Description

Eleven hundred years is a long time, more than four hundred thousand days. Every pony only lives oh-so-many of those days. Everypony but Celestia, she's lived them all.

Most ponies don't remember every pony they've ever met and befriended, some get forgotten over time. Everypony but Celestia, she remembers them all.

A letter from an old friend can be a welcome thing in all those many days.

Sometimes a letter gets lost in the mail.

Initial Thoughts
I like sad fics, and I like them done right; not too melancholy, not too bland. This story already seems to suggest that, since it’s not necessarily about the feelings (though it most definitely will be), and since the description provides the idea that the whole thing is spurred on by a letter—an event of interest. My own criticism of that description is that it might be a bit long. The hook, at least to me, seems to be centered on the last two paragraph sentences. I would wonder if the author might consider shortening the description to those two, while adding on the necessary amount of days to the first.

Onto the story!

Summary
After receiving a letter in the mail, Celestia reminisces about her long life, and the untold ramifications of living these eleven hundred years among mortal ponies. Forty generations have passed since she began her rule, and those forty generations have had a great impact on how she views herself, and the other side of her reign. 

Plot - Premise, Pacing, Execution
It’s a fairly simple premise: Celestia gets a letter, Event A; she recalls her long lifetime, Event B; and she debates it out with her sister, bringing to light the various buried emotions she feels towards the fact, Event C. In this summation, we see that the story is broken up into three acts.

There are other events, of course, but these three seem to be the most critical to the plot. In terms of premise, it’s already interesting, because, as stated in the Initial Thoughts, this is not a story about Celestia wallowing in her sadness. It’s a story spurred on by a surprising event, the letter arriving. Why that letter arrived, why it matters that it did, and, of course, what that letter says, are all already asked of the reader implicitly; all questions that are important for keeping the reader engaged and attentive. 

This is to say, that from the premise alone, the story is a selling point. It’s so simple yet so engaging, in a way that tickles the mystery lover, even as this story isn’t defined as a mystery. 

In terms of pacing, nothing felt off. I’ll go into more detail about how that came about in my Syntax portion, but in general, the story travels at a good, slow pace, befitting of its plot. Wings of Black Glass does an excellent job of balancing the inner-time of Celestia the narrator with the outer-time of Celestia the actor within the story. The story may be slow for readers who are used to action and snappy dialogue, but it’s perfect for those who love to read character-driven stories. 

Finally, the execution of the plot was great. The climactic moment between Celestia and Luna, where essentially the revelation of the letter and of Celestia’s own character are revealed, was strong, and paid off the initial questions the reader may have about both. Forty generations have indeed passed on, and Celestia’s thoughts about that number is both well-spoken and well-written.

Score: 10/10

Characterization
Generally speaking, characterization was strong. Celestia and Luna have their share of banter in the beginning, but that fades readily just as the latter realizes that the moment is ill-fitting for it. The argument between the two also allows us to see how they view the issue differently—necessarily differently, I should add, as this difference is part of Celestia’s characterization throughout. 

It would have been easy for the sisters to fall out because of this difference, but Celestia, being both the more experienced ruler and used to diplomacy, as well as understanding that her sister means well even if she doesn’t quite understand, chooses to explain herself. If she hadn’t, that would have put a stop-gap on her entire character. Up until that argument, Celestia had been dodging the entire issue by recalling her memories. Only after the argument does Celestia strike at what she really feels, why she is bothered by the letter—and perhaps, even by her own memories. 

I’d say that these lines sum up that turn the best:

“... “Nopony knows the names Spring Rain, Tailspin, Clarity Crystal, Amberglow, Blue Belle, or Firelight anymore.”

“You do.”

And isn’t it equally lovely that Celestia, the archetypal Mother figure, now has to be comforted by her younger sister? It’s a twist on their typical dichotomy that shows the Royal Sisters at their very best. Not rivals incapable of understanding each other’s motives, fears, doubts, and desires, but family fully capable and willing to try. 

Score - 10/10

Syntax - Sentence Structure, Grammar, Quality of Prose
I mentioned before the importance of pacing, and how this story does a great job with it. This is aided not just by the fact that the story doesn’t languish or rush out at the reader, but also by the choice in style that Wings has employed.

Present-tense writing is insanely hard to do well, even if that’s hard to believe. Very often you will find it difficult to write it without sounding like a try-hard YA author who believes in an obtuse understanding and employment of Hemingway’s minimalistic tendencies. Writing in this tense, though, while also writing in limited third-person perspective, has allowed Wings to employ the many strengths of such a style.

There is, of course, a sense of immediacy with writing in the present-tense. And by writing in such a limited perspective, a reader is fully able to see, without much delay, the evolution of Celestia’s emotions until they have burst finally. Essentially, the gap between what the narrator of the story (be that a character in the story itself, as in this case, or an omniscient narrator) says and what the reader reads is minimized to a degree where it feels uniquely intimate when reading. 

Though, this is a kind of literary theory of syntax that isn’t much use for a review. I’d like to turn the reader’s attention to a more concrete analysis: the length of the sentences and how this is influenced by the tense.

I want to look at the last sentence of the story first. Here it is:

The princess of the night hums quietly, and the princess of the sun drifts off to sleep to dream of the sun setting on the horizon with the soft tones of Luna’s lovely lullaby in her heart.

This is a long, long sentence, but it doesn’t feel wrong for its length. The length makes sense. Its length makes the sentence sing quite like a lullaby, aided by the soft sounds coming from words like “sleep” and, well, “lovely” and “lullaby.” Now, these kinds of sentences are found all throughout the story, and if we discount portions of dialogue, there are two lengths in general: medium and long. 

The length of a sentence affects the pacing of the sentence. The longer a sentence is, the slower time travels. In a story where a lot of time needs to be spent on small, crucial moments, the decision to write with these lengths, whether or not it was a conscious decision, works wonders on the desired pacing. Part of this is also because of the tense. Present tense, at least in English, has less syllables in its conjugated verbs, which allows for more clauses to be placed in within one “linguistic breath”, and therefore more chances for poetically long sentences to be strung together. 

There is a beauty with this kind of syntax which should not go unnoticed. It sings, really, which is something not a lot of writers notice or put effort into trying. I applaud Wings for that feature alone; the sound of a story can be just as important as the story itself. 

This does not mean that the syntax is perfect, however. I found several cases of comma splice issues (a comma splice is when two complete, independent clauses are placed next to each other). I also found issues of capitalization, such as referring to Twilight and her title as “princess Sparkle” near the end. Though, these were very few and far between, and while distracting on their own, did not take away from the intended effect.

Score - 8/10

Final Score - (10 + 10 + 8) / 3 = 9.3/10

Closing Thoughts
Overall, this is an excellent story, deeply rooted in the impact immortality can bring. But it is also a story about understanding that it is not the length of a life that matters, but the touch and reach of one. The ponies of modern Equestria may not remember the generations from before, but, as Luna points out, Celestia does. And that’s enough; that, itself, is a kind of immortality. 

7237200
First, I want to thank you for putting the time and effort into reading and reviewing my story.
Second, I want to thank you for the very encouraging review. I can tell you put some real thought into what you wrote.
Third, I want to apologize for taking so long to respond. It’s taken me longer than I expected to articulate what I wanted to say.

You mentioned a few things I want to respond to. I don’t have any complaints; it’s probably the best review I’ve gotten. You mention several times that the characterization is strong. Personally, although action sequences are fun to write and to read, I feel as though my character work is my better writing. Especially the quiet moments between two people. Most of my favorite scenes are similar in nature to this story.

I think the thing I want to talk about the most is what you said about my syntax. It’s probable that your analysis was more, well… analyzed, than I put effort into writing with the specific style it ended up in. I choose present tense intentionally, but mostly because it’s the style I wrote The Ash of Fallen Stars in and was still thinking along those lines. I also choose third person, but perhaps not as intentionally. I think that’s just where I feel most comfortable. I initially wrote The Mask of Despair in present-tense third-person (all 111k words), but then went back and adapted it to be past-tense first-person. (Which was its own nightmare, I still think there are mistakes in there somewhere I haven’t found.) That you felt it worked well is an indication of how I’ve improved since I got started in writing.

You also brought up the way I built my sentences. On this, I’m not sure what to say. You seem to have guessed that I may not have consciously written with very specific flow and style in mind, and you would be correct. I haven’t studied writing in this kind of detail to structure my work that way intentionally. It is the type of thing I would like to know how to do, rather than somehow stumble into.

Thank you again for your thoughts.