Who's ready for some EqG?

TDouble Trouble: The Flaws Within

• MLP: FiM
• Equestria Girls
• Adventure
• Drama

Two Twilight Sparkles are not better than one, especially when each are stranded in the wrong world! With the Crystal Mirror broken, is there any way for them to find the way back to their respective homes?

• Twilight
• Celestia
• Luna
• Sunset Shimmer
• Sci-Twi

Masterius · 85k words  ·  73  4 · 2.4k views

So, full disclosure before I begin: I've been in contact with Masterius regarding this fic. I read through it about a month ago (before my hiatus) and offered a little feedback in lieu of a full review, and he's been doing some edits on the story in turn. As usual, this won't affect my judgement of the story. 

I’m going to be discussing plot points which might be spoilers for some people. If you care about that stuff, read the story first.

Double Trouble centers around our Twilight of the show and her human counterpart. With writing having started all the way back in 2014, the Human Twilight (let's call her… Sparkle, for now) is characterised quite differently from her appearance in the EqG series. This Sparkle is a cold, jaded prodigy, whose attention has been attracted by the magical events which occurred in the first two EqG movies. In the process of her testing, she manages to break the Crystal Mirror, and somehow swap places with her pony counterpart. This leaves Twilight and Sparkle trapped in each others' worlds.

Other than these two, this story also has another main character: Sunset Shimmer. In the beginning of the story, she accompanies Twilight into Equestria to meet with Celestia, in the hopes of righting old wrongs. She also plays a role in trying to keep things calm after the two Twi's switch places. 

The Flaws Within, this story, is the first entry into the Double Trouble series. In other words, although this story is currently complete, the series as a whole is still in the process of being written.

So that's the set up. I'll not waste more words summarising the whole story, we'll be here all day if I did that

Eloquence and awkwardness in narration

Whatever else I might say about the story, it's undeniable that Masterius writes in a comfortable manner with a confident enough command of English to use several uncommon words regularly. There are few grammatical errors, with just some tense errors scattered here and there. That said, though, I do actually have a pretty substantial problem with a lot of the narration.

Masterius writes in a style that is pretty distinct. At times the narration seems disconnected from the perspective of the character, giving rise to an 'omniscient perspective' writing style at some points in the story. He writes this style in a pretty loose manner, with many, many little breaks and asides in the narration. The most common way he does this is through the use of em dashes (—). Or, maybe more accurate, the slight overuse of them. 

Em dashes are definitely my favourite punctuation mark, but there's a reason why they're somewhat uncommon. Overusing them can make narration feel choppy and stilted, and parts of the story definitely feel this way. It's especially so when more than two em dashes are in one sentence. 

Spike just stood there, jaw partially dropped, as Twilight—well, Miss Sparkle—began repeating—verbatim, no less!—everything Spike had explained to her.

Other than this, there are some odd moments of the narration suddenly becoming… weirdly out of place? Let me show you what I mean. 

From the way S-s-Spike had been talking as he had given her the dime tour of history, apparently this “Equestria” simply oozed with an overabundance of, and disturbing fascination with, friendship.

I'm not exactly sure where this came from, but there's some bits and pieces of weird phrasing here and there that are really out of place.

Accuracy of characterisation

Twilight, Sparkle, and Sunset are all portrayed pretty well throughout the majority of the story. Twilight shines in the contrast between herself and Sparkle, who is so cold and hostile that she makes Episode 1 Twilight look downright charming by comparison. Sunset's characterisation is also done well, with her reformed self showing an appreciation for friendship and genuine love for Celestia that’s pretty touching. In general all the show characters behave roughly enough like their appearances in the show, so I have no problems there.

I especially liked Sparkle’s characterisation, actually — that cold, hostile shell she starts with seems ripe with potential for development, and I do see the beginnings of that by the time this story ends.

Aaaand that’s a good transition to me saying that although the characterisation is generally good, character development and arcs are a much different story. Which again serves as a nice lead-in to one of the problems I have with this story… 

Slow pacing and insubstantiality of plot

The speed which this story develops at is incredibly slow, and the plot seems to barely get addressed before the story ends. Consequently also, none of the characters actually seem to get much development, even Sparkle, the one I’d see easily changing the most.

To illustrate this point, here’s just a quick list of all the relevant plot points and changes to the situation following the main Inciting Incident of the two Twilights switching places.

1. Celestia falls into a coma. (Ch 6)
2. After inspecting her, Sunset also experiences similar symptoms. (Ch 8)
3. Fluttershy breaches Sparkle's emotional defenses, getting her to start warming up to others just a little (Ch 13, 14, 15)
4. Sparkle cures Sunset of her condition on her request, despite Sparkle's unwillingness to cooperate with the physicians attending to her. (Ch 17)
5. Sparkle's curing of Sunset's condition seems unacknowledged by the ponies around her, which hurts her considerably and further damages her emotional defenses. (Ch 18)
6. Twilight realises she has access to magic in the human world, and recognises it as Celestia’s magic. (Ch 19, 20)
7. The combination of her instinctive teleportation into midair and Rainbow’s ranting at her finally causes Sparkle’s guard to break fully. (Ch 21)
8. Sunset finally meets with Celestia and attains forgiveness. (Ch 22, 23)
9. Twilight and Trixie find out that Trixie is also able to use magic now. (Ch 22, 23)

To clarify, what I consider “relevant” plot points are those that either advance the plot or develop the main characters in some way. In other words, if an event changes the situation or a character in some way, it’s a relevant plot point.

It’s immediately apparent what my problem is. In this 85k-word story, I’ve managed to identify only nine relevant plot points, ten including the inciting incident. Now, it’s arguable whether there should be more or less included (in fact please do argue, I’m not entirely certain of this list), but ten is definitely a much too small number. To give some perspective: there are three main characters in this story. If there were a fully developed arc for all three characters, there should be two or three times the number of plot points that currently exist.

The effect of this is a very slowly-developing story, which seems not to move at all for long periods of time in certain areas.

Exposition and irrelevant information

And here we come to the crux of my issues with this story. 

In my original assessment of the story, this was a sticking point. The story kinda hits you in the face with it right as you start reading, because the first two chapters are where this is the worst.

Just for an example. In Chapter 1, Sunset and Twilight are getting ready to step through the portal. We take the perspective of Sunset here as she frets about heading back home. Then on the other side, Sparkle is observing the pair in front of the statue.

First: what needs to be explained here? Well, Sunset’s hesitance to enter Equestria should be mentioned, as should why Twilight is here with her, trying to convince her to go back. And Sparkle’s involvement at the scene should also be explained, with exposition of her history being optional.

Four key points... but this chapter is over five thousand words long.

Now, let’s see what’s actually being written in this chapter:

• Sunset’s hesitance to enter the portal 
• Sunset’s history in Equestria
• Sunset’s history in the human world and her making friends with the Main 6 minus Sparkle in the human world
• Sunset and Twilight’s correspondence bringing them to this point
• Why Sunset is hesitating, again
• Sunset’s relationship with the Main 6 minus Sparkle, again
• Sunset’s history in the human world… again
• What Sparkle is doing at the scene
• What her experimenting here means to her
• Sparkle’s problem with society at large
• Sparkle’s recent backstory, in detail

...well that’s a lot of points.

This disparity is really my main problem with the story. I mentioned this to Masterius in my initial feedback to him as well, but now I see that it’s still a pretty big issue. This also relates back to the previous point — all this extra exposition drags down the speed of the story with unnecessary baggage. And it’s not only extra exposition — the story explores many, many side characters, and a little too much. A lot of the time the story rewrites the same scene from the perspective of another character, or hops back and forth in time exploring the individual perspectives of side characters.

With these points in mind, let’s get to the score!

Final Score: 5.5/10
A pretty delightful story with accurate characterisations and an interesting setup. This is held back, though, by a lack of focus and a tendency to over-explain things.

Feedback for Masterius

There're two main problems that I have with this fic, and they both contribute to the same problem. I mentioned them in the review section already, but just to make it clear: first, the lack of plot development; second, the over-exposition and repetition.

On the first point, my advice is, well, plan. I'm not sure what your writing method is, but it would be good to get down the general direction of the story so that you have a skeleton to work from. Ideally, get familiar with some of the storytelling models to map your story with, like the acts structure. As it stands, it's difficult to see where each character's story is heading. Even at the end of this story, I still don't see a clear trajectory for any of the characters, or for the fixing of the mirror, and how each character's arc ties in with it.

Something else that might be helpful would be something like what I did above — list events and plot points. Importantly, take note of how they change (or don’t change) the situation that the characters are facing, and how these events force the characters in focus to act or change. Events that change the situation, force the characters to act, force the characters to change, or all at once, will be your “relevant plot points”, and the dramatic beats that your story revolves around. So make sure they’re there!

As for the second point, this comes down to writing and editing discipline. Try to keep in mind what you’re trying to show in a certain scene, and put your focus on that — anything else comes as secondary. So in the first chapter, for example, Sunset’s hesitance to enter the portal in that moment should be the focus. You can let your focus wander a little at times, but for the opening of the story, especially for an emotion as strong as the one that Sunset is feeling in the chapter, it’s best to keep your focus strong.

...I hope that wasn’t too abstract

Also, other than the focus of the scene, do try to keep in mind what you want the scene to accomplish in the larger story! Some of your scenes take place with side characters and seem to have nothing important to contribute to the story other than adding words. The scenes of Luna and Spike finding Twilight in the hospital at the end of the story comes to mind, though I’m quite sure I remember reading a few smaller ones here and there.

Anyway, I have a few thoughts that aren’t big enough to get their own sections, so I think I’ll pull a Lumina here and make a little My Little Nitpicks section of my own

My Little Nitpicks^TM

Yay shameless plagiarism :D

Apple Accent
Oh ma gawd, it shore gits frickin’ terrible sometimes!
I know adding an accent is characterisation, but there’s a line between characterisation and incomprehensibility, and I’m pretty sure that you’re past that line when you start to spell Twilight as “Twalaight” and Fluttershy as “Fluttershah”. Just… maybe keep this in mind, yeah?

‘Twas brillig…
On the note of speaking, Luna uses some pretty ancient style of speech too. It’s not a problem, but I kinda got lazy to look up her words after a while.

Scene breaks
They happen a little too often, maybe consider removing some that are too close together?
Also, I don’t think it’s necessary to put a “mini scene break” (for those who didn’t notice, there’s these little breaks marked by three empty paragraphs). All these breaks make stuff stilted and unfocused.

Also like, try not to drag scenes over multiple chapters! I know it’s supposed to be a cliffhanger or something, but a long, persistent scene is what you need if you want the scene to have some gravitas.

Sunset’s over-achieving tear ducts
I don’t know what it is, but Sunset cries a lot in this story. Like, every time she sees Celestia. Or someone mentions her. Or every time something bad happens. Or when she has to tell someone that something bad happened.

You get my point, those tear ducts are pretty dang functional!

Twilight’s an Alicorn princess?!
None of the human characters seem surprised by this. I mean, how’d they figure this out? They didn’t have information on this from the movie, if I remember correctly?

That’s it from me on this story, I think. I did not expect this to turn out so long, believe me!

7174229

My Little Nitpicks^TM

You can't TM that, Lumina also uses it

7174345
Wait, I thought that's exactly when I should use the TM?

7174546
No that is a company thing, to forbid others to use what they used already, to make more money with it. (Facebook, Mc Donald's etc) You are just a nice and friendly reviewer who would not do such things🐉

7174229

To clarify, what I consider “relevant” plot points are those that either advance the plot or develop the main characters in some way. In other words, if an event changes the situation or a character in some way, it’s a relevant plot point.

Thank you! This isn't said enough to people. Not every scene has to advance the plot directly. There could be scenes that technically don't move the plot forward but still reveal new aspects of the characters which adds depth. It's okay to have moments in your story where the characters relax and just talk.

7174229

I want to thank you for the time and effort you have invested in reviewing Double Trouble: The Flaws Within. The word count alone--just over 2,300 words—is proof positive of your dedication and labor. I am very grateful and appreciative...but, in honesty, also a bit disheartened as well.

I know you close with “Anything you disagree with, want more explanation on, or think doesn't make sense? Please leave a reply on this thread, and I’ll be happy to help!” but I don’t want to come across as unappreciative or, worse, dismissive and put-upon, especially since I can’t say I disagree with your observations and insight. However, in some matters, not disagreeing is not the same as agreeing, either.

Again, I can’t thank you enough for the enormous effort you’ve put into Double Trouble: The Flaws Within!

Sincerely,

~Masterius

7174229
You THIEF!

7175656
It's not thievery, it's just... borrowing

7175619
Aw man, you can't just say that then not elaborate!

Seriously, if there's anything you're not convinced by feel free to tell me, and I'll see what I can do

7175806
Borrowing without consent, that is!

7175838
Psh, same difference

7175806

Aw man, you can't just say that then not elaborate!

To reiterate, I deeply appreciate the time and effort you've put into this review. Seriously. No matter what, I'm flattered and honored.

I'm pretty sure I've deduced where the main issue lies: I'm used to writing fiction: Science Fiction & Fantasy, but, to some degree, fanfiction as well. Nevertheless, I've been learning fanfiction is a somewhat different bushel of oats compared to SF&F. Readers of fanfiction have different expectations than do readers of authors like Mercedes Lackey and David Weber (who just--entirely incidentally, of course --happen to be my two favorite authors)...Not that I am, at all, comparing myself to either one!

Based upon that juxtaposition, I really can't disagree with a single thing you've noted. However, as I've said, not disagreeing isn't necessarily the same as agreeing. And since you've asked, here are some of those points.

Exposition and irrelevant information

Based upon your initial "little feedback" two months ago, I reviewed all the chapters and did edit over 4,500 words, notably in the first three chapters. However--and this is entirely my opinion and like--one of the things I like in fiction is detailed descriptions.
For instance, David Weber can sometimes "ramble" 3-12 pages describing something that, although relevant, is also distantly necessary (for instance, the history of Warshawski sails). And don't even get me started with Mercedes Lackey: one to two pages' worth of her describing food at a banquet has me salivating like one of Pavlov's dogs! )
So, yes...I do at times get into great detail. And here is where SF&F and fanfiction differ: SF&F is usually a fully-published work, while fanfiction is usually a chapter at a time. A follower of a story that's waited a week or more for a new chapter is likely to be irked at little to nothing actually transpiring save a wealth of detail they may or may not care about.

Slow pacing and insubstantiality of plot

Pretty much the same as above, although (and especially because I know what's going on) I'm aware of a great deal more of "character development" than may be apparent...which, again, can be my fault, as if that isn't discernible to readers there's no one else at fault but myself.

Regarding your feedback, the second point of "over-exposition and repetition" is covered above. Regarding the first point, that of "lack of plot development"...
As I begin a story, I immediately create four different folders/files: 1) individual chapter (which adds a folder/file as time progresses), 2) references, 3) characters, and 4) timeline. References cover everything from .pngs of Ponyville and Canterlot through the final design and construction of, well...however it is that concludes the series. Characters list names, ages, types, colors, quirks, etc. of every character that winds up playing a part, no matter how minor nor reoccurring or not. As to timeline...

...

Now, as for the "Nitpicks"? (and I really hope that you and Lumina are just joshing each other).

Apple Accent:
Yep. Yep. And Yep. You're not the first, and I doubt you'll be the last to observe and comment on that! Mea culpa, I believe. And, again, it comes down to SF&F versus fanfiction. David Weber's Honor Harrington character Rear Admiral Michael Oversteegen has (as described) an annoying drawl characteristic of the liberal, do-nothing aristocracy...and it is written exactly that way, too! And Mercedes Lackey's "country rubes" 'speak' in an atrocious Cockney (sort of) that makes my eyes water. Neither really have to do it: for instance, as noted, most every time Oversteegen speaks it notes he does so "in his characteristic lazy drawl". However...
SF&F versus fanfiction: when you've actually heard Apple Jack speak, episode after episode, readers familiar with the show probably don't need to 'read' her drawl: they know what that sounds like. It just doesn't seem, or feel, right to me not to 'write' the way my inner mind's eye 'hears' her. Again, my choice, which in no way negates your critique and observation.

‘Twas brillig…
Again, true. And I had, and still have, a reason for that. If you carefully note when she does archaically speak, Luna does so when she's under a lot of stress, or feels the need to be "official" (just look at the letter she'd sent Spike). Her dialogue is a fairly accurate barometer of her stress and/or anger. Yep, my spin on her, but a rational and reasonable one I believe.

Sunset’s over-achieving tear ducts
That's what happens when...do you really want to know, or find out in a few chapters of From the Ashes?

Twilight’s an Alicorn princess?!
Have you ever known Pinkie Pie to keep a secret forever?

So, in conclusion, I hope you understand that I'm definitely not refuting anything you've said, because I certainly am not. But I also hope this helps explain the choices--for good or ill--that I've made.

Thanks again!

~Masterius

7176646

Now, as for the "Nitpicks"? (and I really hope that you and Lumina are just joshing each other).

Indeed we are The My Little Nitpicks section (or MLN, for short) is something that I do in my reviews and was, until recently, a unique take in the group on my thoughts when reading the story. Generally, it composes of my first thoughts upon reading the story, like things that I found funny, odd, annoying, amazing, etc., which does often include me nitpicking at the story

And now, Cyonix has used it without my knowledge... Pay me the usage fee, you scoundrel!

I hit comment on accident, while halfway through writing your reply. Gimme a moment

Alright, not accidentally hitting Post this time

7177098
Hehe, it'll be unique after this one too, I'm not planning on using it regularly

As for the usage fee... have this adorable picture I found

7176646
Thanks for your reply, Masterius! I can't claim to be a perfect reader or reviewer, and pointing out anything I overlooked is always helpful.

Okay, so right to the points.

Exposition and irrelevant information

Oh, so you're a Sci-fi fan! That kinda makes sense, that genre is sometimes infamous for being more science than fiction. I haven't actually read any of those two authors, so any references to their work is kinda lost on me In fact the only Sci-fi I've read in recent memory's probably the Ender's Game series.

But back to the topic at hand, I still think there's a point to be made beyond "it's just style". I raised the example of the exposition dump in the first chapter. Other than this being stuff that readers should reasonably be able to figure out, note the place where it happens. It happens in the beginning, and right in the middle of an extremely emotionally intense scene. Again, if this were original fiction and this was the first time we're seeing Sunset, then yeah, this would probably be a little more justifiable.

My problems with exposition come only on these conditions:
1. It's something the readers should know, or should reasonably be able to figure out easily.
2. It comes at an inappropriate time, such as in the middle of a tense scene.

Anything else that I might have a problem with can probably be defended with "it's style".

The irrelevant information critique is much less clear cut, and it's also probably a defensible problem. I was talking more about the story's tendency to delve into the perspectives of side characters without much of a reason. But honestly I can't specifically recall multiple parts where this happens off the top of my head, so it's probably a less major issue.

Slow pacing and insubstantiality of plot

Ah, that event list is a really helpful tool! But I wouldn't say that having a really long events list immediately makes a substantial story. It comes down to the important plot points to give the story its direction and substance, in the end. Though, looking at your list, it looks like you've separated some events from the others -- did you do that for any particular reason?

And again, if your list differs a lot from mine, do feel free to discuss that with me!

For the nitpicks... yeah, alright, I can see where you're coming from for most of them, they're pretty minor stuff anyway

7178777

For the nitpicks... yeah, alright, I can see where you're coming from for most of them, they're pretty minor stuff anyway

That's why they're called nitpicks And payment accepted. I am satisfied.