EBroken Wings, Broken Spirits

• MLP: FiM
• Sad
• Slice of Life
• Tragedy

John Darkblaze must find a way to persevere after a tragic accident leaves him disabled for life.

• OC
• Other

Darkblaze15 · 6.6k words · 346 views

Summary of Story here: As a pegasus colt living in Cloudsdale, John Darkblaze loves nothing more than soaring through the skies above his hometown. He believes that there is nothing better that pegasi can achieve than the ability of flight and the freedom one feels when flying. But, when he becomes involved in a traumatic accident that rips this ability away from him, he feels that he cannot belong in society as a pegasus who can't fly. Just when he is about to give up on everything however, a small light appears at the end of the tunnel; will it be enough to pull him to of his funk and back into reality?

The first of my "OC Introduction" stories. I scrapped my original ideas because I didn't feel they were necessarily creative enough. Hope you enjoy!

Okay before I get into my initial thoughts of the story, I'd like to break down this summary. First of all LENGTH. It's important. A summary is meant to be a hook to grab attention so the reader will read more. What this summary does is basically tell you the plot without even reading it, it's much too long.
What' I'd do if this were my story: A young colt struggles with a traumatic injury that affects his ability to fly. How will he possibly go on?

See? Much shorter. Always remember if you are sure to break down the sentences.
Example: Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy have always been the greatest of friends, but Fluttershy feels there could be so much more, but she's nervous about revealing her feelings for a fear of ruining their friendship.
Even though this is short, it could still be broken down. But that all depend on the writer. Each writer is different.

Initial thoughts: I myself think Oc stories are well and fine if done right. You don't always need "canons" to be entertained. However, this story is very "eh" I could tell this was from a beginning writer just starting to spread their wings, and believe me it shows. 6/10

What I liked: The concept of a non flying pegasi has been done to death, but the idea of it is still a good one. A lot of people struggle if they have a disablity of some sort, it may not be a physical one, but it's still there, and telling them a message of keep trying no matter how bad it is is a good one, I like this.

What I didn't like: Like everything else.
Point 1: The main character is too "mary sue" like. He gets things handed to him way too easily, and when he has a problem it's easily addressed in a short spand, and I'm having a hard time believing a young colt could make his own wings on the first try with no issues or set backs. It just doesn't add up.

2. The cat as a plot device. You could have had him self reflect on how stupid he's being for moping around rather than having to use something physical to have him realize it. Inner turmoil is really good in cases like this. Try it.

3. His parents. They seem supportive but yet they start fighting rather than actually addressing the problem with the son. Get the poor kid therapy or something!

4. Tell, Tell, Tell. SHOW DON'T TELL. (I struggle at times too.)
Applejack went to the zoo with Fluttershy to see the animals.
Applejack trotted alongside Fluttershy heading to the zoo to visit the animals.

Grammar: 7/10. It's not terrible, but it needs a lot of fixing up. I can't say much as grammar is not my strong suit.

Characterzation: 5/10. The only character that has character is the main one, and what we get of him is just "bare bones" material. He needs a lot more to be considered a full fledged character. Right now he's in between Mary Sue and just an outlet for the writer.

Story/Concept: 6/10 Execution of the concept was very minimal but the idea itself even though it has been done before, has potential. You just got to know what you're doing.

Overall thoughts: 5/10 I don't want to sound harsh, but consider this constructive feedback. I'd take this story, open up a new document and try writing this again. Don't publish it if you don't want too. Just write out a second verison with the feedback I've given. You'd be amazed how different your story would turn out. I myself had to scrap 500 handwritten pages of a book I had worked on for years, and it wasn't easy, but the new book that I published is a lot better quality and more enjoyable for my fans.

Final score: 28/50
or 5.5/10
Roughly.

Advice for the writer: Keep trying! I know it seems generic, but it really can make a difference. As always stay awesome and keep up the good work.

Thank you very much for reviewing my story! I tried to fix it based on feedback from my first review, but I certainly have a lot to learn! I think one of my main problems, especially with my OC stories, is that I know how the characters feel and think in my own head, but I have trouble putting enough of what I want to say into actual words. I definitely want to make this and future stories the best they can be, so any and all reviews of my work certainly helps! Don't know when I will be able to get around to finishing this, being in my last year of college, but I will absolutely try to find time somewhere down the line to do this story concept the justice it deserves!

Thank you again!