Imagine if one night, while walking down a dark street, you hear something clatter behind you. You turn around, expecting to see someone walking behind you, maybe kicking something along the ground… but there’s no one, only the dimly lit road.

Then you look up, and the stars are gone.

TAfter I Looked Up, The Stars Had Gone Away

• MLP: FiM
• Horror

Have you ever felt yourself suddenly terrified, for no apparent reason at all? We all know that 'gut feeling' isn't a real thing, and that there's nothing to be afraid of. It doesn't help though, does it?

• Twilight

Seer · 6.7k words  ·  341  6 · 6.2k views

Twilight is in the middle of one of her late-night study sessions in the Golden Oak Library, when she’s suddenly struck by a sudden feeling that something is not quite right.

The entirety of the story takes place in Twilight’s room, and focuses on Twilight’s reactions to her seemingly illogical feelings of fear.

After I Looked Up, The Stars Had Gone Away is a very long title. It is also, as the description states, an experimental story in creating atmosphere. Specifically, it’s a story devoted entirely to building up dread, as Twilight descends slowly into panic while a series of seemingly eerie yet almost entirely explicable events occur throughout the course of the story.

I can’t do the story enough credit by summarising it — as an atmospheric piece, it’s pretty much impossible to summarise without it losing most of its effect in the process. So despite the unflattering summary, know that I did actually enjoy this story. It was unsettling and suspenseful, despite its seemingly non-eventful progression. It would probably be most fitting to describe this as uncanny, which is a rather unique feeling for a horror story to instill.

So, a question: how do you make a story where nothing happens compelling and engaging?

Let’s talk about that.

Writing Style

Starting small here. This story is told through Twilight’s perspective, as I’ve mentioned a few times. Seer does a good job of expressing this through the narration — the writing overall has a very analytical, impersonal voice, much like how I’d assume Twilight to think when she’s trying to be sensible and rational.

Twilight was scared. She didn't want to admit it to herself, but the thumping of her heart and slick film of perspiration matting her coat provided compelling evidence that the librarian was frightened. This wasn't the primal fear of imminent danger, it was the fear of a filly having to brave the long, dark hallway to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

This style of writing really helps to show how Twilight is using her rational mind to try and justify herself out of feeling afraid. It’s also nicely juxtaposed with the bits of Twilight’s thoughts that show up in their own paragraphs, and really sells the feeling of Twilight’s mind warring with itself.

Leave now, teleport, don't walk down those stairs, don't do anything else, don't get your things, don't get Owlowiscious, don't even get Spike, just leave this library.

But the writing style doesn’t maintain this quality throughout the story. Once the tension starts building, Twilight’s thoughts start to show up in the narration, and the calm style starts eroding as more emotional words and shorter sentences start slipping in.

Twilight stared at the letter. Of course. He had been planning this for over a week now. Of course it was tonight. She had just been so interested in that stupid, god-forsaken chemistry book she had forgotten, like always. Of course it was tonight of all nights. Of course. The one night that a seemingly dead Ponyville was draped in a starless night. The one time Twilight was cast into forever motionless hell of which she was the one, unwilling sentinel. A lonely filly crying in her guard tower.

The slow decay of the calm writing style makes Twilight’s descent into hysteria apparent, and helps the story chart its direction. Because with how little is actually physically happening, this changing style manages to give the story some more direction so that it doesn’t feel like it’s just wandering aimlessly.

That said though, the impersonal style, fitting as it is, is pretty boring to start off. It’s a necessary evil sorta, but the first few paragraphs setting the tone and establishing the scene do drag a little.

Extended anticipation

Anticipa-

Most horror stories (and most stories in general, in fact!) follow a buildup-payoff cycle when it comes to tension. You build up tension with, say, small events that imply something unnatural (a door slamming, a twig breaking, etc.), then release it with something happening (a ghost jumping out and chasing the protagonist, for example). Obviously this is a pretty barebones example, but most stories follow the broad strokes of this pattern.

This story does as well… sorta, but in a way that really bumps up the uneasiness of the whole situation that Twilight is in. First of all, the build-ups are very long, which means that the tension remains strong for a longer time without a release. Look at this, for example:

An idea sprang to her mind, and she felt sick. Twilight knew she needed to do it, if only to prove to herself how ridiculous she was being. Gut feeling isn't real, there is no need to be so frightened when nothing had happened. But the peak still felt insurmountable, the very idea of doing it threatened to bring back everything in full force.

But still, there was no such thing as gut feeling, just do it.

"Hello?" she forced herself to speak clearly and with authority.

That’s two paragraphs of build-up for Twilight to say ‘Hello?’ in an empty room. Not only is there an enormous amount of tension because of this happening all over the story, it’s also a sign of Twilight’s unsureness, which fits really well into a Horror story.

The real cool thing about this story, though, is something I already alluded to in the beginning.

Nothing really happens. 

Creepiness through Ambiguity

Well, that's, not entirely true, but it's certainly true enough. Throughout the story, Twilight reacts to threats that are so immaterial that there are serious doubts to whether or not they actually exist. The things that actually happen in the story are windows banging, creaking of wood, and a weird scream that might just be Twilight's ears ringing, to name a few.

The unclearness of the nature of these events are only reinforced by Twilight’s constant, fervent rationalisations of them. Windows banging might be the wind blowing. Creaking wood might be Spike walking around. Twilight, and us, by extension, is never sure whether these events are mundane or supernatural.

This unsureness lies at the heart of this story. Because it's never really revealed what the threats are in this story, or if there are even any threats at all, we're never really sure how to deal with them. Much like hearing a clatter on a darkened street with no one there, the ambiguity of danger leaves us free to imagine whatever horror we want to fill in the gaps, which is much more effective than describing a monster in text.

Make no mistake, though — this story is not just about Twilight getting scared by insignificant things, despite what I've made it out to be. Why? 

Because when she looked up, the stars had gone away. 

Inexplicable horror

And here we come to the final piece of the puzzle of what makes this story so great. Instead of limiting the effects of the ‘haunting’ to the scope of Twilight’s home, several parts of the mystery take place on a much larger scale. A scream that sounds impossibly far away. The entire night sky being absent of any stars. These are the things that really generate the most terror and dread in the story, and make the story more than just Twilight reacting to some random noises in her house. There’s something of a “cosmic horror” feel to this, as the scale of the things she experiences just makes her seem all the more tiny and powerless in comparison, and is as close as the story ever comes to affirming her illogical terror.

Also, remember I said in the previous point that the horror of this situation is entirely supplied by our minds filling in the gaps. By including these seemingly inexplicable moments, the proverbial gaps are widened even further, and the cosmic scale of these moments similarly makes the horror even more terrifying.

If you couldn’t tell from what I’ve been saying so far, I really enjoyed this story! Or, well, I guess I got really creeped out by this story, considering that’s what it went for. Horror might not be my favourite or most familiar genre, but this story’s well-written, affecting non-plot nets it a score of…

Final Score: 9/10

A legitimately creepy, terrifying story that really succeeds in its atmosphere. Despite beginning with a pretty slow pace (which is probably a necessary evil for this sort of story, for the record), Twilight’s desperate rationalisations, her inexplicable feeling of intense fear, and the unexplained events happening around her manage to turn the terror in this story up to a fever pitch by the end of the story.

Haha, got this in before the deadline!

...yeah I’ve been pretty bad about releasing these reviews recently, huh?

Thank you so much for the review!
I'm really happy you liked the piece! You have a great review style. I'll definitely be submitting another fic soon!

7272324 The premise reminds me of:

7272324
Glad you liked the review as well!

Though my request folder is closed at the moment while I work through it, so you might have to wait a while to submit another story there

7272936
Haha no worries at all! I imagine reviews of this quality take a fair while to compose so I get why you might need to close off new submissions every once in a while :P