and the progress between the characters will stall.

However, the overall pacing is great. I liked the way the story is structured into four distinct, well named chapters that allow the plot to flow into the different phases. Chapter 2 in particular is a effective in adding some depth and longevity to the relationship between Luna and Astral.

Accountability -> Antiquity -> Adoration -> Appreciation

The transitions and set-up between these episodes are well done. For example, the mood of the first chapter begins to shift in the last paragraphs to one that is gentler and somewhat vulnerable as Luna prepares to share a memory with Astral.

Within the ball of light appeared to be a mirage of…two figures. [...] It looked like two fillies playing in a field of flowers. One was white with a luxurious pink mane, while the other appeared much smaller with a dark blue coat and a shorter light blue mane.

[...]

“These…would be my memories, dear Astral. Or at least the ones that have the greatest impact.” the Princess of the Night answered.

[...]

“My dear Astral,” she said in a soothing voice. “if you’ll entertain me, I would like to view one of my memories with you. I am sure you will find the answer to your inquiry within.”

This ending to the chapter also shows Luna begin to open up towards Astral, allowing for the plot to reach it's climax in the third chapter. Speaking of chapter 3, the climatic scene and accompanying picture are lovely and a great payoff for the reader.

My only other critique is how chapter 4 seems to undo some of the progress made in chapter 3. Astral seemed to have already overcome his struggle with his admission, so the return to his doubting self when he wakes up kills a bit of the excitement that was previously established. Furthermore, the interactions with guards does not seem to add much to the story especially where it is placed - the focus should be on developing the romantic energy between Astral and Luna to a satisfying close.

That closure is, indeed, quite satisfying though. I'll leave this quote as it is probably the best from the story:

“Sleep well, my beloved Astral. May your dreams be sweet. And...thank you for making mine come true.”

FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a heartwarming, wholesome story with an fresh romance for Princess Luna. The original character of Astral is, despite my few issues with him, well developed. Much of the language is crafted well and is ready for the next level of polish to make it spectacular.

There were a lot of explicit bits of describing moods and how the character's felt which I feel could be done more subtly. Some editing could also improve the presentation; missing letters and words are not a major sin, but they can also be easily fixed.

Overall, Excellent story. 8.25/10

Score guide
Unsatisfactory: 0-3
Fair: 4-6
Good: 7-8
Excellent: 9-10

Thank you for the excellent review of my story. You did a fantastic job pointing out some flaws in a constructive way so that I may hone my skills as a writer. I realize that I'm not the first, and most definitely not the last, author to ship Luna with an OC, but I'm happy to see that you find the concept as a fresh look. And of course, I'm happy that you were able to enjoy reading it for the review in the first place.

P.S. Little Tigress was the one who made that art piece in Chapter 3 and I think it came out beautifully!