Today's review comes to you from the ice planet of Hoth; with temperatures well below zero, I've found myself stuck inside with some time to write once more. Perhaps I got a little carried away.

EA Moment of Truth

• MLP: FiM
• Dark
• Sad
• Slice of Life

At the end of "Daring Doubt", Ahuizotl revealed after touching the Truth Talisman that he was a Jungle Guardian who was tasked with protecting the artifacts of the River Basin. However, was that really the truth he was spilling? Or somehow...a lie?

• OC
• Ahuizotl

A Man Undercover · 5.4k words  ·  81  35 · 2k views

SUMMARY
Taking place after the events of the season 9 episode "Daring Doubt", "A Moment of Truth" is a story that focuses on the true motivations of Ahuizotl that he revealed while confronting the author-archaeologist and friends. Speaking under the spell of the Truth Talisman, he states that he is a benevolent protector of artifacts in the Tenochtitlan Basin ... or is he?

This is another story by A Man Undercover with a deep focus on characterization of a villain, similar to "A King's Grand Entrance" which I reviewed several weeks ago. "A Moment of Truth" is, though, a significantly different story, containing some good bits of storytelling as well as a premise that speaks to the essence of fan-fiction's purpose. But while this story is an improvement upon the author's previous work, there are still some issues that prevent it from being spectacular. Let's discuss below.

LANGUAGE - 7/10
Style:
Before I get into my review of the author's style, I want to spend a few sentences on why I consider it important in the grand scheme of telling a story. If you want to get straight to the review, you can skip ahead.

Let's start with a musical analogy. Consider a piece of music, say Beethoven's fifth symphony; we are all familiar with the dramatic motif that perpetuates the work, a simple phrase of four notes. We are also likely familiar with the plethora of interpretations of these same four notes. Whether played by a spirited amateur band otherwise lacking in intonation and articulation or a professional orchestra that, all techniques mastered, can perform with attention paid to subtler details of expression, the fundamental nature of those four notes remains the same, but how the listener receives and experiences them is radically different. However, let's compare our professional orchestra to another professional orchestra, except this second one has made a different stylistic choice - the four notes are sung, the words "Bee-tho-ven's wig ... Is ver-y big." Again, same four notes, but different effect on the listener; the serious style is dramatic, drawing the listener into a dark manifestation of Fate, while the other style is funny, a lighthearted caricature that seeks to amuse.

Here is my point: While style can not change the core of a story, it has a profound impact on how we as the reader understand that story and how we form an emotional response. But a style that does not have the technique to support it will prevent such a response in the reader. This, therefore, is why I consider style to be important, and why it is the first thing I discuss in my reviews. As writers, the words we choose and how we structure them become to us like an artist's brushstrokes on a canvas, or an orchestra's sound in a concert hall.

The author, with this story, displays a solid understanding of the techniques of writing, including a few of those specific to prose. But stylistically, I feel the language does not live up to its potential for two simple reasons: efficiency and energy. Especially when writing a short story, every sentence, every word should be carefully styled as to contribute to the progression of the narrative. There are several examples where this story falls short.

He found himself yearning to answer their pleas, but in the end...he knew he couldn't evade the inevitable.

"As much as I'd like to keep reading until we reach the end, I'm afraid I can't," he said to them sadly, before brightening up for them

In this sentence, the author tells the reader what Ahuizotl is thinking, then immediately expresses the same idea through his dialogue. This type of repeated exposition/action combination appears multiple times throughout the story. In each case, it interrupts the pacing of the narrative or, as in this next excerpt, undermines what would otherwise be a masterfully natural characterization:

As he drew closer to the temple, each of the ponies at the front bowed their heads. They knew that he was their master, and so they showed both respect and submission to him for it.

In this example, the same idea could be expressed without the final clause, as the fact that the ponies are bowing and that they know Ahuizotl is their master already implies that they respect and submit to him. Consider this revision:

As Ahuizotl drew closer to the temple, each of his ponies bowed their heads. They knew he was their master.

Notice how this is not only more concise, but that by having a short, direct second sentence it creates forward momentum that complements the action of Ahuizotl (i.e. walking with purpose to the temple). This also addresses the problem of energy. So much of this story is told as a matter of fact with out any stylistic nuance to help the reader understand a detail's purpose in the overall narrative. As we will discuss in the setting section of this review, many details seem to be added for no other reason than the author thought of them when writing and as such decided they should be included in the story. Much of the language simply exists; there is nothing wrong with this, but nothing remarkable either.

Mechanics:
Grammatically, this story is good. I have a few gripes, though, which I addressed heavily in my last review of this author.

The use of simile can be acceptable but leads to the story sounding amateurish or cliche. I understand what the purpose of the simile is as it is used here; it is a tool to illicit a specific image or concept in the reader's imagination, but I question if it is the most effective tool. Consider this example:

They pressed their hooves to the center of the walls where an X was marked. The Xs that they touched pressed back like buttons, and slowly...doorways revealed themselves.

If it looks like a button, and works like a button, then it is a button.

There is one paragraph that caught my attention:

A few seconds later...In a jungle...

For a moment, there was nothing but the calming sounds of crickets, birds of the night, and tree frogs in the tree-covered habitat. Until, the same hole leading into the portal's tunnel appeared, with Ahuizotl jumping out of it. The ground vibrated from his muscular bulk landing on it and the speed Ahuizotl went traveling through the portal.

The use of ellipses between "later" and "In", while acceptable, is not a best practice as a comma would suffice, thus allowing the greater pause to occur after "jungle" before returning to the action. The first sentence of description suffers from mistakes in parallel structure; as written, it conveys that there are "calming sounds of crickets and calming birds of night and calming tree frogs" rather than "calming sounds of crickets, birds, and tree frogs." The sentence following this has an unnecessary comma after "Until", which as written creates a prepositional phrase. However, this renders the sentence a fragment since the phrase following it does not contain a verb. But even a rewrite correcting for these mistakes would not work:

Until the same hole leading into the portal's tunnel appeared, Ahuizotl jumped out of it.

This implies the portal appeared until Ahuizotl jumped out, rather than the intended meaning that the jungle was calm until the portal appeared. The word "until" needs to be connected to the preceding idea of "For a moment...". I would try this revision:

That is, until the same hole leading into the portal's tunnel appeared with Ahuizotal jumping out of it.

The final sentence of the paragraph could benefit from prepositions to connect "speed" to "Ahuizotl" - as it is written "speed" is almost acting as an adjective. My personal choice would be "the speed with which Ahuizotl went traveling..."

Please note that I am focusing on these details not to belittle the author or even to act as an editor, but rather to educate. Whether we as writers like it or not, readers can tell when our language just isn't right; they may not know the specific grammar rule or technique, but just as you can tell a good sounding band from a bad one just by listening, so too can a reader tell with written word.

Mood and Tone
The overall tone of this story is dark, and, although there is room for improvement, there are several excellent examples where the author succeeds in establishing a complementary mood. Here is a truncated (to remove the excesses discussed in the previous section) excerpt that shows some superb mood writing:

For staring back at him in the glass was not his own reflection, but one of an ocean-blue pony, with forest-green eyes that were behind a pair of spectacles. [...]

The difference in reflection did not worry Ahuizotl in the slightest. In fact, it only made him smile at it.

"The spectacles I wear have given me a perfect disguise [...]," he thought to himself. [...] "It’s best to keep the world of Daring Do a secret [...]." Deciding to push those thoughts aside, Ahuizotl faced forward and continued on.

Finally, he turned right and strolled into the alley, deep enough to where the shadows cast by the buildings and night sky completely concealed him. Not taking any chances, Ahuizotl looked everywhere, making sure no one was around but him. Especially in case he was being followed.

[...] Ahuizotl pinched an orange jewel on his necklace with two of his giant blue fingers, before twisting it to the right like one would a dial.

In seconds, a huge, blue, and swirling hole appeared in front of Ahuizotl. A portal. [...] It was his ticket home, and he knew precisely where the portal was parked.

Without hesitation, Ahuizotl jumped through, disappearing from the alley like he wasn't even there before.

Notice how many of the details, from Ahuizotl's reflection that highlights his disguise to the shadowy alley, contribute to this rich feeling of mystery underpinned with the sense that the character is up to no good. It makes the reader wonder just exactly what Ahuizotl is up to; creating this desire to know in the reader can be a powerful tool that will keep them engaged as well as set up what could be a satisfying payoff at the end of the story.

But alas, it is not to be so in this story as it does not sustain this mood; instead, it becomes muddied by several instances of confused tone or simply neutral language. Here is an example:

With his confidence high, the elevator lowered itself downwards, the start of it doing so not even causing a jolt to the box or Ahuizotl. An eerie tune played as the elevator descended to the eighth floor, which was the elevator's version of a song called "Sadness in the Rain", written and performed by a cellist.

"I really should write a note to the pony who made this favorite song of mine," he noted in his head, "At least I already found the address to her residence in Ponyville."

There is a lot going on in this scene. First, Ahuizotl's confidence suggests a positive mood, that he is in high spirits. But then the inclusion of the song, directly related to sadness by name, would create a mood that is sad, a negative emotion that would counteract the positive emotion already established for the character. Then we have the thoughts of the character; they are even more out of place, suggesting neither high confidence nor low sadness, but rather a feeling of mundane amusement. Furthermore, all three of these very different emotions take place in the context of a scene that should carry the same mood as the scene in the alley as it is a progression of the ideas established there.

Perhaps the best piece of advice I can give to this author and others is to remain focused. Remember that the purpose of a short story is to capture a specific idea and mood and keep the reader engaged to that for a brief snippet of time. There is simply no time to be distracted.

SETTING - 7/10
The setting is creative and has no shortage of detailed descriptions. As mentioned in the mood section, the scene in the alley is a wonderful use of setting to tell the story; this approach appears again with the elevator at the very end of the story. However, it would be wise to consider how much detail is necessary to communicate the setting to the reader. For instance, many words are spent describing the elevator, from its color to its arrangement of buttons and even how it operates, but none of these details contribute to the narrative, thus meaning a simple description of the elevator would suffice. Provided enough context, readers can very easily fill in the gaps with their own imaginations.

Of the details that are important, how they are presented matters.

Ahuizotl took a moment to take in his surroundings.

Much of what he saw was jungle as far as the eye could see.

But then, his eyesight caught onto a golden yellow temple that wasn't too far away from him, and despite the night sky, the color itself remained unchanged. Tall torches were lit around it, and a dozen or so native earth ponies surrounded the temple on every step, spears pointing straight in the air.

He now knew precisely where he was: Home.

This scene setting works, but could do more to establish it's importance to the character. As it stands, there are no details to suggest why this particular temple is home to Ahuizotl. I also want to draw attention to the detail "a dozen or so"; the perspective of this story is omniscient, therefore the narrator should know exactly how many ponies there are instead of estimating - such a thing is reserved for limited perspectives where the narrator does not know every detail. Furthermore, it is stated earlier that Ahuizotl already knows where he is going, thus making the last sentence of this excerpt seem repetitive.

However, these are all only minor details that do not detract from the story as a whole, but neither do they contribute to it as well as they could.

CHARACTERS - 8/10
This story is a character piece on Ahuizotl and as such does well to capture some of his character's essence while also taking it in a direction that differs from the show. His character here is presented as a more complex, scheming villain type instead of the well-meaning guardian that the show decided to conclude his arc with. In some ways, I find the interpretation in this story to be a better match for the character, although it could be better. Let's start with what works well. (Note, the nature of this story closely relates the plot and characterization - I will try to keep these confined to their respective sections.)

To the dismay of both him and his readers, the clock said it was 7 o'clock at night. Closing time for the bookstore.

Ahuizotl sighed at this contemplation.

This begins to establish Ahuizotl's character along the same lines as presented in the show, that of a reformed villian who does in fact care. But then we get this detail a few sentences later:

"Well, if you don't have a copy yet, you'll just have to wait until the bookstore opens in the morning to find out," [Ahuizotl] finished.

I love this statement and here is why. In "Daring Doubt", Dr. Caballeron posing as an author is faced with a similar situation where he can no longer interact with his fans, but he offers all of them free copies of his book. Here with Ahuizotl, though, his reaction differs from Caballeron, choosing to disappoint his fans by making them pay for the books. It is a subtle element of characterization that suggests Ahuizotl might not in fact be as reformed as we are led to believe.

The whole first scene in the bookstore is a wonderful establishment of this character, but the problem is that the same qualities do not carry through the rest of the work. Consider this scene of Ahuizotl moving to his throne:

This did not affect Ahuizotl, as he was very patient tonight.

He strolled his way to the throne, taking his time since he didn't think there was any need to hurry. Once he wasn't far from the platform, though...

He leaped into the air using his back legs. He flew for just a few seconds, before landing on top of the platform with a booming echo and vibration , which didn't affect the platform. When both echo and quake had ceased, Ahuizotl straightened his arms after the landing and proceeded towards his throne, calmly strolling with no intention of hurrying like he had before.

There are a few problems here. First, the direct exposition of the character's thoughts, because of the narrator's perspective, eliminates any ambiguity in Ahuizotl's motivations that could be used to further develop his characterization. I am also confused by the bipolar nature of the character: is he patient and calm or is he not? Furthermore, the overconfident, showy nature of the character here is at odds with what was presented in the bookstore scene. All of it seems to suggest a character that is not mentally stable, a sentiment which becomes stronger given the character's final monologue about his motivations and plans. It is all very dark, and perhaps insanity is a fitting interpretation of the character's motivation. However, note that doing so will diminish the human aspect and thus relatable aspects of this character's struggle. If that is the intent, then so be it; simply make sure to guide the character's trajectory from the beginning and keep the story going by remaining focused on those aspects that will allow the character to progress towards his final state.

The other characters in this story are minor, most serving only to accentuate aspects of Ahuizotl's character. The native earth ponies, for instance, have little characteristics outside their collective servitude to Ahuizotl; it is explained briefly that they, as well as the iconic cats, serve Ahuizotl because he rescued them from a bad place. This in itself could be an interesting characterization for Ahuizotl, suggesting that perhaps he does have a heart, but again, the story's conclusion dismisses this. There is one example of characterization for the kitten that I found had excellent potential:

"...and Kyle the Cat, who was orphaned since birth and abused by a female pony who dared to think she had the superiority to treat him like a mere toy."

The backstory of the kitten does a little to justify Ahuizotl's motivation against ponies, but I feel this otherwise brilliant idea is buried by mostly irrelevant details that work against it. The characters of Sakumba and Kreekama are a prime example. They are the soothsayer and acting coach that helped Ahuizotl convince Fluttershy that Ahuizotl was telling a truth instead of the lie he actually told. However, their inclusion and role diminishes the character of Ahuizotl - rather than accentuate his power, they detract from it.

My final thought on the character portion is similar to my last review for this author: why make the main character truly evil as their primary motivation? I want to reference the work of Silver Quill, whom many of you may know from his "After the fact:" review series on YouTube. In one video, he discusses the villain archetype and begins by saying that there is no pure archetype for a villain; rather, their character is derived as a corruption or shadow of another archetype. Nightmare Moon and Queen Chrysalis, for example, are merely the passive and aggressive shadow of Princess Celestia's Queen-Mother archetype.

In the same way I could easily see Ahuizotl as a shadow of Fluttershy's Caregiver archetype; the backstory of his minions and his repeated defeats at the hands of Daring Do could easily make him fit the Victim archetype, with his final plan serving as his reaction to being a victim. However, if this is the case, more focus should be spent on developing his backstory and motivations to line up with this.

PLOT/THEMATIC DEVELOPMENT - 7/10
Overall, the plot of this story has several good elements - it starts and ends well, but the pacing of the middle suffers.

The beginning of the plot should not only ignite the conflict, but also provide a sort of promise for the reader that will draw them in and set-up the progress and pay-off that will satisfy them as they read. The author provides a clear example of this:

The desperate beggings of his audience left Ahuizotl absolutely stupefied. In all the years he'd lived, he had never left someone wanting anything more than to get away from him. He found himself yearning to answer their pleas, but in the end...he knew he couldn't evade the inevitable.

This sets up not only the struggle of the main character, but also provides a hint of how the conflict will be resolved. However, the middle, or progress, portion of the plot does not capitalize on this excellent start. Too many actions and details are added that slow down the pacing and diminish the effect of any progress made in moving through the conflict. Consider this example:

Native earth ponies were already in the room, standing at attention in lines of tens. Many, though, were either just getting into position or entering through pony-sized holes that were throughout the wall and a couple inches above the floor before galloping to the others and getting in position. This did not affect Ahuizotl, as he was very patient tonight.

If the tardiness of his minion's does not affect Ahuizotl, why include it in the first place? It detracts from the driving momentum of his mission to reach his throne room and carry out his plan.

The way the plan is delivered is also lacking in excitement. Much of it delivered through straight exposition to the minions, and the tone is somewhat condescending. It seems odd that he would be telling his plan to his minions like this, especially given the amount of implied time between his interaction with Fluttershy that began his plan and the events of this story (i.e. enough time to write and publish a book).

There is a hint of progress as Ahuizotl mentions the backstories of his minions, but the most significant progress does not happen until the very end of the story, right at the climax.

Slowly, he turned himself around, making his way back to his throne and finding himself with second thoughts about this. He couldn't get the faces of each and every pony he saw out of his head, both at the bookstore and at the Temple of Tonatiuh. They had each showed sympathy, warmth, and love towards him and made his heart feel as soft as a peach. They made him experience feelings that he hadn't felt in so long, and he suddenly found himself wanting to keep having them.

But then, as the elevator doors were closing themselves...

"NO!" he angrily shouted.

This is a fine example, but the build-up to this point is mired by all the details of the throne room scene. In fact, this is the first time since the opening that Ahuizotl thinks about the ponies who looked up to him at the beginning of the story. The following paragraphs further develop this conflict that was spurred on by those very same ponies, bringing in elements of backstory that do an acceptable job at furthering Ahuizotl's motivations. This then leads the reader to the final payoff, which is a nicely done, dramatic conclusion.

As he finished talking, the elevator stopped at his floor and opened itself with a ding, an overhead light indicating his arrival.

"This is my true destiny. Not friendship. Not love. Nothing outside of what I have wanted to accomplish for my whole life," he said, "and that...is final."

With those words said, and his desired path clear as day, Ahuizotl walked right inside his bedroom to get some sleep.

Slowly, the elevator closed behind its occupant and sealed itself shut, the light above turning itself off with a quiet ‘ding’.

I love how the elevator becomes a pseudo-symbol for Ahuizotl's resolve to push forward with his plan. The final sentence as well is excellent; it leaves the reader with this satisfying feeling of knowing that the story continues to its dark end beyond what is presented here.

Thematically, I am unsure what this story is trying to say, if anything at all. As with "A King's Grand Entrance", the author's fascination with presenting villains as pure evil leaves out any believable ambiguity on the nature of evil and how one might drift into that dark realm of human nature. Is the author suggesting that people are just inherently evil and, by focusing on them as a protagonist, destined to succeed as a positive outcome? There is a hint that Ahuizotl may in fact have some good in him, and that struggle between his good and evil intentions would make for a good theme. If the goal is to portray evil as a truly bad thing, then there must be a counterweight first to help the reader identify why and how it is bad and second to suggest an alternative path.

FINAL THOUGHTS
There is a lot of potential in this story. The author is obviously a good writer as evidenced by the many examples of creative, subtle storytelling I provided above. Furthermore, the direction in which the author takes Ahuizotl's character represents the essence of fan-fiction: taking the characters and world we know and love and making something more out of it.

However, there is room for improvement. The story is good, but it is also lacking that bit of deliberate storytelling that sets the really great stories apart. The author has a firm understanding of how to employ the fundamental techniques of writing, thus my advice is to move onto learning the next level of storytelling techniques. Consider not just what a story is, but how it does what it does. What techniques do the creators use to effectively tell that story and why do they work the way they do? With well over 200 written reviews of movies and TV shows, there is no shortage of an appreciation for storytelling on the part of the author. If that passion for stories is truly genuine, then let it serve as a motivation to learn more about the complex art of storytelling.

Overall, Excellent story. 7.25/10

7421417
I saw your review on my story long before I made this comment. I apologize for not making it right away, I had to think about what I wanted to say first.

Just like your review on “A King’s Grand Entrance”, I deeply enjoyed your take on “A Moment of Truth”. I found it to be very reasonable and understandable, and I’m happy that you enjoyed the beginning and ending of the story and the things you positively noted. The many notes of criticisms you gave also helped me figure out how I can grow as an author.

Another reason as to why I wanted to take my time writing this is because there are things I wanted to address to you regarding the story.

And, well, here they are:

Looking back on the things you addressed regarding Ahuizotl, I can see what you mean when you say he seems mentally unstable in some ways, such as being patient with his minions and his feelings regarding the elevator music.

That was something I wanted to capture actually. 

He’s someone who was hardened by his past and the fact that he was cast out from his original home and community. All because of his ideologies and visions for what he thinks would make the world better than before. He believes that the direction he’s taking is the correct one, and he’s obsessed with proving that he’s right about what he thinks and that everyone else is wrong. I’m not a psychologist, but one thing I’ve learned (even from personal experience) is that arrogance and ambition can do a great many terrible things to a person.

You’re also right about Ahuizotl being a shadow of Fluttershy in many ways. He’s someone who loves and cares for animals just like Fluttershy. But, what really differentiates the two is that he thinks all sapient life should be wiped from existence. Unlike Fluttershy, Ahuizotl also believes that friendship, love, and family aren’t the keys to peace. Rather, he believes that a world with eternal and true harmony would be one without sapient life, and that kindness isn’t the way for a person to get whatever they want. The only reason he has his pony minions is because they share his belief.

My intentions behind working with Ahuizotl and the Storm King have been to reflect on the darkness of the world, as well as to depict the alternates of the heroes and good-hearted in the best way possible. It was never to encourage people to become evil, but to go more in-depth with the characters as villains and give a clearer picture on why no one should be anything like them. In this case, give a depiction of individuals who succumb to their inner demons and what happens to them because of that.

In regards to the pacing...

I understand your concerns, especially after reading that you felt the middle dragged too much. But, I wanted to be sure that the story didn’t feel too quick-paced or straightforward, mainly because I thought that it wouldn’t give the concept and characters enough time to develop.

And yes, I know what you said about the monologue Ahuizotl gave to his minions, and I know that his minions would already know everything. However, just because they knew everything didn’t mean the audience knew what was going on. The monologue was specifically made to help the readers get what was happening in the story and what Ahuizotl’s intentions apparently were. It seemed like without the monologue, the people reading this story wouldn’t get where the concept would be going or want to see what happens with Ahuizotl after his minions leave.

The idea behind the one-shot was to make it like a villain’s assembly meeting in the middle, as well as a fic where twists, turns, and surprises are revealed. It’s also made to be the beginning of one big story. The reason I didn’t expand it into a multi-chapter was because I was afraid that what I had in mind to write next would completely distract from what I posted and steer things off topic.

Rest assured, there’s more to come.

Even today, I can’t help but wish that Hasbro and Entertainment One had actually expanded on what “Daring Doubt” brought into something like what I wrote, or that I’d actually be able to pitch my story and its sequels to them. On the bright side of it all, though, the comments saying that there are things about it that are flawed did inspire me to try improving on it in preparation for actually pitching it to Hasbro and eOne, including doing things that I didn’t think of putting in before.

Thank you for reviewing this story, sir. Your reviews inspired me to try to do a better job with other stories in the future, and it truly made my day.

If you have any questions you'd like to ask me, please let me know.