TCloak And Daughter

• MLP: FiM
• Drama
• Slice of Life

When Starlight approaches Sunburst the night before he returns to the Crystal Empire, she inadvertently discovers something about her old friend that explains a bit about their past—and present.

• Starlight Glimmer
• Sunburst

Gay For Gadot · 5.4k words  ·  182  35 · 2.9k views

SUMMARY
"Cloak and Daughter" is a portrait of the relationship between Starlight Glimmer and Sunburst as they have a deep conversation about the past and present. Set during the season 7 episode "Uncommon Bond", this story tackles heavy themes of identity and how friendship can exist because and beyond of it.

Without spoiling too much of the story, I will preface this review by saying that this story deals with transgender (transpony, as the author puts it) issues as its central focus. Although I have had many friends that are LGTBTQ, I am not that familiar with the community or its perspectives. I bring this up to say that the author does an excellent job of blending these perspectives within the context of the story in such a way that feels natural and can allow a reader without personal experience, such as myself, to relate.

LANGUAGE - 8/10
Syntax: The author has a lovely mix of deliberately crafted sentences that add nicely to the pacing and flow of the narrative. My only critique is that there are some sentences that can be combined with a comma instead of a full period to create a parenthetical phrase. This will slow pace and keep the reader focused on the same thought, but I only mention this nuance because the majority of the story is well-written.

Grammar: I only saw one or two grammatical errors, and even these are subtle.

Mood and Tone: The author has great command of words that create a consistent, muted and occasionally tense mood. The use of emphasis on certain words and well-place punctuation sets up a good tone for the characters that feels natural. The author uses repetition and parallelism to highlight keys ideas of the narrative.

SETTING - 8/10
The setting of this scene at night and in Starlight's bedroom is a strong choice that fits the mood of the narrative. The author establishes the imagery well, with elements of the setting contributing meaningfully to the story. I recently watched "Uncommon Bond", so I cannot comment on how well this story stands on its own without the context of that episode - however, the author does provide good exposition that serves to remind the reader who has seen it or inform in the reader who has not.

CHARACTERS - 9/10
The characters are the strongest part of this story. The dialogue between Sunburst and Starlight is natural and meaningful to both their established characters. It is interesting to see the author's characterization of the transpony, especially since the motivations that arise from being trans are consistent with the character's presentation in canon.

The side characters, who only appear in flashbacks in this story, are flat and perhaps a bit stereotypical. But they serve their purpose, which is to support the dynamic occurring between Sunburst and Starlight.

PLOT/THEMATIC DEVELOPMENT - 8/10
The plot in this story moves as the conversation moves and each character grows in understanding and their expression of such. The flashbacks present a subplot which grows as the main plot grows; the breaks also add context and benefit the emotional development of the characters. The climax is so simple, yet powerful.

Thematically, this story has some great ideas about identity and how relationships with others can be affected by it. The use of three solids (sphere, cube, and octahedron) as part of the setting is good symbolism for being transgender which the author develops well. However, the symbolism can be clearer and stronger; the authors presents the octahedron as the solid that is supposed to be different, but I might pick the sphere since geometrically it lacks defined edges or vertices like the other two. The concept of "Death of the Author" applies here. Furthermore, although the solids are established to have meaning to Starlight, their abstractness gives little for the reader to relate to.

FINAL THOUGHTS
I enjoyed this story and felt that the topic of transgender was handled well by the author. The language is fresh and exciting to read. The characters are great and the story fits well with the episode it draws its setting and context from. These quotes from the story are examples of what I liked:

"Starlight Glimmer crossed the greatest distance in Equestria to lay a foreleg around Sunburst's shoulders."

"This time, it was not the silence of strangers—thick, heavy, awkward—but that of friends. Meeting, parting, returning. Pushing past the oceans between them, the sands of time, joining where nothing else mattered."

My only complaints are mainly stylistic - continued writing and figuring out what works will fix these issues. Notably, the use of symbolism has the potential to be much more meaningful.

Overall, excellent story. 8.25/10

7368740

Thanks so much for the detailed feedback! If you have a chance, would you mind pointing out any grammatical errors you spotted? I always hate when one of those slips by my and/or my editor's lice comb.

So far, I'm very impressed with the reviews this group offers. Thank you again for taking the time to write this. It's a very insightful and helpful critique. Keep up the great work!

7368785
Very minor things which I only noticed on the second read:

In paragraph 9:

Starlight had had her own phase

This is one of those weird quirks of English which is technically correct but feels awkward. Consider an active verb like "experienced" that will also be more specific.

The end of the 5th scene:

and here she was, thinking she had anything to offer him

Barely noticed this one, but I wonder if you meant "thinking if she had anything to offer him".

7368872

Ahh, good catches. I fixed them both. Thanks again!