ERappid's Canon: To The Victor Goes The Spoil

• MLP: FiM
• Drama
• Slice of Life

Tour guide Rappid Fires learns a valuable lesson from Spoiled Rich, of all ponies.

• Hoity Toity
• OC
• Spoiled Rich

Vis-a-Viscera · 4.7k words · 169 views

Written by

Vis-a-Viscera

Summary: To err is equine.

To forgive is divine.

Rappid Fires one-shot today, folks. Wanted to go for something more cerebral in her case, as her personality is best portrayed against contrasting personalities.

So there's the slow build-up of backstory, the implementation of her personality in a quiet visit and dare in Ponyville, and well... how it makes her change in the end.

And who breaks the funk for Rappid here is the mare you'd least expect.

Again, out-of-Carnation-canon for this. Want to show just how the enigma of Rappid Fires works in a small situation she starts and then gets helpfully bailed out of.

Analysis: This story admittedly has some issues, and it namely falls into a lack of story detail. The writer can convey emotion and scenery, but it's failing to give dialogue and build his story. This story feels more like a summary of a story than an actual story. This writer could have taken a lot more time to add details about his struggles with how slow she (I didn't learn that the pony was a she till late in the story) was, the relationship between Rappid and Spoiled, basically a lot of stuff. This writer tried to make a short story out of something that should have taken longer.

I've always talked about how there is a special balance in the length of stories. There are stories that take too long to go over a simple idea, and (More commonly) there are stories that try to do too much in such a short period of time. This story falls into the latter. It wants to go over so much, but it just glances over so much character building and story development. I think that there would have been multiple chapters in this story with a lot more detail.

Grammar: 5/10 The author is actually pretty good at spelling, but there are some major errors, namely the overuse of paragraphs.

Canterlot, especially, I soon found myself in the embrace of two ponies, who’d also looked at the sky and not thought of how much it’d hurt to not speed through it.

Royal Pin and Hoity Toity.

Those two, I struck up a good rapport with.

First of all, there is not a lot of detail about these two, which admittedly falls under pacing. These sentences make it hard for me to understand the idea that the writer was going for and makes me wonder if the author was moving to a new topic or idea with each paragraph.

Here is how I would have condensed some of these paragraphs.

Because, as a tour guide (I don’t think this is well-known), you often have to make small talk with the most immediate denzins of the town. Canterlot especially. I soon found myself in the embrace of two ponies, who’d also looked at the sky and not thought of how much it’d hurt to not speed through it.

Royal Pin and Hoity Toity. I struck up a good rapport with those two. We’d chatted, had drinks, talked of fashion and accessories – like the vibrant orange hues falling in sharp waves through the otherwise snow-white feathers upon my back.

There were some more things that I removed in those paragraphs that are other serious problems.

Because, as a tour guide – I don’t think this is well-known – (If you are going for something that the pony of perspective adds on the side, use ().) but (The but isn't necessary.) you often have to make small talk with the most immediate denizens of the town.

There are too many paragraphs that hold only one sentence, and there is a lot of improper usage of commas and dashes. My advice is to find an editor who is good at what they do. (Ask for references to past stories they worked on. I've found that some editors just go by the skin of their teeth. No offense to the hard-working editors) You need to have a better understanding of how paragraphs work. Having that extra help might make a difference.

The plot of the story: 7:10 Now, I can't deny that this story had some promise. Going over the backstory of this OC and having a bet including Spoiled. The author had a lot to work with this premise, but this story failed it live up to it.

Story flow: 4/10
This is the main offender of the story. It is way too fast! We go through four days of the story in about fifteen paragraphs. We get no character progression from Spoiled Rich to explain her reason to become a better pony or grow attached to the OC. We rush through so many plot points that it isn't funny. The character description of the OC is confusing, the friends have little to no character and the character growth is non-existent.

The writer needs to slow down and add some detail. Have conversations between the characters, especially the OC and Spoiled. You need to be willing to develop the characters over the course of the story, even if that means adding more chapters. I have to assume that this is a sequel to something, or else there is just no clue of what the characters are supposed to be like. If it is a sequel then add a link to the story it's based on.

Final score: 16/30 5.3/10

This story needs a lot of editing work and a ton of detail added to it, but the author has some clever ideas. If they can add more detail and spend more time on the story, these ideas can take flight and become amazing. Right now this author needs to work on some writing skills, but there is promise in there stories. Keep working, learn, and become better. Don't think of this as a defeat, but as a learning opportunity.