TThat Afternoon I Lied About Impregnating an Alicorn Princess

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy

A human and alicorn seek to get payback on their friends with a test.

• Sex
• Human
• Alt. Universe
• Twilight
• Rainbow Dash
• Pinkie
• Spike
• Starlight Glimmer

ThePinkedWonder · 4.1k words  ·  176  13 · 7.2k views

Written by ThePinkedWonder

Summary: This story is a sequel to That Morning I Woke Up With an Alicorn Princess

One week after they had been the victims of a prank that made them think they kissed and...more after getting drunk, Princess Twilight Sparkle and Eric Reed came up with a prank of their own. The two told the four friends that stuck them in bed together, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Starlight Glimmer, and Spike, that Twilight's pregnancy test came up "positive".

After that, mayhem ensued.

Analysis: This is the first time that I decided to read the prequel to a story relating to the one that I'm reviewing, and I have learned a few things. The human character, Eric, is Wonder's established human in Equestria, along with being like a brother to Twilight, Spike, and Starlight. I did enjoy the first story, even if starting at the next morning and moving to the other night was somewhat confusing.

However, this story is also clever, even though a few twists made me have to think to understand a few earlier points, like the Pinkie promise. The writer was rather clever in the multiple twists that keep the reader guessing. There is a lot of fun in everybody panicking that Twilight's going to be pregnant. (Well, Dash, Pinkie, Spike, and Starlight. They were the pranksters in the last story.)

This story is hilarious, and the last twist was amazing. Even though this story deals with a tag that I don't normally want to touch, I did like how this story was presented. Again, this is one of my favorite writers, and they're amazing when it comes to unique comedies like this.

Grammar: 8/10 There are a few parts early on that have me confused. The big problem for me is the gain gap between paragraphs 6 and 7. My guess is that the purpose was to indicate that Eric was catching us up on what was happening, but he doesn't give the same gap for when they go back to the main story. It's confusing for me because I don't like the giant gap, but I don't exactly know what to do with it. I feel like what I'd like to do with it would only make the problem worse.

Then there are a few parts of a sentence that are supposed to lead into a conversation that bugs me.

Spike suggested, “Yeah, so let’s plan our next move.”

Rainbow started, “Okay, well, first we need to...uh…”

Suggested is past tense and should have been used after he talked. Then just using Rainbow started, doesn't give an inside to what she's starting to do. Talk? Stutter? The writer needs to be sometimes willing to add extra detail to the lead up to these conversations. Talk about Twilight nodding in agreeance instead of just saying Twilight said.

The plot of the story: 10/10 Let's face it, who would think of a playback prank like this? The idea of this story is extremely clever in its basis of an outrageous payback to an outrageous prank. This writer has always made me smile with their unique storytelling abilities and ideas.

Story flow. 9/10 I do feel like Pinkie's reaction wasn't going straight to the fact that she'd think that Twilight broke her promise, but that is the main flaw I found. The fact that Twilight planned this to the point where she had enough cupcakes for the counter pranksters to each have one was amazing, and the plot takes an interesting twist halfway through that leads to a conclusion that I didn't see coming. Again, I do have to praise the author's cleverness.

Final score: 27/30 9/10

This writer has always come up with unique and funny ideas, and I enjoy seeing new and unique stories that comes from this author. I'm always looking forward to their unique stories and plots.

7233696

As always. thanks a lot for the review!

First, as for why there was no second gap, oops! That was something that slipped during editing and really didn't mean to do it. It's now corrected to how I really meant to do it.

Adding some extra detail is something I try to do, but still tend to miss some of the good chances to do it, as you pointed out. Something for me to keep working on, as well as the other issues you pointed out.