TSpitfire's Worst Nightmare

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Comedy

Cancelling practice is a huge taboo for Spitfire. Sadly, piss poor weather might force her to go through with it. Truly, there is no worse fate than an unscheduled day off.

• Spitfire
• Soarin
• Fleetfoot

garatheauthor · 1.3k words  ·  88  5 · 1.4k views

Spitfire’s Worst Nightmare

by garatheauthor

Summary: Spitfire wakes up to her worst nightmare: a day so foggy she'll need to cancel practice. She never cancels practice. After all, they're Wonderbolts and bad weather doesn't frighten them.

Initial Thoughts: A Wonderbolt story? With the Romance and Comedy tags? And it’s the best non-rainbow-themed Wonderbolts, too!? Oh, yeah. This has got me hyped! I always enjoy watching Spitfire lose her marbles in these sorts of stories. But, did this story live up to that hype?

My Reaction: Well, yes and no. The story is basically what it says ‘on the tin’, as it were. Bad weather rolls in, preventing Wonderbolt practice from happening, and royally ticking off the team Captain in the process. There were more than a few hearty laughs during this story, about half from the characters, and half from the narration, which was just lemony enough to feel charming. If there was anything that otherwise spoiled my time with this story, it would be the sudden swerve into adult-humor, and the ending.

The humor takes a sharp turn into the more risqué and crasser, to the point where I was honestly surprised. I think a language tag would have been nice, at the very least. It never gets into Mature territory, but it’s surprising enough to be noticeable.

And that ending, without giving anything away, is a bit anticlimactic. That’s usually alright, especially since this isn’t an action/adventure story. But, in this case, the Comedy ends on a sort of non-joke. It’s jarring, and feels a bit empty, when the rest of the story managed to keep up a good pace in that department.

Grammar: 10/10. The language flowed well, and I didn’t notice any grammatical mistakes that stood out enough for me to remember them once I was done. Good job!

Story: 7/10. The plot, with all its attending structures, tropes, and other higgity piggities. I thought that the general idea was good, and that for a simple Rom-Com (kinda slice of life, as well), it does what it needs to do. The mark down is due to its anticlimactic resolution.

Characters: 8/10. Spitfire was pleasantly hardass about practice, and Fleetfoot came off as a bit of a goof and a solid ‘jock’ character. These were good. Soarin… wasn’t bad. But he does come across a bit more put-together and confident than he ever was in the show. If I were grading on show-canon, that would be a serious mark down. But, as it stands, he provides a good straight man… straight horse? Straight horse to the other characters, while not being without personality himself.

Final Word and Rating

10+7+8 = 25/30 = 83/100%

Spitfire’s Worst Nightmare is a solid comedic tale, with a bit of raunchiness on the side, if you’re looking for that. While the ending is a bit abrupt, the story is well worth a look.

To the author: Outside of, maybe, adding a Language tag, to give readers a better heads-up, there’s only really the area of the ending that could use improvement. The ending of a comedic story should feel like the ending of a joke; there needs to be a good punchline for the reader at the end. It doesn’t have to be a literal punchline, like a joke, but it should end with some oomph. The ending, at present, is a bit soft, and not as funny as the jokes that came before it. Perhaps moving around some of the ending dialogue could change the scene’s emphasis, and lead to a stronger “punchline”. The last line could be cut, and the previous one rearranged to do just that, as one (potential) example.

Let me know if there's anything else I can help with.

One thing that confuses me is why Spitfire even has to worry about bad weather affecting her practice. They're pegasi. They make the weather. Did somepony more important than Spitfire order the fog created?

7320110
The wheels of Weather Bureaucracy crush all comers.

Honestly I wish that specific line was in the 'fic.